Arieswoman Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 The first time I got married I believed I loved that man. I saw him as upright, hardworking, strong moral character, reliable and hard-working. He had a good job and was university educated like me. I made the mistake of not getting to know him properly as it was a LDR. I was brought up in a traditional Protestant family but went against that to marry this man who was an atheist. We were married with a Civil Ceremony. 5 years down the line I realised that he had fooled me/I had fooled myself. He was moody, lazy, mean and selfish - emotionally, sexually, and physically. I told him I wanted changes, and I was no longer prepared to pick up his lazy slack. Instead of knuckling down and working on the marriage he cheated instead, and I divorced him. ------------------------------------------- After 15+ years of being on my own I met my second husband at church. He was single, having been abroad in the military and then looked after elderly parents for years. We married 3 years later in a Church ceremony. We have the same belief system, and the same principles regarding fidelity. We both work and he contributes equally to the household chores. He can cook a basic meal, iron, wash, mend, and hoover. He's optimistic and good humoured. I am very, very lucky to have met him and we are still together. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Phoenician Posted July 11, 2015 Author Share Posted July 11, 2015 Do you live in one of those countries where women are treated like cattle and their needs and desires - emotionally as well as sexually - go unmet? If that's the case, I can see why she's less than ecstatic about having sex with you. Sorry. Seems never went out from the shell u live in … we don't have cattles in Beirut , nor Camels ! The only picture some ppl have is what hollywood draw.. LS is not a place for racism , if your replies continues to be racist and aggressive you will be banned soon . 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Phoenician Posted July 11, 2015 Author Share Posted July 11, 2015 The first time I got married I believed I loved that man. I saw him as upright, hardworking, strong moral character, reliable and hard-working. He had a good job and was university educated like me. I made the mistake of not getting to know him properly as it was a LDR. I was brought up in a traditional Protestant family but went against that to marry this man who was an atheist. We were married with a Civil Ceremony. 5 years down the line I realised that he had fooled me/I had fooled myself. He was moody, lazy, mean and selfish - emotionally, sexually, and physically. I told him I wanted changes, and I was no longer prepared to pick up his lazy slack. Instead of knuckling down and working on the marriage he cheated instead, and I divorced him. ------------------------------------------- After 15+ years of being on my own I met my second husband at church. He was single, having been abroad in the military and then looked after elderly parents for years. We married 3 years later in a Church ceremony. We have the same belief system, and the same principles regarding fidelity. We both work and he contributes equally to the household chores. He can cook a basic meal, iron, wash, mend, and hoover. He's optimistic and good humoured. I am very, very lucky to have met him and we are still together. Sorry for what you have gone through , and happy that u are now with someone who is making you happy . ONe important thing is now getting clearer in my head : compatibility 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted July 11, 2015 Share Posted July 11, 2015 I did it because I met somebody any man would be lucky to have and marriage is important to her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Phoenician Posted July 11, 2015 Author Share Posted July 11, 2015 When I opened this thread it was for a purpose : Identify how successful marriages exists . Being in the middle of a divorce , distorted image of marriage and Venus ; I am now convinced that my next marriage if any , will be based on a very very important base : compatibility . passion , love ( especially the unconditional type) , are just a temporary state and longterm love in a marriage based on them only is an illusion . good marriages lasts not because of love only , it is because the involved believe in vows , have things in common that makes them sacrifice and love . I met recently a couple who are in an open marriage for years , yet they love each other, and they are happy ! at the beginning I didn't understand it , but now I do , they respect each other sexual needs, yet they are aware that they can't meet each other desires … Compatibility doesn't mean that they have same interest, same desires, same hobbies , it means that each partner respect the other person method of thinking , of course the spark is also very necessary but it is not enough . 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted July 11, 2015 Share Posted July 11, 2015 Compatibility doesn't mean that they have same interest, same desires, same hobbies , it means that each partner respect the other person method of thinking , of course the spark is also very necessary but it is not enough . ^^^ Absolutely. I think it's very important to remember that there is no such thing IMO, as a "soulmate". I don't believe that any one person can fulfill all your needs, and if you look to them to do that you are putting a terrific burden on them. And you will also be disappointed! If you can find someone who meets the majority of your needs, you can then find ways of fulfilling your unmet needs in a way that's not threatening to the relationship. My second husband isn't university educated, and he's not an intellectual. So if I want high-brow conversation I have friends I can meet up with and kick ideas around with. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted July 11, 2015 Share Posted July 11, 2015 We got married because we were in love. We did not wait until marriage for sex, nor did we have religious ideals driving us, nor anything like unplanned pregnancy or anything like that. We just were in love and wanted to be together forever. We ended up lasting 15 years, but not forever. It was a good run. I live in the US so divorce is not frowned upon as much as in the middle east. (although no one loves it here either) Link to post Share on other sites
Giggle Posted July 11, 2015 Share Posted July 11, 2015 I loved him. I got pregnant after he proposed and I was thinking of leaving. I then was torn apart at the thought of splitting them up.. My unborn child and father.. He proposed mostly because he'd decided I'd make a good army wife. I'd always be there, dependable, steady, we were content. It wasn't a high passion relationship. He left 7 years later for a high passion relationship Next one.. Seems to be everything. Chemistry, compatible, loved my kids and was awesome with them... I didn't know him long enough and he was a compulsive liar. Between wanting that dad for my kids cause their dad was never around and seemed to be all around a great guy.. That signing that piece of paper would get me an additional $7k in tax return, why the hell not. He was already living with me. He is an all around good guy, just not for me. Hopefully he's kicked his lying habit for this wife #5. Yeah. I was his fourth. Ugh. When I was a teenager I had decided it was a dumb piece of paper. The problem is, like with the military.. If you don't have that piece of paper, you are nothing. That piece of paper gets you health care, and access to post. That piece of paper gives you rights..legal rights to make decision if something should happen to them. Link to post Share on other sites
SSJROMANCE Posted July 11, 2015 Share Posted July 11, 2015 We got married because her friends held a gun to my head and said marry our friend or get a round between your eyes. So I had no choice. As I suspected it's not working out. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
2.50 a gallon Posted July 14, 2015 Share Posted July 14, 2015 (edited) I was the oldest and the only one of a dozen grandchildren who could pass on the family name. At age 21 my 3 year younger sister married at age 18, and from then I got a lot of family pressure, mom, grandma, uncles and aunts, to marry and start a family. As the years went on the pressure grew, at age 26 I finally met the right gal, got engaged a year or so later, but the both of us faced some family hostility, as she was Hispanic. My family got over it, but her older sister never did. I refused to set a date, until we, or she solved her problem with her sister. After a couple of years of waiting for me to agree to set the date, my fiancé broke off the engagement. I was then approaching my 30's, grandparents are getting older, and getting more frustrated that I had yet to pass on the family name. Me I enjoyed my bachelor life, and did not want to give it up. Finally at age 35, I had long been living with this gal a good 10 years younger. She was total fold out material. It was because of me she went back to college and got her degree. After she got her degree, she flat said, she got her degree for me and us, and now it was time for me to step up and fulfill my end of the bargain and get married. My thought was if I have to chose just one for the rest of my life, why not hitch up with the prettiest and sexiest one of the flock. On our wedding day, I did not love her until I saw this goddess walking down the aisle to take her vows with me. At that moment I fell totally in love with her, I could have a family, picket fence, kids, the whole 9 yards. Alas, it did not last long, I caught her cheating 6 months later, and swore I would never marry again. Thirty-five years later I have still kept that promise. Edited July 14, 2015 by 2.50 a gallon Link to post Share on other sites
Ursa Posted July 14, 2015 Share Posted July 14, 2015 We were in love, we were best friends. We were intimate as well as passionate, and we were compatible. I suppose I married in part for security, but I don't just mean financial security--the security of being in a family, raising children and growing old with someone who you trust, who will always be on your team. Neither my husband or I are religious, we weren't brainwashed into thinking marriage is the only option, we were in our 30s when we met and had plenty of time to travel and sow our wild oats--we had both had previous serious relationships, we both knew how life worked, and we chose this, chose to be together. We've hit rough patches, and life has sometimes been stressful--the last couple of years we've hit several stressful points with problems with work, our children, etc., and I was so grateful I wasn't going through it alone, but had him by my side--even when the stress was taking its' toll on our relationship as well, we got counseling and stuck through it together. Now we're going through an upswing, everything is looking rosy, and I'm glad I have him to share it with and I appreciate the hard work he put in alongside me to help us all get here as a family. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Phoenician Posted July 14, 2015 Author Share Posted July 14, 2015 the biggest mistake is that Men marry women assuming that they will change , women marry and expect that their man will never change Marriage is not a failing institution ; we are causing the failure by marrying incompatible partners . Link to post Share on other sites
BetheButterfly Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 In my country and the middle east area ; majority of Men including my self get married because : -they want sex, kids and women who listen more than talk ; when they marry everything seems to be met at the begining ,then Puff : sex,the care provider ,and listener stop giving (mine took 15 month) ... also majority of Women gets married mainly for security and an unconditional love provider , of course also benefits , within few years the husband -(I changed after 15 years ) - becomes the opposite version of what they want . How far is this also happening in The western community ? The Western community is very diverse. I got married to my awesome husband because I love God, and I agree with Jesus' words concerning marriage: " “Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’[Genesis 1:27] and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’[Genesis 2:24]? So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.” - Matthew 19:4-6 (NIV) I got married to my awesome husband because I love my husband and he loves me and we decided to enter a covenant together for sex, security, companionship, and to build a family if God wills. I got married to my awesome husband because I believe God brought us together, like God brought Isaac and Rebekah together though not like their beautiful love story. Peace 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Radu Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 at the beginning I didn't understand it , but now I do , they respect each other sexual needs, yet they are aware that they can't meet each other desires … Compatibility doesn't mean that they have same interest, same desires, same hobbies , it means that each partner respect the other person method of thinking , of course the spark is also very necessary but it is not enough . Or, it could be that they meet each other's sexual needs, but they choose to be adventureaus. The important thing is that they communicate, they talk and they genuinely want to be with each other and do thing for the other. Link to post Share on other sites
Radu Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 the biggest mistake is that Men marry women assuming that they will change , women marry and expect that their man will never change Marriage is not a failing institution ; we are causing the failure by marrying incompatible partners . My mom used to say the same thing, but in reverse. Men marry thinking their wives won't change, and women marry thinking that their men will change. My parents were married for close to 30yrs, together for 32 when my dad died. That was almost 5yrs ago, and my mom has absolutely no desire to find someone else. My uncles/aunts are similar in long term marriages. PS: <--- Eastern Europe here. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 the biggest mistake is that Men marry women assuming that they will change , women marry and expect that their man will never change Sorry, you have got it totally wrong, the quote actually is:- “Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.” ― Albert Einstein 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 In my country and the middle east area ; majority of Men including my self get married because : -they want sex, kids and women who listen more than talk ; when they marry everything seems to be met at the begining ,then Puff : sex,the care provider ,and listener stop giving (mine took 15 month) I guess that is where you went totally wrong. Women do not want to listen more than talk, they do not want to be silent whilst the man does the talking, they do not want to be the giver and receive little back. Women need emotional connection, so they want a man to listen to them, whilst they do the talking too - two way street. Without emotional connection, women are not invested and once they are not invested, sex is out the window and resentment builds. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Radu Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 (edited) Sorry, you have got it totally wrong, the quote actually is:- “Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.” ― Albert Einstein On a side-note, it's great to see that ppl are finally accepting the superiority of nihilism when it comes to marital bliss. Edited July 15, 2015 by Radu 2 Link to post Share on other sites
cerridwen Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 We were in love, we were best friends. We were intimate as well as passionate, and we were compatible. I suppose I married in part for security, but I don't just mean financial security--the security of being in a family, raising children and growing old with someone who you trust, who will always be on your team. Neither my husband or I are religious, we weren't brainwashed into thinking marriage is the only option, we were in our 30s when we met and had plenty of time to travel and sow our wild oats--we had both had previous serious relationships, we both knew how life worked, and we chose this, chose to be together. We've hit rough patches, and life has sometimes been stressful--the last couple of years we've hit several stressful points with problems with work, our children, etc., and I was so grateful I wasn't going through it alone, but had him by my side--even when the stress was taking its' toll on our relationship as well, we got counseling and stuck through it together. Now we're going through an upswing, everything is looking rosy, and I'm glad I have him to share it with and I appreciate the hard work he put in alongside me to help us all get here as a family. :love::love: I have always loved reading about your courtship and marriage. Glad to hear things are on the upswing, lovely. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
WasOtherWoman Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 I got married because my husband is traditional (despite our relationship beginning as an affair). Don't get me wrong, I was and still am, head-over-heels in love with this man. But, he wanted to marry me in order to insure that he could take care of me and protect me and have me enjoy all of the privileges that being his wife would give me. The independent part of me balked, marriage was not important to me, and because i am very accustomed to taking care of myself, but it was lovely that the man i loved felt that way about me. So - I did. Nearly fifteen years ago now, but I am happier than I could ever have imagined and have a better life than anyone on the planet, I think. Link to post Share on other sites
Rejected Rosebud Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 LS is not a place for racism , if your replies continues to be racist and aggressive you will be banned soon . I don't think that was really racist phoenician, you are the one who brought up cultural differences between the east and the west and I don't think anybody can deny that in many middle eastern cultures women are the property of their husbands or dads so I think that was ok to ask. I am engaged, why are we getting married, since we really would be OK with living together forever and not making it "legal" but on a spiritual and social level ... we really want to stand up before God, our loved ones and even the government and make a public commitment! That means alot to both of us!! :love: For sure neither one is looking for financial security or listening more than talking or regular sex access (we already have it) out of getting married though, we are in love with each other as PEOPLE and aren't into needing to do traditional gender roles at all. So that's why. We're really excited and feel like super lucky people too!!! :love: Link to post Share on other sites
georgia girl Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 Like others have said, I got married because I wanted to be a family with my husband, my best friend and my lover. Like Got It, I didn't need financial security nor a spouse to help "define me." I knew who I was, I knew what I wanted out of life and I was incredibly content being single. I got married because what my husband and I could build together - a life that's more than what we could achieve alone - became impossible to deny. My husband and I had a bit of a wild ride to the altar, however. While we were casually dating for just over a year, he had a serious training accident on his bicycle. He had to be flown from the accident scene to a tertiary hospital and as his girlfriend, I had to drive nearly two hours without information on whether he was alive or dead. I realized I loved him and I realized that somewhere along the line, my life had changed and he had become the most important person in it. He learned the same things. The first time we ever said "I love you" to each other was when I got to the emergency room and they were wheeling him into emergency surgery. We healed together. It took months. At the same time, we kept building our lives together. Nearly two years to the day, we got married. That accident shaped me and us. We're not together because my husband crashed, but somehow through the crash, life got redefined. We don't sweat the small stuff. We are both here and both healthy. We have more than any two people should ever be given. I'm grateful and we are so appreciative of each other. That's why I got married. For me, it's not just the love of my life, its the life we were always meant to live. Link to post Share on other sites
Clockwork Posted July 24, 2015 Share Posted July 24, 2015 I got married because I loved my wife and I wanted to prove it. It is just what you do when you love someone and don't want to let them go and don't want to be without them. I got married because she was the best girl I ever knew. Link to post Share on other sites
jason115 Posted August 13, 2015 Share Posted August 13, 2015 (edited) I got married because my career had stalled in my mid 30's and my wife, who was in the same business as me only higher up offered to help me get ahead. I was not in love with her or sexually attracted but my career was very important to me. My job is something I've wanted to do since I was a little kid. So I married her. I became very successful but the marriage has been sexless for 20 years because I can't get aroused by her. I do miss sex and try to get it outside the marriage (with not much luck over the years) but other than the lack of sex things are pretty good. People ask how could you marry someone you didn't love. For me the answer is simple. I had been dating women for 15 years before I got married and I never once fell in love. So I just figured it wasn't in the cards for me. I was heading toward 40 years old so I figured it was never going to happen anyway so might as well have a great career and make a lot of money which is what happened. I guess some people can have their cake and eat it too but I just wasn't lucky that way. Edited August 13, 2015 by jason115 Link to post Share on other sites
jay1983 Posted August 13, 2015 Share Posted August 13, 2015 I don't think that was really racist phoenician, you are the one who brought up cultural differences between the east and the west and I don't think anybody can deny that in many middle eastern cultures women are the property of their husbands or dads so I think that was ok to ask. : That's an ugly stereotypical generalization. That's like saying it's no secret western women are gold digging skanks. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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