Tough Situation with a close friend and I need some guidance

[CalvinChange]

Where do I start? I am going to ramble a bit but I will try to keep this short.

 

So a little about me! I am 29 and came out of a long term relationship of 2 and 1/2 years that failed. I've been single for almost a year now partly because at first I didn't recover from the failed relationship and then I just wanted to play the single scene for awhile and now because I fell in love with a close friend but she is seeing someone.

 

I have known this close friend for about 6 years. I had a thing for her back when we first met but she was dating someone at the time. I flirted with her often and she flirted back with me shortly after we first met. Timing has always been the issue and we overtime became good friends.....and then close friends. Now we are tight, she tells me things she tells no one else and vice versa. We text each other everyday. We see each other usually twice a week. It seems like we grow closer each month. If I am having a bad day, I text/call her or meet her out and she is there to lend a shoulder and ear. If she is have a bad day I always do the same. She always says stuff like I'm a great guy or I'm handsome, I look great etc. I always same the same stuff to her.

 

Old feelings have come back from when we first met and I really have fallen in love with her. She is seeing a guy and they fight on and off but they are still together. I hear about their fights and my take is its an unstable relationship. I feel we have much more in common then she does with him. I don't really say much though other than I support her if they are having problems. And really from what I have seen in life you can't intervene with a relationship. They either go on or end but its on their terms. Not someone on the outside of it unless there is physical or emotional abuse going on. None of that is happening here though.

 

My take on this whole thing is I am just a best friend and I am someone she wants closely in her life. Its hard to determine at times if she likes more than this or not. She texts and calls me alot. She always is wanting to see me. She hugs and touches me alot. One time recently she hugged me and said I am the only one she can count on in her life. I don't even know how I could probe without making it obvious. Why don't I want to make it obvious? Because if she just wants me as a best friend its going push us apart if she finds out I love her or want more, especially with her current relationship status.

 

I have told a few close friends about this that I know would never say anything to her. One friend said to just break my feelings to her and see what happens. Another said you have been friendzoned and if you tell her you love her she will back off the friendship. I just feel these friends don't quite get how I feel, despite telling them a lot.

 

I enjoy our close friendship and if that were to fade or end it would be pretty tough for me to handle. And I am not saying I enjoy the close friendship because I am in love with her. There are so many times I have needed her support or advice with things going on in life. Also I know she has really needed me there for her at times and its helped her with me supported her or helping her.

 

So I am currently stuck feeling a lot of pain and frustration over the situation. I love her but I can't quite tell her. Its affecting my life a lot right now. I look forward to seeing her, I put plans with her over everything else and I find it extremely hard to meet/date other woman because I have her on my mind. I could literally cry over this at times, and I am one that really is known to hold it together. All I can say is this is hard, its probably the most emotional things I have dealt with in terms of relationships. I really hate this and I feel lost with it.

 

Am I in a lose/lose situation? Is there a chance for me? I don't know but I am just hoping I can get some advice on here. And if someone on here has actually been through something like this, please share your story! Sorry if I rambled a little here!

Edited July 8, 2015 by CalvinChange

[pteromom]

There is ZERO chance, unless you actually tell her how you feel.

 

Only she knows how she feels about you and whether she'd ever be open to more than friendship.

[preraph]

The longer it's friends, the less chance of getting out of that friendzone. That's how it is with us women. We get used to confiding in someone and they start feeling like a family member, not someone romantic. It's a risk you will have to take.

 

It's been six years. My feeling is if she wanted more with you, she would have made an opportunity for that between men or even in the middle of one. Since you're close I think you should just talk to her sometime and say, Sometimes I feel like more than just a friend to you. Have you ever thought about us being something more?

 

It's a risk, no doubt. But you need to be honest.

[CalvinChange]

There is ZERO chance, unless you actually tell her how you feel.

 

Only she knows how she feels about you and whether she'd ever be open to more than friendship.

 

I pretty much figured the only way I can/will find out is if I say something to her but obviously the risk is pretty big. If its not mutual, do you think there is any chance she is fine with this and continues the best friendship? See I just feel like she'll start to distance herself from me.

 

I think if she officially ended things with her ex, I'd be more brazen about talking to her about this. I would need to wait though until she recovered from the breakup. I think as a friend I would kind of owe it to her to be at least there for her and not take advantage of her in a post break-up state.

 

 

 

The longer it's friends, the less chance of getting out of that friendzone. That's how it is with us women. We get used to confiding in someone and they start feeling like a family member, not someone romantic. It's a risk you will have to take.

 

It's been six years. My feeling is if she wanted more with you, she would have made an opportunity for that between men or even in the middle of one. Since you're close I think you should just talk to her sometime and say, Sometimes I feel like more than just a friend to you. Have you ever thought about us being something more?

 

It's a risk, no doubt. But you need to be honest.

 

This is how I feel, I honestly think that when we initially met we would have dated and went into a relationship had she of been single. We hit it off immediately and she was pretty in to me. The last time she was single was in the middle of my 2 and 1/2 year relationship which recently failed. Even though there were some signs of trouble in my relationship, I never broke it off to try and be with her. We had become good friends at that time, that probably is when the friend-zoning really started.

 

You are right though at this point, I think if she really was interested something would have happened by now. I know the guy takes lead but there are always subtle hints that a woman is interested and wants/is waiting for the guy to make the move.

 

Once you hit best friend status, like we are now, and are super close which again we are now, it becomes very difficult to gauge anything other than she cares for me as a friend. This is why I agree with you the only way is to bring it up.

 

Do you think it is even wise to say something like you suggested with her current seeing of her ex BF status? That is really kind of the barrier that prevents me from saying anything.

 

Also it is nice having female friend that is this close and tight as a friend. I have other female friends but nothing even close to this level of friendship we have currently. I would hate to say something, find out what my gut is telling me, its not mutual. Then slowly watch the friendship fade as a result.

 

This is hard, and its affecting me alot right now. It is weighing on me a ton and I still feel so lost since I've just never been in a situation like this.

 

Long ago I had a female friend that I liked after being friends for a few months and I just made the move and it worked. But with it being a shorter friendship, I wasn't in the friendzone or if I was, not far enough in to prevent an intimate relationship.

[preraph]

Normally, I'd say do not do it while she's coupled up, but in this case, I feel you need to find out so you can move on with your life. I mean, by asking her what I suggested, you're just talking. It would be on her whether she wanted to pursue it at the expense of her bf or not. One thing I guess you are aware of is girlfriends always hear all the worst parts about their friend's bf, because these are the things they need to blow off steam about. But it doesn't mean you're getting the whole picture there.

 

It is a risk, because if she is totally not interested in you in that way and is now embarrassed she's confided in you so much, it makes it awkward. But you can't go around dating other people and expect them to put up with your close friendship with this woman which isn't strictly platonic on your end, so this needs to get resolved and either go forward or you move on in order for you to even have another girlfriend. Good luck.

[pteromom]

I pretty much figured the only way I can/will find out is if I say something to her but obviously the risk is pretty big.

 

It doesn't have to be.

 

When you are talking, just ask her "Have you ever thought about us being more than friends?"

 

If she laughs and says NO WAY, you are like a brother to me, or anything like that, you have your answer, and you haven't made any grand gesture of sharing your heart with her to risk your friendship.

 

If she says yes, proceed with caution and let her lead the conversation.

 

I think if she officially ended things with her ex, I'd be more brazen about talking to her about this. I would need to wait though until she recovered from the breakup. I think as a friend I would kind of owe it to her to be at least there for her and not take advantage of her in a post break-up state.

 

There's no need to wait until she breaks up. If this relationship is so horrible, moving on to another one may be just the motivation she needs to end it.

[Jacob_Duluoz]

Decide whether you want to be the friend or not. I wouldn't be brazen, but I wouldn't steer her toward him in anyway. You're enabling her to have the emotional energy to put up with the guys BS if they are fighting in a significant way (not just mild disagreements). You don't have to be brazen, but let her know you like her for who she is and that you have concerns because she seems unhappy. I would then be the best all around person you can be, if she wants a relationship with you she'll leave him and send you a real signal. That's her choice, but right now she's making the choice for you to place her burdens on you in a way that help but build affection. Stay clear of her BF as best as possible. Honesty is important in friendship too.

[CalvinChange]

Normally, I'd say do not do it while she's coupled up, but in this case, I feel you need to find out so you can move on with your life. I mean, by asking her what I suggested, you're just talking. It would be on her whether she wanted to pursue it at the expense of her bf or not. One thing I guess you are aware of is girlfriends always hear all the worst parts about their friend's bf, because these are the things they need to blow off steam about. But it doesn't mean you're getting the whole picture there.

 

It is a risk, because if she is totally not interested in you in that way and is now embarrassed she's confided in you so much, it makes it awkward. But you can't go around dating other people and expect them to put up with your close friendship with this woman which isn't strictly platonic on your end, so this needs to get resolved and either go forward or you move on in order for you to even have another girlfriend. Good luck.

 

She confides in me a ton, especially the last few months. From her standpoint, if its not mutual feelings I really feel like the ship will sink. Will she still want to confide in me knowing I have fallen in love with her and now any advice/support I give her she might think I have different motives then just being a best friend to her? This is what I struggle with so much and I know I can't live my life like this but is it fair to her? What if its so awkward our friendship distances and she feels like she lost a close friend? Or from a female perspective would she just not think too much of it and continue things they way they are?

 

Also you bring up a good point about what info I get about her BF. Lately though she fights almost every few days with him, to the point where they might not talk for entire day. I was in a relationship in the past where this is how things went between the GF and I. When it got to this point things surprisingly lasted for 5 more months but we did break it off. I think that phase was the beginning of the end.

 

I really struggle with this part of it, and I appreciate the advice. I know what you are saying is the logical thing to do. I just struggle with the potential fallout. And I haven't even mentioned, I'd be hurt to if I lost her as a close friend.

[CalvinChange]

It doesn't have to be.

 

When you are talking, just ask her "Have you ever thought about us being more than friends?"

 

If she laughs and says NO WAY, you are like a brother to me, or anything like that, you have your answer, and you haven't made any grand gesture of sharing your heart with her to risk your friendship.

 

If she says yes, proceed with caution and let her lead the conversation.

 

 

 

There's no need to wait until she breaks up. If this relationship is so horrible, moving on to another one may be just the motivation she needs to end it.

 

I want to ask what you suggest, I just wish I had a little more input on how she felt about me before asking it. I am not even sure its possible for me to know anything more then I know now. I wish there was subtle cues I could pick up on that would make me feel more comfortable in asking or knowing if its not mutual than things will still be fine friendship wise.

 

I am curious, if she is on the verge of a breakup or close to that, would I potentially hit her in a rebound state? So I have dated two girls coming off a rebound, and neither worked out too well. One clearly used me as a crutch to moved on. The other just never got over her break up and I sadly had to move on from her because it wasn't working and I wasn't happy in the relationship. Would hate for either of these scenarios to happen and then those her as a friend as a result.

 

Decide whether you want to be the friend or not. I wouldn't be brazen, but I wouldn't steer her toward him in anyway. You're enabling her to have the emotional energy to put up with the guys BS if they are fighting in a significant way (not just mild disagreements). You don't have to be brazen, but let her know you like her for who she is and that you have concerns because she seems unhappy. I would then be the best all around person you can be, if she wants a relationship with you she'll leave him and send you a real signal. That's her choice, but right now she's making the choice for you to place her burdens on you in a way that help but build affection. Stay clear of her BF as best as possible. Honesty is important in friendship too.

 

Thanks for your post, appreciate it. To be honest I find it off the the BF knows we talk and hang out so much and doesn't even feel concerned or threatened by me. Maybe he is and doesn't say anything, maybe he really just doesn't care. Generally though I don't see him very often.

 

I am and will always try to be the best all around person I can be, especially around her. Because of our close friendship, she has seen me at times when I was extremely down over something, but at least in the the recent future I have been a pretty strong, confident friend around her at all times.

 

Is it possible for her to send me a signal before leaving him? As I mentioned, she clearly not happy and the fights are more frequent. But could she be waiting for a signal from me? I don't know.

 

In my history I have always stayed completely away from girls in relationships even one that was falling apart. I always have had the mindset, you don't interfere with that. This is different since its a close friend, but I still feel like if I want a long term, honest relationship with her, I should only act on it if she is single.

 

"she's making the choice for you to place her burdens on you in a way that help but build affection." I really never thought of it like this, but I feel this could be happening to some degree.

 

I am definitely in a tough spot, one I never imaged I'd be in, and I really hate this situation. I kind of wish I wasn't still stating in my late 20's. But I guess I can't dwell on these things, I have to deal with what I have been dealt the best I can.

Edited July 10, 2015 by CalvinChange

[SycamoreCircle]

It doesn't sound to me like either one of you are ready for a loving relationship. Why do I say this?

 

-You're saying that she confides things to you that she tells no one else. She has a SO in her life! Why isn't she telling her SO these things? If she is, why is she telling some straight, single guy that she's hanging with, texting all the time? Major boundary issues. Yeah, I bet she and her man fight a lot.

 

-You're crying over this? Get a grip, man. You're 29. You've been single for a year and a half and you're crying over a woman friend that's in a relationship with another man? Why are you cozying up to a taken woman? Timing was always an issue? I doubt it. The issue was she never liked you that way.

 

I'm sorry to sound harsh but it sounds like a lot of poor boundaries and people who don't honor the relationships they've created.

[CalvinChange]

It doesn't sound to me like either one of you are ready for a loving relationship. Why do I say this?

 

-You're saying that she confides things to you that she tells no one else. She has a SO in her life! Why isn't she telling her SO these things? If she is, why is she telling some straight, single guy that she's hanging with, texting all the time? Major boundary issues. Yeah, I bet she and her man fight a lot.

 

-You're crying over this? Get a grip, man. You're 29. You've been single for a year and a half and you're crying over a woman friend that's in a relationship with another man? Why are you cozying up to a taken woman? Timing was always an issue? I doubt it. The issue was she never liked you that way.

 

I'm sorry to sound harsh but it sounds like a lot of poor boundaries and people who don't honor the relationships they've created.

 

Don't apologize for sounding harsh, you bring up very good points.

 

I agree with the boundary issues point. Not too sure how exactly fit in this or how much fault I carry with respecting the boundaries. She has confiding me alot and really that started about 3 years ago. I was still in a relationship when at that point and she was not dating the guy she is now. It just has continued regardless of my or her relationship status.

 

Its emotionally difficult and I've never been in a situation like this. I should be handling it better but a few times I have been on the verge of tears. I feel emotions can get the best of you at any age. But I agree, I do need to get a gripe on this and handle this much better. Really I have never experienced something like this, it caught me off guard. In all past situations, I have developed feelings for a girl OR fall in love and just tell her immediately. They have been single. It has either worked or not worked, but the point is I was not in a deep, long term friendship with them. So if it was not mutual, it stung a little but it was easy to move on because I had not developed a close friendship with them.

 

I have been single for a year and I get that is playing into it to some degree. Took me a bit to recover from my last relationship. The reason we broke up because she cheated on me with someone who I thought was a friend. I had no choice but to break up with her and felt double betrayed because who she cheated on me for.

 

Back when we first met, she was in a relationship. I liked her alot early on but then those feelings faded. About a year after we met, she broke up with her BF and I was a few months into a relationship. She told a mutual friend that she wished I was single because she liked me and enjoyed hanging out with me. This friend showed me the text conversation she said this, so I know it was true. That really is the only time ever I can positively say she was into me and it was 5 years ago. I actually had started to become a little distant to her at that time since I was hanging out with a different group of friends and we rarely talked or saw each other. So at least one period during our friendship I know she did have feelings for me.