Does it turn you off if the guy puts the ball in your court?

[Male]

Men do most of the approaching when it comes to dating. Some men will chase women more than others. Some women like to drag out the chase, some women dont.

 

Some men will make 1 attempt, and then put the ball in her court, letting her make the decision.

 

Example: John asks Mary if she'd like to grab a drink Wednesday after work. Mary declines, stating she has other plans and cant make it. So instead of John asking again, and trying to schedule a different day he tells Mary "No problem, hit me up this weekend if you would like to get together"

 

If you are a woman, and you do like the guy, would that turn you off if the guy put it all on you now to make plans and call him?

 

How many women still insist on it being "the guys job" to contact you again even though you were the one that had to recant due to your schedule?

[d0nnivain]

To me that is a standard negotiation. I'd be more annoyed if the guy went through every day of the week trying to get me to say yes. After suggesting a possible date & time, if one person has a scheduling conflict I firmly believe the onus is on that person to suggest an alternate time. It's not a gender / date thing either. It applies to most interactions: friends, business meetings, family etc.

[Male]

if one person has a scheduling conflict I firmly believe the onus is on that person to suggest an alternate time. It's not a gender / date thing either. It applies to most interactions: friends, business meetings, family etc.

 

 

You would think it would be a "given", yet in my experience, most women assume I'm supposed to keep asking over and over.

[eye of the storm]

You would think it would be a "given", yet in my experience, most women assume I'm supposed to keep asking over and over.

 

You are assuming what they assume.

 

Women are like men. Some are honorable, some are not. Some are lazy some are not. Some are entitled some are not. Some are forward thinking community minded and some are not.

 

When I start thinking an entire subset of a population are a certain way, I realize that maybe I am letting my preconceptions possibly get in the way of seeing them as they truly are. Because I think "they" will act in a specific manner I instinctively put all their actions in that category. I start assuming their motives.

 

Remember assume makes an a$$ out of u and me

[TaraMaiden2]

This happened on many occasions while I was dating, and it worked both ways; sometimes we'd set a date/time, and I couldn't make it, but I always got back to my date, to revise a new time/date.

 

Occasionally, when a date was set, he would bail, with a reason, but always came up with an alternative.

 

It's called courtesy.

If you're repeatedly not getting courtesy, ask yourself, why.

[hudson701]

To me that is a standard negotiation. I'd be more annoyed if the guy went through every day of the week trying to get me to say yes. After suggesting a possible date & time, if one person has a scheduling conflict I firmly believe the onus is on that person to suggest an alternate time. It's not a gender / date thing either. It applies to most interactions: friends, business meetings, family etc.

 

You make an excellent point, but sadly, in real life, out there in the field with hot girls, this doesn't happen. And why? Because there's 5 more suitors waiting around the corner if the current man who is pursuing shows any signs of apathy whatsoever.

[preraph]

If it was done just like you say, it wouldn't bother me in the least. As long as the man has asked for a specific date, the woman has said she's busy, then it's time to put the ball in her court (because for one thing, she may just be saying she's busy but really just not interested). If she is interested, I don't see why she would hesitate to just contact you and not ask YOU out, but just say, Hey, I have some time the end of this week if you want to get together.

[Male]

You make an excellent point, but sadly, in real life, out there in the field with hot girls, this doesn't happen. And why? Because there's 5 more suitors waiting around the corner if the current man who is pursuing shows any signs of apathy whatsoever.

 

We can preach about this till the day we die, but theres just not enough people that believe its true since they havent experienced it themselves first hand. Most people think we are just "whining" if we bring this up. Or we get labeled as having no confidence if we dare voice our opinion on the negative actions of these women.

 

I keep saying it over and over...online dating sites, dating apps, and social media are allowing women that utilize them to become more picky, and more superficial. Its pretty much like going to an online store for them, and paging through the men till she finds exactly what she likes. And if that guy doesnt put up with her behavior, then she has a bunch more on the back burner.

 

Its the same exact situation where you have 2 men growing up....

 

One of the guys is very attractive and has all the qualities women want.

 

The other guy is average looking, and has a less attractive body.

 

More times than not, the attractive guy grows up learning that he does not have to work very hard at all to get a date. He can have a piss poor attitude, and use women over and over, and yet he still gets dates.

 

The less attractive guy learns that he has to work on his personality, and present himself in a manner that women like, and enjoy spending time with him.

 

This is exactly what is happening online, but because there are sooo many men flooding the pool, its now happening to many, many more women, instead of just the very attractive ones. Regular, average women, that few men noticed in the past, as getting 50 messages a week, which teaches them that they can now ignore guys on their same level, and reach for guys that were once out of their league.

 

Manners, respect, and common courtesy are all getting thrown out the window.

Edited July 9, 2015 by Male

[spiderowl]

Men do most of the approaching when it comes to dating. Some men will chase women more than others. Some women like to drag out the chase, some women dont.

 

Some men will make 1 attempt, and then put the ball in her court, letting her make the decision.

 

Example: John asks Mary if she'd like to grab a drink Wednesday after work. Mary declines, stating she has other plans and cant make it. So instead of John asking again, and trying to schedule a different day he tells Mary "No problem, hit me up this weekend if you would like to get together"

 

If you are a woman, and you do like the guy, would that turn you off if the guy put it all on you now to make plans and call him?

 

How many women still insist on it being "the guys job" to contact you again even though you were the one that had to recant due to your schedule?

 

 

Yes, it would completely put me off. If I can't make it one time, then I'd rather he suggested another time that could be worked out with me rather than imposed. If he just says contact me, then I wouldn't. I want to feel wanted and his attitude says he will only do the minimum.

[Timshel]

Yes, it would completely put me off. If I can't make it one time, then I'd rather he suggested another time that could be worked out with me rather than imposed. If he just says contact me, then I wouldn't. I want to feel wanted and his attitude says he will only do the minimum.

 

Me too. If I couldn't make that day I would say 'but I'd love to get together another time.'

I would let him know I'm interested but in the beginning, I wouldn't call him to ask.

[Male]

Yes, it would completely put me off. If I can't make it one time, then I'd rather he suggested another time that could be worked out with me rather than imposed. If he just says contact me, then I wouldn't. I want to feel wanted and his attitude says he will only do the minimum.

 

 

I thank you for your honesty. And I believe there are many women that feel the same way as you.

 

But at the point of just getting to know someone, why at that stage are you so special? I'm not saying you arent, but how does a guy know you are either way?

 

At that stage a guy doesnt know if the woman is blowing him off, or is truly busy. It's a huge grey area when it comes to how much effort should a man put into pursuing vs too much effort and wasting his time on a woman that is wishy-washy.

 

I dont think women really even consider how their actions appear to a man when he's trying to get a date with her. Do women just assume a guy should blindly chase her because in her mind she thinks shes all that? How does he know what your worth is? How do you know whether or not the last 3 women strung him along for weeks, or kept him at bay on the back-burner?

 

I've cut ties with many women that I tried to get a date with because of this very situation. And I know other guys on here have as well. I will never know if I passed up a great woman that was strong and independent, insisting that I needed to chase her or a woman that was lackadaisical in her communication. Because from my point of view it comes across the same.

Edited July 9, 2015 by Male

[spiderowl]

"But at the point of just getting to know someone, why at that stage are you so special? I'm not saying you arent, but how does a guy know you are either way?"

 

Very true, he doesn't know and maybe I'm not. It's not particularly rational: it's more about him being male and taking the initiative. I know that we live in liberated times and there are no 'rules' now, but I also know that in nature generally the male takes the initiative and tries several times before he gives up. Not that I'd expect someone to keep on trying in the face of constant rejection - that would not be sensible - but I like to feel he is at least a bit resilient. It's a primitive instinct. I'm physically weaker than a male so I would rather be with one capable of protecting me, even if it's never needed. Someone easily scared off is not demonstrating that stronger presence.

 

As for the special bit, I don't know. He could give the woman the benefit of the doubt if she can't make a meeting once. Twice is very doubtful, could be bad luck. Three times and he really should give up. Actually, some men like the challenge and work even harder if they are put off. I'm not suggesting anyone should do that but a male should be aware perhaps that other males will do this and that women can get a bit blase about putting men off, knowing that many will still make another attempt.

 

"At that stage a guy doesnt know if the woman is blowing him off, or is truly busy. It's a huge grey area when it comes to how much effort should a man put into pursuing vs too much effort and wasting his time on a woman that is wishy-washy."

 

If she's being friendly and has a good reason, then anyone deserves a second chance. A third chance, no I don't think so unless you are absolutely madly in love with her, in which case I suppose it might be worth risking all. If she's blowing him off, she will avoid getting close and will always maintain a certain distance even if friends.

 

"I dont think women really even consider how their actions appear to a man when he's trying to get a date with her. Do women just assume a guy should blindly chase her because in her mind she thinks shes all that? How does he know what your worth is? How do you know whether or not the last 3 women strung him along for weeks, or kept him at bay on the back-burner?"

 

When younger, I didn't give it a second chance. It was a question of guys pursuing and me deciding whether I wanted them or not. I was oblivious to their feelings mostly. If I avoided them and they persisted, I saw it as their fault and not mine if I had to reject them. I know it wasn't very sensitive of me. I don't think it's about what the woman feels about herself at all or how she values herself, it's about whether she is attracted to him or not. I personally did not feel confident or attractive. In fact I did not understand why guys pursued me out of the blue. It was scary! I did know whether I was attracted to THEM or not. That is different. Best not to assume a woman thinks she's special. Many women lack confidence in their attractiveness in this hyper-critical society. Get to know her a bit first, don't just go for looks. That way you'll know what she's worth to you.

 

"I've cut ties with many women that I tried to get a date with because of this very situation. And I know other guys on here have as well. I will never know if I passed up a great woman that was strong and independent, insisting that I needed to chase her or a woman that was lackadaisical in her communication. Because from my point of view it comes across the same."

 

I'm assuming you don't know these women at all, because it would be best to get to know them as people a bit first rather than go straight to a date. If you are approaching women you don't know at all well, then you might be moving too fast. You need to break down barriers gradually not all at once. For example, saying hello, then a bit later offering a drink, or standing and chatting briefly and then returning a bit later to chat. If you do it all at once without giving her chance to get used to you and see you as a decent character, she will be more likely to say no. In the past, I had guys come up to me in the street, saying hello and trying to talk to me. I wondered what they were selling and moved to get away. It turned out they were trying to ask me for a date. It was just plain scary and I wanted to get away as quickly as possible. Some of them were nice looking too! We are more likely to trust someone we've got to know a bit first.

Edited July 11, 2015 by spiderowl

[preraph]

If I want the ball in my court, I'll put the ball in my court myself. Just makes me think the guy is being passive-aggressive and yanking my chain. Meanwhile, I'm off the chain and off down the road to someone else.

[angel.eyes]

It's not that it's offensive. You're just throwing up hurdles to dating you while others are doing the exact opposite. Of course, I'll go for the guy who's enthusiastic about dating me, makes it clear that he's very interested, and makes it very easy for me to date him. I'm emotionally healthy. Why would I ever opt for the guy who's signaling that he's going to be a project, passive-aggressive, and/or difficult to date?

 

Besides, a guy who is confident enough to go for what he wants is just way more attractive. Simples.

[angel.eyes]

I thank you for your honesty. And I believe there are many women that feel the same way as you.

 

But at the point of just getting to know someone, why at that stage are you so special? I'm not saying you arent, but how does a guy know you are either way?

 

At that stage a guy doesnt know if the woman is blowing him off, or is truly busy. It's a huge grey area when it comes to how much effort should a man put into pursuing vs too much effort and wasting his time on a woman that is wishy-washy.

 

I dont think women really even consider how their actions appear to a man when he's trying to get a date with her. Do women just assume a guy should blindly chase her because in her mind she thinks shes all that? How does he know what your worth is? How do you know whether or not the last 3 women strung him along for weeks, or kept him at bay on the back-burner?

 

I've cut ties with many women that I tried to get a date with because of this very situation. And I know other guys on here have as well. I will never know if I passed up a great woman that was strong and independent, insisting that I needed to chase her or a woman that was lackadaisical in her communication. Because from my point of view it comes across the same.

That's fine. I certainly don't expect everyone to see me as special. But the guys who date me clearly think I am. They don't just ask my on a date, they put tremendous effort into making it special and memorable, which I genuinely appreciate.

 

Personally, I would rather focus my attention on a guy who sees me as special than one who could "take it or leave it." I really have zero interest in guys who are in the latter category. So it all works out in the end. Our behaviors eliminate the people that wouldn't be a good fit for us. The perfect dating outcome!

[Tayla]

Wow!!sign me up! A gent who offers a date, shows reserve and patience, and then moves along if she doesnt follow up on the offer. Yup dats a good man.,A lady would respect that his time is as valuable as hers. Intrigue has a way to set the back drop for a future date.

Most times The offer should be open to varying time frames... an open offer of hey, if that doesn't work, lets shoot for ( insert time day). You'll usually know if the day comes and go with no thru.

 

But yeah, I got a major issue with aggresive men verses the assertive and free go with the flow style:)