Am I being too selfish?

[Remo]

Hi

 

I would like your advise. I have been married for 12 years (together for about 20), have several wonderful kids, and in the past couple of years, I have realized that I do not love my wife as much as I used to. I used to love her very much and would do anything for her happiness - and did - but now, I am not sure I love her at all (but how can that be?). Of course I care for her, but I do not have a connection with her any more. I just have very little interest in her and would prefer to spend time with other people that I can connect with.

 

And the interesting thing is, we do plenty of things together - go out to dinner, movies, travel, etc. And none of it helps - the relationship is very unfulfilling. I am indifferent and associate this with lack of love. 4 months ago, I told her how I felt. She was not happy, but not totally surprised either - she can pick up on my vibes. She says she still loves me completely.

 

I decided to go to marriage counseling for the last 6 months (2 months before I told her) to try to understand better how I feel. She would not go once I told her - she says that it wouldn't do her any good and that we can work on it together outside of a marriage counselor.

 

It really comes down to that we drifted apart due to being busy parents, work schedules, school, etc. and I just mostly fell out of love with her. We have a good life, but the marriage doesn't even come close to fulfilling me personally - either physically, mentally, or emotionally. We have tried to work hard over the last 4 months, but it is not getting better, maybe even slipping in the other direction.

 

Am I being too selfish to begin to contemplate separation or divorce?

[Mz. Pixie]

No- it sounds as if you're willing to work on your marriage but she isn't.

 

Marriage counseling is for both partners. Of course you can still benefit if she doesn't go but if she wants to work on the marriage she needs to go too.

 

Sounds like she doesn't believe that part of this is her problem. That is what happened to me.

 

Married over ten years. Two children. Great life. Exh was a good person, just selfish. He spent alot of time away from home. I talked to him on different occasions about how I felt. He would promise to do better and then he wouldn't. He never gave me any affection or attention unless he wanted sex. He never had TIME to work on our marriage. I asked for counseling, brought home books, articles etc. He would never go to counseling or read what I brought home.

 

I also told him that I was going to have an affair or leave him if he didn't start treating me better. He didn't listen.

 

Someone came along and pursued me. I had a fling. It was a wake up call for me and I left my marriage. When I finally decided to go, he decided he was all about working on it. Cried, begged and pleaded. It had no affect on me whatsoever. He had promised so many times to change.

 

After I separated, he found out about the fling (I didn't leave my marriage for the other guy- it was only a fun thing). Now, of course, it's all my fault. No one remembers what he did to end the marriage, only what I did.

 

If she will not go to counseling perhaps it's time to tell her she has to go or you're gone? This isn't working for you. Whatever you do, don't have an affair- if you do you'll be the evil one until the end of time. Trust me, I know.

[Remo]

Thanks for the advise Mz. Pixie. I'll try to take your advise, but I have been lonely for a long time. Maybe I should separate and see how things go - maybe I will learn that it would be better that way, or maybe I will realize that my marriage is the right place to be. If I didn't have kids, I do not think this would be a difficult decision. My father left my family when I was 8 so I do not want to crush the family like he did. Thanks again.

[Mz. Pixie]

Yes, that is the hard part, the kids. I don't have any magic words there. We totally made it about us and not about them. Made it clear to them they'd have lots of time with each of us and that we loved them and that the other would always be their parent.

 

I just remember how miserable my mother was staying with her husband all those years when she should have left him a long time ago. She had a chance for happiness but died a bitter lonely woman. I didn't want to end up like that.

[Devildog]

If I may ask Remo, how much time do you get for your own interests? Do you get much in the way of "you time"? I think in alot of situations a couple stops having their own interests and become a couple and forget the two individuals. And then what do you have to talk about? Work? What else? Nothing that the other doesn't already know.

 

Almost everyone here has taken the time to focus on themselves and the interests they didn't find time for after the separation and/or divorce. I can't help but wonder if a weekend afternoon every so often for both of you to fulfil your individual interests might be beneficial to you both. I know I would have been alot happier and more dedicated (if that was possible) if I had some time to myself once in awhile.