DevastateHeartbroken Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 (edited) I am devastated and I need some support Please read my unfortunate story I started talking to a married man who was separated from his wife. They just had an (unplanned) baby. She has post partum and could't take care of the baby. (how could any mother do that???) She moved out to her family. He has a live-in nanny to take care of the baby. I knew him before be got married. He confessed he liked me back then too but he moved and his wife (went so same HS, but never dated). She was going through tough times, her mom passed away etc,.. i asked him why did he marry? he said it felt right. After much more talking and intimate talk, we talked about the "future" and our dreams and traveling etc.. All this time he had not actually told her he wants a divorce. His wife just left him and he's a lone. Then one day, I felt insecured, I told him I see no future with him, and I don't want to waste time. Then after that, we both misses each other. But remained No Contact. After about 2 weeks, we started talking again. He said he desperately misses me and really really want me and want to love me. And said I am not the reason for his separation. He, recently (during NC with me), told his wife about divorce. He mentioned his only fear is his 6 mo- old baby, about only being with her half-time later on. He read up on stuff about divorce, and I asked about his findings. He asked himself several times before, if it was fair for them to stick it through, and living like roommates. If they were much older yes, but not now. Now, he needs to do what makes him happy and what brings him happiness. And I brought that for him. We talk a lot about our "future" trips and places we could go, city we would live in for our jobs, house we want, closet space etc etc.. but (not never talked about marriage because he's still in one on paper!) recently, A lot of family interventions from both sides came about when he came visit his parents, near her family too. He felt fine during this visit, and was talking to me a lot at night. Then today, he texted me that he can no longer talk to me, that he decided to focus all his love for her, the baby and to rebuild their relationship and family. And he asked to respect his decision. I have not reply back or have anything else to reply back. I'm just devastated, Just when I thought I had him, I lost him completely. when he said that I am not the reason for their separation, I asked him "what is it then?" He said they never had anything in common, and religious belief was an issue for him, and that he doesn't feel being romantically in love with her anymore. My heart aches, although we never have the chance to love each other. (I really want to contact Karma101 because her post was the first thing I read when I googled this situation, to see how people go through this. I'm so new to this forum that I do not have access to private message her and the post is so old that it won't let me post a reply to her post here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/168133-he-went-back-his-wife-what-am-i-doing I would love to talk to Karma101 if you see this Edited July 7, 2015 by DevastateHeartbroken add more details Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 (edited) i assume the W is suffering from postnatal depression -- that's not her fault & it's not something a mother "chooses" to do, just a FYI. i know it's hard but you need to stop trying to demonize her in any way you can. was he already separated from his W when he started it with you...? was he cheating on his pregnant W or did he leave her before she got pregnant & continued having sex with her...? i'm not really understanding the timeline. you said the baby wasn't planned but they were clearly leading an active sex life so... =\ also, if she had gotten pregnant = they were having sex so the marriage ISN'T a roommates type of marriage. i would advise you to back off & move on. this is a very young family, the situation is messy and he had decided to reconnect with his W. from everything you wrote, his marriage isn't a dead one & he isn't completely detached from the W. even if you did bring him happiness, his baby brought him a lot more and that's about it. with a baby young like that... i doubt he wants to have only 50% of the time with the child & as the child grows older it will only get harder to leave. how do you get over it? with time and NC. NC is your best friend. let go of the idea of the two of you together, surround yourself with other folks, occupy your thoughts and time and maybe try dating other folks. just like you got over any other previous partner. Edited July 7, 2015 by minimariah 11 Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 sorry, i just re-read your post. i got it right now - his W was pregnant, gave birth and left him and THEN you started talking to him...? am i getting this right this time? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Sassy Girl Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 Wait.... So you and he were messing around while his wife went to her family to help her recover from the death of her mother and post natal depression? Wow. No words. No wait I do - who does that??? 10 Link to post Share on other sites
AnotherSadSong Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 One thing, this does not sound like an affair for he was clearly separated and living apart. They were not sharing the same residence and separated. I am sorry this happened to you when I am sure you put your heart on your sleeve and were there for him in a crisis like situation, new baby, mother not around even if she has her own legit excuse of post mortem depression. Do not let anyone make you feel bad for caring. I hope the pain eases. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 ...mother not around even if she has her own legit excuse of post mortem depression. *postnatal or postpartum. post mortem means "after death". it is a serious illness and far from an excuse, which makes this entire situation even more difficult & messier. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
AnotherSadSong Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 *postnatal or postpartum. post mortem means "after death". it is a serious illness and far from an excuse, which makes this entire situation even more difficult & messier. Was an error...I do know the difference. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
AnotherSadSong Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 *postnatal or postpartum. post mortem means "after death". it is a serious illness and far from an excuse, which makes this entire situation even more difficult & messier. I suppose it would if they were not truly separated. I hope to hear more of the factors regarding the situation. I have a handy man whose wife left him with Postpartum depression and never came back. He is raising a daughter alone with great difficulty. Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 I suppose it would if they were not truly separated. I hope to hear more of the factors regarding the situation. I have a handy man whose wife left him with Postpartum depression and never came back. He is raising a daughter alone with great difficulty. that's a difficult situation, for sure -- but postnatal depression is a form of a clinical depression and a clinical depression is not a matter of character -- it is a matter of brain. this woman needs help, sometimes it works out and the therapy is successful... sometimes it doesn't. just like with every other mental illness. what i'm trying to say -- women with postnatal depression don't set out to hurt their families on purpose. and i assume it's even harder to heal when your H has a new woman + wants to leave you. Link to post Share on other sites
Sassy Girl Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 I suppose it would if they were not truly separated. I hope to hear more of the factors regarding the situation. I have a handy man whose wife left him with Postpartum depression and never came back. He is raising a daughter alone with great difficulty. The baby is less that 6 months old and being cared for by a nanny. Wouldn't the best thing for his child be to help support his wife to recover from what may be a temporary illness which is beyond her control. Instead he starts messing around with someone else. Id ask where his priorities are? And both of them could show some compassion. He sounds like a real gem. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
AnotherSadSong Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 that's a difficult situation, for sure -- but postnatal depression is a form of a clinical depression and a clinical depression is not a matter of character -- it is a matter of brain. this woman needs help, sometimes it works out and the therapy is successful... sometimes it doesn't. just like with every other mental illness. and i assume it's harder when your H has a new woman + wants to leave you. I believe it to be a sad situation all around. They seemed to work this out with many family interventions. I do not know all the aspects of the story to place judgment on this poster and her actions. I believe she is hurting. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 He asked you to respect his decision, so if you truly love and care about him you'll do as he asks and let go. As painful as it is for you to accept, he's chosen to try again with his wife and keep his family together. Sorry that you're hurting, try to keep busy and be around good friends and family who can support you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author DevastateHeartbroken Posted July 8, 2015 Author Share Posted July 8, 2015 sorry, i just re-read your post. i got it right now - his W was pregnant, gave birth and left him and THEN you started talking to him...? am i getting this right this time? Yes, he started talking to me some times after she moved out and he's by himself with the baby and nanny. And I never thought she was a bad person, I don't know her. I was just curious in my mind, and couldn't picture myself leaving my baby like that. No one I knows had to leave the babies like that. But anyways,.. You have the timeline right Link to post Share on other sites
Author DevastateHeartbroken Posted July 8, 2015 Author Share Posted July 8, 2015 Wait.... So you and he were messing around while his wife went to her family to help her recover from the death of her mother and post natal depression? Wow. No words. No wait I do - who does that??? No no, her recover from mom deaths was way before, before their marriage. They got closer because he was her shoulder during her bad times. Then it leads to their marriage. He said they were separated when he started talking to me, they don't talk when she left Link to post Share on other sites
Author DevastateHeartbroken Posted July 8, 2015 Author Share Posted July 8, 2015 One thing, this does not sound like an affair for he was clearly separated and living apart. They were not sharing the same residence and separated. I am sorry this happened to you when I am sure you put your heart on your sleeve and were there for him in a crisis like situation, new baby, mother not around even if she has her own legit excuse of post mortem depression. Do not let anyone make you feel bad for caring. I hope the pain eases. Thank you! I hope the pain eases too :/ Link to post Share on other sites
Josmatjes Posted July 8, 2015 Share Posted July 8, 2015 I'm sorry for what you are going through. But if you truly care for him than you will let him try and be a good husband and father. Post parted is no joke and she needs him and the baby needs them both... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author DevastateHeartbroken Posted July 8, 2015 Author Share Posted July 8, 2015 I'm sorry for what you are going through. But if you truly care for him than you will let him try and be a good husband and father. Post parted is no joke and she needs him and the baby needs them both... I understand and i allowed my heart to let him go back. But it's just so hard on me. I just wished he never came back the first time I left him... Link to post Share on other sites
Josmatjes Posted July 8, 2015 Share Posted July 8, 2015 I know... It's really hard , but it's for the best right now. I mean let's say he got divorced and went to you...who is to say he wouldn't regret it and then resent you.... Right now just let life run its course, I believe everything happens for a reason and people come into our lives for different reasons. Maybe you were with him to just help him get through a tough time...just a thought... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author DevastateHeartbroken Posted July 8, 2015 Author Share Posted July 8, 2015 I know... It's really hard , but it's for the best right now. I mean let's say he got divorced and went to you...who is to say he wouldn't regret it and then resent you.... Right now just let life run its course, I believe everything happens for a reason and people come into our lives for different reasons. Maybe you were with him to just help him get through a tough time...just a thought... I was there to help him through the tough time. Now.. I have no one Thank you for your words 1 Link to post Share on other sites
AnotherSadSong Posted July 8, 2015 Share Posted July 8, 2015 I have to ask out of extreme curiosity, if he had a full time nanny, why did she leave? If someone was there to take care of all duties of the child, and she could see and tend to the baby when she was okay, were there extremes, was she wanting to harm the child and had to get away? Or was she not far away so she could visit? I understand postpartum depression is common but there can be psychotic components, a different diagnosis which is rare. I am not judging her. I am curious. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DevastateHeartbroken Posted July 8, 2015 Author Share Posted July 8, 2015 I have to ask out of extreme curiosity, if he had a full time nanny, why did she leave? If someone was there to take care of all duties of the child, and she could see and tend to the baby when she was okay, were there extremes, was she wanting to harm the child and had to get away? Or was she not far away so she could visit? I understand postpartum depression is common but there can be psychotic components, a different diagnosis which is rare. I am not judging her. I am curious. I just know he got a live in nanny after she moved, prolly planned it before she moved? I didn't really ask. She is 3hrs away Link to post Share on other sites
AnotherSadSong Posted July 8, 2015 Share Posted July 8, 2015 I just know he got a live in nanny after she moved, prolly planned it before she moved? I didn't really ask. She is 3hrs away I guess we are different or maybe I am weird, but I would have left no stone unturned knowing every last detail of their situation. I know you are going to go through a lot of depression and pain and I wish you the best. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author DevastateHeartbroken Posted July 8, 2015 Author Share Posted July 8, 2015 I guess we are different or maybe I am weird, but I would have left no stone unturned knowing every last detail of their situation. I know you are going to go through a lot of depression and pain and I wish you the best. I know... I always wanted every bit if details, but I told myself that was too much asking, too nosy? Would he even want to talk about it? I don't know what I was thinking, besides he was everything I was looking for in a guy. He asked me a couple of times what I think about him having a kid, am I okay with it. I told him, of course yes. So should I even reply to him to his last text something like Good Luck or best wishes?? I feel betrayed right now but not mad or angry at him. Maybe just mad at myself for giving him the 2nd chance to hurt me, although he said he was hurt the first time I broke up with him. Link to post Share on other sites
nikki76 Posted July 8, 2015 Share Posted July 8, 2015 You know the old saying, if you love something set it free.. I can't imagine how much pain you are in, but you have to let him go. Find a great support system to help you through this hard time. Even if he did come back, say a few months from now....whose to say that his wife won't break down again and he leaves you in the dust, only to be broken hearted all over again. As hard as it will be, you need to let this man go be with his family. They need him right now. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author DevastateHeartbroken Posted July 8, 2015 Author Share Posted July 8, 2015 You know the old saying, if you love something set it free.. I can't imagine how much pain you are in, but you have to let him go. Find a great support system to help you through this hard time. Even if he did come back, say a few months from now....whose to say that his wife won't break down again and he leaves you in the dust, only to be broken hearted all over again. As hard as it will be, you need to let this man go be with his family. They need him right now. I'm not trying to get him back now. I'm just in a bit of disbelief of the turn of events. Within 1 day just when I thought I had him, I just lost him completely. I'm in pain, no one knows about my situation as I don't usually talk about any of my relationships to anyone. Link to post Share on other sites
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