Deciding to leave

[LostGuy101]

I have been having a hard time dealing with my marriage for the last few years after my wife's "emotional affair." My wife had a real affair back in 12 years ago for several months while I was overseas. I eventually got over this and thought things would be ok.

 

About 8 years ago, she did it again, for several months, I had no idea what was going on. Again, I forgave her and made a commitment to try and move on, we had two kids I just thought that I was doing the right thing. I went into paranoid/surveillance mode.

 

About 4 years ago she had this "emotional affair." Not sure exactly what it was but I found messages from this other guy to her asking to hook up. I confronted her, told her that I was finished and no longer cared. I wasnt sure if there was ever anything beyond emails but for some reason I decided to try and work it out. She told me that the connection was over with.

 

One more kid and a few years later I am about half the man I used to be and want to be. I am constantly dealing with hurt, Ive done quite well balling it up inside. Ive always felt some sense of honor, like I should stay committed no matter what the cost. That feeling is gone, I dont see anyway for me to be happy anymore. I cant look at her the same, I cant feel the same way about her.

 

For the last few months I have had a hard time keeping the feelings in, Ive lost about 15 pounds, I have times where I just space out and have put everything I have into work, its the easiest place for me to ignore the reality of life.

 

My wife recently called me on it asking what was wrong, this opened a huge can of worms but now I feel as if I can finally leave. I feel like I have said what needs to be said and I think its the best thing for me, my kids and my wife. I know the fact that I have stayed so long is partly my fault, I just didnt have it in my to start the process. TBH, Im a bit scrared, scared my kids will resent me, they are all very close to their mother and they are really what matters the most to me now.

 

My wife admitted that her connection with this last guy lasted many more months after she told me she stopped but she swears that this time, things have changed and that she finally realizes all of the pain she has caused me.

 

I dont think she really understands that pain. Is it bad that after all of these years I cant forgive/forget? Is it bad that I finally have decided that I need to be happy, whatever that means? After her latest revelation I feel like I really could never trust her fully again, I mean I have kind of felt like this since GUY#2 anyways. Sorry for the novel, just trying to see if there is anyone else that have had this type of issue, wanting to leave after a long time of pain.

[Mr. Lucky]

After her latest revelation I feel like I really could never trust her fully again, I mean I have kind of felt like this since GUY#2 anyways. Sorry for the novel, just trying to see if there is anyone else that have had this type of issue, wanting to leave after a long time of pain.

 

You've certainly been through a lot, sure your pain and emotional scars are well-earned.

 

Have you been to marriage counseling? Your relationship seems rife with communication issues both in how the two of you express needs and resolve conflict and crises. Since you have kids (2? 3?), might want to explore every possibility for marital recovery.

 

Don't think anyone could blame you regardless of the path you choose. Keep posting, let us know how it goes...

 

Mr. Lucky

[I4givehim]

I have been having a hard time dealing with my marriage for the last few years after my wife's "emotional affair." My wife had a real affair back in 12 years ago for several months while I was overseas. I eventually got over this and thought things would be ok.

 

About 8 years ago, she did it again, for several months, I had no idea what was going on. Again, I forgave her and made a commitment to try and move on, we had two kids I just thought that I was doing the right thing. I went into paranoid/surveillance mode.

 

About 4 years ago she had this "emotional affair." Not sure exactly what it was but I found messages from this other guy to her asking to hook up. I confronted her, told her that I was finished and no longer cared. I wasnt sure if there was ever anything beyond emails but for some reason I decided to try and work it out. She told me that the connection was over with.

 

One more kid and a few years later I am about half the man I used to be and want to be. I am constantly dealing with hurt, Ive done quite well balling it up inside. Ive always felt some sense of honor, like I should stay committed no matter what the cost. That feeling is gone, I dont see anyway for me to be happy anymore. I cant look at her the same, I cant feel the same way about her.

 

For the last few months I have had a hard time keeping the feelings in, Ive lost about 15 pounds, I have times where I just space out and have put everything I have into work, its the easiest place for me to ignore the reality of life.

 

My wife recently called me on it asking what was wrong, this opened a huge can of worms but now I feel as if I can finally leave. I feel like I have said what needs to be said and I think its the best thing for me, my kids and my wife. I know the fact that I have stayed so long is partly my fault, I just didnt have it in my to start the process. TBH, Im a bit scrared, scared my kids will resent me, they are all very close to their mother and they are really what matters the most to me now.

 

My wife admitted that her connection with this last guy lasted many more months after she told me she stopped but she swears that this time, things have changed and that she finally realizes all of the pain she has caused me.

 

I dont think she really understands that pain. Is it bad that after all of these years I cant forgive/forget? Is it bad that I finally have decided that I need to be happy, whatever that means? After her latest revelation I feel like I really could never trust her fully again, I mean I have kind of felt like this since GUY#2 anyways. Sorry for the novel, just trying to see if there is anyone else that have had this type of issue, wanting to leave after a long time of pain.

 

Lostguy you have every right to leave. Enough is enough. You children will know who was the better person. It may not be today, it may not be tomorrow but one day they will know that you are a Great Father, a good upstanding man, with great honor. Any women would be honored to have a man like yourself. Do NOT hesitate, runnnnnn as fast as you can and get out of that cheating, lying, deceitful marriage as fast as you can. Good Luck!!!

[LostGuy101]

Mr. Lucky, I have 3 kids now, one just graduated. I know we have comm issues, I think I was always under the impression that if I didnt rock the boat, she wouldnt leave me. Typing this out makes it feel a little pathetic. I actually am emailing with a counselor now trying to setup an appointment. I dont know if I want this marriage anymore.

 

I dont know if I could ever really trust here again but at the very least, I would like to get a lot of my chest and maybe feel a little like myself again. Not even sure who that really is.

 

I4givehim, thanks for the kind words. My wife is a really good mother, Im sure its not exactly what you meant but I dont want to be seen as better, I just want them to know that I care about them and love them more than anything else. I dont ever want them to know about what has happened between us.

 

When my wife and I had the talk recently about what was bothering me, the conversation wuickly turned into separation. It was almost like I was being rushed out. I ended up leaving and then it hit me, this was my house, my kids... Why should I be pushed out? I went back to the house, talked it out with the wife and decided that I would try counseling, I suggested the same to her also but I really wanted to try it out by myself first. Maybe thats part of the communication issue but I just want to be able to talk in the open about how I feel in regards to what has happened between us without judgment. My wife feels like that too much time has past since the last "incident" and that its odd for me to feel this way after a few years.

 

I tried to tell her that its not like a light switch, you cant just turn it off. My resentment, disgust, hurt has always been there. Sometimes I can let it go, sometimes I cant but there is never a time that we can talk about the past, or drive past somewhere familiar that I cant immediately associate to one of the guys she was with whether it was physical or emotional.

[I4givehim]

Mr. Lucky, I have 3 kids now, one just graduated. I know we have comm issues, I think I was always under the impression that if I didnt rock the boat, she wouldnt leave me. Typing this out makes it feel a little pathetic. I actually am emailing with a counselor now trying to setup an appointment. I dont know if I want this marriage anymore.

 

I dont know if I could ever really trust here again but at the very least, I would like to get a lot of my chest and maybe feel a little like myself again. Not even sure who that really is.

 

I4givehim, thanks for the kind words. My wife is a really good mother, Im sure its not exactly what you meant but I dont want to be seen as better, I just want them to know that I care about them and love them more than anything else. I dont ever want them to know about what has happened between us.

 

When my wife and I had the talk recently about what was bothering me, the conversation wuickly turned into separation. It was almost like I was being rushed out. I ended up leaving and then it hit me, this was my house, my kids... Why should I be pushed out? I went back to the house, talked it out with the wife and decided that I would try counseling, I suggested the same to her also but I really wanted to try it out by myself first. Maybe thats part of the communication issue but I just want to be able to talk in the open about how I feel in regards to what has happened between us without judgment. My wife feels like that too much time has past since the last "incident" and that its odd for me to feel this way after a few years.

 

I tried to tell her that its not like a light switch, you cant just turn it off. My resentment, disgust, hurt has always been there. Sometimes I can let it go, sometimes I cant but there is never a time that we can talk about the past, or drive past somewhere familiar that I cant immediately associate to one of the guys she was with whether it was physical or emotional.

Oh I can relate to this. Some times it is something silly that triggers my tears to start flowing. It is all awful. No one deserves to be treated like this. She has never been deceived. She never had to forgive someone for being so cruel by cheating on her. If she did then she would NEVER have done what she did.

[Mr. Goodguy]

Hey Buddy,

 

I am sorry for what you are going through I am going through it myself. Bad thing is I decided to stay and she left. I applaud you for what you are getting ready to do. You will have the weight on your shoulders of this forever if you don;t leave. It is not easy now but it will be one of the best choices you ever made. She will do this again and again. And if you caught her that many times how may times have you not caught her?

She does not deserve to be in your circle. A person like that has no honor or loyalty and they don't respect you because they cant ever respect themselves.

Dont lose anymore of yourself or you wont be worth anything else to yourself or your kids. You are doing the right thing my friend. Give it some time it will be alright. I am starting to see that already.

[LostGuy101]

[/b]

Oh I can relate to this. Some times it is something silly that triggers my tears to start flowing. It is all awful. No one deserves to be treated like this. She has never been deceived. She never had to forgive someone for being so cruel by cheating on her. If she did then she would NEVER have done what she did.

 

It is very cruel, and the bad part is that when you don't really have anyone else to talk to, at least for me, I get easily manipulated into giving in again. Her ability to reason with me and make me eat her lines is amazing. The world can feel quite small in this way. I came to this forum in hopes that maybe I could just get some of this out there, somehow find an anchor to get myself out of that cycle. Thanks so much for sharing, its sad but useful to know others have been in the same boat.

 

I planned on talking with her more about this at the end of the month, Ill be traveling for work and thought I should wait until then. Still a lot of unknowns, but I feel like it has to be done if I expect to have any self respect for myself again. I plan on asking for a separation but not going anywhere until we get the agreement worked out. Not sure how well this will go but I feel like thats a much better way to handle it then her forcing me out the door.

[LostGuy101]

Hey Buddy,

 

I am sorry for what you are going through I am going through it myself. Bad thing is I decided to stay and she left. I applaud you for what you are getting ready to do. You will have the weight on your shoulders of this forever if you don;t leave. It is not easy now but it will be one of the best choices you ever made. She will do this again and again. And if you caught her that many times how may times have you not caught her?

She does not deserve to be in your circle. A person like that has no honor or loyalty and they don't respect you because they cant ever respect themselves.

Dont lose anymore of yourself or you wont be worth anything else to yourself or your kids. You are doing the right thing my friend. Give it some time it will be alright. I am starting to see that already.

 

Thanks Mr. Goodguy, sorry that you are having the same issue but glad to hear you are out of it and seeing some light. I feel like the worse part is yet to come, it will tear me apart to see my kids hurt by this.

[Yasuandio]

I am very sorry to read your post. I lived 26 years in a like situation. You can continue to swallow it, try to forget about it, pretend it is not happening, and/or hope it won't happen again. I can tell you in my case, denial eventually took it's toll on my health, big time. Do you want to wait as long as I did?

 

One bit of wisdom, I can attest to -- based on this experience, and was also mentioned by Mr. Goodguy. That is, there is more information that you do not know, this you can be sure of. And the details you have received thus far from the mouth of this wife are likely less than accurate.

 

Another thing that has been proven to me over time, is the fact that human behavior repeats itself. Time and time again, upon reflection, I now see this. It took a very long time for my realization, but I now "get it," Sir. My denial, anger, and bargaining phases are history. My pattern has changed, with great reluctance (and time), to Acceptance of THE FACTS.

 

Finally, I will emphasis that you should not leave your home - no way. Let a judge determine such matters. Again, my regrets. But, you are not to blame. On the contrary, this is the best lesson you can demonstrate for your children so this conduct is not viewed as "acceptable." And, in my opinion, at the appropriate time (age), the children should know the full truth. But, that is how I roll (although, I am childless - so listen to others). Yas

[No Limit]

Don't waste your life with her. You have plenty of good reasons to leave.

[KBarletta]

Do everything in your power to get as much time with your children as possible, and be the best father you can possibly be during your time with them. They will love you regardless of what happens between you and your wife, so long as your wife is not the kind of person who will attempt to poison their opinion of you when you leave.

 

I would recommend counseling, regardless of whether you decide to leave or decide to stay. It will help you sort through your feelings and learn to adjust to your new life, no matter what that is.

 

In my opinion, she's given you more reasons than one person should need to leave and never look back. Kids or no kids, she has repeatedly cheated and repeatedly lied to you. Why would she expect you to believe that the fourth time is going to be "different"? You said the kids are you number one concern (as they should be), but they wouldn't thrive in a home where their father is unhappy and there is no real love between the parents.

 

I'd say concentrate on being a great father and spending as much time as possible with your kids. And get on with the rest of your life.

 

Good luck, and keep posting!

[LostGuy101]

Do everything in your power to get as much time with your children as possible, and be the best father you can possibly be during your time with them. They will love you regardless of what happens between you and your wife, so long as your wife is not the kind of person who will attempt to poison their opinion of you when you leave.

 

I would recommend counseling, regardless of whether you decide to leave or decide to stay. It will help you sort through your feelings and learn to adjust to your new life, no matter what that is.

 

In my opinion, she's given you more reasons than one person should need to leave and never look back. Kids or no kids, she has repeatedly cheated and repeatedly lied to you. Why would she expect you to believe that the fourth time is going to be "different"? You said the kids are you number one concern (as they should be), but they wouldn't thrive in a home where their father is unhappy and there is no real love between the parents.

 

I'd say concentrate on being a great father and spending as much time as possible with your kids. And get on with the rest of your life.

 

Good luck, and keep posting!

 

Thanks for the words of encouragement. I have my first counseling session tomorrow, kind of looking forward to it. This forum has been very helpful also. Its good to hear others opinion and get some reinforcement on what is "right." Its a hard thing to discuss with people you are familiar with.

 

I agree, focusing on the kids is most important and I've been dwelling on the past so much, I think separating would help me here, although I understand its going to be a rough path forward.

 

The next steps, the leaving steps is something I really need to plan out. From what I have read, I will need to stay in the home until a separation agreement can be finalized. I want to split custody 50/50. I have read that is what many courts are doing, hopefully we can do this outside of court.

 

I would rather keep the house, my wife's finances would not be able to cut it, she is currently finishing school (PhD) and has a part time job. With the mortgage, utils etc... she just wouldnt be able to afford it. I dont think she will see it this way though.

 

I am out of the Adultery (with proof) SOL for avoiding alimony, I dont think she would go there but you never know. I make quite a bit more than she does but I think she has decent earning potential, she is looking for a job now. I have been debating whether or not to wait until she finds one.

 

I certainly don't want to leave her in a bad spot, she is still the mother of my children and I still love her, just not in the way that a husband should love a wife, not anymore.

 

I planned on trying to work with her to write the agreement out. Not sure if anyone has any experience with this but advice is appreciated. In the state I live in, you have to separate first for a year before divorcing.

[Clay]

I wouldn't worry about the kids. The moment they start to see you happy they will see it was a good thing that you left. No one will ever blame you for leaving a cheater. I stayed with my xW for ten years. She cheated all through our marriage. She is the one that messed up and it was her choice to make. Now do the right thing by taking care of yourself. There are women out there that are loyal and committed. I was scared as hell divorcing my xW. I of course kept the house and the kids. We pulled through it and my life has been far better since. I never look back and wished I was still with her. She recently repeated her wonderful behavior with this last guy. When I heard the news all I could do is laugh. He thought it was so great to be with a married woman and now he really gets to see just the true value of that prize.

 

Go live life and smile. It does get better.

 

Clay

[unrequitedluv]

Hi Dude,

 

I get what you mean. After you trust her over and over again but she did nothing other than using your trust to be with other guys out there.

 

its not wrong... the kids shouldnt resent over you since you had DONE trying over the years... its frankly the female in fault in this case.

 

Wanting the marriage or not is up to you. You know that your wife is a bitch and yet u still chose to stay over the years there are other reasons. For the kids? maybe u are in love with her still and all? trying to change her?

 

you may want to give yourself a cool down period... move out temporary or something or a long holiday alone for 10days? to sort your thoughts out...

 

I am somehow in ur shoe. but worst than u. at ur wife is willing to try to work on the marriage despite being a bitch... my husband chose to forgo this marriage, not giving any alimony nothing... and somehow I begain to feel tired holding on.... hoping well there will be miracle someday

[Friskyone4u]

Lost Guy

 

Three affairs that you know about. Probably more inappropriate behavior that you have no clue about.

You did the right thing not moving out of your home because of her behavior.

 

Your kids seem to be old enough to know the truth. Do not underesimate their ability to understand and do not lie to them. They do not have to know every sordid detail but they should not get a sanitized version that you and wife are divorcing because of financial issues or any other things that are not true. They will eventually find out the truth and will resent you for lying to them.

 

With your wifes track record, all you are going to accomplish with a separation is to give her space to start another affair with someone, and the excuse this time will be that she thought you were done with her. If you are, then divorce her and move on.

 

She does not realize anything or she wojuld not keep doing it, and it seems like when you have tried to work it out each time you have not learned from the previojus time and just "trusted" her.

 

You now know that was a big mistake

[whatigained]

Sorry dude but you probably should've left a few affairs ago. It's a tough pill to swallow but when your spouse has sexual relations with someone that isn't you, they are just not that into you anymore. There is no love or respect there.

 

She's eating cake and you're providing the fork. Realize your worth and kick her to the curb. Your kids in all likelihood know what's going on because they are smarter than we give them credit for all the time.

 

Show them what it's like to have some boundaries and then enforce them. There is no need to put up with her crap anymore because there are plenty of women out there that would treat you better.

 

I wish you luck.

[aliveagain]

Your married to a serial cheater who is very broken. My guess is she never got counselling after her other affairs, she needs professional help to find out why she thinks bringing other men into your relationship helps the relationship. You may want to inform the other betrayed wives if any of her boyfriends were married, they too deserve the truth.

 

After that many affairs how can she get you to believe she'll never do it again? I think your the only one committed to your marriage. When your children are old enough tell them the truth. Any reason to question the paternity of your children(sorry to bring that up but it did happen to me)? Stay strong, none of this is your fault, she's the problem.