I HATE sleeping in his ex-wife's bed!!!

[Amyjk]

My fiance and I are getting married this September. It's our second marriage for both of us. For the most part our relationship is wonderful and we rarely fight!! There is one problem however that's eating at me! My fiance lives 3 hours away in another state and I'll be moving away from my family and friends and from my home (that I love) to live with him in his home, that up until a year ago he shared with his ex-wife of 13 yrs. I agreed to the move because he has a great job. I didn't say anything until just recently, because I know he loves his house. But I hate it!! It needs extensive work and it's too small! I thought that it would be a good idea to move into a new home, that we picked out together, where there are no memories of his ex. He doesn't want to and thinks I'm being silly and immature.

 

I also have had to sleep in their bed, in her spot, sleeping on their bedding when I visit him and he sees nothing wrong with that. He says he's washed the sheets so it shouldn't bother me. I've finally convinced him to buy a new bed and mattress before we get married , but he gave me a hard time about it and thinks it's a waste of money. Am I wrong or am I right?? It's bad enough to have to live in his ex-wife's house, but to have to sleep in her bed too?? GROSS!!! I think it's a bad omen and it's making me have second thoughts! I'd appreciate any opinions!! Thanks!!

[Karlise13]

I'm not married but I've been in a long term relationship and have slept in the same bed my BF's ex slept in.

 

Thing is, he as between jobs when I moved in and I was just out of grad school and not making a ton of money.

 

if I spent time dwelling on what had been done in that bed prior to my meeting him, I could probably just as easily have decided to be turned off and repulsed.

 

Sometimes you don't get the 'luxury' of being disgusted when money is tight. You kind of shrug it off and deal with it.

 

It really is a luxury to dislike the house and furniture because quite frankly, there are people who are happy to have ANY house and ANY furniture. They even shop at Goodwill for used undies because they can't afford better.

 

Personally, I think you're indulging yourself and in doing, making your aversions to the bed even worse. It's something you CAN come to grips with if you look at the cold hard facts;

 

He is divorced from her. They had a past but now it's over.

 

He is married to you.

 

The bed is an inanimate object with no memories. It's a hunk of wood and a pile of fabric.

 

Try looking at it with humour. As for the house itself, you can paint, wallpaper, decorate. Do lots of things to make it YOURS.

 

Good luck

[RecordProducer]

I must admit I would have EXACTLY the same feelings as you, but objectively it's stupid. It's just a bed. You mind the place she slept at in his heart. But he is yours now and loves you not her. It IS a waste of money to buy another bed. If my fiance said something like that to me (what you told him) I would go crazy. Imagine that the situation was reverse, would you buy a new house?

[quankanne]

He says he's washed the sheets so it shouldn't bother me

 

gee Amy, I'll bet he EVEN used Clorox to get her cooties out, too, right?

 

as wasteful as this sounds, I've got to throw my vote in with yours, it's just expecting too much to be complacent about sleeping in my husband's former lover/SO/wife's bed. and if he can't see YOUR side of things, he's not being very compassionate, even if he doesn't like the idea of waste.

 

strike a compromise: if you are expected to live in a house that you feel will not meet your future needs, then you have a preferential option to remodel/renovate/enlarge the place and he gets no squawking privileges when you come up with a suitable plan. You shouldn't have to be stuck doing something YOU don't like just because HE doesn't want to hear it.

 

my sister moved into her BF's house, and he promised that when they married, she could fix it up anyway she liked (think dark, dank bachelor pad). Well, everytime she wanted to replace a broken appliance, he had a fit. When she wanted to renovate the kitchen to suit her tastes (basically a paint job and wallpaper on two walls), he had a cow. When she asked my husband to help her paint the den and put in a tile floor, her husband derailed the whole project, and it sat half-completed for three months before he finally 'gave permission' for her to finish. She's still battling an annual Flooding of the Commodes because he's too cheap to replay the clay pipes that run from the bathrooms to the sewerline! I could go on and on, but you get the picture: your guy is going to need to have an open mind about improvements on the place if he expects you to "happily" live there.

 

as for you being silly and immature, no, you're not really – you have valid concerns whether he agrees with you or not. He'll figure out soon enough that "if mama ain't happy, ain't NObody happy!"

[Craig]

It really is just a bed and like some other posters have said getting a new one IS just a waste of money. It's time to accept that your man has been married and to another woman at that! Next time your kissing his lips remember that these are the same lips that kissed his ex-wife and a whole lot of other stuff.

[Amyjk]

Thanks for your comments! Believe me I know where my fiance's lips have been and I've accepted it! Even though the bed is an inanimate object...it's the principal of the thing. He made love to her on that bed for many years. I even found some of her sex toys in the night stand next to the bed. Talk about a constant reminder. I just recently convinced my fiance to take down the wall plack that hangs above the fireplace in the bedroom with their names on it. I think I've been a pretty good sport about the whole thing. I feel like I'm living in her shadow. Maybe its too soon. It's only been a year since they've divorced. I've been divorced for 8yrs.

 

It's not a matter of money either...he makes plenty of money and can afford a new bed and house. I'm bringing my 3 teenage children to live there, and there's only 1 bathroom and the house is totally outdated and depressing (dark paneling etc)!

 

It would probably be cheaper just to buy a new and bigger house than fix this one up. I'm giving up alot by moving away. I'd think the least he could do is try to understand my point of view. Maybe it's a male thing, huh Craig?? He has agreed to my helping decorate his house...but it's going to be a huge undertaking. By the way...I didn't tell him I hated his house, I merely suggested looking at bigger and newer homes to accomodate our family

and that wouldn't require all this work. Thanks again!

[Craig]

If you have the money it would probably be an easier transition for you both to move to a larger more up to date house. A new house for your new life together.

 

As far as it being a male thing Amy I doubt that it is though I'm sure anyone could find any number of people to agree that it is. When I moved into my wife's house, the one that she shared with her ex-h, I didn't like the thought that she had shared so much time with him there. There was the bed that they shared and it bugged me for a while. I didn't think it was fair or reasonable to make an issue out of it and I didn't even mention it. After a couple months I never thought about it again.

[quankanne]

I didn't like the thought that she had shared so much time with him there.

 

the point is, would your wife have made you feel selfish if you had raised the question, or tell you that you're being "silly and immature"? Or would she tried to find a compromise because she understood that it raised uncomfortable thoughts or feelings?

 

again, I don't think it's unreasonable for someone to bring up the issue if it really bugs them – just kind of mean to be told that those feelings aren't credible because the other person doesn't have a problem with it.

 

sorry, I just don't like when compromise isn't a solution, or when it's given grudgingly, even if it's not personally affecting me.

[XNemesisX]

Amyjk I see your point. I would be uncomfortable too. Your comfort level about living in this house, and sleeping in this bed should be taken seriously. Sure, it shouldn't mean anything but it does - to you! And that is what is important here. Why can't you find a different house together? You don't like this house! (or is it just because of who used to live there? )

 

Sale the bed, bedding, and furniture on ebay and buy new. You deserve to get those reminders away from you and he should freakin respect it. You don't want to be mentally tormented in your new marriage.

[Mz. Pixie]

Yeah, I agree- if you can afford it at ALL, at least insist on a new bed and mattress.

 

Luckily for me, my bf did this after his exwife moved out! He also redecorated the bedroom just like he wanted it- and he has great taste!

 

I think because of the fact that you only have one bathroom, it's unrealistic for him to think you can all live there. My bf has four bedrooms and two baths but he thinks we need a bigger house for our three kids we have together!

[Craig]

Originally posted by quankanne

I didn't like the thought that she had shared so much time with him there.

 

the point is, would your wife have made you feel selfish if you had raised the question, or tell you that you're being "silly and immature"? Or would she tried to find a compromise because she understood that it raised uncomfortable thoughts or feelings?

Quankanne you raise a good point. At that moment I didn't believe it necessary to raise the issue and thought that if I had she might have been receptive to replacing the bed. My point was that it's just a bed, an inanimate object--the only significance it has is what I or you or anyone gives it.

 

I re-read Amyjk post and I still think the bed is just a bed however her husband to be may be uncompromising and that could be a red flag. I can only expect that if it's like this now it will only get worse. Amyjk is moving to be with him in his house. The laws where she is moving might say that the house would be her husbands separate property, so even though they'll be married she'll be living in his house. It appears that she is giving up way more than he is and possibly getting into a situation where no or few mutually agreeable solutions to challenges will exist.

 

It's possible that Amyjk's fiance' isn't aware or doesn't understand that while he is just having his new wife move in to his house that his wife will essentially be giving up everything to move there to be with him.

 

Shouldn't these things be sorted out prior to getting married?

[RecordProducer]

Amy, I married a man who had a wife before me. I was very jealous of her in the first few months and this woman was dead and she was my friend (not a close one) and she was a wonderful woman who I adored previously, because I didn't have anything to do with him romantically while she was alive.

It will go away, trust me! Just keep it silent and don't let it ruin your mood now. You will laugh at this after a few months. Plus once you start living together you'll have other problems with him (just like any marriage has) and you'll think "poor his ex-wife!"

[Cecelius]

Would it really be that big a deal for him to acquire a new bed? She's moving to his area.

 

I spend a lot of time at my g/fs house that she owned formerly with her ex bf, and I'm fine with that, but I have no plans to live in it.

 

Most dudes could understand this issue if they compared it to undergarnments their g/fs have that might have been around during previous administrations. She doesn't have to run out and buy all new stuff, but replacing it in due course is only polite.

[me again]

Originally posted by Craig

It really is just a bed and like some other posters have said getting a new one IS just a waste of money. It's time to accept that your man has been married and to another woman at that! Next time your kissing his lips remember that these are the same lips that kissed his ex-wife and a whole lot of other stuff.

 

Totally agree. Come on - your not highschool virgins, your adults and with that either comes baggage or at least 5 people other then you sleeping next to your man in his bed.

 

It's like this...its a bed.

 

You have sex with him, you kiss him, she did too, are you going to nix those things too? See? Enjoy your man, don't cause un nedded issues.

[manders_01]

Even though you are moving into "his house", it is going to be "your home". Although he has lived there for many years, he must realize that it's not his alone anymore.

 

I think this goes beyond a new bed - you are trying to create a new life together and he seems to be holding on to his old one. Not necessarily his ex-wife, but the habits that he had with her.

[jmargel]

This is coming from someone on your soon to be husband's point of view. I was engaged and lived with her for 2 years when I bought my house. We didn't work out and broke up. I met someone new, who is now my wife. When she moved in I asked her if knowing that my ex was here bothered her. She said not really. What she did was go through the house with a spring cleaning and getting rid of alot of stuff that I didn't need. She even found some old bras of my ex pushed back in the closet. I had no clue they were there. She just made a joke about how big her tits must've been since she was a D-size.

 

As for the bed my wife has never mentioned anything. Do I fantasize or think back when my ex lived here? No way. My present and future is with my wife only. Would I buy a new bed just for the fact that my wife didn't want to sleep in the same one my ex did? Like your fiancee, I would probably agree to it after putting up a fuss. Beds are expensive and if the current one is good why throw it out? Sounds like a jealously issue. If your fiancee moved in with you and he wanted you to get rid of your bed, etc.. would you?

 

He is with you now, he's marrying you. Unless other issues have popped up that have made you uncomfortable I see this more as a "you" problem than his.

 

If you think back and wonder what they did in this bed, this room, etc.. then you are driving yourself nuts and you are letting her get into your head. Do you really want to ruin one of the best experiences of your life by driving yourself insane?

 

Instead of thinking of it as what they did, think of what you have now and what she doesn't. Think about what she's going to miss out for the rest of her life.

 

As for the toys and the sign above the bed with her name on it, he should have gotten rid of that a very long time ago. I would be more concerned about that than the bed.

[FolderWife]

[FolderWife]

 

My husband had just bought a new bed with a pillow top mattress a few months before we met. He'd had a one night stand with some girl in that bed.

 

Well, when we got engaged, I told him that I wanted him to buy a new bed! He said I was being nuts, because the bed was brand new.

 

I said, "Well, we'll use mine." His argument was that his was nicer. So after several debates, I agreed to simply flip the mattress over hey...I may have to sleep in the same bed as some girl he had sex with, but I didn't have to sleep on the same SIDE!

 

Now...two years later...I don't even think about it well...that is until someone like you brings up a similar situation

[maja]

It is not a pleasant situation, but what I would suggest is that if you can't buy a new house or a new bed at this point, why don't you re-arrange everything. Maybe move your current bedroom to a different room, buy new sheets, add new accessories, basically do a whole new makeover of the house. I'm sure you will feel much much better and comftarble after. When I moved in with my boyfriend, I also came across a lot of girlie things his ex left behind, and I threw everything away, added my things, changed the deco around and now it's my home. I actually never thought about the bed situation. Do a makeover and you'll see the difference.....

[pretyangel]

Absolutely NOT! I have never heard of anything so morbit. I feel that you should not move into that house! Both of you should find your own home! I know I would not move into an ex's house never mind sleeping in that bed!

 

Good Luck!