Broke up with my girlfriend because of her past. Really need some thoughts!

[dynothe2nd]

I met this girl some time ago, and was foolish enough to idealize her in my mind. She seemed perfect. Perhaps it was her mannerisms, her appearance, or whatever. We ended up dating and one night she told me about her past. She has slept with 10 guys (maybe more) by age 21. I know 4-5 of these guys have been in the context of a relationship, the rest being one night stands. According to her, she was "so drunk having sex with these people, she didn't even know what was going on half the time", and she was numb to the reality that she was making bad choices. Clearly, she does regret it. At the time this string of one night stands occurred, she was going through extreme depression, to the point of cutting herself and binge drinking to blackout levels regularly. The depression had been confirmed by friends of her I've spoke with. Her best friend even went as far to say that she had never in her life seen someone so depressed as my ex during that time. Anyway, when I learned of her past, that image of her (innocent and untouched) I had stupidly built up in my mind was shattered, and I wad beyond heartbroken. I tried for weeks to swallow my feelings and move past it, but I just couldn't and ended up breaking up with her. It still eats at me though. So I need some thoughts please. Was she a slut, a victim, or something in between? Any other thoughts are much appreciated too. Thanks.

[Grumpybutfun]

She dodged a bullet with you, didn't she? Her past was fine...you are a self righteous judgemental fruit loop.

G

[frigginlost]

I met this girl some time ago, and was foolish enough to idealize her in my mind. She seemed perfect. Perhaps it was her mannerisms, her appearance, or whatever. We ended up dating and one night she told me about her past. She has slept with 10 guys (maybe more) by age 21. I know 4-5 of these guys have been in the context of a relationship, the rest being one night stands. According to her, she was "so drunk having sex with these people, she didn't even know what was going on half the time", and she was numb to the reality that she was making bad choices. Clearly, she does regret it. At the time this string of one night stands occurred, she was going through extreme depression, to the point of cutting herself and binge drinking to blackout levels regularly. The depression had been confirmed by friends of her I've spoke with. Her best friend even went as far to say that she had never in her life seen someone so depressed as my ex during that time. Anyway, when I learned of her past, that image of her (innocent and untouched) I had stupidly built up in my mind was shattered, and I wad beyond heartbroken. I tried for weeks to swallow my feelings and move past it, but I just couldn't and ended up breaking up with her. It still eats at me though. So I need some thoughts please. Was she a slut, a victim, or something in between? Any other thoughts are much appreciated too. Thanks.

 

 

Dude, .... seriously?

 

Sorry man, but you absolutely blew it if that is the only reason you dumped her. Sadly, it seems the issue is with you, and not her at all...

 

You should have been around during the late 70's early 80's! Chicks had 10 dudes by lunch time!

 

Seriously though, her past sex life should mean nothing to you...

[Chi townD]

Dude, that was her past. She didn't even know you or that you even existed. Clearly, she is ashamed of her past and she probably would change it if she could.

 

 

But she met you and she dedicated herself to YOU! Let me ask you this. Was she a good girlfriend? Did she treat you right? If you needed someone to pick you up at the train station or airport at 1AM, would she be there? Was she affectionate towards you and always showed that she loved you. Was she proud to have you as her boyfriend? Would she happily do little things for you? Like, it wouldn't be out of character to bake you some cookies or picked you up a little trinket when she was out shopping just because she was thinking of you? Did she always enjoy your company and wanted to be with you because there was no other place in the world she would rather be?

 

 

If any of that rings true, then you screwed up, dude. Her past is her past. It's not a reflection of who she is now! And here's the rub. Those other dudes were just using her. But, she found you and you blew her away. She saw a real man that looked at her as his girl, his partner and his better half. But, she made a mistake. She trusted you enough to talk to you about her past. Because, she respected you enough that she thought you deserved the truth. And you threw her to the curb. You abandoned her.

 

 

Think on that for a while.

Edited July 8, 2015 by Chi townD

[CarrieT]

She seemed perfect. Perhaps it was her mannerisms, her appearance, or whatever.

Did it dawn on you that her mannerisms, appearance, *whatever* and all that was "perfect" in your mind was because of the experiences that has made her who she was?

 

It is rather existential, but - yes - you idealized a past you thought she had without bothering to realize that who she is and the girl you fell in love with was a combination of experiences that included all those things you didn't consider?

 

She is the one who dodged a bullet.

[mightycpa]

Sounds like she was promiscuous, and you're looking for something a little closer to a vestal virgin.

 

I know you're taking a lot of heat in this thread for your decision, but if you can't live with her past, then I won't say you're wrong, and I won't attempt to tell you what values you should live by. Personally, I would have dumped her for the depression and cutting - let someone else deal with that ****, but that's me. I just hope you weren't too specific with her about your reasons when you broke up, because that would have just been hurtful to someone who regrets her behavior. At least she didn't lie to you.

 

Sometimes we want things that we know aren't right for us, but we want them anyway. You tried sucking it up, that didn't work, so now you have to try going without. I think it will resolve itself with time.

[dynothe2nd]

Thanks for the thoughts everybody. Don't get me wrong, I take full ownership for my inability to deal with her past. But after that, everytime I looked at her, all I could see is her being ****faced, letting herself be taken advantage of again. How was I supposed to get that image out of my mind? If I could have snapped my fingers and made it stop bothering me, don't you think I would of? I tried so hard, I really did. I just couldn't, and I know that's my problem.

[elaine567]

Its called retroactive jealousy.

What is Retroactive Jealousy? - Overcoming Retroactive Jealousy - sort yourself out before you date anyone else and mess with their hearts.

 

Most women have a sexual past.

Virgins are not the answer either.

Most virgins, male and female if they end up with their first partner, start to wonder what they have missed out on and end up being unhappy, end up cheating, or split to go find pastures new.

[d0nnivain]

She was something in between. If she was so depressed as to be cutting & self medicating with alcohol she had possibly has real problems. If you can't see your way clear to be supportive of her, leave her be. She doesn't need you making her feel bad about stuff she can't change. If you can't change the way you feel, at least don't stick around & try to punish her.

[Bradt]

I agree,she told you her past because she felt something strong for you and you basicaly threw it in her face.So what is going to happen if you like a girl that have a child? Because in your mind that would mean she is not innocent.

Take it from me,if you like someone,don't let their past be a problem.I had great relationships with girls that had a bad past.We all make mistakes,it's how we learn from these mistakes that matter.

I'm with a girl now that has a child,and I don't care why she and her ex broke up,I told her that. And I have not ever been this connected and happy with any other girl.

Point is...if you like this girl and you really want to date her.Forget about her past and you might end up being a happy man.all the best

[mightycpa]

I don't care why she and her ex broke up

I used to think that way too... it was one of the things I changed my mind about after she broke up with me, and that change has served me quite well.

 

You can't know too much.

[SciFiWriter]

Most likely you've dodged a bullet there. She either has very serious issues or she's trying to rationalise a whole lot of promiscuous behaviour.

 

The best indicator of future behaviour is past behaviour. If she has issues, then she will take a long time to address them. That, if it is true, is up to her. She needs to go through the process and emerge from the other side to know who she truly it and what she truly wants. That may not be you. And, it would be unwise to invest in such an individual.

 

If she is trying to rationalise promiscuous behaviour then she is not (repeat NOT) good relationship material...she will most likely cheat on you and (lo and behold) it will never ever be her fault!!

 

Did she come out clean from day 1 and tell you of her past... or, did it kinda dribble out in a trickle truth kinda way. Did she give the impression that everything was reasonably normal and that she had standards and integrity?

 

Either way - leave her alone and move on with your life.

[SciFiWriter]

I used to think that way too... it was one of the things I changed my mind about after she broke up with me, and that change has served me quite well.

 

You can't know too much.

 

Amen to that.

 

And, don't necessarily consider that her excuse for the break up is genuine. Even Special Little Snowflakes trell fibs. You'd be amazed how quickly and radically the history of a relationship changes when someone gets caught cheating!

[deadelvis]

Most likely you've dodged a bullet there. She either has very serious issues or she's trying to rationalise a whole lot of promiscuous behaviour.

 

The best indicator of future behaviour is past behaviour. If she has issues, then she will take a long time to address them. That, if it is true, is up to her. She needs to go through the process and emerge from the other side to know who she truly it and what she truly wants. That may not be you. And, it would be unwise to invest in such an individual.

 

If she is trying to rationalise promiscuous behaviour then she is not (repeat NOT) good relationship material...she will most likely cheat on you and (lo and behold) it will never ever be her fault!!

 

Did she come out clean from day 1 and tell you of her past... or, did it kinda dribble out in a trickle truth kinda way. Did she give the impression that everything was reasonably normal and that she had standards and integrity?

 

Either way - leave her alone and move on with your life.

 

^^^^this.right.here

[HowMightI-live]

What does her past have to do with you? Geez..

[SciFiWriter]

What does her past have to do with you? Geez..

 

Suppose he/she is a liar, a cheat, a drug addict, has mental health issues, is an alcoholic or a thief?

 

Forgiveness is fine, but take every precaution to protect yourself!

 

Plus, what an individual looks for in partner is a personal choice. People get rejected for all sorts of reasons; too fat; too thin; too short; too tall; not enough money; too low status; wrong type of car; "funny" ears; "wierd" haircut; different musical taste; different political leanings; religious differences; no chemistry yada yada yada.

 

Does that make the rejector 'Wrong'?

 

If someone's preferences run to not wanting someone with a colourful or troubled past, then that's their choice (they then have to acept the consequences of their choice) - it doesn't make them 'wrong'. They may just have different standards and expectations. That's what makes the world go around!

[HowMightI-live]

Suppose he/she is a liar, a cheat, a drug addict, has mental health issues, is an alcoholic or a thief?

 

Forgiveness is fine, but take every precaution to protect yourself!

 

Plus, what an individual looks for in partner is a personal choice. People get rejected for all sorts of reasons; too fat; too thin; too short; too tall; not enough money; too low status; wrong type of car; "funny" ears; "wierd" haircut; different musical taste; different political leanings; religious differences; no chemistry yada yada yada.

 

Does that make the rejector 'Wrong'?

 

If someone's preferences run to not wanting someone with a colourful or troubled past, then that's their choice (they then have to acept the consequences of their choice) - it doesn't make them 'wrong'. They may just have different standards and expectations. That's what makes the world go around!

 

Youre talking about IS, im referring to WAS. Who i was in the past and my past decisions has no affect on the decisions i chose to make today. Who i was in the past should not determine how you view who i am today, he did not know her in the past; he knows her in the present. Furthermore, she did not make those mistakes in the present, she made them in the past. Judge her for who she is, not who she was.

[SciFiWriter]

Youre talking about IS, im referring to WAS. Who i was in the past and my past decisions has no affect on the decisions i chose to make today. Who i was in the past should not determine how you view who i am today, he did not know her in the past; he knows her in the present. Furthermore, she did not make those mistakes in the present, she made them in the past. Judge her for who she is, not who she was.

 

And, when does IS become WAS?

 

When does his past choices run past sell-by date?

 

Who decides on the sell-by date?

 

Who decides which choices are 'acceptable' or 'wrong'?

[TaraMaiden2]

'IS' becomes 'WAS' every second that passes.

 

The past is already here, because the present lasts but a nanosecond...

 

He admits he is judgemental, critical and that he made up an inaccurate image of her.

 

You can decide right or wrong.

But it doesn't mean you are either.

It merely means you've made a personal decision based on your own perceptions, morals and evaluation.

That doesn't mean you're correct or accurate,.

It simply means you have come to a personal decision.

[deadelvis]

So if she lied to me yesterday, then I shouldn't care about it today? Clean start every 30 seconds? Sounds like a terrible idea.

[HowMightI-live]

And, when does IS become WAS?

 

When does his past choices run past sell-by date?

 

Who decides on the sell-by date?

 

Who decides which choices are 'acceptable' or 'wrong'?

 

Im not talking about anyones perception of right and wrong, im merely stating that her past actions should not overshadow her present actions.

If a cheater stops cheating and never cheats again then that person is no longer a cheater but infact, was a cheater. Same goes for a liar or someone that was promiscuous but nolonger is.

[HowMightI-live]

So if she lied to me yesterday, then I shouldn't care about it today? Clean start every 30 seconds? Sounds like a terrible idea.

 

That wasnt my advise. OP clearly stated that she was promiscuous BEFORE he met her.

[TaraMaiden2]

So if she lied to me yesterday, then I shouldn't care about it today?

 

If she shows shame and remorse, why keep beating her up about it?

Some kind of sadistic pleasure, or your problem for not being able to become 'unstuck'....?

 

Clean start every 30 seconds? Sounds like a terrible idea.

You're right. It is.

 

It should be every second.

 

Because every second is neither retrievable, nor predictable.

It is here and now that matters, and ONLY that.

[TaraMaiden2]

That wasnt my advise. OP clearly stated that she was promiscuous BEFORE he met her.

 

No, she stated she was 'promiscuous' but it also sounds very much as if she was "in a bad place".

The OP admits being in the frame of mind he is, is detrimental and ill-advised.

 

If the OP is admitting he is not happy with the way he is viewing things, what's the point of endorsing his attitude....?

[mightycpa]

If a cheater stops cheating and never cheats again then that person is no longer a cheater but infact, was a cheater. Same goes for a liar or someone that was promiscuous but nolonger is.

Yeah, but how do you know?

 

If the "reformed and repentant" child molester offers to babysit your kids for the weekend, do you let him?

 

Sometimes, as a practical matter, you decide to give the past more weight than the present, given what's at stake. It is a personal judgment; there is no right or wrong until sometime after you've given someone a chance to demonstrate the new version of them. There is only assumed risk.

 

But I don't think the OP is worried only about the future. He is worried about the character of someone who engages in behavior (drunkenness) that leads to other behavior (banging a stranger) he finds distasteful multiple times. I suspect it's not the act itself, it is the mentality behind the act in addition to a not completely unreasonable belief that she might do it again. You have to consider what a girl might tell you about her past vs. the God-awful truth.

 

Dude, I took five different guys five weekends in a row, and they were total Chippendales! I never had such a great time in my life!

can sound a whole lot worse than

 

You know, I was so drunk I didn't know what I was doing, and the next thing you know, I did four or five guys that way, I don't even remember exactly... I was in severe depression at the time

if you like the girl. If she likes you, she might opt for the regretful version of the story. We have no idea.

 

If you don't care either way, then it's not an issue. But if you do care, then it is a matter of trust, and that can be a difficult thing to do for someone you don't know that well. Anyway, he did the right thing for him, but she haunts him, and now he's maybe second-guessing his decision, with the awful knowledge that it bothers his heart, if not his mind.

 

Is she a slut? A victim? A girl with youthful indiscretions in her past? We don't know. I'm not sure what we can tell him that's helpful in any way.