Forgive or Not? [Updated]

[Hope Shimmers]

You also mentioned "Why him?", that you felt such a connection to him that you've never felt with anyone. Toxic relationships generate a feeling of high chemistry...

 

It wasn't a toxic relationship at first, but yes, I hear you.

 

Thank you for your posts. You remind me so much of me (hopefully that isn't an insult at this point...) but you raise issues that always make me think.

[Southern Sun]

It wasn't a toxic relationship at first, but yes, I hear you.

 

Thank you for your posts. You remind me so much of me (hopefully that isn't an insult at this point...) but you raise issues that always make me think.

 

No way, not an insult at all. The opposite.

[RoseVille]

It wasn't a toxic relationship at first, but yes, I hear you.

 

Thank you for your posts. You remind me so much of me (hopefully that isn't an insult at this point...) but you raise issues that always make me think.

 

How was it not toxic from the beginning? He was married or committed, was he not??

[Hope Shimmers]

How was it not toxic from the beginning? He was married or committed, was he not??

 

He was legally separated from his wife and going through a divorce. They had been living apart for months. I DATED him; that's how it started. He didn't go back to her for 2 years after our relationship started. We had just rented an apartment and I was moving there.

[Hope Shimmers]

i hope it s not a stupid question, but how was your relationship with your father?

i know it seems a clichee, but in my experience (i grew up without one since i was 9) i think my issues have pretty much to do with this fact.

something to think about.

i m sorry if i m out of line here.

 

My parents were married almost 30 years before my dad died suddenly when he had just turned 60. Fifteen years ago. He was a wonderful father - the best ever. I miss him every day.

[Susmay]

Hope,

 

 

I'm a fBW who has reconciled with a fWH. My H behaved abominably towards me during the years he was being unfaithful, just as your MM behaved abominably towards you and no doubt his wife, during his A with you.

 

 

We have reconciled and love each other and we also share a connection that has endured for many years. I have forgiven him but not forgotten.

 

 

One thing I know with absolute certainty is that had he and I parted, and had I eventually got over or come to terms with his horrible treatment of me, and forgiven him then there is no way we would have got back together. This is in spite of our shared history, children, life, love and strong connection.

 

 

I am sometimes sad that I never took the option of splitting up and healing on my own, but if I had I would never ever put that at risk again. While I do really think my H has changed (as your MM might have too), there is a part of me that doesn't 100% trust that, so if I had a choice, as you do, I'd would not do it. The roles may be reversed in some ways but you too would be a woman getting back into a relationship with a man who had previously hurt you very badly.

 

 

My advice would be don't do it, don't put at risk all you've worked for. You would be very similar to a BW sho stays with a cheating husband. It requires a high level of trust that the man will not revert to his old ways. When things go less than well, you will wonder if he really has changed or not and whether you have done the right thing or not. I would never willingly go back to that, if I had managed to get away from it, which of course I never did. I am not saying life is bad or unendurable just that it will never be perfect and infidelity and betrayal leave big scars. Or rather the terrible ways a man has treated his partner (be it BW or OW) leave big scars.

[Hope Shimmers]

Hope,

 

I'm a fBW who has reconciled with a fWH. My H behaved abominably towards me during the years he was being unfaithful, just as your MM behaved abominably towards you and no doubt his wife, during his A with you.

 

We have reconciled and love each other and we also share a connection that has endured for many years. I have forgiven him but not forgotten.

 

One thing I know with absolute certainty is that had he and I parted, and had I eventually got over or come to terms with his horrible treatment of me, and forgiven him then there is no way we would have got back together. This is in spite of our shared history, children, life, love and strong connection.

 

I am sometimes sad that I never took the option of splitting up and healing on my own, but if I had I would never ever put that at risk again. While I do really think my H has changed (as your MM might have too), there is a part of me that doesn't 100% trust that, so if I had a choice, as you do, I'd would not do it. The roles may be reversed in some ways but you too would be a woman getting back into a relationship with a man who had previously hurt you very badly.

 

My advice would be don't do it, don't put at risk all you've worked for. You would be very similar to a BW sho stays with a cheating husband. It requires a high level of trust that the man will not revert to his old ways. When things go less than well, you will wonder if he really has changed or not and whether you have done the right thing or not. I would never willingly go back to that, if I had managed to get away from it, which of course I never did. I am not saying life is bad or unendurable just that it will never be perfect and infidelity and betrayal leave big scars. Or rather the terrible ways a man has treated his partner (be it BW or OW) leave big scars.

 

Thank you.

 

It's the same conclusion I have come to. I could not trust and it's not worth the risk.

[William]

Folks, did a quick review and will remind members to focus on the topic and save the editorial commentary for your private discussions. Here we discuss topics and treat each other with civility and respect. What you do out there in the world LoveShack.org cares not one whit about. What you do here, we care a lot about. Follow the rules or the results occur. Thanks!

[LoveMachine67]

First, I am way LESS vulnerable now than I was earlier this year. I learned some hard lessons about believing and trusting too easily, and ignoring my gut instinct when it was screaming in my ear, and while red flags were flying in every direction. I chose to ignore all of that, which was a huge mistake, and I learned from it. So I am taking that lesson forward and applying it to future potential relationships.

 

 

Hope, I was very proud of you when I read the above, and for me seeing these word written BY YOU, tells me that you have come a long way since we first corresponded. Being on the outside looking in, what may appear to be bashing from some, could also be their version of tough love. Like I, these members know your journey, and the struggles you've encountered along the way.

 

I can tell you that I was concerned initially when I read your post last night as well. However, after our conversation last night, my fears were put to rest when you told me that under no circumstances will you ever get back together with this man. Your decision to refuse any further communications from him is a wise move on your part also.

 

Lastly, forgiveness. As others have advised, if forgiving this man brings you peace, then forgive him. Make sure that you are doing it for your sake and not his. Just be careful that he doesn't use your forgiving him as a ploy to weasel his way back into your life. I've known you for many months now, and I know that you are a strong woman when you need to be. Well, this one of the times that you must be strong, and remain strong.

 

I trust your judgement to do what's best for you. But know there are some out here that will always "have your back".

 

All the best,

 

LM67

[dreamingoftigers]

Thanks so much everyone.

 

I go back and forth regarding if forgiveness is for me vs him, to be honest.

 

But when he has spent so much time talking about our daughter, and just asking about the details, it makes me wonder.

 

He has not asked the question after that, regarding if there is a potential for any kind of relationship with him. The answer is no.

 

I haven't read the thread past this ^ posting.

 

 

If you have a faith, I would say to pray or meditate before deciding whether or not you are willing or able to forgive.

 

 

No point in pushing forgiveness with yourself if you aren't genuinely there.

Or it simply isn't possible.

 

 

I believe that Our Heavenly Father wants us to heal and when we are ready (as part of healing) we forgive.

 

 

If you aren't at that stage of healing yet, then you simply aren't. It doesn't mean that you are "holding a grudge" or "planning revenge" it just means that it still has a hook in you. Somewhat the way that pulling a knife instantly from a stab victim could cause them to bleed out and die. If you don't have the skills to deal with a stab wound, and the VAST majority of us don't, you don't operate on someone!

 

 

Get to where you need to be to heal. Worry less about forgiving or absolving him, and worry more about yourself. I think that you will naturally forgive when you look back and see what a screwed-up person he is. So screwed up that he wasn't there for his own dying child. That's a special kind of screwed-up.

[Hope Shimmers]

I debated about starting another thread, as I don't want William to have to delete another 78 posts. But I wanted to thank people who replied to my thread over the weekend (those that were respectful). I heard what was said. So I hope that this will stay civil.

 

The one thing I could not get over, which someone had pointed out, was why was he asking for details about our daughter NOW. Why now after his divorce? Why not last year, or the year before? Or the year before?

 

I just couldn't get past that.

 

He called this afternoon on his break from work and I almost hit 'decline' but decided I wanted to answer his question. So I told him that although I was going to let go of the anger (for me) that it was not something I could get past and that I need to move forward and leave the past in the past.

 

He was silent for awhile (he just shuts down on the phone when he's thinking), then he said he understood. THEN he made a comment about how his ex-wife was having a really hard time with the divorce... and then stopped.

 

I waited through the pause but he didn't say the words that I mentally inserted in there, which were: "and I probably will need to go back and save her". When that didn't come, I just started laughing.

 

Just f*cking unreal. Like it is supposed to be a coincidence that he said that AFTER I said I was done.

 

God, he was SO not worth wasting most of my 40's on. Why the hell didn't I just move ON years ago. I hope others can maybe learn from this.

 

Anyway, I just wanted to say thanks.

[LoveMachine67]

Peace be with you Hope Shimmers!

[William]

-------This posting relocated due to a merged update from the thread starter-------

 

Final tally, since a member who was moderated suggested I review this thread in some more detail:

 

1. 78 posts deleted

2. 11 sanctions

3. 3 members moderated

4. 2 members recommended for ban

 

Since the thread wandered far afield of the original topic and moderation's analysis of that act placed it squarely on the shoulders of respondents who took first blood in moving away from both topical content and civil and respectful interaction, we'll call this done and thank those members who chose to interact with the thread starter in a civil manner and address the original topic.