Still hurts...

[Reiben17]

been a lurker on here for a while..

It's been helpful.

 

Thought I'd finally post,

 

So things between my parents were always rough, when they hurting each other they didn't realize how much they were hurting us (me and my brothers),

But we grew up developing our own coping mechanisms,

Books being the case for me...

 

by the time i turned 16,

Things at home were worse than ever,

 

I wasn't allowed to go out,

Or have any friends over,

I had absolutely no way to distract myself or look away from the chaos between my parents.

I had the worst kind of conflicts with my mom during that time,

 

being shut in my room for years,

I would cry my eyes out from time to time,

 

Then he happened,

I wouldn't have opened up to him, if my life wasn't becoming a living nightmare,

I aced school,

But even that had stopped giving me the high that it used to because of always having to come home to the wreck.

 

I had been singled out by guys alot before,

But i couldn't have been less interested,

I never felt like i needed anyone.

 

So HIM,

His dad and mine hated each other,

For some reasons and events that occured even before the two of us were born,

We werent allowed to see each other,

Ever,

 

So even though we lived a couple of blocks away,

We pretty much only had a long distance relationship (the irony...)

 

My mom found out,

She abused me every way she could,

To make me stop.

 

He was a completely different person than i was,

A social bee,

A polar opposite of me.

 

We stayed together this way for 2 years,

Both of us going through hell at home as soon as our families found out about us.

 

Emotionally, we couldn't have been more deeply involved.

 

By the end of high school,

His grades began to drop,

And he just suddenly started to drift away.

 

Shutting me out slowly.

 

Until one night,

After trying for hours to get a hold of him,

My call got through,

Right after my 'hello'

The line was dead again,

His dad had picked up.

 

He answered a text of mine that night,

And told me that his parents are super pissed,

I kept asking him what had happened,

He told me he didn't want to talk about it,

And that this couldn't go on,

That I'd find some guy as soon as i went to college and that it'll get easy for me.

 

He even went ahead and said that maybe it was all just our hormones going crazy,

And that theres no such thing as love. That

He wasn't a good guy and he couldn't do it anymore.

 

I was devastated,

I never felt so much pain in my entire life,

Considering i was used to feeling it,

 

I had no choice but to move on,

I went ahead with college with the perfect scores and maintaining them but he just doesn't leave my conscience,

Although I don't want him back anymore,

But it's still fresh as anything,

Even after 2 years from that night.

The pain of never hearing him again,

Never seeing him again,

 

After him,

ALOT of guys tried,

but i feel dead on the inside ever since,

I don't feel anything at all.

nobody and nothing makes me feel like i did when i was with him.

 

And i still wonder,

How he could not feel any pain?

If he never missed me ?

I still have a hard time believing it,

How was it soo easy for him...

I don't even know what happened.

 

Because he never came back even once to ask me how i was,

Or ANYTHING,

I know that he always remained friendly with his exes (which were 2..)

(I wasn't his first...)

But it's been NC ever since for me.

 

(I can't believe I just wrote an entire ARTICLE...!!!)

Edited July 9, 2015 by Reiben17

[15Love]

You're so young! You have so much life in front of you! Don't let your life get wasted holding a torch for this one. Life gets much more complicated. Be with someone there's not family history or trouble with.

 

I hope you can see how much better off you are, not in that relationship, soon.

 

Have you we've asked your dad what's his thing with your ex's dad?

[Reiben17]

You're so young! You have so much life in front of you! Don't let your life get wasted holding a torch for this one. Life gets much more complicated. Be with someone there's not family history or trouble with.

 

I hope you can see how much better off you are, not in that relationship, soon.

 

Have you we've asked your dad what's his thing with your ex's dad?

 

Thank you so much for that.

 

My dad can't bear to hear that family's name,

I was always too afraid to ask him anything about it,

Because of the way his face darkened if ever that family was mentioned in front of him.

 

But my mom told me anyway,

They fought over a girl

But neither of them got her,

That girl, was an aunt of mine...

(My mom's sister)

 

So they never saw each others face ever again.

 

Thing is,

my ex's mom comes over to my place,

And my mom goes over to his,

 

It's still soo hard for me to look at his mom( he resembles her alot) and make it through the rest of the day without crying..

 

My mom tells me that she sees him too sometimes, when she goes over and that he greets her as normally as anything,

Like nothing ever happened.

 

I can't get my head around how he does it.

 

During the time that we were together,

It was him who was clingy,...

And now ...

 

It's more painful because he treated me the best i know he could,

He never hurt me,

I was actually beginning to heal with him,

 

The first and the only time he hurt me was when he left,

No explanation,

No nothing.

I think that's why it hurts so much...also because it was my first heartbreak.

Edited July 9, 2015 by Reiben17

[DJOkawari]

The first and the only time he hurt me was when he left,

 

 

This, the clinginess, and being unable to move on in spite of a lot of other options. I know exactly what you mean...some how it just hurts extra. I'm a guy pining for a girl, it would seem like our ages and personalities are quite different as well - but I can still feel every emotion in your writing. I just want you to know that your experience is very relatable. There's no solution but continuing to exist and explore, I truly believe we'll get through it.

[Reiben17]

This, the clinginess, and being unable to move on in spite of a lot of other options. I know exactly what you mean...some how it just hurts extra. I'm a guy pining for a girl, it would seem like our ages and personalities are quite different as well - but I can still feel every emotion in your writing. I just want you to know that your experience is very relatable. There's no solution but continuing to exist and explore, I truly believe we'll get through it.

 

Thank you, it means alot really.

 

My mom says that maybe repressing my feelings and memories might help,

That maybe pretending like nothing ever happened...

Because everyone else really is acting like it.

Our moms don't talk about it anymore,

My friends who know never mention him knowing I can't hear his name,

My brothers do the same.

 

She says these things might help overcoming it.

 

I'm trying

 

I just loved him with everything i had.

Every bit of me loved every bit of him,

And he knew that,

I cant even begin to describe the intensity...

 

We talked about EVERYTHING...

Everything there ever was to talk about,

And he pried and pried everything out of me,

as if he wanted to turn me inside out,

 

I just wish he hadn't done that...if he ever even had a hunch that he couldn't love me always,

 

Just wish he had left some part of me to myself..

 

maybe he's not even thinking about me,

He could've gotten in and out of 2-3 relationships by now...

 

And I'm........pathetic...:/

Even after 2 years

Edited July 9, 2015 by Reiben17

[15Love]

You're not pathetic because you feel deeply. You're blessed...and cursed, unfortunately.

 

One thing you should know is him walking away saying nothing is no small deal. He should have spoken to you. Let yourself get angry about that. Then use that steam to move forward with your life.

 

And don't look back.

[Reiben17]

What doesn't really go away is wanting him to realise what he lost,

For him to finally see that i was with him when literally nobody was....

 

But I'll never know.

Since he's not coming back.

 

But god was he my best friend...

[15Love]

I'm so sorry. Just know your not alone. And you sound like a wonderful person...to be there when no one else was. Take pride in that.

[Reiben17]

I had this colossal fight with my mom and in my desperation i ended up calling him .......

 

He sounded soo eager to talk to me,

But i hung up,

 

Even though how much i had missed hearing his voice,

It felt wrong as soon i called him.

 

After i hung up,

He texted,

We talked briefly,

He told me he was driving and that as soon as he got off the wheel he wanted to get back to me to talk.

 

I tried telling him that we didn't have to,

He began to push,

i went along with him.

 

But as soon as the conversation ended,

I blocked him.

 

I have an Overthinking problem i guess,

I think and think and think until i make myself miserable.

 

I know that he hangs with the wrong kind of crowd,

That hes not good for me.

Never was.

I deserve better.

 

But i suppose i have just been thinking that nothing like that was ever gonna happen for me.

I've been pulling myself down to his level.

I know that every other girl who might be in his radius knows better than to get with the likes of him.

I can't believe how I could've been sooo stupid!

 

I can't believe i still remember his number!

Edited July 12, 2015 by Reiben17

[15Love]

Ooooooo, nooo! What a mess! When we fight with our loved ones that ALWAYS is a trigger.

 

All I can say is you sound like you're practicing being strong. Keep practicing. That was a bit of a slip. But keep going.

 

A word of caution . Do what you can to forget that number! That's no small thing. Once it's ingrained...yikes. His number is like a social security number to me. It's been my undoing.

 

Forget that number!!

[Reiben17]

There's this occasion coming up,

he will be there,

And I can't back out either,

 

It's complicated.

Can't explain why I can't avoid being there.

 

But I'm freaking out!!!!!!

 

I DONT WANT TO SEE HIM!

 

I'm not ready!!!

 

And now that I've broken NC!!!

[15Love]

How far away is the function? IMO you won't be able to start true nc until after that.

 

Anyone have advice on how to do nc when you have to see the person??

[Reiben17]

How far away is the function? IMO you won't be able to start true nc until after that.

 

Anyone have advice on how to do nc when you have to see the person??

 

It's not so far...

 

Yeah i guess ur right.

But I'm gonna try and do my best with not showing up...

Because i know myself,

I know how self-destructive i can be.

I won't be able to handle it if he tried to talk to me,

And I CANT RIGHT NOW...

 

Maybe in a year or two,

I might just be able to be casual with him.

I can't completely avoid him all my life.

But right now is a big no-no...

Since I've been thinking about him so much lately...

 

And 15love u definitely did not contribute to my slip like u said in ur thread,

I had felt this coming for a long time now,

That fight with mum just gave me the push over the edge.

[Reiben17]

He said he's been wanting to talk to me for a very long time......

 

Why the hell would he say that???

 

And if he did,

What was stopping him??!

 

And what does he want to talk about?

I mean,

I'm the one who contacted him,

Being the dumpee that's the only rule that I should've not broken ever.

But i did,

 

Isn't he supposed to be annoyed that a long time ex has suddenly popped up again?

 

Shouldn't he have said something like 'why the hell wont you leave me alone'

Actually that would've relieved me...

 

Why say things that you don't even MEAN.....?

 

If he wanted to get in touch,

Why didn't he do it himself?

If it's true that he's been meaning to for a year??

 

Im so confused!

 

Any insights?

[casey.lives]

move on. life is a mystery. we die with lots of questions, just ad to the list. be strong. stop talking about it. life is an ebb and flow of people coming in and out. get used to it

[Gus Grimly]

life is an ebb and flow of people coming in and out. get used to it

 

That's why you should savor and appreciate the time you share with those you love, because everything has an expiration date.

[Reiben17]

I appreciate all your words...

 

I've always been someone who had just one close friend instead of 50 meaningless ones,

 

and he probably was the closest i got to anybody,

thats why I'm having a hard time 'getting over it'

 

I do cherish each and every person who loves me,

It's just...that up until now i haven't been able to completely remove him from my mind...