Should I stay or go?

[angel1826]

I have been with my husband for 7 1/2 years but have only been married for 2 1/2 years. We have a little girl now who is 9 months old. In the beginning there was passion in our relationship. Then something medical happened and the passion is gone and has never been the same. I go through periods where every 3 months I feel that I am not in love with him anymore. He doesn't know what else to do? He doesn't understand why I am always feeling this way. Is it time for me to leave the relationship while our daughter is still young or work it out? We don't have a intimate relationship I couldn't be bothered. Need advice!

[New_Wife]

You didn't mention if you are in counseling or not? My first suggestion would be for YOU to go. Then together with your husband. The impression I get is that you do love him and your family, but something else is going on. I don't mean that as an accusation - I'm trying to phrase this right - something like maybe you're depressed, or in a rut, or you look at your life and feel like 'this is it & it's not enough' and that freaks you out sometimes. I think that happens to all of us. But that's me guessing WAY out there with very little info.

 

Before you make any decisions that will affect the rest of 3 lives - go sort out what you're feeling with someone trained to help you find those answers.

[TUDOR]

Originally posted by angel1826

I go through periods where every 3 months I feel that I am not in love with him anymore.

 

Every 3 months still leaves a lot of year that you think you ARE in love with him. How do you feel during those times that is so much different from the feeling you get when you think you aren't in love with him? Just trying to figure out where you are is all.

[angel1826]

I am not in counselling just yet. I am looking into it but that lies the number one problem right now in our relationship is money. I know every couple fights about money but we are in the process of losing everything. Since I have been getting less money due to maternity we are extremely struggling. We are constantly fighting about it and don't get me started on the sex. I am trying to figure out why exactly I am not in love with him. I guess those months that I am in love with him means that we are not struggling with something or other. I believe that I am starting to resent him cause this is the life I never wanted before I met him. I never wanted to have to struggle this bad just to have a good time. Who knows?

[bigbuffs]

It sounds like you do love him, it's just the fights and struggling that you don't love. Definately get some counseling, probably for both of you. Maybe it will help you realize that money is not worth losing a loved one over. Sometimes when we go through problems in our lives we place the blame on whatever we can find, especially if your not sure why your unhappy (and it sounds like your unhappy with your life, not with him). I think counseling would be a good way of letting him know how you feel. Remember that you are in this together. Hopefully he will be willing to listen to what you have to say and be willing to try to help you through this, and you should do the same for him. Don't let the problem just hang over your heads or it will destroy your relationship. Do what needs to be done to help fix your problems. Have you told him you feel this way yet?

[angel1826]

Yes I finally told him how I feel and he said "We go through this every 3-4 months". This time he says that he can't take it anymore cause of our daughter growing up. He said that he doesn't want her to go through it every time I feel like he's not the one. It turns out that the company he works for has marriage counselling so now I don't have to worry about paying for that. I guess ya you could say I am unhappy with my life but sometimes I am unhappy with him. But I guess in the long run everyone can't stay happy at each other all the time. Stress is the main thing right now and I believe in time it will all work out. Thanks for the advice.

[Mz. Pixie]

Nine months is a long time to be on maternity leave. If you're not ill- why can't you go back to work? That may lessen the financial strain.

 

I suggest counseling. Also, having your first child is a stressful event. Perhaps all of this was brought on by the birth? Did it start around that time?

[amy1975]

in the real first world, 9 months for maternity is NORMAL.

 

Only in this sicko country, would women be expected to work after 6 weeks.

[Moose]

The only reason to leave a marriage is infidelity. Counceling is a possiblilty, communication is a MUST. Money isn't everything. Sex isn't everything. Those can be worked out through productive communication.

[angel1826]

I am heading back to work next week but only part time. I would not make enough money to pay daycare for full time employment so that is all I can do for now. In Canada there are a lot of mothers who take a year off to be with their baby. We will be going to counselling to try and work everything out. I don't want to leave cause we have a life together. It may not be the life that I wanted but I can work on it to become that life. I have a beautiful daughter to think of and I wouldn't want her thinking that marriages don't work. I thank you all again for your advice. I will keep you posted if you are interested.

[Mz. Pixie]

I'm not saying it's RIGHT to only get nine months- the US is actually way behind every other country in Maternity Leave benefits.

 

In the real first world women wouldn't have to work unless they wanted to and it wouldn't be so expensive to raise a family either but we're not living in those times.

 

I didn't know you were in Canada. So, your husband is going to watch the baby while you're working part time?

[angel1826]

The year would have given me plenty of time to get my daughter settled in and me to find a new better paying job. With everything happening in our lives I have had to return to work at least 1 month early to a crappy paying job that I had before. Yes, my husband will be looking after our daughter nights and weekends until he returns to school and then I will have to find someone to take her but that isn't until September so that's ok.

 

I am in the process of looking for a better paying job with either full-time or part-time as long as I don't have to pay the enormous amount of daycare.

 

I am sure my husband and I will work it all out cause we have something in our relationship it's just stress and my illness that makes it so difficult at times.

 

Thanks for the advice.

[bigbuffs]

It sounds like your thinking more positive about things which is good.

 

The only reason to leave a marriage is infidelity. Counceling is a possiblilty, communication is a MUST. Money isn't everything. Sex isn't everything. Those can be worked out through productive communication.

 

I agree with Moose here. I think sometimes that we get caught up with so many little things in life that we forget what really matters. I'm not sure what kind of life you wanted, but maybe try looking more at the things you have (like a beautiful daughter and a loving husband and probably a lot more) rather than what you don't have. Your problem sounds to one similar to what my wife and I are going through. It seemed like every few months she just got really down. Fortunately for you you have a chance to start fixing things before they get even worse. Try to keep a positive attitude but you both must realize that a marriage takes a lot of work to make it succesful. Don't let things build up to much but try to adress any problems that come up immediately and let each other know how you feel about your life and your marriage because communication is the key. Do keep us posted.