Is this just too ridiculous to fix?

[lollipopspot]

I get every other weekend.

 

Is that a court order? What's the rationale for so little time?

[farmtomarket]

We decided it was most consistent for our son since I worked so much and my ex worked from home. I tried 50/50 and I got a nanny for the times I was working. Our son preferred his dad over a nanny. So I agreed.

[newlywedder]

I'd stay civil because of your son but you should not pursue a relationship with your ex. He sounds bipolar, like others have said, so not in the right state of mind for any relationship. He needs therapy if anything, not you.

[OldRover]

Farm,

 

Wow, you have a complicated situation... not sure what's best, but there are some clear choices.

 

First, the relationship you have with your new BF (fiancé) sure sounds weak. You started fast and doesn't sound like you've had enough time (one year) to consider marriage with him and he already comes with some major problems, and he will probably be a barrier with your son. I'd consider putting him out of your life.

 

if you still love (or have strong feelings) toward your ex husband, I'd sure consider regrouping and giving that first priority. PEOPLE DO, AND CAN CHANGE. That will be a huge effort for your husband (and you'll have some issues, too), but with the proper program and counseling, it could work. There will be a LOT of apologies to make and will have to come from both and put the crap behind forever. Then you two will have to spend time on your son so that he develops a good image of you.

 

Your Ex will have to also make apologies to some of the people that he has damaged you with.

 

It's hard to explain why someone seems to go off the deep end and will try to cause a person the once loved as much damage as they possibly can. I went thru this, and got the damage controlled, mends were made and I got back together in a loving relationship (however, it didn't last forever like I thought it would. But just proves that people can do nastily things to control their hurt and pain, but still have a caring feeling deep inside.

 

If regrouping with the ex doesn't work, you'll be on your own to find someone that cares, and hopefully, if you take that move, you and your ex will have to be very careful not to hurt your son with this... that will be another challenge.

 

Best of luck in reconciling. Keep us posted.

[autumnnight]

Well it seems he and my ex seem to do much better without me in the picture. My ex works from home and my son has spent the weekdays there and I get every other weekend. He does terrific when I'm not in the picture. If I am in the picture... He either wants me to hang out with his dad. Or he doesn't want to be in my house... (Since it involves my fiancé).

 

This is why sometimes I feel it's best for him to just be with his dad. His dad has brainwashed him that I'm a cheating whore and as much as I do see his love for me ... I know he has been told to be an investigator. His dad literally tells him to take my phone and go through my texts to see what I'm saying to my fiancé and how often I'm talking to him.

 

This breaks my heart. And I would be willing to bet I know where a lot of this twisted parental alienation and overblown idea of cheating came from. I don't care what anyone says their motives are - anyone who advocates this kind of trashing of a child's mother....is disgusting. Period.

 

I really hope that you are able to get some help. And trust me, one of these days your son will grow up and mature...and he will KNOW who really cared for him and who used him as some punishing pawn.

[DKT3]

Listen, im not saying you had an affaid, but from the way you tell the story and how things played out it sure appears that you did. I mean you moved out, quit your job left your son behind and quickly moved in with another man out of town.

 

Here is the kicker, and something my ex wife found out very quickly, others can see an affair without you spouse broadcasting it. They believed him because it appears that way and not because he told him.

 

Even the fact that your staying with a guy that is clear to us here is no good for you or your relationship with your son, to me suggests you are s woman that gave up every thing to ne with him. Leaving now would say it was all for nothing.

 

One thing ive learned here is that stories told here are rarely if ever the "WHOLE" story. Honestly your feels like some major holes exist.

 

One other thing you keep saying your exH knows you didnt cheat, no he doesnt. How could he?

 

I agree with those who say you need to focus on the relationship with your son. Neither of these men seem ideal in building that relationship which is most important.

[oldshirt]

What would be best for your son would be to be spared from all the drama adults have brought into his life. Think about it - being forced to lie about what he does with you? Stuck in the middle of a contentious divorce with partners bad-mouthing each other - to him?

 

He needs some people acting like adults in his life, hopefully prioritizing him and his emotional heath before they queue up the next chapter in their love life...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

This ^^^^^^^

 

 

You are poor at picking mature, stable, emotionally healthy men who are capable of healthy supportive relationships.

The men you bring into your life and your son's life are detrimental to his security and well being.

 

For some reason you seem to think that an unhealthy and maladaptive relationship with an immature and unstable man is better than none at all.

 

You need to stop that.

 

Someone has to stand up and be a mature, stable adult here. Since the men in your life are counter productive to that goal, you will be better off without any of them and being that adult on your own. ......at least untill a time that you are stable and squared away enough that you are able to have a relationship with a stable, squared away man. Which realistically could be years.

 

In the mean time focus on providing your son with a stable, secure, loving environment that is free from all this drama, conflict and dysfunction.

 

Focus on fostering a respectful and cooperative coparenting relationship with your ex, but nothing more and don't imply that there ever will be anymore.

 

If you can achieve cooperating with him on matters pertaining directly with your son, that is a solid win.

 

Anything more will likely just end up bringing more chaos, conflict and dysfunction.

[oldshirt]

Probably because I feel incapable of standing in my own 2 feet and being on my own with a new business. I do love my fiancé. But the control...

 

I just don't know how to be on my own and really thrive. I've left a couple times and I always go back. I cave in.

 

Is moving in with any family members untill you get yourself straightened up a possibility?

 

( note I said "possible." I did not say convenient, easy, fun, enjoyable etc etc. I said is it possible?)

[farmtomarket]

All of my family lives out of state. I could afford to get an apartment with the clients I currently have generating income. But I must admit it's hard for me to see that life as an improvement on my current albeit controlled life. Although, I have not been causing or provoking any problems as of late. But that's about to change. Because my health benefits just ran out from my previous employer and my fiancé said he would take care of that. Turns out he'd have to marry me to get me on his plan. And while I'm not suggesting that..I see that he's backing away from that. He says oh so you think I'm just going to give you half of my life now???? He even mentioned the possibility of a pre-nup.

 

So now he also mentions me getting pregnant and is lax about birth control.

[oldshirt]

All of my family lives out of state. I could afford to get an apartment with the clients I currently have generating income. But I must admit it's hard for me to see that life as an improvement on my current albeit controlled life. Although, I have not been causing or provoking any problems as of late. But that's about to change. Because my health benefits just ran out from my previous employer and my fiancé said he would take care of that. Turns out he'd have to marry me to get me on his plan. And while I'm not suggesting that..I see that he's backing away from that. He says oh so you think I'm just going to give you half of my life now???? He even mentioned the possibility of a pre-nup.

 

So now he also mentions me getting pregnant and is lax about birth control.

 

 

Like I said earlier and as others have said, your Man-Picker is not very good and the men in your life are making things more complex, more difficult and worse, not better.

 

 

You and your son will be better off if you leave both of these men behind and take care of youself and your son on your own.

 

You may need some various forms of public assistance initially untill you get sturdy on your own two feet, but trying to get these men to take care of you is only going to make things worse.

 

They may make you feel good when the schmooze up to you at night when they are wanting to score a piece, but they aren't helping your situation at all and if your "fiance'" (your term for him, not mine) is scoffing at marrying and providing for you, and resents having to deal with your son, but yet is ok with banging you and possibly knocking you up, then he is a liability to your life and a liability to you providing a safe, nuturing environment for your son and is not an asset.

[sandylee1]

If he wants to get back together, I would petsonally insist that he goes to tell everyone he told those lies to the actual truth.

 

Even if he did that though, he said you committed fraud. Do you really want to be with a man this vengeful and nasty.

 

Actually, I just remembered bit about calling you a whore and telling your son you cheated. No way would I reconcile with a man like this but I would make him think I was going to get back with him, once he told friends, family and everyone else he lied.

 

He may have been suspicious of the timing, but without proof he shouldn't have trash talked about you. It was probably his male ego hurt.

 

I find men who do this nasty talking even worse than women.

 

What happens if you split up again and you move on? It's not unheard of for men with this level of jealousy to set you up and accuse you of all sorts.

 

Steer clear is my advice.

[Auspecial]

We decided it was most consistent for our son since I worked so much and my ex worked from home. I tried 50/50 and I got a nanny for the times I was working. Our son preferred his dad over a nanny. So I agreed.

 

It looks like you are trying to see to his best interests and not be selfish and I think that's a very strong trait as a parent. It is very difficult to do the hard thing and sacrifice things like this for the better of our kids.

 

I would keep working on yourself, and spend quality time with your son when you have him. Absolutely do not back down on those two weekends, the dad will use that against you and it will hurt our son.

 

Try not to make waves. Try to let the dad start focusing on something new, because there is NO news from you for him to obsess about.

 

Every time you have your son, create positive memories with him. Listen to him, encourage him, be the better person and don't talk about his dad. He will figure it out on his own in god time.

 

I wouldn't spend gobs of money, that is selling out as a parent. And inflaming an already unstable man. Not worth it in the long run.

[Auspecial]

If he wants to get back together, I would petsonally insist that he goes to tell everyone he told those lies to the actual truth.

 

Even if he did that though, he said you committed fraud. Do you really want to be with a man this vengeful and nasty.

 

Actually, I just remembered bit about calling you a whore and telling your son you cheated. No way would I reconcile with a man like this but I would make him think I was going to get back with him, once he told friends, family and everyone.

 

I hope she steers clear. Staying will compound an already bad situation. The bad events will keep coming. It will be bad for both herself and her son.

 

I think damage-control is key here.

 

But, if she does cave again (hope not OP!!!) I agree, she should make a condition that he tell everyone he was upset and spoke out of anger. He could do it in a letter or email if he is too chicken to do it in person.

[sandylee1]

 

So now he also mentions me getting pregnant and is lax about birth control.

 

I suggest YOU take FULL CONTROL of birth control.

At the end of the day , YOU will be left holding the baby. We all know a baby affects women so much more men.

 

Don't create a life with your controlling BF and marrying him would be a huge mistake.

[Tayla]

Listen, im not saying you had an affaid, but from the way you tell the story and how things played out it sure appears that you did. I mean you moved out, quit your job left your son behind and quickly moved in with another man out of town.

 

One thing ive learned here is that stories told here are rarely if ever the "WHOLE" story. Honestly your feels like some major holes exist.

 

One other thing you keep saying your exH knows you didnt cheat, no he doesnt. How could he?

 

Neither of these men seem ideal in building that relationship which is most important.

 

dkt3, rather observant perspective!

OP: Can you clarify the time frame from separation til court ordered dissolution? How long have you since been legally divorced? In my state there is Zero separation, you are either married or you are Divorced when the judge says. Its not a legal separation even if you leave... you are still married til the ink on the dissolution is final. So in my area, you'd be challenged with co habitating with a romantic interest during a legal marriage. aka: having a tryst.

I keep going back to how if the shoe was on the other foot, since more females are the stay at home parent, ( in this case your ex hubby was). How you disregarded all his parenting efforts or tried to be supportive. Not financially but as a parent and teaming. The child has bonded because HE was there. Where i stand firm is he does owe you an apology for his judgmental statements. He probably was very hurt when you rapidly left with another man. That just seems awfully convenient. Nonetheless, you are in therepy and will learn more coping skills. Be a parent and in due time hold your head up, we are each capable of change .

[OldRover]

i suggest you take full control of birth control.

At the end of the day , you will be left holding the baby. We all know a baby affects women so much more men.

 

Don't create a life with your controlling bf and marrying him would be a huge mistake.

 

absolutely... The last thing you need is a baby!!!!!

[Auspecial]

Is moving in with any family members untill you get yourself straightened up a possibility?

 

( note I said "possible." I did not say convenient, easy, fun, enjoyable etc etc. I said is it possible?)

 

I highly doubt.

 

Obviously I dont know her full circumstances. But highly doubt her background is functionally supportive.

 

[Babs22]

All of my family lives out of state. I could afford to get an apartment with the clients I currently have generating income. But I must admit it's hard for me to see that life as an improvement on my current albeit controlled life. Although, I have not been causing or provoking any problems as of late. But that's about to change. Because my health benefits just ran out from my previous employer and my fiancé said he would take care of that. Turns out he'd have to marry me to get me on his plan. And while I'm not suggesting that..I see that he's backing away from that. He says oh so you think I'm just going to give you half of my life now???? He even mentioned the possibility of a pre-nup.

 

So now he also mentions me getting pregnant and is lax about birth control.

 

Farmtomarket - You really need to step up to the plate and get a grip. Your insurance just ran out so your fiance said he would take care of it, but now that involves marriage, so he is backing away but now he mentions you getting pregnant!!!! How is that supposed to help anything???!!! YOU need to take control of YOUR life. You jumped from one bad relationship to another and never had to stand on your own two feet. It sounds like you don't believe enough in yourself to handle this. You need to get an apartment, keep working on your business and work on the relationship with your son. You will find that you are much happier not depending on anyone else and much more capable than you believe. Being independent will make you feel so good.

 

You sound like you might marry your fiance for insurance benefits or because you are pregnant? You don't even know who you want to be with and you have a damaged relationship with your existing child. How does possibly having another child even cross your mind? And WHY is your fiance responsible for birth control? Do you not take responsibility for anything in your life? You are just allowing things to happen to you. You are in no way ready for another child.

 

It is time to woMAN up, you are better than this. You know none of these are good ideas; returning to exH just for your son, staying with fiance just so you have a place to live, having an unplanned pregnancy just because you were not willing to take responsibility for birth control. Come on!

 

You will never know what or who is right for you until you go and live on your own. Figure out what you like. Do not choose to be with a man just so you won't be alone, just so you have someone to provide for you, just because you don't think you want to be with your current fiance. You cannot just hop back to your exH because things didn't work out with your fiance. Live on your own, have a friendly relationship with your exH, really work on repairing the R with your son. That should be your main focus. The heck with these other men. The only man in your life who should matter right now is your son.

[spanz1]

sounds like he went bat **** crazy on you during the divorce.

MAYBE you two can get back together, but HE will need some serious psychiatric counseling before you should even make a move. He needs to figure out why he did all that crazy stuff. He needs to man up and start spreading the truth about how you were not doing all that bad stuff he said you were.

 

 

You mention he is getting some religious roots back. Maybe his minister can help with the public act of contrition in front of the clergy.

[OldRover]

sounds like he went bat **** crazy on you during the divorce.

MAYBE you two can get back together, but HE will need some serious psychiatric counseling before you should even make a move. He needs to figure out why he did all that crazy stuff. He needs to man up and start spreading the truth about how you were not doing all that bad stuff he said you were.

 

 

You mention he is getting some religious roots back. Maybe his minister can help with the public act of contrition in front of the clergy.

 

Good point, but BOTH will need some serious psychiatric counseling and some serious goals and boundaries to make this work. They have both failed and need to both fix it. It's not a one way street.

[Mr. Lucky]

You jumped from one bad relationship to another and never had to stand on your own two feet. It sounds like you don't believe enough in yourself to handle this. You need to get an apartment, keep working on your business and work on the relationship with your son. You will find that you are much happier not depending on anyone else and much more capable than you believe. Being independent will make you feel so good.

 

Agreed. Farmtomarket, seems like you'd go back to your ex for the same reason you hurried into your current relationship - you don't know what else to do. Obviously, operating from uncertainty is very different than making considered choices based on what's best for the future you and your son have together.

 

Slow down and think. If there's someone whose judgement and advice you trust, talk things out with them. Believe in you and your ability to stand on your own two feet even if it means readjusting goals and lifestyles. Running from man to man may serve their purposes - does it serve you? And your son?

 

You know what you've done to this point. An easy question to ask - how's that working for you? If not so well, time for a change...

 

Mr. Lucky

[MidwestUSA]

Buy your own insurance, you're making enough money.

 

Others are right; we're not getting the whole story.

[OldRover]

Agreed. Farmtomarket, seems like you'd go back to your ex for the same reason you hurried into your current relationship - you don't know what else to do. Obviously, operating from uncertainty is very different than making considered choices based on what's best for the future you and your son have together.

 

Slow down and think. If there's someone whose judgement and advice you trust, talk things out with them. Believe in you and your ability to stand on your own two feet even if it means readjusting goals and lifestyles. Running from man to man may serve their purposes - does it serve you? And your son?

 

You know what you've done to this point. An easy question to ask - how's that working for you? If not so well, time for a change...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Well, I may point out a different view. The advise of living alone and "figuring out what you want and solving your own problems" may or may not be the right advise.

 

I'm SURE the OP wants a good relationship with a good partner. And, I could argue strongly to go back to the marriage and make it work. It's worked before, will be MUCH easier with a kid and has a lot of upside, but will take a lot of work. Not sure if that can be done living alone.

 

I've done the living alone thing and hated it... was most miserable and more depressed than anything. Probably because I had a goal to reunite with my woman... and fortunately, it worked and got out of the "alone" mode.

[Mr. Lucky]

I'm SURE the OP wants a good relationship with a good partner.

 

I'm sure she does and certainly agree it's a worthwhile goal. It's just that, so far nothing she's done has pointed her in that direction...

 

Mr. Lucky

[OldRover]

I'm sure she does and certainly agree it's a worthwhile goal. It's just that, so far nothing she's done has pointed her in that direction...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

True, but she is considering it, and that's the jest of this whole thread. She's looking for advise can thoughts.