Not so smart

[backandforth]

I'm about 4 months post-breakup, and 3 months NC (apart from a few breadcrumbs she threw my way). I thought I was doing well, I was dating (currently seeing a fantastically hot, smart girl who REALLY likes me), looking after myself physically, great new career prospects. Then I don't know what happened, a wave of grief washed over me. Crying every few days, thinking about her all the time.

 

I completely broke NC, told her that I've missed her and that I'll

always love her. These things are true. One thing I've come to realise since the breakup is that I truly won't love anyone the way I loved her, it's just not possible, I don't have the physical/mental capacity to do that again.

 

Our breakup wasn't nasty, but it was heart-wrenching on both sides. You can read my story if you want. I dunno, I feel like I messed up pretty bad in breaking NC, but in some ways I knew it was inevitable. I just miss my friend so much.

 

Any words of advice to help me through this awful time would be appreciated.

[Ariess10]

I agree I think we love people in different ways, I'm 32 been through some breakups here and there , but I think this was my first real love.. So ya it's never gonna feel like that again with someone new.. But you will love again in a different way you'll fine a friend in someone your dating in a different way.. Nobody is the same, things don't stay the same, things will never be the same .. It's life it's how it goes nothing you can do about it

[Satu]

Healing isn't a linear process, it has ups and downs.

 

Keep on with your health - seeking behaviours, and you'll come out of the other side of this.

 

After your healing, you WILL be able to love again.

 

That's guaranteed by nature.

[15Love]

How did she respond to you contacting her and telling her that stuff?

[backandforth]

No response yet. The last I'd heard from her she'd told me she was upset that I and my family had deleted her from Facebook. I replied by reiterating my need to heal. As for my family, I had nothing to do with that. She seemed to think I was badmouthing her to them or something. I didn't even know about that, I'd never said a bad word about her to anyone. In fact, they also miss her a great deal.

 

Ariess10, I'm 37. I've had quite a few relationships (even been married), but the loss of this one hurts the most by far. She really was the love of my life. I know I won't get this feeling again, and that's the truly sad part.

[Satu]

 

Ariess10, I'm 37. I've had quite a few relationships (even been married), but the loss of this one hurts the most by far. She really was the love of my life. *I know I won't get this feeling again, and that's the truly sad part.

 

No. You don't know that. You don't know what the future will be.

 

Be mindful of what you say to yourself.

 

 

Take care.

[backandforth]

No. You don't know that. You don't know what the future will be.

 

Be mindful of what you say to yourself.

 

 

Take care.

 

Thanks Satu, I know that I can't know, and that it sounds totally hyperbolic. I can't explain what I'm feeling; detachment, loss, grief. I know I will love again but I can't shake the feeling that it won't ever be the same for me. Not after this. I'm mourning for what could have been and it's tearing me up.

[Ronni_W]

I know I will love again but I can't shake the feeling that it won't ever be the same for me.

And it's fine if it's not the same "ever again". It leaves room for it getting EVEN BETTER, in the future. In any case. It's okay - and (hopefully) inevitable - that we mature in ALL our views and expectations, INCLUDING about love and love relationships.

I dunno, I feel like I messed up pretty bad in breaking NC,

No, you didn't. You followed some "inner prompting" of what you needed to do AT THAT TIME. It's all a bonus cos it's all just more experience (learning about self) for you. Next time...you'll do something different; or maybe, you'll do the same thing. Point is, you didn't do something so seriously messed up that the whole of you, or the whole of the rest of your life, is so messed up that you cannot recover.

 

Break-ups suck. You are doing just fine!

 

Hugs, and best of luck.

[backandforth]

Break-ups suck. You are doing just fine!

 

Hugs, and best of luck.

 

Thanks for the kind words Ronni, they mean a lot right now. I thought I was doing just fine but I don't think I am. I'm back in full-on grieving mode and I have no idea why.

[Yummm]

You set yourself back when you broke NC, that's all.

 

It's just a blip, it will pass and the next time a blip happens it will be less painful.

 

This should also teach you a lesson how not to act on emotions when you feel weak! Breaking NC generally leads to more pain!

 

Sending positive energy your way xo

[15Love]

I thought I was doing just fine but I don't think I am. I'm back in full-on grieving mode and I have no idea why.

 

Don't be hard on yourself. It's def normal after breaking NC. It's always worse, that's why everyone screams DON'T DO IT!!

 

Next time come talk to us before you reach out. This place really helps.

[backandforth]

Feel a little better this morning. Now I'm thinking that I've done what I've done and I can't change anything, I've told her how I feel and I meant what I said.

 

I'm gonna be moving overseas for work in about a month, about halfway between my home country and hers. Before we parted ways she said she would come visit me there one day. When I broke NC a few days ago I said that I still hoped she would visit me.

 

So I'm just gonna hope to see her again one day, but I'll try not to dwell on it and get on with my life the same way I've been trying to do for the last 4 months.