How can I help him help himself?

[catt]

Hi everyone. I have a serious problem and am hoping that some of you could offer some advice. My fiance is suffering from major depression. Last weekend, he lost it and proceeded to destroy our apartment because he was drunk and wanted the car keys that I had hidden. Ultimately, I had to pack a few things and stay with friends for a week as this outburst completely terrified me. Prior to this incident, he had never even slammed a door in anger.

 

I just returned home yesterday and he has been going on about not having slept or eaten in the last week. Also, he said that he has nothing to live for and is contemplating suicide.

 

He has been drinking heavily for the last year and a half as a way of drowning what I believe is post traumatic stress disorder. He suffered through a major tragedy which destroyed his home town and killed many family members and friends.

 

I have tried desperately to convince him to seek professional help. He refuses to do so saying that it will not help and that he doesn't believe in it. This could be cultural as the men here are meant to be ultra-strong and not admit to or show any weakness. I should also mention that I live in his country and I am a foreigner here. They do not appear to be up to speed on mental health care here. It seems that there are no 'therapists', only psychologists who hand out (what he believes are) 'mind'altering drugs that turn you into a vegetable.'

 

He is completely against getting help and I no longer know what to do. His family will be of no real help as they have all suffered the same tragedy. There are no suicide prevention lines here and I feel I have no where to turn. Please, can anyone offer some advice?

[Tony T]

You have no choice but to cut your losses, pack up and leave.

 

Alcohol is a depressant and will serve only to make matters worse in the longrun. He needs therapy in the worst way and if that can't be achieved, he will not make a suitable mate for you...at least not in the foreseeable future.

 

It is tragic that these things have happened. On the outside chance that there may just be a slight chance for you, if you are American...go to the American Embassy nearest you and ask them if there is any help they can offer under these circumstances. They may say you have to marry him first. Or if you are from another country, go to your country's embassy. Or you could ask someone at any embassy what kinds of help are available for your fiance's problem, which resulted from a disaster.

 

If he were in a more advanced country, there would be excellent treatments that could make him fine in a matter of months. Of course, he may have to remain in treatment much longer...if he would submit to it.

 

What you describe is a seriously unhealthy situation for you. You are not obligated to ruin the rest of your own life because of this tragedy. I don't care how much you love someone, if they are not going to seek help for your benefit then the love does not sufficiently flow to you.

 

I say evacuate yourself as soon as possible. If you decide to exhaust your own constitution hanging around there and putting up with the abuse, notify a number of people of the situation so they can monitor the situation and can get you out of there when you finally collapse.