Depression Intimacy Issues

[Marper]

I am a guy wanting advice from women on dealing with a couple of issues with my wife.

 

Background info: We have known each other for 15 years and have been married for 8 years. We have two kids (a 4 year old and a 2 year old).

 

For the last 8 months, my wife has been battling serious depression (self-hate, suicidal thoughts, etc.). I have read up on how to support her and help her and have executed on everything that I could. I have taken on more of the household chores and child-caring. I encourage her to get outside and involved in church and social functions as much as she is willing to do. Eventually she started going to a therapist which helped her deal with some tough family issues that she has (her family is extremely disfunctional).

 

After all of that she is making progress. She has "down" days here and there but she no longer has the breakdown in dehabilitating tears days she was having a few months ago. It has been tough but I felt it has made me stronger and a more supportive husband who listens to his wife more.

 

Now the other issue that I am having is sexual frustration. We have never had a great sex life but it was "ok/good" and she was always willing to try new things and would go through periods where she was the primary initiator. With the introduction of the two little ones, the sex life took a hit but it got really bad about a year ago, probably around the same time her depression started to get bad, where she either rejected me or just had obligation sex where she looked miserable.

 

I discussed this with her a few times, but she would get upset (sad not mad) and would cry. She would blame her self and would say things along the lines of me being happier without her. I felt horrible when this happened. She would tell me that she feels too much pressure and that she doesn't know what's wrong. As I learned more about depression I realized that this was probably the main culprit of our issues. I made a decision to not pressure her (or initiate sex) and instead let her focus on her depression and getting better. That was about 3-4 months ago. In that time we have had sex once. As far as the depression goes, my wife is getting better and I am willing to wait as long as it takes but sometimes I have doubts about whether I am doing the right thing.

 

 

Question 1: One positive sign is that in her darkest moments she would not cuddle, kiss me, or even want to be naked in front of me. There was a very low level of intimacy. Now she does all of those. Do you think this is a positive that could lead to intimacy in other areas?

 

Question 2: I am worried that will become the new normal and that we will not have sex regularly anymore, even when she is no longer suffering from depression. Do you think that is a legit worry?

 

Question 3: I am very goal oriented and I told myself that I need to make myself more attractive (I have gained 40 lbs since we started dating and I used to dress better). I have joined Weight Watchers with my wife and we have been losing weight. I started working out and I have been getting more haircuts and plan to go shopping soon. I guess in my very simple "guy" way of thinking, could she say No if I turned myself into a hunk? Do you think this will help?

 

Questions 4: My top question is this: If you were the wife in this situation what would you want your husband to do?

 

Read more: Depression Sex Issues Advice wanted from women - Relationships -Dating, marriage, boyfriends, girlfriends, men, women, friends, attraction ... - City-Data Forum

[Babs22]

Marper,

You sound like you are a very patient and compassionate husband. She is a very lucky lady and I think it is very possible your patience with pay off. Depression, especially depression as severe as you are describing, is debilitating. My 17 year old son suffers from depression. He takes medication and sees a psychiatrist weekly and still struggles. I don't think there is a minute in any day when he is not sad, it is just that some times, he is incredibly sad.

 

Does your wife take medication? Was her depression related to postpartum depression or did she just become depressed? If your wife is taking antidepressants, that can definitely effect her libido. The fact that she will kiss you and cuddle with you and be naked in front of you are definitely good signs. If she can get her depression under control and start to feel like herself again, it would make sense that intimacy would return. I can't give you a guarantee, but it sounds like you are doing all the right things. Since she is allowing some intimacy, perhaps she would be willing to allow you to give her a massage. No strings attached . Focus on making her feel good. Believe me she will appreciate this. The cuddling and kissing are both good too.

 

Question 2: As to this being the new normal, I would hope not. Like I said, if her depression improves, she will be more open to the intimacy. She is allowing more of that now.

 

Question 3: I think what you are doing sounds awesome. We should all try to keep ourselves attractive for our mates. It certainly helps us stay attracted to each other when our significant other is doing their best to look good. I like the fact that you said you and your wife are doing this together. Hopefully, you are taking walks together to help with this. Doing things together builds that intimacy you are wanting. The fact that you both are taking care of yourselves is a very good thing.

 

Question 4: It sounds like you are doing everything you can. You have been patient, compassionate, caring, and understanding. I am sure she recognizes it and you are winning big brownie points. Keep being there for her. She is allowing more intimacy. Physical touch, cuddling are very important and you are doing that. Giving her a massage or even a foot rub can be a big turn on for a woman. The fact that you are willing to give and want to please her without really expecting more, is a big turn on. And staying fit and working on your appearance won't go unnoticed.

 

Good luck. Living with someone with depression is not easy, especially when you are raising two small children and your partner is not herself. I really hope that she is able to get better and that therapy and/or medicine continue to help.