I'm getting more sexually frustrated and thinking of proposing

[Robert Z]

Man, this is a wise question!

 

 

I agree. If it were me, I would tell her that I'm not getting married unless I know we are sexually compatible. And that isn't going to happen without sex. And I agree that she probably has hidden issues that are driving this.

 

 

OP, if you are ready to be married, then you are ready to man up and stop letting her take advantage of you. It will only get about a thousand times worse after marriage if you don't put an end to this now.

[oldshirt]

I agree. If it were me, I would tell her that I'm not getting married unless I know we are sexually compatible. And that isn't going to happen without sex.

.

 

The problem is anyone can act like a porn star for a night.

 

If he gives her that as an ultimatum she can screw him every which way but loose for a night or two and since he has never had sex before, it will still be awesome to him and he will be none the wiser.

 

Then once she's on his insurance plan and 401k and her name is on the house, she can turn it off again just as quick.

 

A better sign of how it will be is how she is acting now on a normal day when he isn't bringing anything to her attention.

 

If she is perfectly ok being in a non sexual relationship now and is having no trouble remaining chaste now, then she will have no trouble being in a non sexual marriage.

[spiderowl]

I don't want to be alone. I want to be with a woman in my life and be intimate with her. I want to have kids eventually. Would that be asking too much?

 

Do you think that because of your lack of experience you might not be able to find someone else? Is that the reason you are staying with this woman who seems to be in charge and not really caring about your feelings? Lack of experience does not mean you will be unable to find someone else.

[Simplefellow]

Hey I'm back,

Have been quite thinking about all this lately. Will try talking to her a bit about my needs but have no plans on telling her I'm a virgin in fears that she might not think the same about me.

 

Still reading some of your replies. Just noticed a couple more.

 

Though I'm clearly kind of depressed and feel deeply rejected from all this waiting, if we get married I want her to be with her forever. The only way I would ever consider leaving her is if she cheated. But I trust her.

[Simplefellow]

Do you think that because of your lack of experience you might not be able to find someone else? Is that the reason you are staying with this woman who seems to be in charge and not really caring about your feelings? Lack of experience does not mean you will be unable to find someone else.

Maybe I would find someone else but I think it might take me a longer than the average of outgoing guy that can get dates more easier and have more social skills. I've always been shy around girls. It goes back to my HS years, where I once spoke shortly to a girl I had a crush on but then later on, I found out someone else already asked her out and he happened to be very outgoing. I was going to ask her out but was too shy back then. It happened another time during Senior year with another girl.

[Simplefellow]

So a question for Simplefellow, here is a key for you may have in store for you in the future.

 

- how is she toleration her abstinence?

 

Be honest with yourself here, this is very important. Is she climbing the walls with frustration and having trouble keeping her hands off of you? Is she troubled by her own desires and having trouble maintaining her own chastity? Is she hot for getting it on with you in other ways such as manual or oral sex and is performing those things with enthusiasm and enjoyment?

 

Or does she seem perfectly content and and perfectly OK with not pursuing a sexual component to your relationship?

She seems content and ok with waiting till marriage. It has not gone further than making out and humping into each other in the bed with clothes on.

If she's frustrated then it would be surprising because I don't notice that.

[Simplefellow]

OP, I wonder if you're just anxious to have sex and therefore you choose to stay with her, so that your first experiences will be with someone you're familiar with? If that's the reason, I suggest you either get a one night stand, or a hooker and be done with it.

 

Sorry to all that think the first time needs to be special, but if it's such a big deal to your self esteem, that you want to MARRY the first girl, who is manipulating you even...Then you should go for the unromantic options above.

If I get a hooker and be done with it, I would only be done with sex but end up feeling lonely again with no real woman that's with me, that I can form a family with. That's another reason I have been a virgin at this age. I don't want to be the type that had to pay for pity sex either. I have actually declined someone's suggestion about paying for sex.

 

Thing is even thought I'm sexually frustrated, I always wanted to be one of those guys that had a gf in HS. Paying for sex tells me nothing about how to succeed in forming a relationship. She's not even a woman that wants me, she's just doing her job and I'll be forgotten the day next.

Edited July 11, 2015 by Simplefellow

[Gloria25]

If I get a hooker and be done with it, I would only be done with sex but end up feeling lonely again with no real woman that's with me, that I can form a family with.

 

Thing is, if this girl is manipulating you, you'll have a wife and mother - but you'll be lonely in the marriage if/and when she halts the sex afterwards.

 

But, I guess you are gonna hold onto her cuz you're afraid w/o her you'll never meet anyone else cuz you your high school experiences, late blooming, etc.

 

So, it's like you rather risk being miserable - but have a roommate vs. being lonely.

 

To me, either way you're screwed...well, at least the way you're going about it.

 

BTW, I think people are suggesting the hooker so you can figure out if you really love this chick. Over the years, I've heard people say that men don't think clearly before sex - after sex, they are more clear and I believe that's the case with you. You think she's the best thing that happened to you cuz you're horny. If you release your desires with the hooker, then maybe you'd start looking at your gf more objectively.

 

My nephew had a bad 1st marriage. After it was said and done, he told me in a low voice that he stayed in that bad situation and tried to make it work cuz he thought he couldn't meet anyone else and he was mid 20's. Fast forward it's like 7 years later and he's with a wonderful, new, gf (I love her to death) - he's improved his appearance, has more confidence, etc. So, never say never.

 

Oh side note, my nephew's first wife? She withheld sex during the marriage...when he announced divorce and they separated she miraculously had a sex drive. I told him to stay away from her cuz she's dangerous (and when I use the term "dangerous" I meant it) and he didn't listen to me. Well, as manipulative as she is/was, she knew he came to the apt they shared at a certain time to check his mail and stuff and she made sure there was another guy in the bed with her when normally she would be gone to work. He fought with the guy and thankfully didn't end up dead and/or in jail. And I told him before that incident to stay away from her, cuz he would end up dead, in jail and/or broke and I sadly, I was right.

 

She also got fat and he gained so much weight cuz she didn't cook. She ridiculed him when he was going to the gym and would insult him and say he smells bad when he came from the gym. When he lost his good job at the factory and tried to go on the road to pay for the lovely house they had, she whined about how "lonely" she was and also insulted him when he came home from off the road instead of welcoming him with open arms.

 

Oh, and all she wanted was a baby ASAP...thankfully he has fertility issues. Now she's back by her mum and had a kid by some guy who didn't even bother marrying her. She'll never find a man like my nephew and sure didn't appreciate him when she had him. She thought RLs were all about manipulations and controlling ways. She even threatened suicide during the divorce proceedings.

Edited July 11, 2015 by Gloria25

[kenmore]

Run my friend, she's duping you big time!

[Noirek]

Op, you never answered the question as to "why" she is waiting. That gives a mor of clarity. I think without that people are being judgemental about her. She never lied to him about her past or her waiting. She didn't turn it off and on.

 

And old shirt he said they did dry sex. Plus, you are so very wrong. There are people who go from sexually active to nada because of convictions. And there are thousands of these people who view hand jobs and what nor as wrong before marriage. And it isn't manipulation. It is their convictions. And so the OP needs to clarify "why" she has decided this. Everything else is just harsh and unfounded speculation.

[oldshirt]

Op, you never answered the question as to "why" she is waiting. That gives a mor of clarity. I think without that people are being judgemental about her. She never lied to him about her past or her waiting. She didn't turn it off and on.

 

And old shirt he said they did dry sex. Plus, you are so very wrong. There are people who go from sexually active to nada because of convictions. And there are thousands of these people who view hand jobs and what nor as wrong before marriage. And it isn't manipulation. It is their convictions. And so the OP needs to clarify "why" she has decided this. Everything else is just harsh and unfounded speculation.

 

It may be harsh and unfounded, but it is also probably true.

 

 

The fact that she is fine with their nonsexual relationship is very damming. If she is fine not having sex before marriage, she will be fine with not having sex after marriage. Marriage does not make people horny or sexually attracted to their partner.

[elaine567]

It may be harsh and unfounded, but it is also probably true.

 

The fact that she is fine with their nonsexual relationship is very damming. If she is fine not having sex before marriage, she will be fine with not having sex after marriage. Marriage does not make people horny or sexually attracted to their partner.

 

If she is getting an orgasm from dry humping then she will not be that sexually frustrated.

In my first ever relationship, I used to get an orgasm from dry humping, so it is not impossible.

 

Noirek is correct, this all depends on why she has taken this no sex before marriage position, without that info, some very harsh judgements are being made here.

[veggirl]

I get wanting to wait to "be sure" if you've been promiscuous in the past and regret it, but waiting til marriage when you're not a virgin? Just screams of games to me. I feel bad for you OP, this is a clear cut you should walk away situation but you think you have no other prospects because of....2 bad experiences in HIGH SCHOOL??

[Gloria25]

If she is getting an orgasm from dry humping then she will not be that sexually frustrated.

In my first ever relationship, I used to get an orgasm from dry humping, so it is not impossible.

 

Noirek is correct, this all depends on why she has taken this no sex before marriage position, without that info, some very harsh judgements are being made here.

 

Ok, but if she's getting off from the dry humping and leaving him frustrated (i.e. no oral, manual, even watching him masturbate) then how is she taking care of him? There's ways she can take care of him w/o intercourse.

[elaine567]

Ok, but if she's getting off from the dry humping and leaving him frustrated (i.e. no oral, manual, even watching him masturbate) then how is she taking care of him? There's ways she can take care of him w/o intercourse.

 

Oh, I agree, but that is also down to why she is having the no sex rule, if it is down to some religious reason then satisfying a man is perhaps not allowed...

 

Do not get me wrong, this is not a perfect situation by any manner of means.

A desperate, insecure, horny virgin who feels he has no other option and a woman with sexual "issues" unknown... NOT the ideal basis for a relationship, never-mind a marriage.

[Noirek]

I get wanting to wait to "be sure" if you've been promiscuous in the past and regret it, but waiting til marriage when you're not a virgin? Just screams of games to me. I feel bad for you OP, this is a clear cut you should walk away situation but you think you have no other prospects because of....2 bad experiences in HIGH SCHOOL??

 

People who become religeous or return to it believe "go and sin no more". And sex before marriage is a sin. Virginity has nothing to do with it... Though there are extreme groups who believe virginity can be "spiritually" restored. Past forgiven so present choices made.

 

However, OP still hasn't come back with "why". Maybe he won't.

 

But the harsh people need to remember one thing. She isn't the bad guy. She was up front and honest. If he can't take care of himseld like millions of guys do and wait for marriage then he is in the wrong relationship. She never tricked him or lied to him. And she does not owe him changing her mind.

 

However he shouldn't just marry to have sex. And he shouldn't marry someone he can't even be honest with about his sexual history.

 

And OP, many girls are interested in past sexual history.

[Noirek]

It may be harsh and unfounded, but it is also probably true.

 

 

The fact that she is fine with their nonsexual relationship is very damming. If she is fine not having sex before marriage, she will be fine with not having sex after marriage. Marriage does not make people horny or sexually attracted to their partner.

 

You are just simply wrong. I grew up in religeon. And not having sex before marriage was normal. And the newly married and not so newly married women talked about getting it on after and how wonderful it was. Don't make assumptions about something you are not apart of.

[salparadise]

I myself would not even hesitate to cast this girl aside, but my worldview is obviously disparate relative to the OP's.

 

Simplefellow, listen to what everyone here is telling you- something is really off about this situation. You're contemplating what could be biggest mistake of your life because you feel desperate to get laid. Don't do it.

 

I get that you're inexperienced, wish to get on with your life and don't feel like you have options... but the feeling of not having options is perceptual distortion, and one that you need to fix. It leaves you powerless, and I think she knows it and is manipulating you into proposing marriage. In other words, the power dynamic in the relationship is messed up- she's got you by the short hairs and that is what needs to change.

 

Based on what you've said about her experience, I do not believe that deep religious convictions or commitment to chastity before marriage is the actual motivation. Withholding sex a year into a committed relationship as a unilateral decision is just not something that a reasonable person of either gender would normally accept.

 

If she's willing to use this kind of control to get you to propose, what to you think the chances are that she'll relinquish control, honor your masculinity and engage in a full and active sex life after the wedding? Exactly.

 

Here's the deal. In any negotiation, the power lies with the party who is less desperate and more willing to walk away from the table. The old adage, speak softly and carry a big stick, applies. At the moment, vagina is the big stick.

 

My opinion is that you need to get laid for several reasons, a) you've paid your dues, b) she ain't no damn virgin or teenage debutante, c) if you're contemplating marriage you need to know that you're sexually compatible, d) the carrot and stick bull$hit is emasculating, and you need to fix this assertiveness issue to have any chance at happily ever after.

 

Now, I don't usually think gamesmanship is a good solution, but she playing you like a fiddle and it's time to change the tune. My suggestion would be to back off and destabilize things first, then when you have her attention sit her down and explain a-d above. If it comes to an actual negotiation, tell her that after six months of engaging a fully satisfying physical relationship you will consider marriage. If she says no, you must be willing to walk (and she may try and call you on it).

 

I realize that this is entirely counterintuitive to you, but if you don't fix the assertiveness and control issues first, I don't hold much hope for a happy marriage, so I believe it is worth the risk.

 

And I believe you should actually be ready and willing to walk away if necessary, because that is the only way you're going to end up feeling like a man, and it's far preferable to ending up in a sexless marriage where your needs are not met and you are not lovingly affirmed.

[elaine567]

But the harsh people need to remember one thing. She isn't the bad guy. She was up front and honest. If he can't take care of himself like millions of guys do and wait for marriage then he is in the wrong relationship. She never tricked him or lied to him. And she does not owe him changing her mind.

 

Yes, that is a very good point.

She did not seduce the OP with sexy promises and wild sex, then shut him down unexpectedly.

She has made it clear from day one, her attitude to sex before marriage.

He either accepts that, or he initiates a break-up.

[Gloria25]

Yes, that is a very good point.

She did not seduce the OP with sexy promises and wild sex, then shut him down unexpectedly.

She has made it clear from day one, her attitude to sex before marriage.

He either accepts that, or he initiates a break-up.

 

Well, IMO, the issue here isn't that she is pulling a bait and switch...no, she is not...

 

But, seems like in the 2 months they "dated" she took an assessment of him and figured out that she can pull the "oh, I don't have sex before marriage" card cuz he's horny and lonely.

 

It's one thing for her to have these "convictions"...but, it's another for her to wake up and have these "convictions" after meeting him. Get my drift?

 

I wonder if he ever asked her if this is the first time she put a stop to sex before marriage? That would be an interesting question.

 

We can argue this all day, but IMO, if he still wants to trust her and give her the benefit of a doubt, I say marry her, but put off kids and any serious things (i.e. buying a home in both or their names) until 2-3 years into the marriage to see how the sex goes.

[Lois_Griffin]

I agree. If it were me, I would tell her that I'm not getting married unless I know we are sexually compatible. And that isn't going to happen without sex.

Come on. The guy is a virgin. How would he even know if he's compatible with ANYONE at this point?

[TaraMaiden2]

Come on. The guy is a virgin. How would he even know if he's compatible with ANYONE at this point?

 

Read Robert Z's comment again, Lois.

That's exactly what he's advising the OP to say.

 

I would tell her that I'm not getting married unless I know we are sexually compatible. And that isn't going to happen without sex

[kenmore]

Noirek, I see your point well and of course you're right, but what's fishy to me is that she was OK with sex before and now suddenly with OP she's not? It's something that would help him a lot, but she denies it.

 

Sure, sometimes people have life changing experiences in their lives and it makes their behavior change. The younger or more vulnerable a person is, the more dramatic this effect can be, but it just reeks, sorry.

 

It's more (to me, of course I have no idea like everybody else here) like she's messing with him. A tease, or trying to get something out of him and when things get too close, she'll run (what I think), or maybe just a game. No matter what, my best advice for the OP is to get out fast! If for no other reason, because he's not thinking rationally. No offense OP, but you're thinking with your nuts, not your brain.

 

It's totally up to you how to proceed. You came here looking for advice, you got it. For what it's worth, I think under the current circumstances and without knowing her intention (as Noirek pointed out), asking her to marry you would be the act of a desperate fool. Just don't do it!

 

Ken

[ascendotum]

Come on. The guy is a virgin. How would he even know if he's compatible with ANYONE at this point?

 

Yeh, that's it. I said he should negotiate sex for the engagement period, but as oldshirt said she could easily put on the performance for that to get the ring. I have a few friends and also friends of friends who were not a smash hit with women where their sex life went down hill soon after marriage/house purchase/baby (financial security locked in). Likewise as you say given his lack of experience he may find any sex, even if its lackluster from her effort/enthusiasm or is only occasionally when she is in the mood, he could well see as still really good, compared to what his sex life has been up till now. I feel sorry for him that he has gone without for so long and this woman is his best bet for happiness. I hope this thread has given him strength to want/get more out of life.

[Lois_Griffin]

Read Robert Z's comment again, Lois.

That's exactly what he's advising the OP to say.

LOL.. got it, TaraMaiden.