Trial Divorce...

[Clueless53]

So after one month of complete hell my W and I are going to try a trial divorce.

 

I'm sure that sounds ridiculus but its where I am at.

 

Over the last two weeks we have flipped from getting divorced and trying to make things work almost every other day.

 

The last two times I told my W I cannot take it anymore, I need to be able to move on with my life. I told her I wanted to move on with the divorce. Both times I did she would drag her feet and put things on me saying I'm not giving her the time she needs to make a decision. We would talk about things, which is me talking 90% of the time and only getting answers like "I don't know", "sure", or "whatever". After the talk we would agree we would try things the right way, actually work on us and spend time together, her not being able to talk to or date any other guys (If you read my other posts that was a huge issue), etc. Then the next day she would go back to normal, telling me she doesn't know if we will work things out, she doesn't know if there is already too much hurt, blah blah blah. We would go back to moving to divorce, wash rinse repeat.

 

Last night I had enough! She told me she only sees a future without me, she can't see a future with us together. I told her fine, I'm not waiting for you. I told her that her saying she doesn't know if she wants to be with me is the same as saying she doesn't. I told her I can't continue to love someone that doesn't love me. I told her I'm not waiting for her to decide if being alone is better then being with me, I'm not going to wait for her while she sees if anyone better comes along, I told her I wanted to divorce.

 

And again, guess what happens.... All of a sudden all of this is my fault, I'm not giving her time, I'm not listening, blah blah blah. I'm over this!

 

I love my wife, I want to spend the rest of my life with her, but I can't play games anymore. I asked her what does she need to make a decision. She said a "real separation" which meant zero contact and complete freedom. I told her she was asking for a "trial divorce".

 

I said fine, if that's what you need OK. We agreed to one month and then we will re-evaluate our situation. But I made sure she completely understood what this meant.

 

 

Zero contact means zero contact, no texts, phone calls, emails.

 

I asked her if she wanted to date anyone else, she said no, I asked if she would be open to the idea, she said maybe. I said that's fine, but I get the same freedom. I am free to start to move on, of course she took this as I want to date or sleep with another woman, I told her it was that I was going to stop focusing on our past and start to move on with my future alone. If something presents itself I don't know what I'll do but I have the freedom to make my own choice without fear of losing my wife.

 

I told her she doesn't get to ask me for any favors or help. If she wants to see if she can do this alone, then she has to be alone.

 

At this point I'm not doing this to help or save my marriage, I'm doing this to move on with my life. I don't care if she wants me back or not, honestly part of me hopes that at the end of this "trial divorce" she will tell me she wants me back, only so I can tell her I moved on.

 

I'm tired of living in limbo, to me it feels like she just been playing games with me. I don't think any part of her really wants to work things out, I think she has just been buying herself time to get herself ready.

 

I'm not waiting for her anymore, I don't care what choice she makes.

 

As far as I'm concerned my marriage is already over. But at least now I have closure and the ability to move on with my life.

 

I don't have to think about her anymore.

 

****** As I was typing this post she has already texted me asking me to help her with a financial aid application for school. I'm not texting her back! So much for zero contact ******

 

 

**** Wow, I didn't text her back and in the 5 minutes following her text she has now called 5 times!!!!!!! ****

[Satu]

Stick to your guns.

 

Don't back down.

 

 

Take care.

[Mrin]

Don't answer her.

[Clueless53]

When we were supposedly "working" on our marriage she ignored me constantly, karma is a bitch lol

 

I sent her a text asking our bank info to pay some bills, never answered her questions. She gave me the info and asked her questions again. I have no plans on responding.

 

I'm over her games. I'm not going to let her suck me into all this again.

 

My marriage is over, and after the last month, I'm actually happy about it.

[Mr. Lucky]

I asked her what does she need to make a decision. She said a "real separation" which meant zero contact and complete freedom.

 

You probably don't need me to point out the contradiction in wanting to completely eliminate contact with you while deciding if she wants to be with you. Were I considering a move to Paris, don't think most people would advise me to decide by avoiding European travel entirely.

 

Separation is a test of a life apart. Whether or not she wants to be honest about it, that's what she's asking for...

 

Mr. Lucky

[unrequitedluv]

sometimes when we initiated a contact we were being ignored or detest on...

 

Like you say karma is a bitch...

 

when we decided no contact at all we in turn to get spam and messages from the other party =.=

 

anyway I feel that you done good. keep it that way....

we never know what is going to happen in future...

[Mrin]

Hey brother. Can I make a suggestion?

 

While you're in your 1 month trial divorce, I suggest you do this:

 

1. Pick activity that you don't do and go do it. Try yoga. Or a boot camp or crossfit if you don't already have a gym routine. Or buy a road bike and go biking.

 

2. Each week do one social event. Not with friends per se, but look up something on meetup.com and go do it. Something new. Something outside your normal routine.

 

Here's the thing. I'm a brain guy so I am going to explain it from a brain perspective. Thoughts, concepts, knowledge in our brain are neural networks. Essentially synaptic connections between neurons. Right now you have a really big one called "Your Wife". It is firing, a lot. You have a new one forming next to Your Wife called Trial Divorce. And it is being burnt into your brain because you're firing those neurons all the time. Moreover, you're firing those neurons and experiencing a whole cocktail of heightened emotions. Those two networks are taking up a tremendous amount of time in your brain. That's why you can't get them out of your head. They're like recursive subroutines running over and over. That's the bad news.

 

Here's the good news. The brain loves to build new s***. Like LOVES to do it. So, by going out and doing new social activities (via meetup) and exploring a new activity (like yoga), you're going to redirect your brain to start building those new networks. There is this thing called neuralpasticity. Basically, think of it as a law of finite resources. If you're building new networks you brain can't do that AND burn in/develop the networks of Your Wife and Trial Divorce at the same time. Remember, your brain LOVES to build new s***. So what will happen is that your brain will go about building these new networks and spend less time working on/reinforcing the Your Wife and Trail Divorce networks.

 

You don't have to even like this new activity or these meet ups. You can hate them and it will still work because "hate them" is a heightened emotion which means your brain is going to spend even more resources building those new networks and robbing the Your Wife and Trial Divorce networks of those resources.

 

Seriously dude. Give it a try and report back!