When Children of Divorce Marry

[OldRover]

Thank you for your post. It's a bad problem Babs. He yells, I get quiet and retreat to my bed. He has anger issues and he's aware of them. He's trying hard to change and he has gotten better over the years. I have to give him credit. He has definitively made improvements but it still happens. I love him so much. He's my best friend and a kind, decent man. I've done some stuff in this marriage I'm not proud of and he's forgiven me. I try and forgive him for his yelling but if it hits an emotional cord and I fall into a depression there isn't much I can do but try to get thru it. I do try and be a good wife and I'm motivated to make this marriage work. But if he pushes me too far and I get really depressed I'm going leave him. I don't think that will happen. I hope it won't happen. I don't think I'd handle a divorce very well.

 

Brigit,

 

NO, you won't like divorce and you don't need to go there. It's like someone just reached inside of you and pulled your heart out and stomped on it.... about as bad as losing a kid or a parent. It can be devastating. Been there and don't ever want to do that again.... and mine was easy.

 

You need to be the strong one and give him encouragement so that he will stop getting you depressed and stop beating up on you verbally. You can do it, but would be great if he came to the counseling with you.

 

You can create a loving atmosphere where he will not want to yell at you, but it will take work. Don't give up. It sure sounds like you both love each other and just need a way to make that the most important thing in your lives.

[Brigit_1]

Brigit,

 

NO, you won't like divorce and you don't need to go there. It's like someone just reached inside of you and pulled your heart out and stomped on it.... about as bad as losing a kid or a parent. It can be devastating. Been there and don't ever want to do that again.... and mine was easy.

 

You need to be the strong one and give him encouragement so that he will stop getting you depressed and stop beating up on you verbally. You can do it, but would be great if he came to the counseling with you.

 

You can create a loving atmosphere where he will not want to yell at you, but it will take work. Don't give up. It sure sounds like you both love each other and just need a way to make that the most important thing in your lives.

 

Thank you for your support. I'm so sorry you had to go thru divorce. I'm so attached to my husband that I couldn't see ever leaving him which is why I've been putting up with his temper. I will do my best to create a better atmosphere. I've been listening to marriage programs and they are giving me some guidance.

[Winterina]

Thank you for your post. It's a bad problem Babs. He yells, I get quiet and retreat to my bed. He has anger issues and he's aware of them. He's trying hard to change and he has gotten better over the years. I have to give him credit. He has definitively made improvements but it still happens. I love him so much. He's my best friend and a kind, decent man. I've done some stuff in this marriage I'm not proud of and he's forgiven me. I try and forgive him for his yelling but if it hits an emotional cord and I fall into a depression there isn't much I can do but try to get thru it. I do try and be a good wife and I'm motivated to make this marriage work. But if he pushes me too far and I get really depressed I'm going leave him. I don't think that will happen. I hope it won't happen. I don't think I'd handle a divorce very well.

 

Are you sure he has forgiven you? Who knows where his anger comes from, and often it is from the things from the past, perhaps he sees that person that hurt him sometimes in you and it triggers the anger... I am just guessing. Would you mind sharing what it was as it might be the key for understanding him. If he is kind and decent and your best friend as you say, it makes no sense he would go yelling for no reason...

[Babs22]

My question would be, has he been yelling since the beginning of the marriage? When did the yelling start? Was it after you did the things you were not proud of?

[Brigit_1]

Are you sure he has forgiven you? Who knows where his anger comes from, and often it is from the things from the past, perhaps he sees that person that hurt him sometimes in you and it triggers the anger... I am just guessing. Would you mind sharing what it was as it might be the key for understanding him. If he is kind and decent and your best friend as you say, it makes no sense he would go yelling for no reason...

 

He had temper problem prior to our marriage so he was yelling at me way before I had a chance to do anything stupid.

[Brigit_1]

My question would be, has he been yelling since the beginning of the marriage? When did the yelling start? Was it after you did the things you were not proud of?

 

It was before he even met me. When we were first dating he would yell at his mom for stupid stuff. I'm not an angel but if I died today and he met someone else he'd yell at them.

[OldRover]

Thank you for your support. I'm so sorry you had to go thru divorce. I'm so attached to my husband that I couldn't see ever leaving him which is why I've been putting up with his temper. I will do my best to create a better atmosphere. I've been listening to marriage programs and they are giving me some guidance.

 

You bet you have my support, from what you say you have WAY too much to loose and there's a strong argument to fight for it.

 

I fought for mine for some 20 years and failed, and surprisingly she turned around 1000% and we are happily back together. Ya never know how life treats you, but to go thru the three years that I went thru probably took 10 years off my life, and was extremely stressful. But there's a lot to my story, just hope you don't go there....

 

Keep your head high and WORK for it.....

[oldshirt]

I don't think anyone is doomed to anything. We all have free will and every marriage is unique onto itself.

 

While I know many people will disagree with this opinion but I think people SHOULD go into marriage knowing how divorce works and how to get one should the need arise.

 

I also think the should have strong boundaries and deal breakers in mind and always be in a position where they can pull the ejection handle if a crash is imminent.

 

There were a lot of people in previous generations where people were married for 50 years untill one died but we don't know how many suffered for decades and should've divorced. We don't know how many people were horribly mistreated but remained married because they felt they had no other options.

 

Divorce isnt always a bad thing. For every child that divorce harms, there are probably several that divorce frees.

 

I know many divorced people that admit they are bummed the married didn't work out but that being married ended up being so bad that the divorce was the best thing they did and their actual regret is not doing it sooner. I also know adult children that also wish that their parents had divorced sooner.

 

In days of yore, divorce existed but it only existed in the upper classes - they were the ones that could afford it. The middle and lower classes couldnt afford it.

 

What that did was created a system where only the most horrific marriages with extreme abuse and hostility ended in divorce and everyone was traumatized and bitterness lasted years if not forever.

 

In essence divorce got a bad name.

 

Today people can afford it and most are not damaged or traumatized by it. They may be saddened and inconvenienced, but they aren't broken like in generations that came before us.

[Brigit_1]

Today people can afford it and most are not damaged or traumatized by it. They may be saddened and inconvenienced, but they aren't broken like in generations that came before us.

 

For me, it would be traumatizing. I'm sensitive and need to be mindful of my emotions. Meditation and spiritual talks have helped me regulate my emotions to the point that I'm actually more emotionally stable than most. However, a huge upheaval, like a divorce would probably send me down the rabbit hole. I know myself well. The only reason why I would divorce him is if the yelling got out of hand and I felt it would be better for my mental health to be without him and deal with the divorce.

 

Like I said before...I'm no angel. I got my issues that have nothing to do with him. I'm working on them.

[oldshirt]

So what I am saying is some of these "children of divorce" are experiencing is they have seen marriages break down and/or seen people mistreat each other and then divorce, and then see their parents move on and be happier and healthier after divorce. There for they don't fear it as much as previous generations.

 

They may be more willing to pull the ejection handle sooner because they know it is survivable and they stand a chance at a better life away from their spouse if their spouse is mistreating them.

 

I know some people hate to hear this but leaving a spouse that is abusing, abandoning or cheating on you, or is ruining your life because of their addiction is good role modeling.

 

I have never had to leave my wife for any of those things but I sure as beck want my children to pull the plug on marriage if their spouse does any of those things.

 

Divorce isn't always bad and isn't always something to be feared or avoided. Sometimes it is the best option. Some times it is the only reasonable option.

[oldshirt]

For me, it would be traumatizing. I'm sensitive and need to be mindful of my emotions. Meditation and spiritual talks have helped me regulate my emotions to the point that I'm actually more emotionally stable than most. However, a huge upheaval, like a divorce would probably send me down the rabbit hole. I know myself well. The only reason why I would divorce him is if the yelling got out of hand and I felt it would be better for my mental health to be without him and deal with the divorce.

 

Like I said before...I'm no angel. I got my issues that have nothing to do with him. I'm working on them.

 

Would you be able to work, pay rent, pay bills,eat, feed and clothe the kids and get them to school and put some gas in the car????

 

If the answer is yes, then you aren't broken. You may be saddened and you may be inconvenienced and have some hardships to work out, but you wouldn't be broken and you wouldn't be devastated.

 

In generations passed, people could be broken to the point they couldn't have a roof over their head or feed the kids. Those days are gone for essentially all but the already homeless or near homeless classes.

 

You may cry in your pillow at night for a few weeks but you won't truly sleep out in the rain hungry. Before social services and welfare, many people did.

[Brigit_1]

So what I am saying is some of these "children of divorce" are experiencing is they have seen marriages break down and/or seen people mistreat each other and then divorce, and then see their parents move on and be happier and healthier after divorce. There for they don't fear it as much as previous generations.

 

They may be more willing to pull the ejection handle sooner because they know it is survivable and they stand a chance at a better life away from their spouse if their spouse is mistreating them.

 

I know some people hate to hear this but leaving a spouse that is abusing, abandoning or cheating on you, or is ruining your life because of their addiction is good role modeling.

 

I have never had to leave my wife for any of those things but I sure as beck want my children to pull the plug on marriage if their spouse does any of those things.

 

Divorce isn't always bad and isn't always something to be feared or avoided. Sometimes it is the best option. Some times it is the only reasonable option.

 

I hear what you're saying. I don't think everyone is cut out for marriage. You have to really REALLY want to live with another person and put up with all kinds of things single people don't. I have a friend, she's in her 40's and never married. At this point she's too set in her ways to share her life with someone else in that manner.

 

When marriage is good, it's fantastic. Like a warm blanket that you can cuddle up to and shut out all the monsters. But when it's bad, it's like the monster has you trapped in it's lair and is going to devour your life.

 

I have to take one moment at a time and right now things seem good. I hope they stay that way.

[Brigit_1]

Would you be able to work, pay rent, pay bills,eat, feed and clothe the kids and get them to school and put some gas in the car????

 

If the answer is yes, then you aren't broken.

 

I've never had to support myself so I'm not sure that I'd be able to or not. I've had traditional full-time jobs in the past and I can only handle them for a short period of time. After three months working full-time, I'm burnt. Part-time, I'm OK.

 

I'm good in the house. I manage the money. Everything gets paid on time and the home office is pretty organized. I do all the housework and gardening for the most part. My husband helps with the food shopping and cooking because he loves that stuff. I'm a great housewife. I enjoy the lifestyle. It does get boring because of the repetitiveness of the tasks and the lack of social stimulation but I can deal.

[oldshirt]

 

The only reason why I would divorce him is if the yelling got out of hand and I felt it would be better for my mental health to be without him and deal with the divorce.

 

 

But I think you are touching on the real issue here and that is quality of life. If your quality of life would be better if you were to be alone than with your spouse for whatever reason, then divorce is a reasonable option.

 

And by its very rational, divorce isn't disastrous if it's making our life better.

 

I think it is incumbent on all of us married people to strive to make our spouse's life better with us than without us. If we won't or can't do that, then we have to expect that we could get the ax at any time and we need to get our affairs in order in preparation of such.

[oldshirt]

I've never had to support myself so I'm not sure that I'd be able to or not. I've had traditional full-time jobs in the past and I can only handle them for a short period of time. After three months working full-time, I'm burnt. Part-time, I'm OK.

 

I'm good in the house. I manage the money. Everything gets paid on time and the home office is pretty organized. I do all the housework and gardening for the most part. My husband helps with the food shopping and cooking because he loves that stuff. I'm a great housewife. I enjoy the lifestyle. It does get boring because of the repetitiveness of the tasks and the lack of social stimulation but I can deal.

 

Then read my post above about making sure you make his life better with you than it would be without you.

 

And if you were my daughter I would also be urging you to be working on your job skills and employability.

 

In today's world, people basically need to be going in to marriage with their parachute packed and ready to deploy should the need arise.

 

It's great if a couple is able to work things out to where one can stay home full time with minor children for a few years untill they are all in school, but there is no justification in today's world for an able bodied adult to be completely dependent on someone else indefinitely.

 

That is just setting both people up for a harder fall if things go south.

[Brigit_1]

Then read my post above about making sure you make his life better with you than it would be without you.

 

And if you were my daughter I would also be urging you to be working on your job skills and employability.

 

In today's world, people basically need to be going in to marriage with their parachute packed and ready to deploy should the need arise.

 

It's great if a couple is able to work things out to where one can stay home full time with minor children for a few years untill they are all in school, but there is no justification in today's world for an able bodied adult to be completely dependent on someone else indefinitely.

 

That is just setting both people up for a harder fall if things go south.

 

I've had so many jobs and the stress level is difficult for me. In a pinch I can get work because I'm pretty decent on both the PC and Mac. I have strong writing skills, event planning skills and general office skills but in the long term I made a terrible administrative assistant. The sitting in a chair and answering phones and shuffling paper around gets me very depressed. I was a decent social worker but the job was a bit terrifying at times.

 

Sometimes none of my choices seem good so I just try to get through the day.

[OldRover]

I don't think anyone is doomed to anything. We all have free will and every marriage is unique onto itself.

 

While I know many people will disagree with this opinion but I think people SHOULD go into marriage knowing how divorce works and how to get one should the need arise.

 

I also think the should have strong boundaries and deal breakers in mind and always be in a position where they can pull the ejection handle if a crash is imminent.

 

There were a lot of people in previous generations where people were married for 50 years untill one died but we don't know how many suffered for decades and should've divorced. We don't know how many people were horribly mistreated but remained married because they felt they had no other options.

 

Divorce isnt always a bad thing. For every child that divorce harms, there are probably several that divorce frees.

 

I know many divorced people that admit they are bummed the married didn't work out but that being married ended up being so bad that the divorce was the best thing they did and their actual regret is not doing it sooner. I also know adult children that also wish that their parents had divorced sooner.

 

In days of yore, divorce existed but it only existed in the upper classes - they were the ones that could afford it. The middle and lower classes couldnt afford it.

 

What that did was created a system where only the most horrific marriages with extreme abuse and hostility ended in divorce and everyone was traumatized and bitterness lasted years if not forever.

 

In essence divorce got a bad name.

 

Today people can afford it and most are not damaged or traumatized by it. They may be saddened and inconvenienced, but they aren't broken like in generations that came before us.

 

Old Shirt,

 

I'll respectfully disagree with you.... and not a minor point but a MAJOR point.

 

Divorce is NEVER a good option and is IS a bad name, there is always ramifications that are often way worse to go through that just solving the marital problems.

 

Sure there are a few that it ends up the only option, but still a major issue.

 

I'd argue strongly not to go into marriage with your divorce parachute armed for bailing out... just the WRONG attitude.

 

Now, I've only been thru it once, and mine was fairly easy... but it was about the same as loosing a child. The whole process was traumatic, beyond what I even imagined, and started long before the divorce was in process. The stress, the remorse, the thoughts, the trauma, I could go on and on, and I had GOOD support going thru this. I can't imagine what it would be like without some support.

 

I've had two dear friends go thru this and it was WAY worse than mine. One took TEN years to recover......The other took three years. Both cost them a lot of grief and money. Heck, I had another good friend that went thru this a few years ago.... $200,000 later and unbelievable stress where his business almost failed, he finally got thru and surprising remained friends with his ex.

 

NO divorce is NOT pretty. It has it's tolls in money, emotion, stress, and way more. I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

[No Limit]

Divorce-child and offspring to a deadbeat and a woman with more anxieties than any other person I've met so far who has tendencies towards 'craziness' and a knack for abusive men (= equivalent to 'girl who only likes bad boys'), while simultaneously hating men, neglected me on occasion and let her old MM touch me.

 

While I couldn't be more different in character and personality to my parents, I don't intend to ever marry or commit to anyone. I just don't have this trust in people. A life in peace is all I strive for.

[OldRover]

Divorce-child and offspring to a deadbeat and a woman with more anxieties than any other person I've met so far who has tendencies towards 'craziness' and a knack for abusive men (= equivalent to 'girl who only likes bad boys'), while simultaneously hating men, neglected me on occasion and let her old MM touch me.

 

While I couldn't be more different in character and personality to my parents, I don't intend to ever marry or commit to anyone. I just don't have this trust in people. A life in peace is all I strive for.

 

No Limit,

 

Wow, you do have some issues, and hope you get help with that trust in people. You'll need that to have a happy and fulfilling life. Hope you find it.

[Brigit_1]

Divorce-child and offspring to a deadbeat and a woman with more anxieties than any other person I've met so far who has tendencies towards 'craziness' and a knack for abusive men (= equivalent to 'girl who only likes bad boys'), while simultaneously hating men, neglected me on occasion and let her old MM touch me.

 

While I couldn't be more different in character and personality to my parents, I don't intend to ever marry or commit to anyone. I just don't have this trust in people. A life in peace is all I strive for.

 

Hugs. I can understand your lack of trust in others. Do you still speak to your parents?

[Brigit_1]

The whole process was traumatic, beyond what I even imagined, and started long before the divorce was in process. The stress, the remorse, the thoughts, the trauma, I could go on and on, and I had GOOD support going thru this. I can't imagine what it would be like without some support.

 

NO divorce is NOT pretty. It has it's tolls in money, emotion, stress, and way more. I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

 

This is why I put up with the yelling. To destroy everything we've built would be too much to handle. My mom gets very upset when he yells at me and tells me I can live with her at any time. Knowing that I have another home is comforting but this is my real home. I don't know how people get thru divorce.

[No Limit]

No Limit,

 

Wow, you do have some issues, and hope you get help with that trust in people. You'll need that to have a happy and fulfilling life. Hope you find it.

 

After I'm done with my education. I know I have to address a few issues and work on them but therapy seems to be a pretty energy-draining process, I can't have that while I need this strength for exams. But I'm on a pretty good path already.

 

Hugs. I can understand your lack of trust in others. Do you still speak to your parents?

 

My father attempted to reach out when I was ~16 I think? But I never responded, guess he thought now that I was at the brink of earning money (if only I didn't have ambitions!) so it was the perfect time to "become a family" - ha, not friggin' likely! Besides I have a couple half-siblings he can reach out to. As for my mother, well, I have little choice. I depend on her financially, all other relatives live in the neighbour country and I don't speak the native language so I have nowhere else to go. And even if I didn't need someone to feed me I couldn't just leave her, the chances of her committing suicide if I wasn't around (which she has also said a few times during nervous breakdowns) is too great. But I hope I can at least create some distance when I'm older.

[Brigit_1]

And even if I didn't need someone to feed me I couldn't just leave her, the chances of her committing suicide if I wasn't around (which she has also said a few times during nervous breakdowns) is too great. But I hope I can at least create some distance when I'm older.

 

That's hard having a parent who threatens suicide. I give you credit for helping her even though she wasn't so good to you.

[No Limit]

That's hard having a parent who threatens suicide. I give you credit for helping her even though she wasn't so good to you.

 

She is good to me - not emotionally, but financially (and with her f!cked up background that's okay really). Children who are into buying everything new on the market would love her, in the meantime I keep her from buying whatever crap is advertised on TV.

 

It just makes you realize that when the person who is around the kids screws up, it will affect the next generations. (Besides, my post wasn't supposed to start a pity party - maybe other divorce-kids have their stories to tell. )

[oldshirt]

 

I'd argue strongly not to go into marriage with your divorce parachute armed for bailing out... just the WRONG attitude.

.

.

 

I realize that our overall beliefs and attitudes on divorce are probably to different to agree on much.

 

 

And I will also concede that divorce has a sting for everyone and is truly damaging to a number of others.

 

 

But I will stand fast that people today need to go into marriage with a divorce plan and the ways and means to carry out that plan. People just simply can't afford not to.

 

 

While many people may jump up and down and scream from the rooftops that this will make people more likely to walk away from their spouses and children if the toilet paper roll gets loaded the wrong way, I pretty strongly disagree with that notion.

 

 

I think the more people are prepared and willing and able to divorce, the less likely they are too be mistreated, the less likely they are to be abused, the less likely they are to be financially exploited and the less likely they are to be cheated on.

 

 

And if their spouse is taking the same precautions and have the same attitudes and abilities and resources, the less likely they are to do anything nefarious to their spouse.

 

 

In short, a divorce-ready couple is a polite couple. If you know you are ready, willing and able to divorce and walk away from a spouse that mistreats you, your chances of being in an abusive/exploitive/adulterous marriage is very nil.

 

 

And if you know that your partner is perfectly capable and filing a few papers and walking away from you scot-free with little damage, the less likely you are to mistreat them in any way.

 

 

The ability to initiate, follow through and survive a divorce intact is the new cornerstone of a healthy marriage. Without it, you are just asking for trouble.

 

 

The reason people chronically mistreat their spouse or are serial adulterers or are recalcitrant abusers is because they are confident their spouse won't leave. They know deep down their spouse is either too weak, too scared, too lazy or hold too deep of convictions to leave and there for they will be able to just keep on being $h!thead without any real consequences.

 

 

Couples today need to go into marriage realizing their chances of divorce are at minimum 50-50. If you knew that your chances of getting into a car wreck every time you got behind the wheel, what precautions would you take driving in to work every day?? why should marriage be any different?