I went where I shouldn't have

[ShatteredLady]

In 19 years of marriage I've learnt that if there's something you would be ashamed to share with your wife you shouldn't be doing it! Something's are just tiny, little indescretions. Something's huge & divorce worthy. Whatever, it's more than just the 'thing' that causes the damage. It's the secrets & lies. It's how you damage your feelings & relationship by justifying your behavior. It's all too easy to blame your partner for 'making you do it' not 'understanding'. It all becomes a slippery slope that damages your marriage as time goes on.

 

Didn't it feel great to be flattered by your future family? The 'high' you can get by being the best possible man you can be trumps any rush from behaving badly. Stop all this nonsense. Boast about your future wife, your love for her. Take pride in following your morals & values. That's the best advise I can give. You will be a happier person for it.

My Dad is in his late 70's. He's the most possitive, happy person I've ever known. He sees his family through rose tinted glasses. No matter how bad the situation he finds something good, kind & loving to say about my Mum & his family. He stands by his principles & he's honest & loyal. His pride in himself & his family brings him joy!

Guilt eats at you. Being negative about loved ones erodes everything slowly over time. What you think & what you do effects who you are eventually. You own & shape your mind, your self. Become a man you can be proud of & you will be a happy man.

[Celestial-dreamer]

What? You think I made the plan to visit the brothel?

I didn't.

 

I am many things but not a liar

 

Oh boy......sorry dude, but you ARE a liar. But thanks for the laugh for today.

Get some help RE the prostitutes, you know you need it.

[HurtOfGlass]

Celestial-dreamer.....Can you name 'some help'? It will be very helpful. Thank you.

[Celestial-dreamer]

Celestial-dreamer.....Can you name 'some help'? It will be very helpful. Thank you.

 

 

Try therapy/counselling. You have a real problem with your disrespect of women it's unreal. You NEED IC stat.

[ShatteredLady]

Those women are real human beings. They are daughters, sisters, often mothers. Do you think they enjoy their 'job'? Do you think they just like to 'dance' & grind on any gross disrespectful guy who pays them? Do you think they just enjoy sex so much that they don't care what any 'man' wants to do to them, no matter how painful & gross it is? REALLY!!

Do some reading research. The lives some of those women have lived, are LIVING will bring tears to your eyes if you can feel any empathy. Be a real man. Be a decent human being. Start now. Become a person, a MAN you can be proud of from this day forward. Stop telling yourself lies. You will bring misery to yourself & the beautiful woman you profess to love in the future if you don't.

[HurtOfGlass]

Those women are real human beings. They are daughters, sisters, often mothers. Do you think they enjoy their 'job'? Do you think they just like to 'dance' & grind on any gross disrespectful guy who pays them? Do you think they just enjoy sex so much that they don't care what any 'man' wants to do to them, no matter how painful & gross it is? REALLY!!

Do some reading research. The lives some of those women have lived, are LIVING will bring tears to your eyes if you can feel any empathy. Be a real man. Be a decent human being. Start now. Become a person, a MAN you can be proud of from this day forward. Stop telling yourself lies. You will bring misery to yourself & the beautiful woman you profess to love in the future if you don't.

 

I am not proud at what I have done. Neither do I want to repeat this again. This is the reason I wanted to help the disadvantaged women and wanted to join an NGO. But such an NGO won't take me in. Instead I joined a different one which is involved in other kinds of social work.

 

If you don't believe me, I have another thread where I have written about how disgusted I feel with myself for how I conducted in the future:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/off-topic/personal-rants-confessions/542384-police-have-caught-possible-child-trafficker

[Celestial-dreamer]

I am not proud at what I have done. Neither do I want to repeat this again. This is the reason I wanted to help the disadvantaged women and wanted to join an NGO. But such an NGO won't take me in. Instead I joined a different one which is involved in other kinds of social work.

 

If you don't believe me, I have another thread where I have written about how disgusted I feel with myself for how I conducted in the future:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/off-topic/personal-rants-confessions/542384-police-have-caught-possible-child-trafficker

 

 

Wow....so you use and abuse women then join a group that's supposed to help them? How about you start respecting your soon to be wife instead? Focus on HER. She deserves your respect don't you think?

 

You say this on your other thread:

 

They would be sold who guess where and many will end up in brothels. Brothels where scumbags like me will come for their pleasure and mistreat them. And these innocent children will suffer this life because of a system where there weren't any protection for them.

 

Don't blame a system that isn't there for the problems, it's the as**ole guys that use them that are the problem. And that means one like you. If guys like you didn't demand that service it wouldn't exist. You couldn't be more wrong and now your starting to feel guilty? Please.....you knew what you were doing and even stated you enjoyed it. You know full well you have a huge problem, you need to sort your life out before you try to help anyone else. You can feel bad all you like, but your still not sorting your issues out, your still lying to your family.

Edited August 25, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
rude generalization ~T

[onemanband]

I dont know your. Back story but watching a woman dance is not a big deal i dont see this as cheating ,on the other hand if you did something physical thats another story , now if you spent a ton of money i know why you feel like you do and that would be cheating if so it was more than watching a dance

[Sassy Girl]

I dont know your. Back story but watching a woman dance is not a big deal i dont see this as cheating ,on the other hand if you did something physical thats another story , now if you spent a ton of money i know why you feel like you do and that would be cheating if so it was more than watching a dance

 

Umm read the backstory.

 

OP is someone who would sleep with prostitiutes, call them names and throw money in their faces rather that treat them with any respect.

 

There's no way he should be let around marginalised women in any capacity- charity or not.

Edited August 25, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[HurtOfGlass]

Don't blame a system that isn't there for the problems, it's the as**ole guys that use them that are the problem. And that means one like you. If guys like you didn't demand that service it wouldn't exist.

 

I understand your outrage, I really do. My parents were also similarly outraged when they came to know about my activities. But don't you think its a bit naive to blame only males for prostitution? Do you have any idea how many women are involved in the trafficking of women? Do you have any idea how many women, even mothers, sell their infant daughter? Do you have any idea how many women avail the services of gigolos (male prostitutes)?

 

As sickening as it may be to hear, human trafficking and prostitution is an underworld industry, just like drugs are an underworld industry. And even women are making a profit from this industry. Just like men.

 

But I get your point. I can only change myself and make myself better and that starts with me respecting my future wife.

Edited August 25, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
edited quote ~T

[Celestial-dreamer]

I understand your outrage, I really do. My parents were also similarly outraged when they came to know about my activities. But don't you think its a bit naive to blame only males for prostitution? Do you have any idea how many women are involved in the trafficking of women? Do you have any idea how many women, even mothers, sell their infant daughter? Do you have any idea how many women avail the services of gigolos (male prostitutes)?

 

As sickening as it may be to hear, human trafficking and prostitution is an underworld industry, just like drugs are an underworld industry. And even women are making a profit from this industry. Just like men.

 

But I get your point. I can only change myself and make myself better and that starts with me respecting my future wife.

 

 

Read what you have written, all your doing is passing it off. Your blaming someone or something else. Male gigolo's? Where I am there are no male prostitutes. Most of the women who are *into* this kind of business are often FORCED into it. If you dug further into that awful dark world you will know that. As for selling girls, many mothers are unaware what will happen to their daughter. They are told they will go to a rich family possibly in the US. They have no knowledge of it. Granted there are some very sick and twisted people who do know, but not many. It takes an evil mind to do that. Then someone like you comes along....that girl is only there because YOU want her to be. Anyway, you say your feeling guilty now, has it stopped you going? or even thinking about going back? Try telling your fiancee, your family etc what you have done. Let's see if they blame the traffikers too.

[HurtOfGlass]

Anyway, whatever the wrongdoings of traffikers....what are YOU going to do about YOUR problem? Your going to sit there whining about what you did, yet do nothing about it. Deflecting the issue isn't solving yours. You need to find out the reason you found it so thrilling to be abusive to the prostitutes, and your fiancee. It will happen again.

 

Don't you think you are a bit too late to ask that question? I used to go to the prostitutes since the period of May, 2014 to Jan, 2015 with a relapse in Jul, 2015. If you have taken the trouble to read my backstory, you would know I was doing IC since February of this year. And I have stated clearly the reason I felt the need to go there.

 

And I wasn't engaged to my current fiancee before June, 2015.

 

The trafficking news was a real eye opener for me. I tried to help, to atone for the things I have done by doing social work for these disadvantaged women. The NGO wouldn't take me because of my inexperience, that is another story. But I am trying to change as a person. My update was for that purpose. But instead you slam me for trying to do some social work and with your "men are evil" rhetoric.

[World's.Edge]

Read what you have written, all your doing is passing it off. Your blaming someone or something else. Male gigolo's? Where I am there are no male prostitutes. Most of the women who are *into* this kind of business are often FORCED into it. If you dug further into that awful dark world you will know that. As for selling girls, many mothers are unaware what will happen to their daughter. They are told they will go to a rich family possibly in the US. They have no knowledge of it. Granted there are some very sick and twisted people who do know, but not many. It takes an evil mind to do that. Then someone like you comes along....that girl is only there because YOU want her to be. Anyway, you say your feeling guilty now, has it stopped you going? or even thinking about going back? Try telling your fiancee, your family etc what you have done. Let's see if they blame the traffikers too.

 

Maybe don't use words like 'most' and 'many' if you don't have actual statistics. This year, in a few neighbouring countries, several women were arrested for trafficking young girls and forcing them into prostitution, and two women were also arrested in a nearby city within the last few weeks. I've been to a few countries in South and East Asia, and Africa and Europe, and perhaps there are no known instances where you are from or that you are aware of, but this does happen. You can't limit your worldview to the confines of your experiences and what you're aware of or speak in generalities.

 

When it comes to people with low morals being s***ty to other people, I usually don't differentiate between genders, religions, culrures, etc. Some women (and men) are forced into prostitution and that is horrible. There is no sure way to always know the conditions and circumstances under which this happens so why debate which gender is the bigger perpetrator.. although it's likely men.

 

The last time HurtOfGlass slept with a woman at a brothel was in January. Why should he have to broadcast that he visited a brothel to his entire family? How many people do? I have never nor would I ever see a prostitute, but if there was some alternate reality where I did, I probably wouldn't tell my closest friends.

 

Anyways, you mention that he should tell his family. HurtOfGlass's parents are aware of his previous brothel activities. If I recall correctly, his dad almost or did beat his a**.

 

His marriage to his his fiancée is arranged. I'm not sure if he has met her yet or just talked to her but this arrangement is recent (i.e. they didn't know each other when he used to visit brothels). If he wants to be entirely honest with her, and this is something that he thinks would affect how his fiancée perceives and feels about him, then preferably he should tell her (Hurt, your ex girlfriend might be bitter/angry/vindictive and decide to tell her).

 

His former long-term girlfriend cheated on him and he began/chose to visit a brothel after the relationship ended. It was extremely f****** idiotic but he felt bad enough over his behaviour to want to volunteer for an NGO and help vulnerable women and children in similar situations to the women who work in brothels. That fell through so he joined another organization that does charity work.

 

Whether it's shame, guilt or actually wanting to help that caused him to join, these organizations do need the help. I know that I'm not willing to volunteer, are you?

Edited August 24, 2015 by World's.Edge

[Redheaded Mistress]

Just figured I'd throw this out there... But if you do something like this and don't tell your fiancee you did it, it's because you know she'll be upset and/or you know you have something to lose by telling her. That means by not telling her, you are, in fact, a liar. A lie by omission is still a lie.

 

Secondly, you seek out disadvantaged women for personal gratification and you want to stop... So you get a job working directly and intimately with disadvantaged women? I'm sorry, but does anybody else see the disconnect here? It's like an alcoholic who works at a bar to help other alcoholics get help for their addicition. It makes no sense.

 

My suggestion, if you want a real relationship with this girl you're lying to on the daily, come clean, dump the job, stop taking the neighborhood kids to brothels, and make a serious effort to change. Otherwise this whole relationship stands as much of a chance of surviving as Old Yeller did behind the woodshed.

Edited August 25, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed offensive assumption ~T

[World's.Edge]

Secondly, you seek out disadvantaged women for personal gratification and you want to stop... So you get a job working directly and intimately with disadvantaged women? I'm sorry, but does anybody else see the disconnect here? It's like an alcoholic who works at a bar to help other alcoholics get help for their addicition. It makes no sense.

No it's not like that at all. You totally come up the worst analogies I've ever read.

 

What it's like is a person who frequented a brothel and enaged in activities with several prostitutes, realized the plight and reality of many prostitutes, felt s**** over it and his behaviour and wanted to do something to help prostitutes (the people his behaviour affected) and children. How exactly do you expect him to change, help and make amends, by not helping?

 

What are you trying to imply by using sensationalist text like working "intimately" with disadvantaged women? How exactly do you think these organization work?

 

You seriously have to stop with the anologies, you're very bad at them.

Edited August 24, 2015 by World's.Edge

[Celestial-dreamer]

So, what are you going to do now? Will you consider seeing a therapist? At least once? You owe it to your fiancee to be a better man, be honest with yourself, is she the one you want to marry? Can you get out of it if you need to? She deserves happiness with someone who won't cheat on her just because he can. It all starts with YOU OP.

Edited August 25, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Topical material retained.

[William]

Thread reopened with the reminder that the topic is one mans experience and how it pertains to himself and his relationship and not the legality, morality of brothels or prostitution nor the general topic of human trafficking. There are other forums appropriate for talking about those subjects, let's keep this one focused on the intended topic. ~Thank you

Edited August 25, 2015 by William

[HurtOfGlass]

So, what are you going to do now? Will you consider seeing a therapist? At least once? You owe it to your fiancee to be a better man, be honest with yourself, is she the one you want to marry? Can you get out of it if you need to? She deserves happiness with someone who won't cheat on her just because he can. It all starts with YOU OP.

 

Ok, to answer your questions, I will give you a timeline (it always helps I think).

 

I found my exGF cheated on me in March, 2014. We broke up within a month. The first time I went to brothel was in May, 2014 (the first time in my life). The penultimate time I went to brothel was January, 2015. In total 22 times. Along with brothels, I was developing a temper. Picking up fights on the street, road rage. I myself realised that my behaviour was getting out of control. Thats when I first posted in Loveshack.

 

At that time, I wasn't doing anything to get out of this phase. Even my parents were unaware of my activities. When I first came to Loveshack, it was here people asked me to go to IC. I was very reluctant because of with it being associated to mental illness. Besides IC here is costly. I couldn't afford it myself. But I ultimately realised I needed to vent because my anger was still remaining. I was still feeling livid about women other than my mother and sister.

 

I started my IC in March, 2015 after I revealed my problems to my parents. My father helped me with the costs. I have continued ever since. First 3 month visits were mandatory.

 

Ultimately my parents found out about the prostitutes also. Thats another story. You can check out my thread on it. Suffice to say I was nearly thrown out of the house.

 

I got engaged with my current fiancee in June, 2015. By this time, my IC course was coming to an end. But I explained to my parents that since so much has happened, I still needed to continue this. They agreed. I am going ever since.

 

I suffered a relapse in my habit of going to brothel in July, 2015. I did not have sex but only paid for a dance performance. And no, it was not a nude dance or lap grinding as some has mentioned here. But still it was a failure to my recovery. This was the first time I had cheated on somebody. I promised my family to stop and I failed, to my eternal shame. They had got me engaged to a girl based on my improved behaviour and I have made them a liar to my future in-laws and my future wife. My parents are never to blame for my cheating on my fiance. I have failed my parents more than I have failed myself.

 

I have mentioned to my IC that I have visited again. The causes why I felt compelled to visit again was discussed. I am still continuing because I know it would take me more time to fully get purged of this disease.

Edited August 26, 2015 by HurtOfGlass

[elaine567]

What it's like is a person who frequented a brothel and enaged in activities with several prostitutes, realized the plight and reality of many prostitutes, felt s**** over it and his behaviour and wanted to do something to help prostitutes (the people his behaviour affected) and children. How exactly do you expect him to change, help and make amends, by not helping?

 

OK, but Hurtofglass is not I guess in a place to "help" those women yet, he is still fascinated by their world.

 

So yes, they do need all the help they can get, but not from some guy who is still going to be leering at their breasts and their butts and who sees them as little more than trash to be used and then discarded in a nasty way...

Maybe they could show their gratitude by grinding on his lap.

That is why it is wrong.

 

He is not some guy off the street, nor is he just a guy who used prostitutes, he has serious issues regarding his attitudes to those women and I doubt, 2 months later he has in reality done a complete U turn.

They need help, but they don't need HIS help.

[HurtOfGlass]

^I request you, will you kindly stop making assumptions?

 

If it makes you happy, I was not taken in by the NGO that works at rescuing prostitutes and providing help in red light areas. And before you jump and say "Yes, they must have rejected to based on your attitude to these women", its not because of that reason. I did not even tell them of my past. They rejected me based on criteria's on social work experience and background qualification.

 

You may consider me a heartless git and I don't blame you. Judging from my posts, anybody on the other side of computer screen will do the same. But before I even went to any brothel, I was not what you think. Two years back, I witnessed a road accident. A man and his friend lay dying on the street, all bleeding. Me and some others took them to a hospital. Their blood was all over me. I missed a day's work to help these men.

 

And all of this despite the fact that in India the police are notorious to people who help people in accidents, hospitals unwilling to take victims before a FIR report has been filed with the police.

 

Still I helped these people and because of this I was berated by my boss for missing a day's work.

[Celestial-dreamer]

You need to draw a huge line under this, swear to yourself no one will ever get you back in a brothel ever again and concentrate on being the man your fiancee deserves. Don't let a friend (who isn't your friend if he encourages you to cheat) persuade you. If things get bad and you feel the need to go....stop before you do and ask yourself serious questions, is that the man you want to be? Remember seeing those little girls eyes, wondering what's happening to her, you know where she ends up. Disgust yourself with the thoughts. Treat a woman how you want your mother/sister/wife/daughter to be treated.

[World's.Edge]

OK, but Hurtofglass is not I guess in a place to "help" those women yet, he is still fascinated by their world.

 

So yes, they do need all the help they can get, but not from some guy who is still going to be leering at their breasts and their butts and who sees them as little more than trash to be used and then discarded in a nasty way...

Maybe they could show their gratitude by grinding on his lap.

That is why it is wrong.

 

He is not some guy off the street, nor is he just a guy who used prostitutes, he has serious issues regarding his attitudes to those women and I doubt, 2 months later he has in reality done a complete U turn.

They need help, but they don't need HIS help.

:confused:If his help isn't needed, will yours suffice then elaine567, are you willing to dedicate your time and efforts?

 

I don't know if you've ever done charity work or volunteered with an NGO but how exactly do you think these organizations operate? That's a serious question. What exactly do you think the organization does?

 

These organizations are, well organized. He isn't locked alone in a dark room with these women and left to his own devices. They are a group effort and everyone is assigned a task or specific duty. If his task involves delivering clothes or food, is that the kind of help they don't need? What about raising funds, campaigning, managing projects, distributing pamphlets, helping to build and set up shelters? Is that help also not needed?

 

With your 'leering at their breasts and butts' and 'grinding on his lap to show their gratitude' comments, HurtOfGlass is not fascinated by their world or some lecherous pervert that leers at women. He has issues that stem from his former long-term girlfriend cheating on him. These issues manifested themselves in destructive behaviour and choices (the brothels, a temper, mysogyny, starting fights).

 

I get your concerns, his history and behaviour towards prostitutes is bad. He does feel shame and guilt over it. You may think that he is not in a place to help, but just him wanting to help is a step in the right direction. Spending time and doing good for others not only helps them, it also humanizes them, and may help him get to that place. No one changes over night but they may as well try to help others in their journey to change.

 

N.B. Also, he isn't working with the NGO that helps prostitutes. He volunteers with a charity that organizes blood donation, surgeries, and free food and clothing orphans.

Edited August 26, 2015 by World's.Edge

[HurtOfGlass]

When I started this thread, it was the last time I had visited a brothel.

 

But I am proud to say that 6 months later, I have not visited any brothel nor felt any urge to do so. This is the longest period I have gone through without visiting brothels.

 

And in the meantime I got married to my lovely wife, got a new job (started today) in a new city. Currently staying away from my family home for the first time in my life.

 

What a turnaround! What a progress!

 

I was the most undeserving man but God has rewarded me so generously. What more could I want from him?

[BetrayedH]

I'm glad there's been progress. I suspect that this chapter of your life is behind you. And congrats on your nuptials.

 

I'm curious, though. Do you ever plan on coming clean with your wife about your past? She's now your partner for all things in life. Does she not deserve to know? I think your honesty about it would be an opportunity to build intimacy. Lying to her just puts a wall between you.

[HurtOfGlass]

Do you ever plan on coming clean with your wife about your past? She's now your partner for all things in life. Does she not deserve to know?

 

Thank you!

 

No, I don't ever plan to tell my wife.

 

But before you judge me a horrible person, let me explain my reasons.

 

I struggled with the notion that I am an unlovable person for a long time. Otherwise why would my ex cheat on me? I know its not true but still. But since I have been with my wife, I see the respect and admiration I see in my wife's eye for me. And more so since I started working for a charitable organization. She is so proud of me. She constantly lavishes me with affection. And when she gets that lovey dovey with me, I can't help but become that innocent side of me which I had lost for nearly one and a half years.

 

Slowly but surely I am returning to that person I was before March, 2014

 

What happens when I tell her about the horrible things I did? I am scared to even think about it. I cannot bear to loose that look in her eyes when she sees me come home. I don't want to shatter her image of me and probably her life.

 

And most crucially, I think I won't be as much sorry if she found out due to the righteousness I feel that all of my horrible past happened before I met her. I think I would be defensive and disregarding. And by that I will kill whatever I have with my wife for something that doesn't have anything to do with her.