If You are the OW & Expose

[AnotherSadSong]

I can understand how hurt and pain could cause some to react this way. The MM broke his agreement with his wife. I do not see why a reverse decision of the OW is any worse. Why is her agreement more iron clad and important?

[TerraIncognita]

I don't buy the whole "didn't know about nc" stand, quite honestly. It's common sense to block all means of contact, every smartphone has that feature.

 

Totally agree with Sassy girl. Telling the wife is ALWAYS about revenge, no matter what spin people try to put on it.

[TerraIncognita]

I can understand how hurt and pain could cause some to react this way. The MM broke his agreement with his wife. I do not see why a reverse decision of the OW is any worse. Why is her agreement more iron clad and important?

 

If there is a shred of integrity and decency left, you simply don't want to hurt somebody deliberately. If you are so he'll-bent on revenge, find a way to get back at him, without hurting his family.

 

Ultimately, the best revenge is being happy, without him. Channel your energy to yourself, your healing and moving on.

[AnotherSadSong]

If there is a shred of integrity and decency left, you simply don't want to hurt somebody deliberately. If you are so he'll-bent on revenge, find a way to get back at him, without hurting his family.

 

Ultimately, the best revenge is being happy, without him. Channel your energy to yourself, your healing and moving on.

 

 

 

I did not say it was right or wrong. I was giving another perspective. First off, the man should have had a shred of decency not to step out of his marriage. If he didn't then there would be no worries of any falling out. These men have no decency most of the time. If they did then they would handle their affairs better and manage them with care and consideration all around, then maybe all would be well and good.

 

 

People handle emotion and conflict differently. I feel revenge will only make you feel worse. I think for some they feel better.

[TerraIncognita]

I did not say it was right or wrong. I was giving another perspective. First off, the man should have had a shred of decency not to step out of his marriage. If he didn't then there would be no worries of any falling out. These men have no decency most of the time. If they did then they would handle their affairs better and manage them with care and consideration all around, then maybe all would be well and good.

 

 

People handle emotion and conflict differently. I feel revenge will only make you feel worse. I think for some they feel better.

 

I don't think it's right to use mm's level of decency as a benchmark for yours. But YMMV.

[AnotherSadSong]

I don't think it's right to use mm's level of decency as a benchmark for yours. But YMMV.

 

I haven't.

[NewLeaf512]

I was the OW. My MM and I had an agreement right from the beginning and we both honoured it, so it never came to all this drama. We didn't do drama.

 

What would I have done? Block him every way possible and if he still continues I'd threaten with going to the police/ filing an restraining order.

 

What you did was out of anger and vengeance. If you really felt empathy for the wife you would not have engaged in an affair after you learnt he was not separated. While it worked for you you were his accomplice. That's when you lost any moral high ground and own a part of the damage you have both inflicted on his wife. Once you realised you weren't getting what you wanted you weilded your power over him and tried to take some control back. But it came at a cost. You might have hurt him, but let's be honest, you didn't care about the wife or her feelings. You just wanted to make him pay.

 

If you really believed she deserved to know, why didn't you tell her as soon as you knew she was being betrayed instead of having sex with her husband again and again?[/quote

 

Thanks for your response, it helps clarify for me . I threatened to tell her if he didn't stop its true. I don't know if you read any of my other posts but I live in Europe and he lives in America and I physically haven't seen him in going on 2 years so in actual fact I never had sex with him once it was revealed he was married. We did engage in the exchange of saucy emails which i consider cheating as well. I absolutely understand that in an accountable position here and don't suggest otherwise. I don't see how any OW could take the moral high ground on anything we are all cheaters.

 

To be honest it didn't occur to me to go to the police as we live on different. I was getting what I thought I wanted which was him getting a divorce, which was filed 3 weeks ago. I

 

You seem very upset ithe topic making you angery or is your hostility at Mr particularly to me ? Thank you

[NewLeaf512]

I was the OW. My MM and I had an agreement right from the beginning and we both honoured it, so it never came to all this drama. We didn't do drama.

 

What would I have done? Block him every way possible and if he still continues I'd threaten with going to the police/ filing an restraining order.

 

What you did was out of anger and vengeance. If you really felt empathy for the wife you would not have engaged in an affair after you learnt he was not separated. While it worked for you you were his accomplice. That's when you lost any moral high ground and own a part of the damage you have both inflicted on his wife. Once you realised you weren't getting what you wanted you weilded your power over him and tried to take some control back. But it came at a cost. You might have hurt him, but let's be honest, you didn't care about the wife or her feelings. You just wanted to make him pay.

 

If you really believed she deserved to know, why didn't you tell her as soon as you knew she was being betrayed instead of having sex with her husband again and again?[/quote

 

Thanks for your response, it helps clarify for me . I threatened to tell her if he didn't stop its true. I don't know if you read any of my other posts but I live in Europe and he lives in America and I physically haven't seen him in going on 2 years so in actual fact I never had sex with him once it was revealed he was married. We did engage in the exchange of saucy emails which i consider cheating as well. I absolutely understand that in an accountable position here and don't suggest otherwise. I don't see how any OW could take the moral high ground on anything we are all cheaters.

 

To be honest it didn't occur to me to go to the police as we live on different. Continents. I was getting what I thought I wanted which was him getting a divorce, which was filed 3 weeks ago. I didn't want to be a cheater liar any more. And to the person who said they don't believe I didn't know about NC it doesn't matter to me if you believe it or not it's true. I was only with one other man before this my husband if 14 years who killed himself. So not really dating experience to rely on.

 

You seem very upset ithe topic making you angery or is your hostility at Mr particularly to me ? Thank you

[AnotherSadSong]

I was the OW. My MM and I had an agreement right from the beginning and we both honoured it, so it never came to all this drama. We didn't do drama.

 

What would I have done? Block him every way possible and if he still continues I'd threaten with going to the police/ filing an restraining order.

 

What you did was out of anger and vengeance. If you really felt empathy for the wife you would not have engaged in an affair after you learnt he was not separated. While it worked for you you were his accomplice. That's when you lost any moral high ground and own a part of the damage you have both inflicted on his wife. Once you realised you weren't getting what you wanted you weilded your power over him and tried to take some control back. But it came at a cost. You might have hurt him, but let's be honest, you didn't care about the wife or her feelings. You just wanted to make him pay.

 

If you really believed she deserved to know, why didn't you tell her as soon as you knew she was being betrayed instead of having sex with her husband again and again?[/quote

 

Thanks for your response, it helps clarify for me . I threatened to tell her if he didn't stop its true. I don't know if you read any of my other posts but I live in Europe and he lives in America and I physically haven't seen him in going on 2 years so in actual fact I never had sex with him once it was revealed he was married. We did engage in the exchange of saucy emails which i consider cheating as well. I absolutely understand that in an accountable position here and don't suggest otherwise. I don't see how any OW could take the moral high ground on anything we are all cheaters.

 

To be honest it didn't occur to me to go to the police as we live on different. Continents. I was getting what I thought I wanted which was him getting a divorce, which was filed 3 weeks ago. I didn't want to be a cheater liar any more. And to the person who said they don't believe I didn't know about NC it doesn't matter to me if you believe it or not it's true. I was only with one other man before this my husband if 14 years who killed himself. So not really dating experience to rely on.

 

You seem very upset ithe topic making you angery or is your hostility at Mr particularly to me ? Thank you

 

 

 

I could understand NC not being well known in many parts of Europe. I am sorry you had to go through the travesty of losing your husband to suicide. Life is so rough. He filed and then didn't, promised and misled.

[Sassy Girl]

I was the OW. My MM and I had an agreement right from the beginning and we both honoured it, so it never came to all this drama. We didn't do drama.

 

What would I have done? Block him every way possible and if he still continues I'd threaten with going to the police/ filing an restraining order.

 

What you did was out of anger and vengeance. If you really felt empathy for the wife you would not have engaged in an affair after you learnt he was not separated. While it worked for you you were his accomplice. That's when you lost any moral high ground and own a part of the damage you have both inflicted on his wife. Once you realised you weren't getting what you wanted you weilded your power over him and tried to take some control back. But it came at a cost. You might have hurt him, but let's be honest, you didn't care about the wife or her feelings. You just wanted to make him pay.

 

If you really believed she deserved to know, why didn't you tell her as soon as you knew she was being betrayed instead of having sex with her husband again and again?[/quote

 

Thanks for your response, it helps clarify for me . I threatened to tell her if he didn't stop its true. I don't know if you read any of my other posts but I live in Europe and he lives in America and I physically haven't seen him in going on 2 years so in actual fact I never had sex with him once it was revealed he was married. We did engage in the exchange of saucy emails which i consider cheating as well. I absolutely understand that in an accountable position here and don't suggest otherwise. I don't see how any OW could take the moral high ground on anything we are all cheaters.

 

To be honest it didn't occur to me to go to the police as we live on different. Continents. I was getting what I thought I wanted which was him getting a divorce, which was filed 3 weeks ago. I didn't want to be a cheater liar any more. And to the person who said they don't believe I didn't know about NC it doesn't matter to me if you believe it or not it's true. I was only with one other man before this my husband if 14 years who killed himself. So not really dating experience to rely on.

 

You seem very upset ithe topic making you angery or is your hostility at Mr particularly to me ? Thank you

 

My communication style is direct, not hostile. There is a difference. I have no feelings towards you, angrr or otherwise.

[CrystalCastles]

I'm not sure how people can presume on this thread to talk about the BS's feelings when the affair is exposed. Sure, the BS would be upset about the affair, but there are many BS who would be grateful they were told, so that they can make the choice to be with the AP or not. An informed choice.

 

All BS I have known were glad they were told. If I was a BS, I would be glad also. It wouldn't matter to me if the OW did it because she was mad or she wanted revenge. The point is, I would know that my husband is a cheating whore. I would be free to dump him or reconcile, otherwise if I am kept in the dark, I'm living a lie. My life would be a lie. That is more cruel to a BS, IMO, than telling the truth (whatever the motive is).

 

Its not the truth that would upset a BS. It is the affair. If an OW is soooooo afraid of hurting the BS, then why the hell did she bump uglies with the BS's husband? She didn't seem to have any concern for the BS when she was riding the BS's husband's dick, yet when it comes time to 'fess up and face the music, all of a sudden the BS's feelings matter? What a laugh.

[NewLeaf512]

 

My communication style is direct, not hostile. There is a difference. I have no feelings towards you, angrr or otherwise.

 

I respectfully disagree, I'm between blunt and aggressive and certainly presumptive. I do appreciate all viewpoints because they offer information and tools for self reflection even if the lesson reveals something less than savoury about ourselves we need to fix. However the wisdom buried in your response almost gets lost in the tone and your assumption that I was humping away like a rabbit when nothing could be further from the truth and nearly 8,000 miles away seems at best a wildly off the mark comment to at worst attacking comments dripping with hostility. Thank you.

[Sassy Girl]

 

I respectfully disagree, I'm between blunt and aggressive and certainly presumptive. I do appreciate all viewpoints because they offer information and tools for self reflection even if the lesson reveals something less than savoury about ourselves we need to fix. However the wisdom buried in your response almost gets lost in the tone and your assumption that I was humping away like a rabbit when nothing could be further from the truth and nearly 8,000 miles away seems at best a wildly off the mark comment to at worst attacking comments dripping with hostility. Thank you.

 

We can argue this till we are blue in the face, if you'd like. It will get us exactly nowhere. I know my intent. Your focus on my tone is quite good at deflecting the real issue, which I have stated twice now. Sex or no sex - once you knew he was separated why didn't you end he relationship there and inform his wife? why continue the relationship? At the end of the day it doesn't matter to any of us. But I think you're lying to yourself if you truly believe that your intent behind your threa was to do the "right thing" .

[gettingstronger]

 

We can argue this till we are blue in the face, if you'd like. It will get us exactly nowhere. I know my intent. Your focus on my tone is quite good at deflecting the real issue, which I have stated twice now. Sex or no sex - once you knew he was separated why didn't you end he relationship there and inform his wife? why continue the relationship? At the end of the day it doesn't matter to any of us. But I think you're lying to yourself if you truly believe that your intent behind your threa was to do the "right thing" .

 

 

 

I have to say I agree with this- seems people have an aha moment when they are either being treated poorly or not getting what they want- I suppose its normal and I am sure I have done that in other situations in my life-

 

I believe that exposure is good- I am glad I know regardless of the motive behind it- what I do not agree with is- in our case our OW rolled the dice for whatever reason and did not get the outcome she wanted, she started this mess with disclosure and should be woman enough to now walk away- take your bat and ball and go home- game over, she played her cards- I don't get it-

[NewLeaf512]

 

We can argue this till we are blue in the face, if you'd like. It will get us exactly nowhere. I know my intent. Your focus on my tone is quite good at deflecting the real issue, which I have stated twice now. Sex or no sex - once you knew he was separated why didn't you end he relationship there and inform his wife? why continue the relationship? At the end of the day it doesn't matter to any of us. But I think you're lying to yourself if you truly believe that your intent behind your threa was to do the "right thing" .

 

 

 

You are right that is the question. why the heck did I continue? Why didn't I end it? I am asking myself the questions over and over and seeing a therapist to understand why I would do that. I'm not deflecting your question in the slightest. And to your assertion that I am lying to myself about my true intention, at my session today we explored this very question for 55 minutes. What we decided was this: In my extremely emotive state of wanting to have AP stop contacting me and AP continuing it, (over 100 texts and calls in that day before 2pm local time) I threw out the threat selfishly without considering anyone else, the implications it might have on anyone else in an effort to get AP to stop. That was wrong! My other selfish thought without considering anyone else was that I felt so dirty, so awful, that I thought doing it would somehow "clean" some of the dirt I created off and also (stupidly) think I would be letting her have facts. So really, my intentions ere not about being vengeful, but just being a flipping selfish person with no regard for thinking about consequences which may be equally bad.

 

 

I'm certainly not here to argue with you or anyone else. I came here to gather my thoughts, try to understand why I would do something so destructive to so many people, and try to fix whatever is broken in me that I thought somehow this was ok. My intention to you is simply this, and take it or leave it, it's simply the opinion of a cheating OW just like probably most OW who really want to fix what is broken in them and seek understanding and really feel terribly, is that you really thought provoking thoughts that could lead to self-reflection masked in a seemingly hostile delivery dilutes the message and makes one wonder if you are here to chastise, help, or just berate. Thanks for your thoughts.

[NewLeaf512]

 

 

 

I have to say I agree with this- seems people have an aha moment when they are either being treated poorly or not getting what they want- I suppose its normal and I am sure I have done that in other situations in my life-

 

I believe that exposure is good- I am glad I know regardless of the motive behind it- what I do not agree with is- in our case our OW rolled the dice for whatever reason and did not get the outcome she wanted, she started this mess with disclosure and should be woman enough to now walk away- take your bat and ball and go home- game over, she played her cards- I don't get it-

 

 

I'm confused with this post. I am not pining after AP. I threatened to try to get him to obsessively stop contacting me, I was walking away. He stopped contacting me. So I did get what I wanted, (at a great expense to BW which I selfishly didn't bother to consider) I have taken my bat and ball and gone home.

 

 

If this forum isn't for OW / OM to scrutinise their behaviour and discuss it to bring about greater understanding, what is it for? who is meant to be here?

 

 

Is it merely for strangers to pass judgement on what I know was completely atrocious behaviour and make sarcastic or in some cases hostile comments wide of the mark to make OW feel worse? I don't get it.

[RoseVille]

I respectfully disagree, I'm between blunt and aggressive and certainly presumptive. I do appreciate all viewpoints because they offer information and tools for self reflection even if the lesson reveals something less than savoury about ourselves we need to fix. However the wisdom buried in your response almost gets lost in the tone and your assumption that I was humping away like a rabbit when nothing could be further from the truth and nearly 8,000 miles away seems at best a wildly off the mark comment to at worst attacking comments dripping with hostility. Thank you.

 

Agreed, wholeheartedly, and it's an ongoing, and unfortunate pattern that simply does not help. Thankfully, you're only dealing with one poster who has that tone. The Ignore feature works wonders.

[RoseVille]

My intention to you is simply this, and take it or leave it, it's simply the opinion of a cheating OW just like probably most OW who really want to fix what is broken in them and seek understanding and really feel terribly, is that your really thought provoking thoughts that could lead to self-reflection masked in a seemingly hostile delivery dilutes the message and makes one wonder if you are here to chastise, help, or just berate.

 

I've said the same thing many, many times. A chastising, hostile tone often does the message a great disservice. It's all about delivery. Some people learn when they hear the same thing over and over again, and learn to present their ideas in a more constructive way such that the reader won't immediately reject their message, some do not. It's like yelling versus speaking; you could be making the same point ("This isn't healthy for you"), but when someone's yelling at you, all you can think of is, "Jeez, why are you yelling at me!", whereas when someone is speaking kindly, you can't help but think, "Hmm, this person cares, let me think about what they have to say.

 

Thankfully, there are plenty of voices here, and the same message is usually delivered by many other, more tactful posters in a way that you can receive it and not feel attacked and berated, so I (and you) can still get the benefit of the point being made.

[gettingstronger]

Sorry I was not clear- I answered one question and then veered off in to an example of our OW- my whole point, which of course got lost was- exposure for whatever reason is a good thing BUT if you expose you should be willing to take what comes next- sounds you have- I actually support your exposing and I don't think it matters why you did it, except of course to you because you examining the why helps you and that is important-

 

The fact you exposed helps the BS and the MM- in ways they may not see now, but will eventually-

 

Does that help clarify my messy post? Sometimes I forget new posters don't know my whole story-

[NewLeaf512]

Agreed, wholeheartedly, and it's an ongoing, and unfortunate pattern that simply does not help. Thankfully, you're only dealing with one poster who has that tone. The Ignore feature works wonders.

 

 

 

I don't know about the ignore function, I may use it at some point, but at this moment I think I'd like to hear everyone's thoughts good or bad, with the objective of really looking at me and saying WTF you selfish idiot! and fixing me. The head scratcher for me (and I see people pondering on other's motivations often) is why deliver a thought, insight, or comment wrapped in a bomb? Civility costs naught, and I am wondering what the motivation could be for doing this.

[RainDown]

 

We can argue this till we are blue in the face, if you'd like. It will get us exactly nowhere. I know my intent. Your focus on my tone is quite good at deflecting the real issue, which I have stated twice now. Sex or no sex - once you knew he was separated why didn't you end he relationship there and inform his wife? why continue the relationship? At the end of the day it doesn't matter to any of us. But I think you're lying to yourself if you truly believe that your intent behind your threa was to do the "right thing" .

 

Well, you knowing your intent is half the battle. The whole point of communication, however, is for the recipient to know and understand your intent. Elsewise, it's just a one-sided lecture without caring one whit how or whether your message is received properly.

 

Two-way street and such.

[NewLeaf512]

Sorry I was not clear- I answered one question and then veered off in to an example of our OW- my whole point, which of course got lost was- exposure for whatever reason is a good thing BUT if you expose you should be willing to take what comes next- sounds you have- I actually support your exposing and I don't think it matters why you did it, except of course to you because you examining the why helps you and that is important-

 

The fact you exposed helps the BS and the MM- in ways they may not see now, but will eventually-

 

Does that help clarify my messy post? Sometimes I forget new posters don't know my whole story-

 

 

Thanks for clarifying. I don't know your story but I will happily listen or read to gain understanding. I don't think you read my story either but for clarification, I selfishly threw a clanger threatening to expose, AP freaked, ran home and did it himself. As he is a liar, he probably didn't tell the complete truth, but that isn't my issue. My issue is to examine my behaviour and fix my personal defects. I know FOR A FACT I will never be OW ever again. My aim is to understand why I did it in the first place and how I could allow myself to be so callous and hurtful to BW by my participation in the A. I don't want to ever be that person who has no regard for another person to serve whatever selfish need I had again. Thanks for your response

[RainDown]

I don't know about the ignore function, I may use it at some point, but at this moment I think I'd like to hear everyone's thoughts good or bad, with the objective of really looking at me and saying WTF you selfish idiot! and fixing me. The head scratcher for me (and I see people pondering on other's motivations often) is why deliver a thought, insight, or comment wrapped in a bomb? Civility costs naught, and I am wondering what the motivation could be for doing this.

 

I wouldn't worry about it. Understanding the motivation for a stranger's communication style won't get you closer to understanding yourself, your own motives, and your own behavior. It's just a distraction to your goals.

 

Take what's helpful and don't run down the rabbit hole of someone else's agenda.

[AnotherSadSong]

New Leaf cut off the supply. If you continue to feed it, it grows bigger and bigger. It is only going to hurt you because you are here asking for help. How are you doing?

[gettingstronger]

I did read your story, but then got totally side tracked in the expose vs don't expose posts that followed and forgot that it was a threat, etc..

 

I feel like infidelity has two possible outcomes (probably more if you break it down to bits and pieces) for those involved

 

1. people that really feel badly about themselves for being involved in it, that learn and grow from it and look back like WTF was I thinking

 

2. people that just don't let go and continue to damage themselves and those around them but either justifying or trying to change the outcome of the end of the affair

 

I think both roads are painful, but those that choose option 1 are better off in the long run- I would guess that the two options intertwine quite a bit as we are all human- for me as a BS, I do tend to veer off my path of reconciliation and personal growth from time to time, but my goal to stay on the right path remains intact- as they say- I am a work in progress-