Apologies without Motive

[AnotherSadSong]

Hi. My mind has been in turmoil with deep regrets pulling it's strings. I sent an apology letter, not a letter reminiscing or playing breadcrumbs, but one the was sincere and factual...to the point. I did not play the victim and told him that the things he said are of his mind and I do not control his mind and that I have great esteem aside from this relationship and will not let them define me and my future relations.

 

 

I had said things out of anger that I felt horrible about and I felt they were going to heavily hang onto my conscious. I felt 100% okay sending the letter, although uncomfortable, because I know for a fact this long affair is completely over and done.

 

 

I no longer have to mindfully stay no contact or question the past. I am hurting and this will allow me to move on without too much baggage.

 

 

I am also heavily considering going to see my priest even though I have not been too active only contributing monies, and making an appointment for a confessional. I believe this may relieve my mind of past burdens and sins and allow me to move forward toward a healthy and loving connection.

 

 

Has anyone else entered into confessional and felt better in regards to the future?

[eye of the storm]

If you think confessional will make you feel better, go.

 

Things dealing with your soul and your body are best decided by you.

 

I haven't told my pastor about my A. He would expect me to repent, I am not there yet.

[AnotherSadSong]

If you think confessional will make you feel better, go.

 

Things dealing with your soul and your body are best decided by you.

 

I haven't told my pastor about my A. He would expect me to repent, I am not there yet.

 

I have thought after confessing all this, he may be OMG (sic) and give me countless Hail Mary's and Our Father's. He may even ask the Vatican for permission for exorcism.

[RainDown]

I have thought after confessing all this, he may be OMG (sic) and give me countless Hail Mary's and Our Father's. He may even ask the Vatican for permission for exorcism.

 

The priest will be fine. He's heard it all and then some.

 

If you think unburdening yourself to your priest will provide you with some relief, I don't see the harm.

[Popsicle]

I think you are best to have no contact at all.

 

But see the priest if you wish.

[AnotherSadSong]

I think you are best to have no contact at all.

 

But see the priest if you wish.

 

Yes, I am not in contact. The apology was sealed not an open end.

[gettingstronger]

Gently- I think you are pushing too hard and too fast to get over this- you have not been posting long so I am unsure when the affair ended but you seem to want to be healed already-it takes time and you need to give yourself that- if you have not sent the letter, don't- at least for now-my best guess is this is not a vehicle for closure, but a plea for contact and if you don't get it, you will be hurt and thats not good-

[AnotherSadSong]

Gently- I think you are pushing too hard and too fast to get over this- you have not been posting long so I am unsure when the affair ended but you seem to want to be healed already-it takes time and you need to give yourself that- if you have not sent the letter, don't- at least for now-my best guess is this is not a vehicle for closure, but a plea for contact and if you don't get it, you will be hurt and thats not good-

 

Yes, I do need to heal, thank you. I promise the letter, in no way, had any motive. It was without emotion, not open ended, factual and to the point. I said a lot in anger. That will hang on to me and burden me terribly. Once that was lifted, I can start to heal and no longer keep thinking about it, thus the affair. It can be gone from my conscious.

[RoseVille]

I have thought after confessing all this, he may be OMG (sic) and give me countless Hail Mary's and Our Father's. He may even ask the Vatican for permission for exorcism.

 

My boss and I were talking yesterday, and her priest refused to forgive her of her A. I didn't know they could do that. She's been devastated for months.

[AnotherSadSong]

My boss and I were talking yesterday, and her priest refused to forgive her of her A. I didn't know they could do that. She's been devastated for months.

 

 

I believe God is suppose to forgive not the priest. That is awful!

[Artie Lang]

if God is the one forgiving, why go to a priest in the first place?

 

what i'm saying is, you find absolution- at least in your case -in the personal relationship you have with God. i just think you need someone to talk to about this issue. maybe get into counseling.

[RoseVille]

I believe God is suppose to forgive not the priest. That is awful!

 

That's not what Catholcism says. Priests can and do withhold absolution.

[AnotherSadSong]

That's not what Catholcism says. Priests can and do withhold absolution.

 

I am sure they do if the act of contrition is genuine and the person is genuinely remorseful of their actions. I do not know the priest or the lady you speak of but I know the majority of priests listen well and forgive another's sins.

[AnotherSadSong]

if God is the one forgiving, why go to a priest in the first place?

 

what i'm saying is, you find absolution- at least in your case -in the personal relationship you have with God. i just think you need someone to talk to about this issue. maybe get into counseling.

 

I could repent to God too. And he is greater and can forgive just as well. Thank you.

[Artie Lang]

I could repent to God too. And he is greater and can forgive just as well. Thank you.

 

that's what i'm sayin'... why go to a priest. he's an intermediary.

 

 

what is it you want to be forgiven for, exactly... the affair itself or what you said to him about his wife?

 

it seems like you've calmed down a bit since you started this thread. maybe things will get clearer for you. just keep NC.

[AnotherSadSong]

that's what i'm sayin'... why go to a priest. he's an intermediary.

 

 

what is it you want to be forgiven for, exactly... the affair itself or what you said to him about his wife?

 

it seems like you've calmed down a bit since you started this thread. maybe things will get clearer for you. just keep NC.

 

I would like to start off on a clean slate. I apologized in letter to him about all that genuinely. I am not for or against NC. I do not want to actively be in an NC mode and fall to counting days or thinking I have not contacted him and why he has not contacted me. I am through. Done. There is no wondering, caring...I just want to move on forward.

 

 

I do have a nauseous uneasy feeling in my stomach Artie...as if I am about to board a flight to Europe to live alone. I would ask have ever felt this way, but I am not sure if I would want to hear what answer you may give.

[Curdie]

So much misinformation in this thread. First of all, Catholocism does not teach that a priest works as an intermediary. When performing sacraments he is acting in persona christi, or in the person of Christ. The priest is a necessary part of the sacrament. Without him it doesn't happen. What you bind on earth shall be bound in heaven and all that jazz. And yes, it is completely possible for a sacrament to be invalid. If you walk into the confessional and announce that you have no intention to stop sinning it is the priest's duty to inform you that the sacrament is not happening and that you are still in a state of mortal sin. Also, most of the English speaking Catholic world has stopped using the term confession. It is now referred to as reconciliation. Gives a better idea of what is actually happening.

 

If you are a lapsed Catholic I would encourage you to make an appointment with a priest. It doesn't even have to be for Reconciliation. I've heard a lot of OW say that they feel like they've lost their sense of self. Taking stock of your spiritual life could be a great step towards healing.

Edited July 8, 2015 by Curdie

[privategal]

Imo make no more decisions in an emotional state. You are in shock and an emotional whirlwind.

You just sent an apology to a cheater who said you were justva f%!#.

You need to get through the stages of greif.

Everything slow and gentle.

Make no sudden moves.

Ride out this emotional storm.

I tried yoga...hardest thing ever...but healing.

I cried it out too...alot.

No one moves on like lightening...its gradual.

You made a mistake. Its ok. You are human.

The silver lining will find you.

Start to try and not look back.

The guilt is useless. Hugs.

[AnotherSadSong]

Imo make no more decisions in an emotional state. You are in shock and an emotional whirlwind.

You just sent an apology to a cheater who said you were justva f%!#.

You need to get through the stages of greif.

Everything slow and gentle.

Make no sudden moves.

Ride out this emotional storm.

I tried yoga...hardest thing ever...but healing.

I cried it out too...alot.

No one moves on like lightening...its gradual.

You made a mistake. Its ok. You are human.

The silver lining will find you.

Start to try and not look back.

The guilt is useless. Hugs.

 

Thank you for this it was so sweet. I wrestled over the thoughts about sending the apology, and I felt okay because I had to get it off my chest. I know right, sending a letter after he said that.

 

 

I said some really nasty things. It was all pent up for so many years and it came out as projection, my objective was to find fault and hurt. It did not help I had a little help from a friend that night, wine, after we initially broke it off.

 

 

I left him not only with his, I never felt a thing for you, but I left him with undoubtedly a gigantic hatred of me. I cannot do this anymore, I am so tired and exasperated of this whole entire ordeal. I get nerve wrecked even thinking about it.

[m4p]

Hi SadSong,

I truly understand the pain of ending an A.

 

To be very honest there is no point anymore. But you have sent the letter. So there's nothing we can do about that now. But do remember that your emotions WILL continue to be in turmoil. You might be ok now. You might not be ok tomorrow. Rinse and repeat... you get my drift.

 

IMHO, Indifference is the optimum situation you want to achieve after ending an A. Being angry, being apologetic, not wanting to end on a bad note, etc etc...... These are not indifference- these still shows that you care. Don't give him anything anymore.

 

If it arises again, I will suggest a journal or simply typing out and ranting about how you feel on your computer or phone but DON'T SEND IT. For a point I had tons of "notes" in my phone- all my pain and despair and words I cannot tell anyone. It helped, just by letting it out.

 

As for the priest, perhaps it might help- but I am not sure how it will affect your church dynamics and you. You might want to reconsider it. You don't need to see a priest to unburden yourself. Only YOU can open up your own mind, let the emotions wash over you, see the past for what it is and move on.....

 

I will suggest therapy or counselling instead. Someone professional can help you with identifying and resolving any issues that is preventing you from an open and loving relationship. Big hug to you!

 

ps: sorry i tend to be draggy and long winded.

[privategal]

Thank you for this it was so sweet. I wrestled over the thoughts about sending the apology, and I felt okay because I had to get it off my chest. I know right, sending a letter after he said that.

 

 

I said some really nasty things. It was all pent up for so many years and it came out as projection, my objective was to find fault and hurt. It did not help I had a little help from a friend that night, wine, after we initially broke it off.

 

 

I left him not only with his, I never felt a thing for you, but I left him with undoubtedly a gigantic hatred of me. I cannot do this anymore, I am so tired and exasperated of this whole entire ordeal. I get nerve wrecked even thinking about it.

 

Its ok you raged at him...your human, it wasn't planned, its done. Hes a jerk. You are not.

Anger and hurt bring you to dark places sometimes.

Trust me you will feel like more communication as time passes and the stages of greif roll through.

Press on...it gets better...it wont be easy.

Be very very gentle and understanding of yourself.

Many have been where you are and found themselves in a happier healthier place. Its not a fast process so please be patient.

Again...no sudden moves, no anything.

Just rest...prayer, time, cry it all out but know you will not cry forever. The first 4 weeks are hardest imo but no set timeline. We are all rooting for you.

[AnotherSadSong]

Hi SadSong,

I truly understand the pain of ending an A.

 

To be very honest there is no point anymore. But you have sent the letter. So there's nothing we can do about that now. But do remember that your emotions WILL continue to be in turmoil. You might be ok now. You might not be ok tomorrow. Rinse and repeat... you get my drift.

 

IMHO, Indifference is the optimum situation you want to achieve after ending an A. Being angry, being apologetic, not wanting to end on a bad note, etc etc...... These are not indifference- these still shows that you care. Don't give him anything anymore.

 

If it arises again, I will suggest a journal or simply typing out and ranting about how you feel on your computer or phone but DON'T SEND IT. For a point I had tons of "notes" in my phone- all my pain and despair and words I cannot tell anyone. It helped, just by letting it out.

 

As for the priest, perhaps it might help- but I am not sure how it will affect your church dynamics and you. You might want to reconsider it. You don't need to see a priest to unburden yourself. Only YOU can open up your own mind, let the emotions wash over you, see the past for what it is and move on.....

 

I will suggest therapy or counselling instead. Someone professional can help you with identifying and resolving any issues that is preventing you from an open and loving relationship. Big hug to you!

 

ps: sorry i tend to be draggy and long winded.

 

 

Thank you and I promise no more apologies or contact. I have reconsidered telling my priest because I have first hand noticed all the judgment that goes on within parishioners. I am more open minded have the ability for high levels of tolerance. I do not want it to affect the dynamics as you previously mentioned. I have other investments to the church and do not want to create more dysfunction.