Now what do I do?

[Clueless53]

I've posted a lot on here in the last few weeks, please feel free to look a my previous posts if you need more info.

 

I told my wife I will give her a divorce today. She says she doesn't know if she wants me or not. After one month of us being separated I felt like I was stuck in limbo waiting for her to make a decision I couldn't take it anymore and told her I want a divorce.

 

I read this article today, it seriously seems like everything that they right about my wife is going through. My wife is having a midlife crisis at the age of 32. Now what?

 

Is a midlife crisis destroying your marriage? - Good Psychology. Net Ilze Neethling

 

Do I hold my ground and get a divorce?

Do I ask her to get help?

We love eachother but should I still walk away?

Anyone else gone through this?

 

We have done MC but the focus is always on me, she needs to address her.

[Satu]

If she's not sure that she wants you, she doesn't want you.

 

Having followed your other threads, I think you'd be better off without her.

 

Living with her ambivalence will just make you unhappy.

 

Divorce is the better option.

[Clueless53]

I'm moving on with divorce, I'm tried of the way I'm feeling. It's just ackward because the love is still there between us.

 

I love her, I want her to be happy even if it's without me. But I know if she doesn't get help she won't be happy.

[Satu]

I'm moving on with divorce, I'm tried of the way I'm feeling. It's just ackward because the love is still there between us.

 

I love her, I want her to be happy even if it's without me. But I know if she doesn't get help she won't be happy.

 

Focus on yourself and your own happiness.

 

She'll do whatever she wants to do, regardless of whatever you think she should do.

[d0nnivain]

If you have done MC but the focus was always on you, did you try point blank saying, these are the issues with her? It's lovely that you are trying to change but she has to change too. Both of you are in this marriage (at least at the present moment)

[Mrin]

Cool dude. That's the right call. It puts her on notice. It is the right more.

[Clueless53]

MC for us was a waste of time and effort. The focus was on me, what I didn't do, what I did do, what I "need" to do. When I would bring up her actions she would say they were because of mine.

 

Bottom line, she has a lot of stuff she needs to work on for her, regardless of our situation. She had a terrible past (years of abuse at a very young age), she has abandonment issues (her dad left when she was 3 weeks old, had nothing to do with her growing up. A few years ago she met him for the first time and they started to have a relationship but after a year he disappeared again)

 

I'm a fixer, that's my personality. I love her and I want her to be OK regardless of her being with me or not. I'm a paramedic I care for and fix people. But the one I love more then anything else in this world won't let me help her.

 

She hides from her problems. She ignores them and pretends they don't exist. This is what she has done her entire life. I'm affraid she will never be happy if she doesn't address her issues.

 

This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do I love my wife, I know she loves me, but I have to divorce her.

 

I want to wait for her, I want to give her time to decide she wants me, but that's not fair to me.

 

I'm afraid that if I don't wait she will want me back.

 

I'm afraid if I move on I will hurt her.

 

Love sucks! I have every reason to run away, but it's so damn hard.

 

I miss her so much!!!!!

[Chi townD]

Dude, go through with the divorce. Get a legal separation thing going and push forward with the divorce. A lot of times; when the final date is approaching, that's enough to give them a reality face smack. They wake up to what they are about to lose.

[notbroken]

I've been there/done that when a wife says she is not sure. I SO wish I would have told her "I am sure that I love you and that I don't want a divorce. However, I can't live with you not being sure you want to be married to me. I want someone that is sure. Because of that I am giving you one week to decide. If you strongly want to be married at the end of the week let's seek counselling and I am all in. If you question it at all then I am initiating divorce. Let me know Saturday". Then followed through.

 

Someone that is not sure is likely cheating by the way. They are torn between you and some fantasy that doesn't really even exist.

[Clueless53]

Someone that is not sure is likely cheating by the way. They are torn between you and some fantasy that doesn't really even exist.

 

There is no one else, although for a while I thought that was what it was.

 

Three weeks into our separation I asked if there was someone else. She said she was asked on a date but declined. I found out they were talking all day every day and even meet up 3 times in one week.

 

I confronted her about it last week, she said they went out but we're just friends. She said she isn't attracted to him and he has no effect on our marriage. I told her she was full of **** and that he has everything to do with it if she can't decide if she wants to be married to me her choices should be between me or alone, not a third option. I walked away.

 

A few days later we talked and she agreed to give us a real chance. She stopped talking to him but still didn't talk to me. When we were together there was a lot of tension and I felt like I didn't belong. I told her being around her makes me feel like the ex boyfriend she wants to stay friends with.

 

I told her today (before this thread was started) that u can't wait anymore for her. I have to move on.

 

I want a divorce. I asked her to meet with me tonight to discuss the specifics of our divorce. I don't want to make this a dirty divorce I just want to move on. I can't wait for her anymore.

[Clueless53]

I've been there/done that when a wife says she is not sure. I SO wish I would have told her "I am sure that I love you and that I don't want a divorce. However, I can't live with you not being sure you want to be married to me. I want someone that is sure. Because of that I am giving you one week to decide. If you strongly want to be married at the end of the week let's seek counselling and I am all in. If you question it at all then I am initiating divorce. Let me know Saturday". Then followed through.

 

You said you wish that was what you did, so if you don't mind me asking, what did you say/do and what was the outcome?

[KBarletta]

I've posted a lot on here in the last few weeks, please feel free to look a my previous posts if you need more info.

 

I told my wife I will give her a divorce today. She says she doesn't know if she wants me or not. After one month of us being separated I felt like I was stuck in limbo waiting for her to make a decision I couldn't take it anymore and told her I want a divorce.

 

I read this article today, it seriously seems like everything that they right about my wife is going through. My wife is having a midlife crisis at the age of 32. Now what?

 

Is a midlife crisis destroying your marriage? - Good Psychology. Net*Ilze Neethling

 

Do I hold my ground and get a divorce?

Do I ask her to get help?

We love eachother but should I still walk away?

Anyone else gone through this?

 

We have done MC but the focus is always on me, she needs to address her.

 

 

Clueless, the article posted describes what my STBX has communicated, to a tee. It's uncanny how so many people seem to be experiencing the same things at the same time (my STBX wife is 38).

 

I have had D papers drawn up and intend to file them shortly. I would rather be alone than be with someone who doesn't want me (or isn't sure) after 10 years together. I still love my wife and I miss her terribly, but I personally think that I am a good person, I think I was a good husband and if my wife doesn't want to be with me, that is her loss (now and in the future).

 

I admit, it took me time (maybe six months) to get around to that conclusion, after a lot of angst, and soul searching and pain. But I don't want to be with someone unless they are 100 percent with me. Period. I would echo several of the posters above and encourage you to initiate the D, tell your wife your plans and move forward with them. Whatever happens next is on her.

 

I wish you luck.

[Mr. Lucky]

It's just ackward because the love is still there between us.

 

I think you're confusing love with having a history together and an attachment to that.

 

That's very different than having a future together ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Majormisstep]

Clueless, don't wait. I "waited" for stbxh for 1.5 years during our separation. Had suspicions he was seeing someone else...and yup, he was. What a waste of time and torment. I should have filed a year ago. Anyway, onwards and upwards. Delaying the inevitable will only prolong your healing. She may come to her senses and want to reconcile, but please don't wait it out for that what-if.

 

There isn't much you need to discuss with her. The lawyers or mediators can do that for you. Or is this merely a scare tactic? Take care during this tough time.

[Clueless53]

This is kind of a scare tactic but also what I need to do.

 

I don't think we need to go with lawyersomeone and make this messy. Honestly we don't have much.

 

I've been a full time student for the last year and a half so all of our 401k and any other retirement accounts have been emptied. All we have are belongings which I don't care for most anyway.

 

I just want to move on. I'm tired of being in limbo and waiting for a decision.

[starglider]

I'll be the voice of dissent and tell you that if you still love her and if she is still unsure, try to hang in there longer, and really try to get her to start IC.

 

Even if there is no OM, it sounds like from the texting that she still has the fantasy of the OM or the grass is greener syndrome and this is connected to the MLC. It is so important that she goes NC with this guy and doesn't confide in him about your M problems. Once she is NC for 2 or 3 months, then the next step will be more clear, I believe.

 

Yes you deserve clarity and better treatment than this for sure! Her behavior is not fair to you at all. But if you can consider it as a mental illness she is going through, do your 180 and hang in there a bit longer, you may find yourself with a better marriage in the end.

 

I need to find the source, but I've read there is a huge percentage of people that divorced during the Mid Life Crisis years that, 5 years after divorce, wished that had stuck it out and remained married.