Limited contact or be friends to win her back

[Slim P]

Going on six months of separationof 19 years together and 10 years married. While on sepeation she started to date someone for a couple months and he called I quites on her and wanted to be just friends. Limited contact work but when we got back together I moved in to fast. She said she was being smothered and confused that she still had feelings for him but wanted to work it out. It was ruff but we were starting to do OK, but not much physically just Goodbye kissing until a few days ago (tue june 30) started to get sexual but she had to leave for work. Texting from work that night started to make plans for stuff to do together the rest of summer. Then she was out with friend celebrating on July 3rd. Well they ended up talking about wanting to get back together. She tells me that she doesn't know what to do about us and has to see if they will be back together. The problems from doing limited contact is she says the time apart drove us further apart. Should I go back to limited contact or try to be a friend and win her back like all the stuff Google about like trying to break up someone to get with them or staying friends with your ex to get her back stuff

[Slim P]

She said that the limited contact might have proved that we grew to be just friend not anything more

[wizer]

She might have said the limited contact drove you further apart but I seriously doubt it.

 

She's got this guy on the side, as long as he's in the picture you probably don't have much of a chance. Unfortunately there's not much you can do about it. My suggestion is you go complete no contact- start working on yourself and treat this situation as if it's permanent because it very well might be. Forget about all of this "winning her back" by acting a certain way, that never works and even if it seems like it's working on a limited basis, it really isn't. It takes time for real change to occur, you're just going to have to wait it out but like I said use the time to prepare for life without her because that's probably what's going to happen.

[oldshirt]

reconciliation can't work while she is involved with someone else.

 

 

You are barking up the wrong tree here and are just spinning your wheels. You are trying to play jr high games here. If you don't want to divorce then you need to clearly state your intentions and petition for reconciliation, marital counseling and remaining in the marital home together assuming there is no abuse, violence, addiction etc.

 

 

She will either say yes and agree to counseling, remaining in home, attempted reconciliation etc.

 

 

Or she will say not and continue her involvement with OM.

 

 

If she says yes to attempted reconciliation then she will need to agree to complete NC with OM and a sincere effort at reconciliation.

 

 

If she says no or if she jacks you around and continues to see OM, then cut your losses and move along and carry on with your life without her.

 

 

You are trying to play games and manipulate her.....won't work.

 

 

This really has to be an all-in or all-out proposition. It's about boundaries to protect yourself and not smoke and mirrors to trick her into coming back.

 

 

Either make a stand and state your true wishes and come up with a workable plan to institute it. Or turn and walk away if she is not all-in and giving it 100% effort.

 

 

Anything less than 100% good faith effort on her part is just spitting in the wind and wasting your time and energy and giving you false hope.

[oldshirt]

Look up and institute "The 180."

 

 

However be advised it is NOT a program for getting somebody back even though it is sometimes touted as such.

 

 

It is a means of protecting yourself and guarding your own best interests and not allowing yourself to be used or manipulated.

 

 

The 180 is the quickest and most efficient means of moving on and not being jerked around.

 

 

There really are no games or tricks for getting someone back. You either stand up and give it sincere effort, or you walk away and give moving on 100% sincere effort.

 

 

The bottom line is that you move on for yourself and to guard your own heart and self interests. It is not a ploy to try to get someone back.

 

 

Sometimes after someone has moved on with their own life, they have a change of heart and come back. But one she never plan on that nor should anyone use the 180 as ploy to get them back.

 

 

The purpose of moving on is to actually move on.

[Slim P]

Can't do full have an 11, 8, and 6 year old. She has made it sound like in the end that the won't be together and he is probably a jack ass and doesn't want a divorce.

[wizer]

wow 3 young kids in the middle of this mess. Right you cannot go full no contact so you do what you can to stay out of each other's way and limit conversations to business only and the children, leave anything personal out of it and keep the conversations short and to the point. With some creativity you can arrange pickups and dropoffs in such a way that there is no face to face contact between the two of you.

[kenmore]

Sorry dude. It is so crappy. Please get off the friends thing, that is nothing more than a recipe for hurt. do you want to be hurt forever? I can't imagine why. Not that I feel superior, but I told my wife when she was breaking up with me that I don't want to be friends. If she breaks up with me it's permanent. While I feel it was good to make that clear and I'm so happy I did, it was permanent and hurtful. I knew that then and I still do. I just knew I could never do the friends thing.

 

I feel bad that you are going through this. For myself, if my wife or GF found someone else, I'd have to say farewell, but I also know it's easy to say that. I really feel for you and with children, it is so much worse. Geez, what is wrong with people who do this??

 

I don't know. I find it so hard to let go of my crappy wife who doesn't want me and we have no kids. I don't know what to say to a man who has kids with his wife and loves her. All I can think of is look out for you my friend! Don't let her rule your life! I found out too late that I let my wife have too much control. Get your life under your own belt!

 

All I can do is wish you the best, I do!

 

Ken

[introverted_1]

I'm really sorry, Slim...but I think wizer and Kenmore are right. Your spouse really does not seem interested in reconciliation, especially with a guy on the side.

 

The best thing is to resign yourself to divorce.

 

I'm really sorry- with kids in the mix, divorce is especially sad.

[ChicagoSparty]

Reconciliation is the ultimate relationship pipe-dream. Not saying this to rain on parades, but to be realistic. There are bridges that, once crossed, typically just disintegrate and cannot be crossed back over on. It's just sort of the nature of this situation.

 

If you don't want to divorce, then you need to make your position clear. However, if she's not reciprocal, then do yourself a HUGE favor and just move on. And by reciprocal, I don't mean she is lukewarm to it and dangles that chance in front of you while she still hangs out with another guy.

 

I would say that if she isn't fully inboards and engaged with counseling, then just drop it. Otherwise, you're going to be a convenient, comfortable safety net for her while she does whatever she wants to do.

 

These things, honestly, end in divorce so often that I wonder why people even entertain the idea of reconciliation. 1:1,000,000 probability. Not worth wasting the energy or confusing the kids.

[d0nnivain]

If the divorce is final just give up already. The time to save your marriage was years ago, when it was falling apart not now after it's already over.

 

 

Because you have kids you understand that some contact is required for them.

 

 

You can't really be her friend. Do you actually want her to talk to you about her new relationship?

 

 

Have you tried MC? If not, try to talk her into it. If she won't go, you are going to have to accept that she's done & nothing in your power can change that. Consider going to therapy yourself to learn how to let her go.

[oldshirt]

Can't do full have an 11, 8, and 6 year old. She has made it sound like in the end that the won't be together and he is probably a jack ass and doesn't want a divorce.

 

You are making that sound like it is good news and that you have a chance (...think Jim Carey in Dumb and Dumber - "so you are saying we have a chance!" )

 

But the reality is it is a sign of doom for you. It means if some guy that's not already married and isn't an ass, that she will take off with him. .....assuming that guy isn't you.

 

You are grasping at straws here. She is disconnected and disinvested from you.

 

It is over in her eyes.

[Mrin]

Ok, I am going to lay it out straight...

 

Unless you guys are in MC and have made vows to each other that you're going to try to work it out, it isn't going to happen given the status quo - being friends or limited contact still have the same result - you two not being together.

 

Put yourself in her shoes right now. Why would she go back to you? She already had you for 19 years. It sounds like she made the decision to leave you or at least was the instigator in your separation - right? You are already through the messy part of divorce - separating finances, living apart, telling the kids, managing the kids. All that remains is paper. She seems to be enjoying experiencing this next phase of her life. Even the "i'm making a bad decision to date this bad boy" - yup, that's a phase. All of that is very liberating. Intoxicating even. This new phase is her life represents freedom even if it is freedom to make mistakes. You represent a return to the life she's already known and that doesn't represent freedom.

 

To top it all off, you are making yourself emotionally available to her. Pining away for her. Kissing. Having conversations. She doesn't feel compelled to make a decision. In a sense, she can have her cake and eat it too.

 

You need to come to grips with two things:

 

1. The current situation is un-winnable. Not to get too geeky but you need to pull a James T. Kirk and realize the only way to win an un-winnable situation is to change the rules.

 

2. And in doing so you need to do it in a way that helps you move on. You *may* get her back. But more importantly you need to start looking out for yourself and moving on.

 

So this is what I'd do:

 

You need to start dating. Nothing serious but you need to start dating other women. First, it will give you some perspective on the whole situation. But for her it will change the rules. Look, if she is going to come back she needs to have a cathartic "I didn't realize I loved you so much" moment. Right now that isn't happening. You starting to date someone else - that *could* trigger it because she will realize that you, as an option, may be going away forever. But don't bank on it. Don't expect it. Do it for yourself. You are a father of three kids. Your first job is to make sure you can be the best father you can and this is a step in the right direction.

 

Best of luck dude!

[81West]

If a woman loses respect for you it's a very hard thing to win back, and if you get back together after it's been compromised you'll always be at risk of her getting bored, resentful and attracted to other people. Respect is generally a huge, huge part of a woman seeing a man as a partner. Some men and circumstances can pull off the waiting in the wings for her to come to her senses thing, and others simply end up looking weak - and weak is a certain attraction killer. If you can hang around and pull off vulnerable but self respecting, that is a different thing than weak. That can work. It's hard to advise you other than to say if you start getting a sense that she doesn't respect you or sees you as weak - do the opposite of whatever you're doing. Look for signs of subtle contempt, indifference or actions that seem to take you for granted.