Maybe she is in loved with the other guy?

[vladvig3]

Hi guys, well, I'll get right to the point and I'd really appreciate some help on how to deal with this.

 

I started going out with a girl, at first she told me she wasn't looking for a relationship, I played along because I really like her. She had a trip planned to a city in the u.s.a.

 

We were having dinner and I told her that I could probably see her on the 4th of july there. Her reply was an instant "no no no no". I felt bad and she explained that she wanted to go on her own, she likes traveling alone. but my spidey-sense was tingling.

 

After several times bringing up the subject, she confessed that before me, there was a guy in that city and she wanted to visit him, then I appeared in her life and she was falling for me, she told the guy that she was getting more serious with me.

 

Anyway she told me that she didn't want me to go because she didn't want to make him feel bad because now she didn't want him. I felt that protecting him was a bad sign.

 

After talking and talking I told her that I was super uncomfortable with her trip. she had paid everything so I wanted her to go, but not to visit the guy, instead I wanted her to go to enjoy traveling alone as she said.

 

She told me that now they were friends and that she didn't think of him like that anymore, but I felt super threatened, I mean, she was going to travel to another country for 15 days just to see him.

 

After almost breaking up at that time, she changed completely, she was commited to the relationship, we were official now, she introduced me to her family and so on.

 

She told me that we could meet on nyc after she spent a few days in the other city.

 

On that week I was feeling like crap, I felt that she was cheating and i was super jelous, she told me that everything was fine.

 

We met on nyc, we had a great time. but yesterday I saw her phone. she was spending an insane amount of time on it while she was on her own and replied really late but she was connected on facebook. so it got me thinking, yes, snooping.

 

Anyway, I saw her phone yesterday tried to see the pictures she took on that trip and there was none, that got me curious and went into facebook and -not very cool of me- read the whole conversation with this dude.

 

She was super flirty, nothing sexual, but she was super interested on his sexual life. and she was asking him to ask her something.

 

then i noticed she was asking him and i quote "hypothetically" that if me and her didn't work out, would he take her. the guy, I gotta admit, is pretty cool. he said no over and over again and said he wasn't second of anyone and that it wasn't a good question to ask. And she said "you make me feel unwanted"

 

then she was very interested on his sexual performance, he said that every girl wanted to repeat with him, she replied: "maybe you're a cuddler".

 

And anyhow, I had to read parts, because the conversation was so long, days and days of info. but there was this part that got my eye, where she told him that she wanted to go out with him only, not with his friends, and that he never even paid attention to her while they went out. < she demanded that several times.

 

they even made a joke together to one of my gf's friends, it was only texting, but it was something like she having sex with him, I didn't read this very well, i was kinda mad. I saw it was a joke anyway, i read it both ways and they were laughing because the friend believed it. but wtf with that "joke"?

 

Most of the conversation was just stupid jokes and the guy telling her about a girl that he likes a lot and blah blah.

 

my gf, tells me she loves me, she seems to be very into me, but wtf is with that relationship?, he's a guy that she met on fbook and then they met for two days and that's it, and she was planning a trip to another country to see him, I feel really bad.

 

She says that I'm the only one for her and seems happy, but who knows.

 

I feel that when she saw him for so many days she really liked him. but she feels more secure and stable with me maybe?. it's really bad, I'm thinking on breaking up with her but I don't know if that should be my "plan a".

 

Opinions anyone? . please!.

[lolablue17]

I don't know what to say...

 

If my Gf would prefer to spend her 4th of july with another guy instead of hanging out with me, No matter how much time we are together (1 month or 20 years), I'd walk away immediately.

[Space Ritual]

vladvig3,

 

You need to pull the plug on this gf of yours. This is going nowhere real fast. I think you already had your answer when she decided to take the trip.

[jen1447]

It doesn't sound good imo. You've got elements of deception, misrepresentation, disrespect, and marginalization going on here. I'd probably cut loose if I were you and 'free her up' to pursue the possibilities with the other guy since she's so into him and not so much into you.

[mg101]

How long have you been dating and how long have you been exclusive?

I know what she did wasn't right, but in the very beginning of a relationship there can be stragglers from past situations that take a short while to fizzle out. At least the texts you read show that she was in fact honest with him that she was in a relationship with you. If she's important to you and you see a potential future with her, I'd say give her a chance but set very clear boundaries without seeming overly jealous or needy about it. Then cool off a bit and don't be so available/overly invested. If the relationship needs to go back to being non-exclusive, do that and just date for a while to assess things. She needs to value you some more and then prove her ability to be more loyal. If you decide to give it a go, I would not be too emotionally invested until you've regained some trust in her by her actions and not words.

[Chi townD]

You say that she's so much into you; yet, you also wrote that she's planning another trip to see this guy in another country?!?!?

 

 

Dude, you're getting played.

[Spectre]

Yep, boot her to the curb before she cheats on you. If she was truly falling for you she'd have no urge to go see some other dude. I love though how she spun you this fairy tale about how she didn't want you to go..but only because she totally felt bad for this guy because she didn't want him. You know, the guy she was going to visit for the 4th of July in another city even though she is "falling" for another guy? Yeah, totally doesn't want him.

 

I love that, I needed a good giggle. Oh, and she has the nerve to ask him if you guys don't work out if he'd date her? Red flag, red flag! But even better...THE GUY TOLD HER NO!!! Bwahaha, I did more then giggle at that.

Edited July 9, 2015 by Spectre

[Spectre]

How long have you been dating and how long have you been exclusive?

I know what she did wasn't right, but in the very beginning of a relationship there can be stragglers from past situations that take a short while to fizzle out.

 

This is no excuse, disrespectful behavior is disrespectful behavior. If she was "falling" for him why was she asking another dude about his sex life or trying to get him to ask her about it and she sure as hell wouldn't ask him if he'd "take her" if she broke up with her current boyfriend.

 

At least the texts you read show that she was in fact honest with him that she was in a relationship with you.

 

That is all you take away from what he mentioned about the texts? That she was honest about being in a relationship? Did you fail to see the parts where she is flirty and asking sexual questions and *asking him if he would date her again if her and her current boyfriend broke up*?

 

Speaking of honesty, the guy had to press her for information just to reveal she was planning to see this dude. So in other words she was dishonest with her boyfriend, but totally honest with some other guy. Red flags, it should be the boyfriend getting the honesty, not the other way around.

 

If she's important to you and you see a potential future with her, I'd say give her a chance but set very clear boundaries without seeming overly jealous or needy about it.

 

If she is important to him and he see's a future with her that is all the more reason to flee. Why? Because he will get his heart broken. She has shown not only isn't she trustworthy, but she is disrespectful as well. There is a problem if someone see's all this and thinks "yeah, that is the type of girl I want to make a serious commitment to".

 

Then cool off a bit and don't be so available/overly invested.

 

I disagree, why should this guy play games? Especially when there is no point in being with this girl anyways unless he is just looking for some sex.

 

If the relationship needs to go back to being non-exclusive, do that and just date for a while to assess things. She needs to value you some more and then prove her ability to be more loyal. If you decide to give it a go, I would not be too emotionally invested until you've regained some trust in her by her actions and not words.

 

Let me explain to you the huge problem with this. She was rejected by this other guy. It will take her toll on her self esteem and maybe also make her think she doesn't have a back up guy..which she probably thought this other guy could be which is exactly why she asked him if he'd get with her if her current relationship ended. But now she has no back up and has been awesomely rejected and so she is going to be trying to do damage control.

 

Her need to have a back up makes me wonder if she is one of those women who literally can't stay single for more then a nanosecond and always has to be in some kind of relationship. This makes this girl dangerous. Not physically dangerous, but dangerous to his mental well being because she will attempt to play him like a fiddle in order to not be rejected by a 2nd guy. Especially if he actually believes the BS story she fed him she will think "well he is gullible, so I can get away with even more next time".

 

You are correct that actions speak louder then words..and her actions have spoken volumes already wouldn't you agree?

Edited July 9, 2015 by Spectre

[vladvig3]

thank you guys!.

 

Yeah, the thing is that she is super nice, she treats me super fine, she tells me she loves me a lot, she tells me the most romantic-cute things ever that just makes me feel like a superhero.

 

But yeah, sometimes you just need to see the raw-opinion of someone else so you can actually understand that this is going down.

 

It hurts because I was so, very in loved with this girl and this just broke my heart, I guess the relationship is over because from now on, I just couldn't trust her and I'd always be expecting something bad to happen, what kind of a relationship would that be?.

 

It's just so very uninspiring, because I gave my 100% and it seems that it's not enough, I would always invited her anywhere she wanted to go, or buy her whatever she needed, she even had keys to my house. I would give her foot massages, take her to dinner to wherever she wanted to go, I even payed for the new york trip many broadway tickets included, I'd even woke up at 2 am to go and buy pills for her tummy ache when she was having her period, and we had great chemistry in bed too, she would have several, several orgasms with me. It was anything she wanted whenever she wanted and this is how she feels to behave towards me. not cool.

 

I've had this type of situation all my life, where I'm the good guy but no matter how good I am, the ladies decide to go and be with someone else, -"you're too good for me", I'm probably going to become a major dick.

 

-

 

How do you think I should approach her?, I recognise it was pretty bad on me to snoop on her cell, if I think about it, If she did that I would be fine because I have nothing to hide, but I'm pretty sure that she will get all freaky.

 

I just want to tell her my arguments and leave her with them, I do not want her to freak out and learn nothing from this.

 

thanks again!!!

[Clay]

You can write her a letter and give it to her in person. Let her read it and then answer some questions. Just be calm and assert your done. Sure it could turn bad but if you show your firm on departing she might just own it and walk away.

 

I personally wouldn't tell her nothing. I don't feel people that lie and deceive people deserve respect but that is just me. If she was a good gf she would have talked to you about the other guy and there would have never been a question. If she wasn't happy with the relationship she would have ended it already. Clearly she has done neither of those things so she really isnt worth the effort.

 

Good Luck

 

Clay

[Space Ritual]

How do you think I should approach her?, I recognise it was pretty bad on me to snoop on her cell, if I think about it, If she did that I would be fine because I have nothing to hide, but I'm pretty sure that she will get all freaky.

 

I just want to tell her my arguments and leave her with them, I do not want her to freak out and learn nothing from this.

 

thanks again!!!

 

By going SILENT....

 

You are still giving her more credit than she deserves. Just remember

"Tis better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than speak up and remove all doubt".

 

What she learns is of no importance to you...you are done with her, right?

Right?

Right?

 

Probably not. Sounds like you are going to leave the door open for her to trample your heart one more time.

 

You asked for advice so here it is...Unless you make her insignificant you will assuredly give her a pass on this. Don't make that mistake.

[lolablue17]

Have a talk with her.

 

Tell her that you're breaking up with her because you feel something is missing between you, and you can specify what it is.

 

Tell her that her trip to see the other guy, made you to understand that The feeling of "I will do anything for you for better and for worse, winter or summer, I will always be there for you" is missing and you feel you both should break up.

 

She may try to convince you that she loves you and you shouldn't be worry about her trip. Tell her that there is nothing wrong with her trip to see the other guy and you are not worried. But all this makes you wonder about the character of "true love" between you. You don't know what it is, but you're sure that it is not true love, for sure.

 

Her preference to hangout with another guy on 4th of july says it all. wish her luck and walk away.

 

In that way you don't ask for anything, you don't demand anything, you're not "over controlling". You just have your values in life and she just doesn't fit to your values.

 

If she suggests to cancel her trip, tell her that she is allowed to do what ever she wants, It's her choice, not yours. Tell her that her intention to go to this trip with the other guy is bad enough even if she is not going. tell her that you might agree to take her back but she must cut all contact with this guy. With you it's everything or nothing.

 

Again - You don't ask her for anything and this is no argument - you just broke up with her now and if she wants you back she better make some efforts to prove you she knows she was wrong.

Edited July 11, 2015 by lolablue17

[Spectre]

thank you guys!.

 

Yeah, the thing is that she is super nice, she treats me super fine, she tells me she loves me a lot, she tells me the most romantic-cute things ever that just makes me feel like a superhero.

 

Yeah, but this stuff should just make you angry. She is obviously playing you by doing this. She does all that so she can fool around behind your back and when you get suspicious she can talk about how nice she is and how loving she is.

 

It hurts because I was so, very in loved with this girl and this just broke my heart, I guess the relationship is over because from now on, I just couldn't trust her and I'd always be expecting something bad to happen, what kind of a relationship would that be?.

 

Exactly, this is why cheating is so destructive. Even if you stay with the cheater you will never ever get rid of that nagging doubt in your mind, I don't care how much marriage counseling people go to, and every now and then you'll still see flashes of your partner with that other person. It's not fair to expect someone to live like that, but unfortunately people stay in these toxic relationships, usually because they have kids and don't want to leave them or because they feel they can't do any better then the person they are with so they just accept the disrespect.

 

Be glad she showed her true colors now.

 

It's just so very uninspiring, because I gave my 100% and it seems that it's not enough, I would always invited her anywhere she wanted to go, or buy her whatever she needed, she even had keys to my house. I would give her foot massages, take her to dinner to wherever she wanted to go, I even payed for the new york trip many broadway tickets included, I'd even woke up at 2 am to go and buy pills for her tummy ache when she was having her period, and we had great chemistry in bed too, she would have several, several orgasms with me. It was anything she wanted whenever she wanted and this is how she feels to behave towards me. not cool.

 

See I don't think any man should behave this way, even if the girl isn't a cheater and is actually a legit nice person. There is a difference between being a good boyfriend and letting someone walk all over you, and that is the impression I get when you say "it was anything she wanted whenever she wanted".

 

Don't you see it man? She was used to getting whatever she wanted, and she eventually decided what she wanted was to cheat, and since she gets away with everything else she figured she could get away with this as well.

 

I've had this type of situation all my life, where I'm the good guy but no matter how good I am, the ladies decide to go and be with someone else, -"you're too good for me", I'm probably going to become a major dick.

 

I think you need to change how you treat a woman. Buying her dinner every now and then is one thing, but you were saying you'd buy her anything she wanted. No wonder this girl was so nice to you..wouldn't you be nice to someone who'd buy you whatever you wanted, etc.?

 

How do you think I should approach her?, I recognise it was pretty bad on me to snoop on her cell, if I think about it, If she did that I would be fine because I have nothing to hide, but I'm pretty sure that she will get all freaky.

 

I just want to tell her my arguments and leave her with them, I do not want her to freak out and learn nothing from this.

 

thanks again!!!

 

First of all don't think that way, it was not bad on you to snoop. People need to follow your instincts, and if your heart is on the line and a person is acting suspicious and you do not feel they are being completely honest..you absolutely have the right to snoop, because the only person who can give you the full truth is her and if she won't do it then what choice do you have? You see people in relationships do have the right to expect privacy..to a certain extent, that is. But a persons heart is infinitely more important then privacy issues, so you did the right thing.

 

But yeah, I guarantee you 100% she will turn this around on you for looking at her phone. She will turn this into an attack on her privacy. That is what women like her do when confronted. So honestly man, I'd either just write her a letter or send her an email.

 

I'm also sorry to say she probably will not learn a thing. I know some might think it not cool for you to end this via email but..if you do it in person this girl will just try to re-ensnare you with lies. She will also definitely turn on the waterworks for added effect. Women know men usually do not like to see them cry so they use this as a tool for manipulation.

 

I also disagree with the above comment in terms of her having to prove it if she truly wants you back after you dump her. I think you should just move on because she has already played you and disrespected you so it's hard to imagine what she could do to earn your trust that doesn't involve pulling a Superman maneuver and flying around the Earth so fast she rewinds time to before she did all this.

 

EDIT: So, just an idea..if you want to avoid her trying to turn this around on you and get upset over you snooping..well, do you think she has deleted those texts? Or does she save her texts? Since if she saves them..you don't have to say you snooped. Simply sit her down and tell her you are having doubts about the relationship and if she is trustworthy and that it would really help ease your doubts if you could check her phone. Of course it is possible she will of deleted the texts, in which case then you just say "interesting, I notice the text of you asking him if he'd get with you if you didn't have a boyfriend are gone" or something. If she refuses to hand over the phone then you can just use that to infer guilt. I honestly feel you had the right to snoop, but I recognize that this chick will most definitely try to make this about her privacy being invaded as opposed to anything else.

 

Let us know what happened.

Edited July 12, 2015 by Spectre