daveh82 Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 I am having a horrible time the last few weeks. Basically what happened is I was in Denver visiting a buddy for a wedding. My wife stayed behind and went out with her girlfriend. She had to work the next day at a new job she had just had for one week. I had been texting her occasionally throughout the evening and everything seemed fine. It was getting late, about 2:00am, so I texted her, something along the line of, "it's getting late, you might consider going home" She said I am just going to spend the night at my friends house. Well something didn't sit well with me on that for some reason. Up until this moment of 12+ years I have never doubted a word she has said to me. I located her phone on Find My Iphone and she wasn't at her friends house. I asked her again to see if maybe plans changed or what not and she continued to lie. Then she said she was at home. Then she said the garage door didn't alert me because she went thru the front door because she didn't want the dogs barking. I mean lie after lie. She then eventually turned off her phone because she knew the gig was up. The next morning we walked and she said she took an uber home around 3. Well I found out that was a lie because I was able to sign into her uber account and saw she finally came home at around 6:30am. She only came clean basically when she had no choice to do so. She said her friend locked herself out of her house so they spent the night in the guest bedroom. I was still really mad and upset that she lied so much to me, but I thought I was over it. Well last night we were out with her friend and I find out that she actually slept in the guys bed. The guy was supposedly downstairs and slept on the couch. She claims she lied because she was drunk and I was going to be judgmental, which I would of been. But what I don't understand is the great lengths she went to, to cover this whole thing up. I don't think she cheated on me but when she lied so much I have no idea what to think and the hurt is so strong. I feel like my best friend in the entire world, my wife, just died...but she is still alive. I have no idea how to proceed. Up until this, our marriage has been pretty decent and solid, but now I don't know. Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 Get tested for STDs and continue to investigate; I doubt this was a one-time thing and she may try and contact the guy again to "get their stories straight." Perhaps install a Voice Activated Recorder in her car (where most people conduct secret discussions). Look at her phone usage and install a key-logger on her computer. Don't let on that you are continuing to monitor her but I would be very concerned as well. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
understand50 Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 Get tested for STDs and continue to investigate; I doubt this was a one-time thing and she may try and contact the guy again to "get their stories straight." Perhaps install a Voice Activated Recorder in her car (where most people conduct secret discussions). Look at her phone usage and install a key-logger on her computer. Don't let on that you are continuing to monitor her but I would be very concerned as well. Hate to say it, but you wife may have passed a line, and has been for some time. She also maybe innocent of anything, but this behavior does warrant you looking into her actions. Also, who is this guy, your story of what happen is disjointed. Were your wife and friend at a guys house? I think her nights out need to be addressed on what she is doing. A girls night out is fine, but it is not a invitation for cheating. I hope for the best and this is nothing more then over drinking and staying somewhere that you may not have liked, and that nothing happened. But, married women, should not get so drunk that they have to do this. In any case you need a really frank discussion with your wife. You need to get to the bottom of this. Wish you the best outcome possible. Link to post Share on other sites
Author daveh82 Posted July 9, 2015 Author Share Posted July 9, 2015 Yes, it was a guys house. A friend of her friends who apparently she has hooked up with before. The friend, not my wife. The story that is being presented to me is that they were sleeping in the bed together, my wife and her girlfriend. And apparently the friend went downstairs and started making out with the guy. I am inclined to believe my wife but I am really feeling hurt and have become almost obsessive over it. It's like I have it stuck in my mine she cheated on me, but I actually don't think she did. It is causing lots of issues. I have been checking her phone so much, she got mad and changed the passcode on it, which I sorta don't blame her, but that makes me even more mad. Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 All the drama and lies indicate she has a LOT she's hiding. You can't trust her and she has really poor boundaries. Why do you think this is enough to stay married to a gal that's not honest, honoring and respecting you? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Dutchman1 Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 daveh82 I'm sorry for you, My gut says it's not the first time, and maybe it was a trio, maybe it was nothing ? Please listen to CarrieT's advise. Good luck and people are here to help you. Dutchman 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 It does sound pretty awful & I can see why you don't trust her but what I don't understand is what made you suspicious in the 1st place. Would you have felt better if you knew the whole truth (assuming this is the truth), that she got drunk, her GF locked herself out, they slept in this other guy's bed without him & she came home at 6:30? There is a lot to be said for full disclosure because it shows that the truth is nothing to be afraid of or end a marriage over. If something like that happened to me, got drunk & friend was locked out of her house while DH was away, even though I'm not a texting fan, DH probably would have gotten a play by play. I also probably would not have allowed somebody to give up their bed for me. Although I agree with a lot of what you have been told, if what happened is really all that happened, and your wife stops with the trickle truth BS, do you think she can ever win your trust back? If that's possible, I'd work to save your marriage. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bubbaganoosh Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 I have been checking her phone so much, she got mad and changed the passcode on it, which I sorta don't blame her, but that makes me even more mad. You lost. In the above quote you said "I don't blame her". Got news friend, keep that attitude up and your going to get run over. If it's me, I sit her down, ask her to put herself in your shoes and ask her after a half dozen lies would she trust you. If she says yes then she's lying again. You better let her know that if she hides her pass word on her phone so you cant read it, then she has more to hide. Let her know in a way she has one foot on a banana peel and the other in the grave and she's doing a good job of being thrown out. If you still don't feel like she's honest, tell her that your setting up a polygraph test ans she will take it. She gives you grief about it then you know that she has more to hide. And I would let her know that if she can't come home at a reasonable time then there will be changes. You back down from this and it might come back and haunt you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 I missed the thing about her changing the password. Given these other lies she should be handing you her phone to prove she has nothing to hide. Her behavior indicates she may not want reconciliation. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Winterina Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 I feel for you, I really do. There is nothing that gets a decent person more frustrated and hurt than someone you love lying to you and lying some more when you find out the truth. And some more... From this moment on, prepare to be paranoid about everything and to not trust a word she says. Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 People who aren't up to no good have no reason to lie. When a story changes as much as hers has, then she was up to something she had no business doing. Drunk or not. Uber could have taken her home from the bar. She chose not to go in that direction. It's the constant lying that is the problem here. You have a liar for a wife. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Grumpybutfun Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 People who aren't up to no good have no reason to lie. When a story changes as much as hers has, then she was up to something she had no business doing. Drunk or not. Uber could have taken her home from the bar. She chose not to go in that direction. It's the constant lying that is the problem here. You have a liar for a wife. ^^^^ Completely agree.... Trust just went boooooom.....unacceptable. If she lies, she could cheat. Sorry, man, Grumpy Link to post Share on other sites
DaisyBug Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 I don't get it. Your wife's female friend locked herself out of her house and slept at some other guy's house? Why did your wife have to come along? If she was using Uber anyway, she didn't need to stay overnight somewhere else because she couldn't drive while drunk. Am I missing something? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
DaisyBug Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 People who aren't up to no good have no reason to lie. When a story changes as much as hers has, then she was up to something she had no business doing. Drunk or not. Uber could have taken her home from the bar. She chose not to go in that direction. It's the constant lying that is the problem here. You have a liar for a wife. You beat me to it. Ha. That's what I get for taking too long to send! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 I would have thought if she was working the next day , she wouldn't have been out drinking the night before. Does she often get drunk like this? Are you absolutely certain that she was working the next day? Do you usually travel away for work? Is the guy she mentioned single? Is her friend single? How does she know this guy? I'm suspicious of the number of lies you were told in such a short space of time . I don't understand why your wife and her girlfriend didn't go back to your house if the friend was locked out. She has something to hide and I think if she caught you in a set of lies like this, she'd also be suspicious. When you were checking her phone you should have not done it overtly. I don't think marching her in for a polygraph is going to work. If she's changed her passcode, she won't be up for a poly. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Radu Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 Yes, it was a guys house. A friend of her friends who apparently she has hooked up with before. The friend, not my wife. The story that is being presented to me is that they were sleeping in the bed together, my wife and her girlfriend. And apparently the friend went downstairs and started making out with the guy. I am inclined to believe my wife but I am really feeling hurt and have become almost obsessive over it. It's like I have it stuck in my mine she cheated on me, but I actually don't think she did. It is causing lots of issues. I have been checking her phone so much, she got mad and changed the passcode on it, which I sorta don't blame her, but that makes me even more mad. I don't know if she is cheating, but it all points to betrayed trust ... which is something she doesn't want to or can't get it. First of all is her turning the phone off so you can't track it. Then with you going nuts over trust, she decides to password it. Why did she get married in the first place ? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 I would have thought if she was working the next day , she wouldn't have been out drinking the night before. Agreed and this alone would be enough to raise alarm - she picks a night you're gone to go out, party and stumble in drunk to a friend's house on a work day at a new job :eek:??? Perhaps she says you're judgmental because, based on her conduct, she's afraid of the verdict. Gaslighting, Chapter One of the WS handbook... Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
wizer Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 The repeated lies, the twisted concocted story, her coming only partially clean when you confronted her with your evidence, her changing the passcode on her phone.. there are huge problems here and cheating is definitely not out of the question. You cannot let this go. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Morro72 Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 It's like I have it stuck in my mine she cheated on me, but I actually don't think she did. Given what you've described, what reason do you have for thinking she didn't cheat on you? The evidence, such as it is, seems to point in another direction. Also, any chance the guy in question works at her new place of employment? (And if so, any chance she knew him before she started working there?) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 (edited) Fact that she changed the password is very suspicious and a red flag. If she has nothing to hide then you reading on her phone should not matter, at all! Think back before this happened. How often does she get together with that particular friend? Does she stay out late often? Sleep over at that friends house or was that first time? Something feels very off because of her lies. Also, if she knew you'd be upset with the whole situation, why did she PUT herself IN that situation to begin with? Is she secretive with her phone? Does she act a little off and distant? Pay attention from now on and see if she is acting differently overall. If she has nothing to hide and she's done nothing wrong then her reassuring you and making you feel loved and secure, easing your mind etc., would happen easily. Instead she's pissy about it and changed her password. RED FLAG!! Edited July 10, 2015 by whichwayisup 1 Link to post Share on other sites
itmustbeme Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 Why would she need to shut her phone off that night after you busted her? Probably because she needed to do other things with her hands and mouth when she was busted. She should've remained on the phone with you talking. And they just so happen to have to stay at another man's house after losing their keys? There could have been another man there as well so they coupled off. Why else would she turn off her phone it's hard to have sex with a guy when the husband keeps calling! Get a VAR. You leave town and all this happens. This was planned and you almost ruined it for her. With all the obvious lies she is cheating on you. Having sex with other men. All the signs are there. Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 You have no reason totrust her or believe a thing coming out of her mouth. Unfortunately you also have no reason to believe that she did not have sex with him or any host of other guys. However since you seem to be holding on to some hope that at least something she is saying is honest, you are going to need to do your own investigating and find the truth for yourself. Hack her computers, install astrologers so you can retrieve deleted messages and passwords. Install VARs in her car or other places she may have a secret convo. Hire a PI to watch her next time you go out of town (plan a fake trip out of town and a nearby motel and have PI record what she does. Most importantly STOP ASKING HER ABOUT IT. Pretend you got your answer and are good with it. Play dumb. All of this above is so that you discover and acknowledge that she is cheating. You don't need to convince her of it, she already knows. You just need to find out the truth for yourself. I am sorry this is happening to you. Link to post Share on other sites
SSJROMANCE Posted July 11, 2015 Share Posted July 11, 2015 (edited) Something doesn't smell right here. First she shouldn't be out late like this without you. Second my wife is like that too. Lie after lie after lie until you bust her but she never comes clean. I think she did more than just sleep in the same bed with this guy. Men and women, especially drunk, do not sleep in the same bed without having sex. That is my opinion and based on the way she continues to lie I think she is still lying to you about that. I would continue your investigation to find the truth. What women do a lot is when they are backed into a corner they will give out just enough information in hopes that you will think that was the end of it. My wife's friend also did the same thing. When busted with text messages from her boss she initially denied everything then she admitted she only kissed him until she finally admitted they had sex. Either way your wife has some major issues that need to be hashed out. Good luck. Edited July 11, 2015 by SSJROMANCE 1 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted July 11, 2015 Share Posted July 11, 2015 Your wife isn't even good at creating creative stories to cover her cheating up. How low. Since she isn't remorseful, I'd say get an attorney to see your divorce options. Do you have kids? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Lois_Griffin Posted July 11, 2015 Share Posted July 11, 2015 Yes, it was a guys house. A friend of her friends who apparently she has hooked up with before. The friend, not my wife. The story that is being presented to me is that they were sleeping in the bed together, my wife and her girlfriend. And apparently the friend went downstairs and started making out with the guy. I am inclined to believe my wife but I am really feeling hurt and have become almost obsessive over it. It's like I have it stuck in my mine she cheated on me, but I actually don't think she did. It is causing lots of issues. I have been checking her phone so much, she got mad and changed the passcode on it, which I sorta don't blame her, but that makes me even more mad. Boy, does she have YOU snowed. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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