We are trying again but how can I make her cut the friend she cheated on me with out?

[Dylanice]

Was in a 4 year relationship that was long distance. The troubles really started when I was working full time and we saw each other less and less and any problems did not have the time to be fixed. There were plans to move in but they were delayed and she lost hope I was moving and I guess I did not do enough to prove my commitment.

 

Little did I know that her lodger who is a friend of hers had advanced on her and she did cheat. I did not make her feel loved enough or wanted enough and she believed we were over. She called it off because of the guilt and I did not find out anything until 5 months later. I had still been fighting for her and discovered the truth by accident by coming across something written down...

 

I can accept responsibility for where the relationship was failing but I won't take responsibility for her cheating. For some reason we are trying slowly to give it another go but there is one huge obstical... The person who she cheated on me with.

 

Slimeball opportunist who said that it was only ever sex and says they stayed friends the whole time, although I know for her she was confused on her feelings for him. Why slimeball? Well he would emotionally comfort her in bed with cuddles and company after we argued. Was then having sex with another girl proving for him it really was just sex.

 

He has moved out now and is a fair distance away but I have told the girlfriend that the only way were going to work is if she cuts him out completely but she is fighting it saying what's a few emails going to hurt with such distance and that he is still a really good friend. He was very good at emotional support... She still thanks him for making her a happier person but is failing to see that if she is serious about us working she has to cut him off otherwise he is a constant reminder.

 

I will walk if she insists contact continues between them but I really don't want to. What more can I do to get him out of the picture completely so we can attempt to rebuild?

 

Thanks in advance

[No Limit]

Sorry but the fact that she wants to stay around guys who basically admit they only use her for sex should be red flag enough for you to get running away from this situation. Someone who is so easily manipulated never makes a good partner. 'A shoulder to cry on is a dick to ride on'

 

Find someone with better self-esteem and who isn't looking for excuses to cheat.

She could have always told you how she felt but instead she told her f-buddy, and now she wants to keep in touch for future hookups.

 

 

You can do better than this.

[pidgeon1010]

You are absolutely right. If she is serious about the relationship and moving forward, she would cut off all contact with him. The fact that she is fighting this raises red flags. There is nothing you can do to get him out of the picture completely (nothing legal, anyways). This is something she must do and I also think she should want to, without any pushing from you. I don't know if this relationship is going to stand the test of time (and this dude).

[Mrin]

What No Limit just said.

 

Real simple: dude is completely out of her life or the relationship ends. Ask her to imagine if the tables were turned and it was you who cheated and wanted to stay in contact with the other woman.

 

The fact that she can't do this on her own raises grave questions about her view of fidelity and boundaries.

 

Honestly bro, if it were me I would dump her without even issuing the ultimatum. Life is too short to spend it loving people who can't love you back with the same degree of devotion and respect.

[Dylanice]

Sorry but the fact that she wants to stay around guys who basically admit they only use her for sex should be red flag enough for you to get running away from this situation. Someone who is so easily manipulated never makes a good partner. 'A shoulder to cry on is a dick to ride on'

 

Find someone with better self-esteem and who isn't looking for excuses to cheat.

She could have always told you how she felt but instead she told her f-buddy, and now she wants to keep in touch for future hookups.

 

 

You can do better than this.

 

I'm not saying your wrong but this is the only time she has ever cheated so don't believe she is looking for any excuse. That said she should have ended it with me before any stupid hook up.

 

If it was a pattern I would never have even stuck around. I can buy it was stupid and perhaps forgive but you are right if she keeps in contact I would be paranoid it was for another hook up.

 

Confused as anything part of me screams you have a totally ****ing valid point the other half finds me defending the situation

[d0nnivain]

You can't get him out of the picture. That is a choice only she can make. If she choses to keep him you have to decide whether you can tolerate that or if it's time to get a GF who doesn't cheat & who respects your feelings more.

[lolablue17]

Reverse the picture. Stop demanding anything from her.

 

1. Stop seeing her Without notifying, without explaining her anything.

2. Only after few days, tell her that she was very convincing... she is right - "what's a few emails going to hurt with such distance and that he is still a really good friend".

 

She is now allowed to have unlimited Emails to anyone she wants, But you don't want to see her anymore. Bye bye! You have no demands. Now she will be the one who must prove you she wants you.

 

1. If she is not trying enough - It means she doesn't want you enough.

2. If she swears she will never be in contact with him - now you can decide.

 

If i were you i wouldn't trust this. The very fact that she is fighting to maintain contact with him, should make you walk away even if she gives up now.

 

A relationship that based on the fact that OM is temporary physically distant, is a wrong relationship.

Edited July 8, 2015 by lolablue17

[Friskyone4u]

Your girlfriend is still emotionally hooked on this guy and you can keep making excuses but when everyone here is telling you the same thing in different words they are probably right.

 

You stated she only cheated once. Isn't that enough for you?????

 

Because you can take it to the bank that if you do not tell her either she is done with this guy or she is done with you, it will happen again. And you will have set the stage for it.

 

You do not reconcile a relationship and stay in contact and "friends" with your affair partner. He was a :friend: before he banged her, right.

 

So what has changed.

Time for you to wake up. She is not in a fog, you are right now

[Dylanice]

I really appreciate the advice and the time taken to offer it. I had not anticipated such a landslide of the same response but perhaps your right that the writing should be on the wall.

 

As to if I end it or not I can promise that I would definitely walk away if she insists contact but I do have to consider walking away properly over the next few weeks.

 

Like I say really thank you for the time and effort with your advice its not going to be ignored.

[No Limit]

I'm not saying your wrong but this is the only time she has ever cheated so don't believe she is looking for any excuse. That said she should have ended it with me before any stupid hook up.

 

If it was a pattern I would never have even stuck around. I can buy it was stupid and perhaps forgive but you are right if she keeps in contact I would be paranoid it was for another hook up.

 

Confused as anything part of me screams you have a totally ****ing valid point the other half finds me defending the situation

 

Just because it hasn't become a pattern yet doesn't mean it won't become a pattern in the future. So many people who end up having affairs never thought they were actually capable of doing it - and your GF is just too naive to see the writing on the walls because she thinks of him as "just a friend".

[Friskyone4u]

As to if I end it or not I can promise that I would definitely walk away if she insists contact but I do have to consider walking away properly over the next few weeks.

 

 

Dylanice

 

You do not have to do anything but not sure what walking away properly means. Was her banging this guy and staying in contact with him proper.

She has already told you she ain't breaking having him as a "friend" and what is going to happen is when you put your foot down she will lie to you, tell you she will get rid of him, and then go underground.

 

So if you stay with her, be prepared to either be in CIA mode for a long time or get blindsided again.

 

if she was committed to you, your request would be something she would do on her own to keep you as hers.