How do I get the courage to walk away?

[dependent]

I am 28 years old and have been married to my husband for almost 4 and a half years (dated for 2 years). I feel like we have come to the end of our relationship. We have difficulty communicating and have not been intimate in over 2 years. Our fights go from something small to us not talking for weeks. I always have to resolve the argument by saying "let's move on from this" and we never really resolve anything. because we end up fighting about the same thing a couple months (if not weeks) later. If I don't my end the fight, husband will keep ignoring me. Two years ago, I refused to give in and we went 3 months without talking - then I gave in!

 

We have tried counseling, where my husband was diagnosed with Adult Aspergers. We stopped going to counseling short because our counselor kept talking about her grandchildren. But she suggested that my husband seek individual counseling for his "disorder" - but he does not want to go as he has the mentality that only crazy people go to shrinks. I have given up many friends because my husband does not like to socialize. He is happy to sit at home and watch tv - he says he just wants to spend time with me - but staring at a tv screen is not my idea of sharing. I feel like I don't know who he is - he does not open up to me and share his feelings with me. His most common response to me is "I don't know what you want me to say".

 

We are at the point now where we spend all our time together. I occassionally will go out with work friends but turn down invitations to "couple events" because when I ask my husband to go, he just makes an excuse not to go and to be honest I get embarrassed that he is so quiet. The only place he feels comfortable is at my parents and his family (who live about 300 miles away). I do not get along with my mother-in-law (who is a mean old lady - on our most recent visit she yelled out to about 20 people at a wedding buffet table that I was not good enough for "her son". ) I now refuse to go visit her.

 

Anyway - I feel that our relationship is over. We are at the point now where we co-exist, not talking or even looking at each other. I am partially financially dependent on him (I could make it on my own, if I made a few cut backs!) I do however take care of all our finances and all our other daily needs. I feel that if I leave he not be able to take care of himself and will not be able to move on, make friends and maybe even marry again.

 

I love him but not as a wife should love a husband. I do not see a future with him. How do I get the courage to walk away?

[ConfusedInOC]

Yikes.

 

At 28 you still have your whole life ahead of you.

 

Communication, I keep preaching, is the #1 aspect of any relationship. Something is bothering him. Have you asked him? Tell him you feel that the relationship is coming to a close and you want to know if he wants to work to resolve the issues or go your separate ways.

 

Not being married myself I can only sympathize with you. But if you can't resolve the problems you have, then it seems you have no choice.

 

Maybe if you threaten divorce he'll wake up and start talking?!

[dependent]

I have threatened to leave so many times, and I think he is at the point where he thinks I will not leave - just another empty threat. About an hour ago, I told him that I would be moving out in the next two weeks - hoping for some kind of reaction. He closed his eyes and then walked away from me. I think I have confused myself just as much and have become just as dependent as him. I guess I have lost so much of myself I cannot even make this decision. I know it is my decision to make - I just don't know how to leave.

 

I know it sounds really silly - but I need someone to tell me what to do.

 

Thanks for "listening".

[Amyjk]

Wow!! Brings back memories! Boy can I relate! You're still very young. Don't do what I did and wait until 13 yrs. into the marriage and 6 kids later before mustering up the courage to leave. I wanted to leave my husband for many years. I even went to counseling for 3 yrs. before realizing that it was fear of the unknown that was holding me back...That's when

I finally left my husband taking all 6 kids and started my journey. It's been 8 yrs. now and I have come a long ways. It wasn't always easy, but I knew I made the right decision for myself and the kids.

 

I went to school, I now have a job I love and the kids are doing great! I worried about my

ex too, but he did fine and we've been on good terms for a long time. He sees the kids

every other weekend. 8 months ago...I met a wonderful man and we're getting married soon. I've never been happier!! Life is Good!!!

 

I love that line from the old Eagles song "Already Gone" that goes...Often times it happens, that we live our lives in chains, and we never even know we have the key." Isn't that the truth!?! Good Luck to you!!

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by dependent

I know it sounds really silly - but I need someone to tell me what to do.

 

That's the thing. Nobody can "tell" you what to do. You have to weigh all the positives and negatives of leaving him and then following the most heavily weighted path.

 

It's how I make all my decisions. Whatever is the best decision, I make it. Maybe I'll question it in the future , but at this at the time I made it, it was the right decision.

[dependent]

I feel that I made my husband the way he is, by giving in and doing everything for him. Am I now being selfish? Is is cruel of me to walk away and leave him to cope by himself?

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by dependent

I feel that I made my husband the way he is, by giving in and doing everything for him. Am I now being selfish? Is is cruel of me to walk away and leave him to cope by himself?

 

Being a doormat isn't good.

 

If you walk away, he might change. But you will have to change in the process and not let him walk on you.

 

Are you prepared for that metamorphosis?

[dependent]

I guess that's what I am afraid of - that he will change (and become the person that I wanted him to be) after I leave.

 

I am afraid to walk away from him because I have depended on this relationship (no matter how messed up it is/was) for so long. I took off my wedding ring for the first time today and felt so insecure. I don't know who I am without him - and that scares me.

 

I know this is going to take time - but until then I guess I will take it day by day.

 

This is my first forum and did not think that people were interested in listening to other peoples problems or at least give advice worth taking. Thanks for sticking with me!

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by dependent

I guess that's what I am afraid of - that he will change (and become the person that I wanted him to be) after I leave.

 

If staying isn't working, then logically.....??

 

I am afraid to walk away from him because I have depended on this relationship (no matter how messed up it is/was) for so long. I took off my wedding ring for the first time today and felt so insecure. I don't know who I am without him - and that scares me.

 

I know how you feel but being overly dependent on someone else gives them all the power. You need to have you own self-assuredness and you can not do that if you are giving up ALL of your independence. Claim some of it back.

 

I know this is going to take time - but until then I guess I will take it day by day.

 

This is my first forum and did not think that people were interested in listening to other peoples problems or at least give advice worth taking. Thanks for sticking with me!

 

That's what we're here for. Regardless of race, color, creed, religion, etc. We're all on the same tiny boat called Earth trying to make it day by day....

[dgiirl]

Originally posted by dependent

I guess that's what I am afraid of - that he will change (and become the person that I wanted him to be) after I leave.

 

My husband left me 3 months ago claiming he didnt love me the way a husband should love his wife. The only problem, I never knew he was unhappy because he's never said a thing. I must commend you for actually talking with your husband and going to counselling. It seems like you've tried everything you possibly can, and you've communicated your needs very clearly to your husband and he still does not react. If your husband is like me, maybe this is a kick in the ass for him to smarten up and change. You can watch from a distance and see if he does. If he doesnt change, then you still did the right thing.

 

Perhaps you could tell him that you're moving out, and will be filing for a divorce. If he wants to save this marriage, he needs to go to counselling and fix his disorder.

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by dgiirl

My husband left me 3 months ago claiming he didnt love me the way a husband should love his wife. The only problem, I never knew he was unhappy because he's never said a thing.

 

Again, communication problems are the #1 cause of relationship failures.

 

If you're not talking about what's bothering you, it will fester until you do something drastic.

 

My ex was not a talker. She preferred to deal with everything inside, on her own. Never telling me what's bothering her and never opening up and being honest with me. However, when I tried to open the lines of communication she'd think I was trying to argue with her not matter how gently I tried to put things.

[dgiirl]

Originally posted by ConfusedInOC

Again, communication problems are the #1 cause of relationship failures.

 

Sad thing is, I thought we were great communicators. Now I realize it's been me doing all the talking. I need to learn to listen more

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by dgiirl

Sad thing is, I thought we were great communicators. Now I realize it's been me doing all the talking. I need to learn to listen more

 

Well, listening is part of it, but they have to be willing to talk and in doing so, be both frank and honest.

 

The ex didn't like to talk and even when I tried, she was neither frank or honest.

 

Yet she says she's 100% confident in her decision. I guess so, she wasn't willing to put in any effort. I don't care what anyone says, a great relationship is NOT free of effort.

[Mz. Pixie]

Dependent- I could have written your post- some parts of it anyway.

 

I'm with Amy- don't wait until you've been married 13 years and have children.

I did everything for my exhusband. I paid all the bills, made all the decisions, took care of the kids, negotiated for every major purchase, bought all the gifts we needed for bday's/Christmas. It was my way of showing love for him because Acts of Service are one of my love languages. He never had to worry about whether or not we had money or the kids needed their lunches packed or if the kids had clothes to wear. I handled it all with ease. I supported him in his career path- sacrificing my desire to go back to school because of our small children we didn't have help with (his job schedule wasn't flexible)

 

All I wanted from him was a little affection and attention. He stayed away from home almost every weekend, doing whatever he wanted and leaving me at home with the kids. I had to be the MAN- or it wouldn't get done. He never sacrificed for my needs or the needs of our kids- it was all about him. I told him many times I was unhappy- asked for counseling repeatedly and it did no good.

 

He didn't wake up until I started making plans to divorce him. Unfortuately, it was too late for me by that point. I'd lost all love for him.

 

You may have enable him to be the way he is- but he can change if he wants to. Sounds like he doesn't want to or he can't. It's up to you to decide whether or not you want to stay. Personally, if I hadn't been intimate with someone I was married to in two years- that would be a pretty good indicator that the relationship wasn't working.

 

You say you could support yourself but it would be tight. Yes, it is tight, and I have two small kids. However, I'm happier than I've ever been. The divorce was hell- but people that I work with have even commented on the difference it's made in my personality being happy. All of that isn't worth all the money in the world.

[dependent]

Thank you all for your support.

 

dgiirl - What happens if he does change? - then someone else gets the man I wanted.

 

How do I walk away without any guilt and not wonder if I did the right thing? I feel like I have tried more times than I can remember - but what if...

 

I want to walk away without that "what if" feeling. Is that possible?

[dgiirl]

Originally posted by dependent

Thank you all for your support.

 

dgiirl - What happens if he does change? - then someone else gets the man I wanted.

 

How do I walk away without any guilt and not wonder if I did the right thing? I feel like I have tried more times than I can remember - but what if...

 

I want to walk away without that "what if" feeling. Is that possible?

 

What if he never changes, are you happy right now? If he does change, then maybe he'll change into the man you need. Someone who will take care of you, and will listen to your needs. If he changes into that man, then he'll come for you. It's definitely not easy, and perhaps you're not ready to take that next step. Have you talked this over with your therapist?

[dependent]

You are right - I am not happy now. But like you I keep holding on to that hope. Please someone tell me how to let go of the "false" hope.

I think it would be easier if he had cheated on me or if he did not want to be with me anymore, then I could blame him for my misery.

Right now I can only blame myself.

 

I have not been to a therapist (other than the counselor we went to together). I guess I am afraid to hear the words and admit to my mistakes in the marriage - I am such a mess!!!

[dgiirl]

Originally posted by dependent

I have not been to a therapist (other than the counselor we went to together). I guess I am afraid to hear the words and admit to my mistakes in the marriage - I am such a mess!!!

 

Oh, perhaps IC would be the next step before you make any decisions. It should help you resolve some of your feelings, and give you a better understanding if you should stay or leave. I found IC very helpful in understanding what I did to break up the marriage, and certain things that I could do to fix it. In my case it's too late, but it'll help for any future relationships. I've been able to understand certain childhood fears I've had too, and why I stayed in this relationship as long as I did. Even tho he's the one leaving, there are many things that should have told me to leave too. Or atleast make me more assertive in getting the things *I* need.

[augustkay]

I read your posting and thought... wow this is me, or was me.

My ex husband and I were married for 6 years together 11.

 

I am going to spare you all my details but let you know that the same fears you have, I had and now 4 years later he still hasnt changed, still hasnt remarried, still is the same person I left. I now know that I did make the right decision because he is in the same place he was when I left. So please dont worry about him... you cant. Think about you. Its a hard transition, I was a stay at home mom and he supported us, now I make alot more then him in just 4 years of being on my own. Look inside yourself Im now 28 and glad I didnt sit back and wait for him to change. You deserve to be happy and I hope you find the courage like I did to be a strong women and stand on your own. I know the guilt you feel, but I also know the happiness you could feel.

[Straightlovely]

Originally posted by dependent

Thank you all for your support.

 

dgiirl - What happens if he does change? - then someone else gets the man I wanted.

 

How do I walk away without any guilt and not wonder if I did the right thing? I feel like I have tried more times than I can remember - but what if...

 

I want to walk away without that "what if" feeling. Is that possible?

 

 

 

Everyone changes. It's impossible to be on this earth and not change for the better or the worse. However, there are many men on this earth. One person is attracted to many people. He is not the ONLY man for you. There are other fish in the sea. If he changes for the better, than be happy that he can live a better life as a better person. Sometimes it takes drastic situations for people to change but that doesn't mean that you should wait forever for him to change because that change may not come with you. You have to accept that.

 

The second question I can't answer for you because I'm tryin to figure that out myself. I want to leave my husband but I feel guilty for wanting to do it. Especially since he is trying to change and get counselling for us. I just don't love him anymore. But I feel like I'll be a jerk to walk away from him while he's trying to do better even if I don't love him anymore. Almost as if I owe him my effort. But I forget that I gave my effort...for years! So think of what you've been through and ask yourself if you want to continue to do what you've been doing? Can you love him forever the way he is if he never changed? Can you truly be happy?

 

The only way I think it's possible to walk away without a "what if" feeling, is to be completely confident in your decision. When you know without a shadow of a doubt that you have made the right decision for your life and in your heart then you can walk away without a "what if" feeling. "What ifs" are for people who want to change their past decisions.

 

Bottomline, if you are not sure then don't leave. If you can without a shadow of a doubt look your husband in the eye and tell him that you dont' love him anymore and you are leaving, then you have found the strength to walk out of the door.

[dependent]

Thanks for the advice.

 

I think the thing that is making it difficult for me to leave is that I do still love him. I know it seems strange - how can I love someone who makes me feel this way? I just do - he is a great guy but there are things that I need from him - emotional support etc. that he is just not giving me.

 

I have threatened to leave so many times, that when I tell him now, he does not even respond to me. Has anyone else had this happen to them? How do you deal with the fact that you are pretty much begging someone to say something to make you change your mind and give you a reason to stay and they do not respond? It makes me wonder if he really wants to make our marriage work or if he is unhappy and subtly pushing me out and making me walk leave so that it looks like I broke up the marriage - am I paranoid?

 

I appreciate everyone's input - thank you.

[AusGirl]

i see where you are coming from....

 

I dont know what to do with my other half and i always come to the same conclusion but there is always that 'what if' factor.

 

Do what you think is best for you, dont worry about will he or wont he change. If he doesnt want to change now he never will.

 

I have come to live with that fact and it kills me most days but i put up with it coz i love him.

[AusGirl]

Originally posted by dependent

Thanks for the advice.

 

I think the thing that is making it difficult for me to leave is that I do still love him. I know it seems strange - how can I love someone who makes me feel this way? I just do - he is a great guy but there are things that I need from him - emotional support etc. that he is just not giving me.

 

I have threatened to leave so many times, that when I tell him now, he does not even respond to me. Has anyone else had this happen to them? How do you deal with the fact that you are pretty much begging someone to say something to make you change your mind and give you a reason to stay and they do not respond? It makes me wonder if he really wants to make our marriage work or if he is unhappy and subtly pushing me out and making me walk leave so that it looks like I broke up the marriage - am I paranoid?

 

I appreciate everyone's input - thank you.

 

i do the same thing.

 

(sorry about the 2 posts....just read this one)

[curly]

Dependent - your name says everything. You're completely dependent upon your H for things that he is not giving you. I just started to read a book - "How to break your addiction to a person" by Halpern. It's very insightful.

 

I've been dealing with lots of issues myself. Including, I swear..., having been trying to reconcile with my xH for the last 4 years. We divorced 8 years ago. No kids, just the "ties", bond, history, etc. that have kept us both trying. But we get no where. Neither wants to make it work. For whatever reasons, we can't. But we can't seem to let go either. That's when I found this book. It's cheaper than a therapist, but requires some really serious soul searching. Very scary stuff....

 

The "what if" factor is a real problem if you let it get into your head. What if you stay and he doesn't change? What if you go and he changes and some other woman reaps the benefits? No one can say whether that will happen. But you must realize that if it does, then he changed for her, not you. If he changes for you, he will let nothing stand in his way to reconcile with you.

 

The fear of the unknown is out there. There's no getting around it. You will hurt. Ending your marriage is not an easy thing. If it was, we wouldn't all be in therapy.

 

As for the "false" hope, if you already know it's false hope, why stick around?

 

You can leave a marriage even when there's still love. There will probably always be love or caring feelings. You just have to decide if what you are giving and getting from this relationship is fulfilling you. Can you as a person be sustained by it?

 

"how can I love someone who makes me feel this way?"

 

The book addresses this question. Try it or therapy. Just do something. Good luck.

[dependent]

Thank you everyone for your input. I think I have come a long way in a week or so. I am still living my my husband. He has gone to visit his mother this weekend (the wicked witch!) and I got to spend the weekend alone. I know it is not the same as being separated but it gives me a taste of how things are going to be when we do separate.

 

I have looked into therapy (insurance etc.) and am going to start going as soon as I get an appointment. Thank you for you push. I know it's what I needed.

 

I am trying to find the book - curly - thank you for your input. I know the feeling of not working and not wanting to let go. My husband and I do everything together and for the first time in a long time I did many things that we normally do together by myself (going to the grocery store, taking my car to the car wash etc.) - talk about dependent.

 

I feel really good about the small steps I am taking and look forward to everyones support - I know it's going to get worse before it gets better!

 

Happy Mother's Day to all the moms out there!