OW pregnant by MM

[Clarence_Boddicker]

The decision to abort or give birth is one that only you should make. If you decide to give birth, are you the type that can handle giving your baby up for adoption or at a safe baby deposit location (if your country has those), or will you be so bonded after 9-10 months you will have to keep it. If you give birth, the only morally correct thing to do is to put the MM name on the birth certificate. If you keep your baby, the only morally correct thing to do is to pursue child support.

[the_artist_1970]

I have never had an abortion in my life, but I would abort a MM's baby so fast it would make your head spin...

 

Amen to this. It is wrong on so many levels to knowingly bring an innocent baby into this world under circumstances where the father is a MM. I know of so many hurting adults whose mothers did this. It's just plain sad.

[81West]

I have been a teacher for a long time and have worked with kiddos from all types of situations- conceived by rape, incest, one night stands, affairs- pretty much all of it- I can not tell you what to do but I can give you my observations by the time they reach elementary school- except for a few bumps (unknown medical history or needing two teacher conferences because the parents still don't get along) these kids are as normal as any other-

 

I have seen the power one of what one caring, strong adult can do for a child from the most difficult circumstances- do not under-estimate your power to be that person- do not make this decision because you don't feel you are strong enough right now, collect yourself and reflect on you before you decide-

 

The only thing more powerful than a strong adult in a childs life, is the power of the child itself- children are amazingly strong-

 

Good luck with what you decide-

 

People rarely regret having their children. Children rarely regret being born. Those things, along with your post, I think form the heart of the matter. While the posters who are advising that the OP be mentally and emotionally prepared for worst case scenarios are absolutely right and wise to do so, the forces of these situations generally lean in positive directions, particularly over time.

 

My situation started off so very poorly. The father was denying both me and my pregnancy, and ultimately the child that was born, and it was profoundly humiliating and depressing. I had very little in the way of family support initially, and I had no job.

 

Our relationship was a poorly kept open secret and before my pregnancy was known to anybody outside a tight circle somebody finally told his long term partner that he was unfaithful. She approached me in a public place and asked me for the truth. I acknowledged the relationship and apologized to her. I told her that it was never about not caring about her or her feelings or family, it was just that - and then she spoke for me, saying, "You were in love". I said yes. She thanked me for the honesty and left. She left the father of my baby for his infidelity and for a thousand other reasons. He was so controlling of her that she moved six hours away from the city with her two children to get away from him.

 

When my son was 9 months old I got the job I've held for almost 20 years. I moved to another part of my city of about 165,000. By school age he was at a very small school tucked away in a residential neighbourhood. There were only about 100 kids up to grade 6. One day in spring of his Junior Kindergarten year his monthly school newsletter came home. I was stunned to read his older half brother's name in the Grade 6 News as a new student being welcomed. Apparently my son's father's ex partner had moved back to our city and in a nearly unbelievable coincidence had enrolled her kids in this small, close knit school. I didn't know what to do with the information. I felt stunned more than anything.

 

Very shortly after that our after-school chats started to include a new name in his stories from school - that of the little girl who was his half sister. This girl who at the very least shared an uncommon name with the sister, along with a friend, were in grade 2 and loved to play mommy to the JK kids. They had zeroed in on my son as a favourite. I went to my son's school at lunch and found him sitting against the wall in the hallway with a little girl who I knew instantly in my gut was his sister - I had seen and met her when she was about three. I felt in part like I was on a Jerry Springer set and truly didn't know what to do, if anything. I kind of just remained stunned.

 

I guess the same thing was happing on the sister's side - her bringing home stories of a new little boy playmate and the other mom also twigging on the name as my son's name was also relatively unusual. Long story short the other mom eventually sent a note for me with her daughter to school with instructions to funnel it to one of her classmates who waited at the same bus stop as I waited at with my son. I still remember the feeling when she gave me the note, which simply had her name, her number and the words 'Nikita's mom' scrawled at the bottom.

 

That was the beginning of what was about as happy ending as you can get in a tough situation. We talked about whether we should make the kids aware and facilitate a relationship. I agonized because while the positive aspects were clear it would also eventually mean exposing my son to the fact that the father saw and acknowledged those two children, but not him. I could protect my son from all that for a while, but that meant giving a burden of secrets and self censoring to the other two kids who were only in grades 2 and 6 at the time. I decided that family ties in life were important enough to try and navigate the difficult parts but I had no confidence at all that I was doing the right thing.

 

So, against all odds, we became family - me, his ex, and our three children. We were very different moms good at different things and I have a beautiful memory of the first time my son's sister came to our house for a visit and a sleepover. We were all making cookies together and she turned her beautiful little face upwards to me with the most beaming and heart-melting smile. She said, simply, "I'm happy". I knew what she meant. She was happy to have a little brother, happy to have this new part of her little life and happy to be making cookies, something she wasn't exposed to a lot. Both the kids spent a ton of time at our house over the years and vice versa. I had them a few Easter mornings and there were endless sleepovers and adventures. We have genuine family memories "Remember when....yeah!...haha...that was so funny". We have traditions too, like families do. We shared sad and tragic things too. The kids' mom lost two sisters along the way and six years ago my son's older brother tragically drowned in a canoe accident when he was 21.

 

When my son was about 16 I started to sense that it was beginning to really bother him to be denied by his father. I asked the dad if he would be willing to take a DNA test and he agreed, if I paid for it of course. When he turned out to be the father he did try to step up, albeit in an insensitive and asshat kind of way, but it all fizzed out pretty quickly. Kids aren't stupid and they recognize an idiot when they see one.

 

So that's our story. Not perfect but a far cry from the isolation and loneliness I felt for both of us when I was pregnant and during my son's first years.

 

I said earlier that the only thing the OP needed to ask herself was if she could raise him alone if necessary. I'd amend that to add that she needs to know if the baby can be loved and wanted by her despite the tough circumstances and despite what the father feels and does. If her developing child can be loved and wanted, and if she can go it alone if necessary, everything will have a tendency - not a certainty - but a strong tendency, to work out.

 

Every child and every life means a mix of joy and heartache, and in most ways this is no different. None of us are guaranteed an easy script in life. Like another poster my dad abandoned me before I was four and my mother has a personality disorder. Between the two of them I've got about .4 healthy parents. Does it mess you up? Yes! Hell, I'm on LS taking about EAs and having a baby out of wedlock with somebody's else's partner. There has been a lot of loss and abandonment and suffering that I keep seeming to manage to repeat in my life. But suffering and loss is the cradle of things like empathy, strength, compassion, resilience and wit, too. I'll end as I began this post: these things tend to lean positive. Life is a gift, generally both worth bearing and worth living.

 

Good luck OP! Either path can be the right path. You'll be supported here either way.

[dreamingoftigers]

Perhaps use this opportunity to really see the struggle that many young women go through about deciding what is a relatively new choice for women.

 

 

As a mother, you and I understand what it is to have a child, no illusions, you know how much a child brings to your life. You also know the work involved.

 

 

You are also, no doubt aware that many couples are looking to have a child and cannot. Of course you would think about your child often, and wonder if they ended up with a family that was a healthy one, or one that lacked the basic capacity for logic and reasoning behind closed doors.

 

 

Still a much better bet than aborting, if you, yourself believe it to be wrong and murder.

 

 

I don't think MM has any kind of voice here. He is opting to be rid of the child. He's also opting to be "rid of" his wife. Yet he has shown you what "rid of wife" has meant as well. He has no sure stance other then, "I want what I want when I want, and I want to cover my ass." He would probably end up being a drive-by father at best and one that cut all contact otherwise. None of which his wife would be aware of.

Edited July 14, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[autumnnight]

Amen to this. It is wrong on so many levels to knowingly bring an innocent baby into this world under circumstances where the father is a MM. I know of so many hurting adults whose mothers did this. It's just plain sad.

 

Seriously??

 

Glad my mom didn't feel this way.,...gessh

[minimariah]

@minimariah Thank you! I have made a list, one side is for sure longer, by much I know having this baby the worst is yet to come I am very realistic about this situation, though I wish he meant all the things he said and wanted to do this together, I know that is not the case. I have a very close family and great friends who I know would support me. It is just hard for me to find the words to say what I have gotten myself into. My life is a nightmare at the moment.

 

it is hard... i know. but it's not the end of the world. you'll survive this. confide in folks you REALLY trust... it is incredibly hard to go through all of this totally alone. you have a good support system - use it! surround yourself with those who care for you and love you.

 

be prepared for all the worst case scenarios. think of the worst that can happen and if you're ready to deal with it -- make your choice based on that. no one can tell you what will or won't happen, you know?

 

whatever you decide, good luck & don't shy away from asking for help. i'd advise you to seek some professional counseling, just a conversation. just support from someone professional. take care of YOU & think of you.

 

it won't be easy, but you'll survive. right now it seems like a nightmare, but you'll get out of it stronger.

[goodyblue]

OP I was so glad to read you have a good support system. That more than anything will be what matters. And truly, the child I had under difficult circumstances? I don't know how I would live without him. I really think no matter what you choose you will be fine.

 

It won't be easy, but it is life. It is never easy. Good luck.

[zashikibuta]

I have the same story as yours but I'm now 31 weeks pregnant. Haven't contacted MM for a month already, and I think it's better that way. I really have no intention stealing him from the start. I also do not want the family to be broken because of this. Just want to share my experience here though.

 

Since college, I always think that unwanted children will bring the mother joy in the future. That's because there's this child born out of wedlock who turned out to be more intelligent and more beautiful than her half-siblings, and I heard one commented that that child was a blessing, that good things do happen from bad things.

 

Ever since I was a child, I see abortion as a no-no, but I did research about it in the first few days of my pregnancy because of fear, suffering, and shame I would face in the future. After that research, I decided not to go for abortion because I couldn't let myself do that to my body and because of my conscience and my optimism in me that everything will work together for good. Told my family two weeks after I learned I was pregnant because I was hopeless and there's no better way to remove some burden than going to your family and trusted friends.

 

Emotionally, it wasn't a smooth ride of course in my first trimester. I did visit the doctor, took the prenatal vitamins religiously, ate the right food, and avoided unhealthy lifestyle, but deep inside, I wanted to have a spontaneous abortion. That those sets of chromosomes would just not work out. I believe you can give damages mentally to a child when you make him/her feel unwanted and unloved during their life in the womb so I said to myself that I would stop crying, not be depressed, and not think of negative thoughts in my 2nd trimester when the baby's brain starts to develop. I set a deadline.

 

It's also hard not having the father or a partner during your pregnancy especially because of hormones. Until now, I still think of him at some moments but little by little, I'm not that weak anymore. I was a fool of entertaining and keeping him in the first place. I've learned to accept that I'm not going to see the father again unless he wants to see his son. I've already accepted the fact that my son will not know his biological father in his early years or may not really meet him in his whole life. It's part of my consequences and I must face it with hope in God. We've made this mistake so let's face the consequences responsibly.

 

Now, I talk to my baby positive things like he will bring joy, peace, and love to me, everyone outside the womb is excited to see, hold, kiss, and love him, he is an intelligent child or man, he will honor God all throughout his life. I also say that he will not hate me for not knowing his biological father and that he will not hate him as well. That he will also bring joy, peace, and love to the father some day. I'm already trying and praying that he will not feel incomplete because he doesn't know his biological father. Also, I make sure that I have no hate to the father so that I will be able to give love to the innocent life.

 

Anyway, in my opinion, I really think you should keep the baby and raise him/her. There will be challenges but you will learn and gain great things with your new baby. Your daughter may like to have a younger sibling too. Ask God to help you. I myself learned about God because of this pregnancy, and I count that as a blessing. And don't dream for the MM anymore. He's not good for you and your family.

[Sassy Girl]

Good luck with your doctors appointment OP. I hope you can find peace and clarity to make the right decision for you.

[inabadsituation]

@zashikibuta thank you for sharing! Can I ask how did the MM react to you having the baby? Does the wife know? How has his attitude been towards you, does he/they plan to be there or since you last talked a month ago that was it? Congrats on your son they bring so much joy my son is my everything.

[dreamingoftigers]

Noelle's threads may be helpful to read.

 

 

Has MM had any contact with you since?

[inabadsituation]

Noelle's threads may be helpful to read.

 

 

Has MM had any contact with you since?

 

Yes we have been in contact. Its only been 2 weeks since we found out. He has been supportive but under the impression that I'm not having this baby. I expressed in these 2 weeks that I didn't want to do it and also that I can do it alone. I told him I would schedule abortion after I went to my doctor today to see if everything was ok, he knows I have doubts and I am sure he is hoping I don't have the baby. We have argued in this time but the past few days I told him I can't argue anymore, so communication has been limited. He asked to go to doctor with me today I told him he didn't need to and I can go alone. He still came. Of course the pregnancy is fine as seen by ultrasound I am very much 5w4d pregnant. I went back to work, he called and asked can he come over I said no I'm stressed and scared. He said he is too and that "we did this together, we made a mistake, and we will take care of it" (abortion). He said he is coming anyway and I plan on telling him my mind isn't 100% made up. I guess that will be the moment he flips out and gets nasty (maybe, I hope not, but we will see). I have decided to talk to my mom about this when she gets back this weekend she is very supportive and I really trust her views. I will also look into talking to an outside party (professional)as well. I have the next few weeks, the sooner the better because there is a time limit. I really really don't want to have an abortion it hurts my heart just thinking of it. Support from my family will make all the difference. To be continued

[gettingstronger]

Best of luck on your decision- my best advice at this point is put more stock in the power of you and the advice of people that have always supported you(family) than a person in a very bad situation (the MM) who may not be thinking clearly in terms of you and what you will be able to live with-I am not saying he is a horrible person, but he may not be in the best position to safeguard your best interests right now (especially if they conflict with his)

 

Hang tough-

[autumnnight]

Yes we have been in contact. Its only been 2 weeks since we found out. He has been supportive but under the impression that I'm not having this baby. I expressed in these 2 weeks that I didn't want to do it and also that I can do it alone. I told him I would schedule abortion after I went to my doctor today to see if everything was ok, he knows I have doubts and I am sure he is hoping I don't have the baby. We have argued in this time but the past few days I told him I can't argue anymore, so communication has been limited. He asked to go to doctor with me today I told him he didn't need to and I can go alone. He still came. Of course the pregnancy is fine as seen by ultrasound I am very much 5w4d pregnant. I went back to work, he called and asked can he come over I said no I'm stressed and scared. He said he is too and that "we did this together, we made a mistake, and we will take care of it" (abortion). He said he is coming anyway and I plan on telling him my mind isn't 100% made up. I guess that will be the moment he flips out and gets nasty (maybe, I hope not, but we will see). I have decided to talk to my mom about this when she gets back this weekend she is very supportive and I really trust her views. I will also look into talking to an outside party (professional)as well. I have the next few weeks, the sooner the better because there is a time limit. I really really don't want to have an abortion it hurts my heart just thinking of it. Support from my family will make all the difference. To be continued

 

Please don't let him bully you into making HIS choice.

[Sassy Girl]

Good luck OP. I think it's a good idea to talk to people you trust.

 

Not sure if you're planning a medical termination (mifepristone/RU486) or a surgical one, but if you have any questions about the medical, feel fee to PM me.

 

You will be OK.

[nikki76]

"We" will take care if it?

Words straight from the mouth of a man with his tail between his legs.

He says he will come with you during your procedure, if you decide to go that route. Of course he will. He wants to make sure your don't change your mind and disappear for 9 months. Only to show up on his doorstep, asking for child support and destroying his life as he knows it.

 

I'm sorry you are in this position. I dont mean to sound bitter. I know if it were me, no doubt in my mind, I would chose abortion. I had one many years before I met my husband. Was it emotionally hard? Yes, extremely. But like everything else, you will get over it.

 

Asking your mom for her support and advice is a great idea . In my opinion, mm shouldn't have any part of the decision making. Yes, it's his baby too, but if he's like most mm, i don't think he would have any part of raising this baby. If he loved you as much as he says he did, he would be with you and not with his wife. I'm sorry.

 

He's going to be kissing your ass the next few weeks and wanting to "be there for you". Don't mistake this as love. This is his way of making sure you go the abortion route. You seem like you have your head on straight and have good judgment of his character. But just be careful. And do what's right for YOU. It doesn't seem like you want to have an abortion and that you have a great support team. This could make all the difference in the world for you and your baby. One that I wouldn't have had, if I chose to keep that baby.

 

Whatever decision you make, you will get through it and you will be okay. Best of luck to you!

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Yes we have been in contact. Its only been 2 weeks since we found out. He has been supportive but under the impression that I'm not having this baby. I expressed in these 2 weeks that I didn't want to do it and also that I can do it alone. I told him I would schedule abortion after I went to my doctor today to see if everything was ok, he knows I have doubts and I am sure he is hoping I don't have the baby. We have argued in this time but the past few days I told him I can't argue anymore, so communication has been limited. He asked to go to doctor with me today I told him he didn't need to and I can go alone. He still came. Of course the pregnancy is fine as seen by ultrasound I am very much 5w4d pregnant. I went back to work, he called and asked can he come over I said no I'm stressed and scared. He said he is too and that "we did this together, we made a mistake, and we will take care of it" (abortion). He said he is coming anyway and I plan on telling him my mind isn't 100% made up. I guess that will be the moment he flips out and gets nasty (maybe, I hope not, but we will see). I have decided to talk to my mom about this when she gets back this weekend she is very supportive and I really trust her views. I will also look into talking to an outside party (professional)as well. I have the next few weeks, the sooner the better because there is a time limit. I really really don't want to have an abortion it hurts my heart just thinking of it. Support from my family will make all the difference. To be continued

 

Please confide your true feelings in a trusted friend or family member! He had one goal in mind and that is that the consequences of his actions don't interfere with his "real" life! Please, whatever decision you make, let it be your own, with no input from him.He is choosing his own life over that of your own child's! It couldn't be more obvious. Please consult with one of your trusted friends or family!

[dreamingoftigers]

"We" will take care if it?

Words straight from the mouth of a man with his tail between his legs.

He says he will come with you during your procedure, if you decide to go that route. Of course he will. He wants to make sure your don't change your mind and disappear for 9 months. Only to show up on his doorstep, asking for child support and destroying his life as he knows it.

 

I'm sorry you are in this position. I dont mean to sound bitter. I know if it were me, no doubt in my mind, I would chose abortion. I had one many years before I met my husband. Was it emotionally hard? Yes, extremely. But like everything else, you will get over it.

 

Asking your mom for her support and advice is a great idea . In my opinion, mm shouldn't have any part of the decision making. Yes, it's his baby too, but if he's like most mm, i don't think he would have any part of raising this baby. If he loved you as much as he says he did, he would be with you and not with his wife. I'm sorry.

 

He's going to be kissing your ass the next few weeks and wanting to "be there for you". Don't mistake this as love. This is his way of making sure you go the abortion route. You seem like you have your head on straight and have good judgment of his character. But just be careful. And do what's right for YOU. It doesn't seem like you want to have an abortion and that you have a great support team. This could make all the difference in the world for you and your baby. One that I wouldn't have had, if I chose to keep that baby.

 

Whatever decision you make, you will get through it and you will be okay. Best of luck to you!

 

 

I totally agree with this characterization of MM.

 

I don't think he would even care what you picked so long as it went away quietly.

[blue963]

I came across this on fb and thought of you. No pushing the religious aspect but it is written by someone who has been in a difficult position too and now 14 years later.

 

14 years ago I left NJ to get out of the most abusive relationships I had ever been in my life. I signed off on our multi-million dollar business and assets just to walk free and create a fresh start in Boca Raton, FL. I struggled because I had no money, no business, no home, joint loans were being defaulted on forcing me into bankruptcy and then that fateful day, I discovered I was pregnant with Kayla. Naturally I was scared and the phone call I made to my ex that day was met with a click. God spoke to me clearly in that moment and said "if you take care of this baby, I will take care of you" and my gosh he has. A few months after finding out I was pregnant, I met Ken Kuecha and we married when I was 4 months. He adopted Kayla and has been a wonderful father to her. Today Kayla turned 14. She's at summer camp but we texted for hours last night and I am so proud of the woman she is becoming. She is strong and powerful and although she still at times wonders why her bio rejected her, she's decided it will never define her. She knows she's blessed as has two great dads in Ken and Cliff.

Why do I share this story with you on her birthday, because I want you to know that she was my gift from God and while I had no idea how I would care for her or manage at the time, I had faith and I was obedient to where God was leading me. Kayla is a special soul and will someday be on Broadway because that's what she's decided to do and she won't be stopped. God bless her little soul at camp this week and if ever I am not here anymore Kayla and you read this, know that you will always be my first love. Happy Birthday gorgeous! heart emoticon heart emoticon heart emoticon

[goodyblue]

It feels like everyone posting are just trying to.tell you to.do.what.they.think is best for you.

 

We do not know you. We cannot possibly tell you what is best for you.

 

You must confide in a trusted friend or relative. Please, before you make a decision, tell someone besides MM!!

 

Hang in there.

[whichwayisup]

I have decided to talk to my mom about this when she gets back this weekend she is very supportive and I really trust her views. I will also look into talking to an outside party (professional)as well. I have the next few weeks, the sooner the better because there is a time limit. I really really don't want to have an abortion it hurts my heart just thinking of it. Support from my family will make all the difference. To be continued

 

You are handling this in a healthy way. You have the love, the understanding and support from your mom and you are willing to seek counseling and talk to someone about this before making a final decision. That's a good thing as you're soul searching and not just reacting and doing.

Whatever your decision is, will be the right one for you! Don't let anybody on here or exMM make you feel bad or guilty. This is YOUR life, nobody has the right to dictate what you do as they aren't the ones in your shoes.

 

I'm sure you will weigh all your options and figure it out. I support you no matter happens.

[sookie321]

What does your gut tell you?

 

When I had to make that kind of decision I looked back right at the second when I made the test and found out it was possitive.

 

I was not ready for kids at all. Especially knowing that 99.9% chance is that I would do this alone. Couldn't bear the thought of all the negativity about the situation and the impact it would have on a baby.

 

I rarely regret the decision but I think about it very often. It's been 6 months.

 

I really feel for you and wish you peace with whatever your decision is.

[whatatangledweb]

OP, I believe that you should do what feels right for you. Do not let anyone else make your decision . If you feel abortion is the right decision then do that. But do not do it because someone else wants you to do it. If you want to have the baby then do it. You have another child so you know the upside and downside of raising a child. You could give the baby up for adoption if you feel you do not want to abort but you also don't want to raise another.

 

It is your life and your body. Weigh the pros and cons of each and go with the one that feels right for you. I wish you the best as I know how difficult this is for you.

[LivingWaterPlease]

OP, I'm trusting you are spending time with those close to you and getting great support from them as you anticipated!

 

You and your situation have come to my mind a few times since I posted and I'm praying that God will comfort you, guide you and surround you with His love more than ever before!

[kieraglass]

It takes a lot of courage to raise a child of an affair or rape. I always thought if myself as a timid person, a comfort seeking sort. When I discovered i was pregnant as a result of my affair, I changed. It was not anything i ever saw in myself. Though the baby passed prematurely, I'd go through it all again. My soul is at peace now. I'm glad he was here, and I'm glad he changed me. I had an abortion at 28, and i could not do that again. I'm not at peace with that choice these years later. But this last one, I am.

 

The key is deciding that MM'S views mean NOTHING. The decision has to come with them and their bs completely outside the loop. Only then can you see inside your heart to what you need and want. Their bs muddies the water. They mean nothing. It's you, and your heart. Nothing more.

 

Good luck OP. My child would be crawling now. I think of him every day. But I'm at peace. I wish you peace as well.