If You are the OW & Expose

[Tayla]

Am I the only one sickened by these OWs telling wives about their husbands' affairs?

 

Why?! Why would you a) demean yourself to that extent; b) inflict such pain on an innocent party; c) potentially ruin a bunch of lives (his, hers, kids'). How effing selfish...

 

You don't owe her an apology - you are not the one who vowed to be true to her. Can't deal with your own guilty conscience because you screwed her husband? That's the price of admission if you decide to enter an illicit relationship with a married man. Unburdening yourself is nothing but selfish vindictive and childish move.

 

Just don't do it. It's between the two of them.

 

Yes, I was an OW. Yes, I was lied to and misled. No, I would never expose him under any circumstances.

 

so ignorance is bliss? trying to understand here, not being smart.

As someone who was betrayed i can assure you that the truth is not what hurts us, its the decption of the other woman/ man and their follies. The truth I can handle, the lieing , not so much.

[TerraIncognita]

so ignorance is bliss? trying to understand here, not being smart.

As someone who was betrayed i can assure you that the truth is not what hurts us, its the decption of the other woman/ man and their follies. The truth I can handle, the lieing , not so much.

 

Tayla, I get it, you don't have to tell me how much it hurts to be cheated on and lied to. I have been there, too. And I have a great deal of empathy for betrayed spouses.

 

But it's not TOW that owes you the truth, it's your husband. And if he refuses to give it to you, you *can* leave him based on his refusal. The other woman didn't lie to you, your husband did. She doesn't owe you the truth, he does.

 

If you are hurting over your husband's affair, I recommend reading affairadvice.wordpress.com. Very enlightening.

 

(Hope it's ok to recommend other sources, if not, I will delete)

[NewLeaf512]

While I don't think it was right to spill the beans, I can understand why you did. The guy lied to you and you didn't enter the relationship knowing he was married.

 

Hypothetically do you still think you would have told all had you entered the affair knowing he was still married?

 

Thanks for your response. If you read the first post in the thread, I didn't spill the beans he did it. I was trying to end it for days and finally said if you don't leave me alone and stop disrespecting me I am going to have to tell your W. He left work early to tell her himself.

[HappyAgain2014]

Am I the only one sickened by these OWs telling wives about their husbands' affairs?

 

Why?! Why would you a) demean yourself to that extent; b) inflict such pain on an innocent party; c) potentially ruin a bunch of lives (his, hers, kids'). How effing selfish...

 

You don't owe her an apology - you are not the one who vowed to be true to her. Can't deal with your own guilty conscience because you screwed her husband? That's the price of admission if you decide to enter an illicit relationship with a married man. Unburdening yourself is nothing but selfish vindictive and childish move.

 

Just don't do it. It's between the two of them.

 

Yes, I was an OW. Yes, I was lied to and misled. No, I would never expose him under any circumstances.

 

I respectfully disagree. In my situation, it would have been easier to stay quiet. I took risks telling her. I didn't unburden myself by telling the truth. I know this because I still live with the guilt of the affair today but it's for the affair, not the disclosure. It was the only right thing I did. I gave her the choice to ask with a promise of an honest answer. Quite frankly, a choice her husband denied her.

 

Being honest gave me my dignity back. As horrible as this must have been for his wife, I'd bet money she regained much of hers once the truth of his behavior came to light, too.

[Tayla]

Tayla, I get it, you don't have to tell me how much it hurts to be cheated on and lied to. I have been there, too. And I have a great deal of empathy for betrayed spouses.

 

But it's not TOW that owes you the truth, it's your husband. And if he refuses to give it to you, you *can* leave him based on his refusal. The other woman didn't lie to you, your husband did. She doesn't owe you the truth, he does.

 

If you are hurting over your husband's affair, I recommend reading affairadvice.wordpress.com. Very enlightening.

 

(Hope it's ok to recommend other sources, if not, I will delete)

Thank you for the recommendation. TBH that affair was well over 23 years ago, I've long since healed and forgave . Your response was mature and fair. You see in my years since i've always considered both persons bank robbers, stealing of sorts. each equally accountable for robbing the betrayed spouse of honesty. So each is accountable, each are adults, each have mouths to speak. each chose that affair. I only had the choice to endure the months after . He's long since moved out of my life ... yet each adult that chose this tryst had ample opportunity to come clean. there would have been a bit more respect had either of them come forth... anyways... lessons learned and hearts do heal.

[waterwoman]

 

But it's not TOW that owes you the truth, it's your husband. And if he refuses to give it to you, you *can* leave him based on his refusal.

 

If he refuses to give you the truth how do you KNOW you need to leave him. Most people won't end a marriage on a hunch. Gut feeling isn't enough.

 

It's also nothing to do with what the OW owes - it's not a debt to be paid - I agree with you that the only debt owed is by the WS. It's giving the BW a gift - not a joyful gift but an essential one.

[Confused48]

Terra,

 

I have to say as a BS I'd be grateful to have had the news from the AP. Knowledge is a good thing. Whoever is the messenger.

 

I totally disagree that the AP did not owe me anything. Owed me human decency. Hence my anger towards the AP. Such thoughts may have been prevented if there were signs of regret, like a confession.

[RainDown]

I would hang up on her. I don't owe her anything, much less an explanation. Whatever he decides to tell or not tell his wife, it's between the two of them.

Maybe they stand a chance of fixing whatever is broken in their marriage which would be destroyed if I exposed him. Maybe not. But it's not my place to make that judgement call.

 

And whoever said I sound angry - you bet I do. I don't suffer fools gladly, and sheer selfishness and stupidity of those who tell wives and then pontificate here how he deserved her wrath and she deserved to know the truth does indeed make me angry.

 

I was both, a betrayed spouse and TOW. And I would never demean myself and compromise my dignity by confronting the other woman, or answering the wive's questions.

 

We all knew we were getting involved with deceitful men, except for far and few in between cases when MM misrepresented his status. So why act so hurt and indignant when it's done to us what we'd facilitated done to their wives? Come on, take responsibility and punishment of pain and despair and walk away without leaving a trail of carnage behind.

 

So it seems like you think you have a right to have sex with another woman's husband, but if she confronts you about it she has no right to the truth. That really doesn't make a lot of sense.

[Cloudcuckoo]

Am I the only one sickened by these OWs telling wives about their husbands' affairs?

 

Why?! Why would you a) demean yourself to that extent; b) inflict such pain on an innocent party; c) potentially ruin a bunch of lives (his, hers, kids'). How effing selfish...

 

You don't owe her an apology - you are not the one who vowed to be true to her. Can't deal with your own guilty conscience because you screwed her husband? That's the price of admission if you decide to enter an illicit relationship with a married man. Unburdening yourself is nothing but selfish vindictive and childish move.

 

Just don't do it. It's between the two of them.

 

Yes, I was an OW. Yes, I was lied to and misled. No, I would never expose him under any circumstances.

 

Terra, I agree with elements of this and not others. The poster was 'relieved' of her decision to tell by the MM in the end, but while I agree he is the one responsible, she must surely accept her role as accomplice?

 

I too have been both a BW and consequently,an OW. As a wife I would have appreciated the opportunity to ask questions of the OW for clarity had she been open to a calm and respectful interaction. Unfortunately she couldn't have been further from sane, and that I understand also. Affairs make fools of all of us.

 

I think it relevant that you recognise guilt being a precursor to telling as the OW didn't get what she wanted, and I acknowledge that as a likely and probable reason for many to want to tell.

 

You make valid points.

[Sassy Girl]

Thanks for your response. If you read the first post in the thread, I didn't spill the beans he did it. I was trying to end it for days and finally said if you don't leave me alone and stop disrespecting me I am going to have to tell your W. He left work early to tell her himself.

 

Semantics. He only told because you forced his hand. And in other posts you sound a bit miffed he beat you to the punch.

 

Can't play both sides of the fence.

[RainDown]

Terra,

 

I have to say as a BS I'd be grateful to have had the news from the AP. Knowledge is a good thing. Whoever is the messenger.

 

I totally disagree that the AP did not owe me anything. Owed me human decency. Hence my anger towards the AP. Such thoughts may have been prevented if there were signs of regret, like a confession.

 

It might make you less angry to understand that the AP doesn't view the married couple as a unit. OW/OM view their affair partner as a single unit with a spouse hovering somewhere in the background and not a factor in the affair at all. Hence the "I don't owe her anything, he does" argument. It's called compartmentalization and it's kind of a requirement for an affair to proceed. If looked at realistically - ie you're entering a relationship as the third person in an already established couple relationship you'd really be forced to acknowledge the couple as a single unit and yourself as a third - which is an unpleasant reality. It's much easier to make the unknowing betrayed spouse a non-person to whom you owe nothing.

 

It's really not personal. It's how affairs work.

[Cloudcuckoo]

It might make you less angry to understand that the AP doesn't view the married couple as a unit. OW/OM view their affair partner as a single unit with a spouse hovering somewhere in the background and not a factor in the affair at all. Hence the "I don't owe her anything, he does" argument. It's called compartmentalization and it's kind of a requirement for an affair to proceed. If looked at realistically - ie you're entering a relationship as the third person in an already established couple relationship you'd really be forced to acknowledge the couple as a single unit and yourself as a third - which is an unpleasant reality. It's much easier to make the unknowing betrayed spouse a non-person to whom you owe nothing.

 

It's really not personal. It's how affairs work.

 

This might be one of those few posts that actually makes complete sense, and might even offer some relief to a few.

 

Enlightening from an OW and sensitively put to a BW. Nicely done Rain.

[TerraIncognita]

So it seems like you think you have a right to have sex with another woman's husband, but if she confronts you about it she has no right to the truth. That really doesn't make a lot of sense.

 

 

Well, yes... I can have sex with whomever I want as long as it's legal and consensual.

 

I don't need anyone's permission. Her husband is an adult capable of making his own choices. I don't feel responsible to his wife, not at all. I am only responsible to those I made vows to.

 

Sure it would be nice to know the truth. And I can understand how a BS would want to know the truth, at any cost, including from TOW. I did, too! But if you can't get it from your husband, doesn't that alone tell you everything you need to know about where your marriage stands?

[TerraIncognita]

It might make you less angry to understand that the AP doesn't view the married couple as a unit. OW/OM view their affair partner as a single unit with a spouse hovering somewhere in the background and not a factor in the affair at all. Hence the "I don't owe her anything, he does" argument. It's called compartmentalization and it's kind of a requirement for an affair to proceed. If looked at realistically - ie you're entering a relationship as the third person in an already established couple relationship you'd really be forced to acknowledge the couple as a single unit and yourself as a third - which is an unpleasant reality. It's much easier to make the unknowing betrayed spouse a non-person to whom you owe nothing.

 

It's really not personal. It's how affairs work.

 

Rain, that's a very interesting perspective, I have to think about what you wrote.

[goodyblue]

I don't believe in exposure unless something extreme occurs such as an std, abuse or possibly a pregnancy.

 

Just as BS state there are crazy OW out there (and there are), BS can be crazy as well. I would hate to have a BS pull a Betty Broderick.

 

I received a call from my guy's daughter and his ex wife. I referred them back to him.

[TerraIncognita]

There might be a grain of truth in this compartmentalization theory. I do tend to view people as individuals, and not somebody's property. Perhaps it's a cultural difference- I am European.

 

I do still believe that OWs exposing APs or forcing APs to come clean to their spouse is nothing but an act of revenge, regardless of how it's being rationalized and explained away.

 

To the lurking OWs contemplating exposure - don't do it.

[RainDown]

Well, yes... I can have sex with whomever I want as long as it's legal and consensual.

 

I don't need anyone's permission. Her husband is an adult capable of making his own choices. I don't feel responsible to his wife, not at all. I am only responsible to those I made vows to.

 

Sure it would be nice to know the truth. And I can understand how a BS would want to know the truth, at any cost, including from TOW. I did, too! But if you can't get it from your husband, doesn't that alone tell you everything you need to know about where your marriage stands?

 

For some people it does, yes. Others need to see all the puzzle pieces - including the pieces from the OW - in order to make some sense of the entire picture. They need the pieces from their own side, from their spouse's side, and from the OW's side in order to fully understand and come to grips with the situation. Other BWs aren't interested in anything the OW has to say.

 

There is really no right or wrong answer for everyone. People are different and they all need to process things in their own way. One can choose to assist another in their journey of discovery and learning, or not. While I don't necessarily think the OW "owes" the BW anything, I think it's a humane gesture to hand her the pieces of the puzzle if she asks for them.

[RainDown]

There might be a grain of truth in this compartmentalization theory. I do tend to view people as individuals, and not somebody's property. Perhaps it's a cultural difference- I am European.

 

I do still believe that OWs exposing APs or forcing APs to come clean to their spouse is nothing but an act of revenge, regardless of how it's being rationalized and explained away.

 

To the lurking OWs contemplating exposure - don't do it.

 

I tend to agree with you there. If there was an altruistic motive afoot, OW would have told BW what a piece of sh*t her husband is the first time MM propositioned her for an affair, instead of exposing only after the affair didn't go the way OW wanted it to.

[gettingstronger]

I am a BS- our OW exposed (although she did in anon)- I believe she was trying to force my husbands hand (or mine) one way or another-not sure why as both admit the agreement was that it was nothing more than an affair and he never said he would leave-she even told him she was happy with the arrangement just days before-

 

We have since learned she was cyber stalking me- she was on my FB under a fake name, a member of online professional networks I am a member of (thats where the negative comments on my work came from) even signed up for email updates from my kids high school football team-

 

I think for her, the final straw came during our annual 2 week visit to our mountain house-its a no contact time- so I think she was stalking my FB page and saw all the pictures of us skiing and being us- I think it pushed her over the edge and it was kind of like- they can not be happy, she just couldn't allow that-

 

The crazy thing is, according to my husband she showed zero signs of being envious or unhappy- however, as a woman, when he has told me of some of their conversations, I saw red flags every place-

 

Yes, I am the one whose OW still intrudes over 2 years later- just goes to show you, you have no idea what you are up against, if I wasn't living this, I would never believe it was true-

 

Oh, but yes- in the end- I am still glad I found out- and my husband is glad his hand was forced because it made him face the reality of what he was doing-

[RainDown]

I am a BS- our OW exposed (although she did in anon)- I believe she was trying to force my husbands hand (or mine) one way or another-not sure why as both admit the agreement was that it was nothing more than an affair and he never said he would leave-she even told him she was happy with the arrangement just days before-

 

We have since learned she was cyber stalking me- she was on my FB under a fake name, a member of online professional networks I am a member of (thats where the negative comments on my work came from) even signed up for email updates from my kids high school football team-

 

I think for her, the final straw came during our annual 2 week visit to our mountain house-its a no contact time- so I think she was stalking my FB page and saw all the pictures of us skiing and being us- I think it pushed her over the edge and it was kind of like- they can not be happy, she just couldn't allow that-

 

The crazy thing is, according to my husband she showed zero signs of being envious or unhappy- however, as a woman, when he has told me of some of their conversations, I saw red flags every place-

 

Yes, I am the one whose OW still intrudes over 2 years later- just goes to show you, you have no idea what you are up against, if I wasn't living this, I would never believe it was true-

 

Oh, but yes- in the end- I am still glad I found out- and my husband is glad his hand was forced because it made him face the reality of what he was doing-

 

I think you are right. I think it would push any OW over the edge if she took the opportunity to become a fly on the wall and observe MMs real life first hand. Why your husband's OW would put herself through that I do not know. I'm sure it didn't help her state of mind to run headlong into reality like that. On purpose.

[gettingstronger]

I think you are right. I think it would push any OW over the edge if she took the opportunity to become a fly on the wall and observe MMs real life first hand. Why your husband's OW would put herself through that I do not know. I'm sure it didn't help her state of mind to run headlong into reality like that. On purpose.

 

 

 

I am unsure why anyone for any reason would try to compete with the public persona of anyone else-its just not healthy- although everything I post on FB is true, its not the whole story- it doesn't show the messy house, the hours of running the boys in different directions (when they could not drive), the speeding tickets (when they could drive), the mountains of laundry- point being, no ones life is any more glamorous than anyone elses- we all have "stuff" thats not so sexy and fun-

 

I guess its harder for me to understand because I am not a competitive person- I have never been one to look at someones new car and think, oh, its nicer than mine-I just don't operate like that-

[NewLeaf512]

Semantics. He only told because you forced his hand. And in other posts you sound a bit miffed he beat you to the punch.

 

Can't play both sides of the fence.

 

Sassy Girl. I actually wasn't miffed I was dreading it. As for being on both sides of the fence, that is an idea for me to ponder. I have a question just for clarity: If you were the OW and were trying to break it off, telling him to stop contacting you (and you didn't know about NC yet) and he was texting 30 times in one day plus emails and facetime, what could I have done besides what I did? I see your point, I want to learn as much about myself and WTHeck I even ever did this. I know I will never ever do it again. I have no idea what he told her, it probably wasn't the truth but that isn't my issue to solve it's theirs. Thank you for your insightful comment.

[NewLeaf512]

I don't believe in exposure unless something extreme occurs such as an std, abuse or possibly a pregnancy.

 

Just as BS state there are crazy OW out there (and there are), BS can be crazy as well. I would hate to have a BS pull a Betty Broderick.

 

I received a call from my guy's daughter and his ex wife. I referred them back to him.

 

 

 

maybe all of us OW are a little bit crazy for getting involved with an AP in the first place

[goodyblue]

maybe all of us OW are a little bit crazy for getting involved with an AP in the first place

 

Hell, everyone is a little crazy, affair or not.

[Sassy Girl]

Sassy Girl. I actually wasn't miffed I was dreading it. As for being on both sides of the fence, that is an idea for me to ponder. I have a question just for clarity: If you were the OW and were trying to break it off, telling him to stop contacting you (and you didn't know about NC yet) and he was texting 30 times in one day plus emails and facetime, what could I have done besides what I did? I see your point, I want to learn as much about myself and WTHeck I even ever did this. I know I will never ever do it again. I have no idea what he told her, it probably wasn't the truth but that isn't my issue to solve it's theirs. Thank you for your insightful comment.

 

I was the OW. My MM and I had an agreement right from the beginning and we both honoured it, so it never came to all this drama. We didn't do drama.

 

What would I have done? Block him every way possible and if he still continues I'd threaten with going to the police/ filing an restraining order.

 

What you did was out of anger and vengeance. If you really felt empathy for the wife you would not have engaged in an affair after you learnt he was not separated. While it worked for you you were his accomplice. That's when you lost any moral high ground and own a part of the damage you have both inflicted on his wife. Once you realised you weren't getting what you wanted you weilded your power over him and tried to take some control back. But it came at a cost. You might have hurt him, but let's be honest, you didn't care about the wife or her feelings. You just wanted to make him pay.

 

If you really believed she deserved to know, why didn't you tell her as soon as you knew she was being betrayed instead of having sex with her husband again and again?