Our conversation today

[Winterina]

Me (after finding some messages in his old phone): so that girl that you told me you were blown off by and you were having a 7 month thing? You told me you met her, exchanged numbers, and she blew you off by not showing up for date and that was it.

Him: What do you mean 7 month?

Me: well, you met her during hurricane Sandy, right? That was Oct 2012. These messages in phone are from Christmas 2012. And then you said you told Jordan that she blew you off. And you met Jordan in May 2013 at work.

Him: No, I was working there already in Oct 2012.

Me: Ok, here I found your CV and it said you started working there in May 2013.

Him: In May 2013?

Me: Yes.

Him: I don't know.

Me: So why did you misrepresent everything?

Him: I did not.

Me: you told me you met her and right away invited her out and she blew you off. That was in Oct 2012.

Him: I don't know, I don't remember.

Me: Was she the one you referred to as a dateish thing when we started our relationship?

Him: No.

Me: How can I trust you when all your stories turn out to be something totally different from what you told me. Were you BSing me that you did not have any interest in dating women for years before we met?

Him: No. I did not have any interest in anyone.

Me: But pursuing someone for 7 month is kind of a interest.

Him: What do you mean 7 month?

Me: You met her in Oct. She blew you off. You were still talking and asking her out in the end of Dec.

 

 

Him: October?!!

 

 

Me: Yes, October, when you met her.

Him: 7 month??!! No, it was not that long.

Me: But you just told me that you met her in Oct and she blew you off and that was all between you two. Yet, you have messages from December when you are inviting her out. And you told Jordan in May she blew you off and it was a fresh story at the time.

 

 

Him: No, you got that all wrong.

Me: Ok, what is the truth then?

Him: I don't know, I don't remember. I thought I told you the truth and I am telling you the truth.

Me: But it does not match this messages or the fact that you would be telling to Jordan about being blown off in May 2013.

Him: Then she blew me off in May.

Me: But you said it was right when you met her.

Him: When I met her?!

 

 

Me: can you please just tell me, no matter what.

Him: I am telling you the truth, can we just drop this.

.... and so on in circles, with a lot of Me? October? 7 month? Just stop with this!

 

 

I am shaking from sadness, anger, frustration, pain...

I do give a **** about anything that happened. But I do not like being manipulated and lied to. I don't like someone misrepresenting things to me. And I do not like being asked one million times October? what do you mean, in October? And having to explain that just to move on to 7 month? No, I did not even keep in touch for a month... when all facts indicate differently.

 

 

How should I talk to someone like this? I am losing my sanity and mental health.

[MM1234]

Are you guys married or no? If you aren't married - you do know that you can easily walk away, right? And what I mean by "easily" is that you don't have any legal binds to him like you would if you were married.

[kendahke]

How should I talk to someone like this?

 

You don't. You don't engage liars when you have the truth in front of you. Huge waste of time and energy.

 

I am losing my sanity and mental health.

 

The two things that should be the most precious things to protect.

 

Just leave him alone. He's a bald faced liar. He wouldn't know the truth if it snatched back his head and isht down his throat.

[Winterina]

I really do not care what happened in his past, AS LONG AS when talking about it, he is not lying to me. Then I have to wonder what else is he lying about. Why is he lying about it, etc... Drives me crazy and kills my love for him.

[Mr. Lucky]

I really do not care what happened in his past, AS LONG AS when talking about it, he is not lying to me. Then I have to wonder what else is he lying about. Why is he lying about it, etc... Drives me crazy and kills my love for him.

 

I don't get it - his lack of recall or even misrepresenting a relationship from BEFORE he met you is a white lie at worst. Many of us exaggerate or diminish on occasion to look or feel better about ourselves.

 

Why are you so upset ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[Winterina]

I don't get it - his lack of recall or even misrepresenting a relationship from BEFORE he met you is a white lie at worst. Many of us exaggerate or diminish on occasion to look or feel better about ourselves.

 

Why are you so upset ???

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Errr.... because he lied to me and when I asked him about it he drove me around like an idiot over and over again, ignored my anguish and expected me to just trust him against the evidence.

 

 

No offence, but you are the kind of guy (judging by your statement) that most of women are afraid to end up in a relationship with.

[Tayla]

Errr.... because he lied to me and when I asked him about it he drove me around like an idiot over and over again, ignored my anguish and expected me to just trust him against the evidence.

 

 

No offence, but you are the kind of guy (judging by your statement) that most of women are afraid to end up in a relationship with.

 

Many a "lady" here would welcome Mr Lucky. He is quite the rational gent.

 

When you mature a bit Winterina and ask questions without snooping and interrogating, you may just find A man as good as Lucky. Til then accept your mannerisms and ways as communicating as an area that could be improved upon. Sorry but the "me" generation bus left a decade ago...

[Winterina]

Many a "lady" here would welcome Mr Lucky. He is quite the rational gent.

 

When you mature a bit Winterina and ask questions without snooping and interrogating, you may just find A man as good as Lucky. Til then accept your mannerisms and ways as communicating as an area that could be improved upon. Sorry but the "me" generation bus left a decade ago...

 

Do you know him personally that you can say something like that. Wanna take a vote on this forum right here and now and see how many women would love their guys to have these "little white lies" about their former life told to them?

[Tayla]

Do you know him personally that you can say something like that. Wanna take a vote on this forum right here and now and see how many women would love their guys to have these "little white lies" about their former life told to them?

 

Stay on topic. Not sure if creating a poll would resolve your problem in interrogating another ADULT. You could ask the mods here about that part.

 

I think what the real issue is distrust. How long have you carried distrust for people?

[Mr. Lucky]

Many a "lady" here would welcome Mr Lucky. He is quite the rational gent.

 

When you mature a bit Winterina and ask questions without snooping and interrogating, you may just find A man as good as Lucky. Til then accept your mannerisms and ways as communicating as an area that could be improved upon. Sorry but the "me" generation bus left a decade ago...

 

Well...gosh :o

 

No offence, but you are the kind of guy (judging by your statement) that most of women are afraid to end up in a relationship with.

 

Winterina, my apologies, not my intention to rile you. It was a real question, don't understand how your upset meter got to "11" with him over such a small thing...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Winterina]

Small thing? Why is it a small thing to lie about something that happened in the past in regard to your relationships? That is not basis for anything healthy in the future.

I would not care about that SO much either if he told me the truth. But the way he handled it was to drive me around and watch me agonise and get more and more frustrated and angry... it progressed.

How would you like a person you love to make a fool out of you? And for what reason... If he cannot tell me this what can he tell me. No trust no relationship.

 

 

And stop calling me immature to the other poster, that is very immature of you. I know what I want and I want to be told truth, no matter what. I am surprised that someone would call that immature.

[lil hoodlum]

Not trying to push any buttons but why are you questioning things that happened in 2012 or 2013? The year is now 2015 and these events happened 2 to 2.5 years ago.

 

 

I have a hard time recollecting specific dates and times of events from a year ago much less 2 plus years ago.

 

 

I mean of course you have every right to distrust someone and be entitled to your feelings.

 

 

To me, it just seems kind of pointless if these events are from his past before he met you. Just my opinion, you may or may not agree with it.

[Babs22]

Small thing? Why is it a small thing to lie about something that happened in the past in regard to your relationships? That is not basis for anything healthy in the future.

I would not care about that SO much either if he told me the truth. But the way he handled it was to drive me around and watch me agonise and get more and more frustrated and angry... it progressed.

How would you like a person you love to make a fool out of you? And for what reason... If he cannot tell me this what can he tell me. No trust no relationship.

 

 

And stop calling me immature to the other poster, that is very immature of you. I know what I want and I want to be told truth, no matter what. I am surprised that someone would call that immature.

 

Winterina,

I have to say, when I was reading the dialogue, I felt sorry for your BF. I agree that was a painful and agonizing conversation for everyone involved. I think it is very possible that he remembered it differently because it was never really that important to him. This happened prior to him ever meeting you, why is this still an issue in 2015? Also, it sounds like he never even dated her, so now I really wonder why it ever mattered? I would be amazed if this relationship lasts. If you continue to distrust and want to talk to your next Bf about his previous relationships, you may never find a successful relationship. I have been with my H almost 30 years. He was 28 when I met him. I never asked him about any previous relationships nor did I talk to him about mine. They had nothing to do with us. To this day, we have never had a conversation about that.

 

Basically it sounds like you are making mountains out of mole hills.

[Winterina]

Winterina,

I have to say, when I was reading the dialogue, I felt sorry for your BF. I agree that was a painful and agonizing conversation for everyone involved. I think it is very possible that he remembered it differently because it was never really that important to him. This happened prior to him ever meeting you, why is this still an issue in 2015? Also, it sounds like he never even dated her, so now I really wonder why it ever mattered? I would be amazed if this relationship lasts. If you continue to distrust and want to talk to your next Bf about his previous relationships, you may never find a successful relationship. I have been with my H almost 30 years. He was 28 when I met him. I never asked him about any previous relationships nor did I talk to him about mine. They had nothing to do with us. To this day, we have never had a conversation about that.

 

Basically it sounds like you are making mountains out of mole hills.

 

 

 

 

I am sorry that you did not have a conversation about past with your husband. It is important part of a life and development and experience with life... if you don't know anything about him and he does not know anything about you that is FOR ME not normal. You can live happily and that is ok too. I am different.

 

Nobody here knows the background and lies I was told in the past, about things that pertained to our relationship.

 

 

Former relationships do matter to some people and if we are already talking about them, and he volunteered info, then it should be correct and not misleading. If someone was lying and cheating in former relationships that gives you important info about him or her. If someone was always broken up with because of abuse that is important info. If someone left a wife and a kid when she was pregnant with another one....etc. I would want to know the past. I did not ask for it this time, he came up with that conversation and we exchanged experiences.

 

 

Also, this is often on my mind... "Gaslighting or gas-lighting is a form of mental abuse in which information is twisted or spun, selectively omitted to favor the abuser, or false information is presented with the intent of making victims doubt their own memory, perception, and sanity."

 

 

I have been going through this many times with him. Often, he pretended not to remember something and told me some story in a way that is not acceptable to any thinking human being. Like, he forgot what happened 4 hours ago and if he invited a woman to lunch or she invited him, where he spent his new years eve and with whom, and so on. So the fact that he forgot that he was pursuing that woman for 7 month, instead of the reported "I met her and invited her out, she blew me off and that is it. I saw her only once in my life"...

 

 

When someone lies even a little, like in which shop he bought groceries, which happened in my former relationship, I wonder why was there a need to lie and what is the reason for it. If there are plenty of little lies, misrepresentations of the truth and manipulations, you start suspecting everything that comes out of his mouth. You start thinking they are covering up something bigger. At least I am like this. I might be a freak of nature but at least I stand up for the right things. Always.

 

 

Now I am hurt to the bone that the guy would watch me suffer and still go around and around and avoid answering questions directly... I explained to him many times what it does to us and to me and still it happens.

 

 

That is not a conversation. That is a torture in which he does not act like a man but a scared little boy who hides behind lies.

 

 

So no mountains here made out of mole hills, but only a woman who wants to have a normal life with someone.

[Fleur de cactus]

When you never lived with a liar you will never understand why a partner can ask such questions. I think you have reasons to ask him some questions. You probably know how he lied to you before and continues to do so. Through your conversation, he was trying to avoid everything for some reason. He was trying to confuse you hoping by chance that you will drop it.

 

Sorry you are frustrated. If you feel that he is a liar, he is a liar. But you have a choice. You do not have to stay with him. It will drive you mad living with someone, who tell you something today, and the very next day, he forgets what told you and comes up with a different version, and when you confront him/her, you are the bad person, s/he would say " what are you talking about?!

 

My only questions is : how did you know about the messages and contacts made 2 years ago? Good luck.

[Poutrew]

Many times a guy will misrepresent, and diminish a past relationship because they know it would basically push every button on their girlfriends control console (to use an xbox metaphor) if they gave full disclosure. Given the 3rd degree you gave your honey, I must say I don't blame how he handled telling you the truth, while getting the timeline a bit off, and he got caught... devil's in the details. Winterina, are you by any chance a screenwriter for 'Murder She Wrote'?

[Babs22]

I am sorry that you did not have a conversation about past with your husband. It is important part of a life and development and experience with life... if you don't know anything about him and he does not know anything about you that is FOR ME not normal. You can live happily and that is ok too. I am different.

 

Nobody here knows the background and lies I was told in the past, about things that pertained to our relationship.

 

Former relationships do matter to some people and if we are already talking about them, and he volunteered info, then it should be correct and not misleading. If someone was lying and cheating in former relationships that gives you important info about him or her. If someone was always broken up with because of abuse that is important info. If someone left a wife and a kid when she was pregnant with another one....etc. I would want to know the past. I did not ask for it this time, he came up with that conversation and we exchanged experiences.

 

 

Also, this is often on my mind... "Gaslighting or gas-lighting is a form of mental abuse in which information is twisted or spun, selectively omitted to favor the abuser, or false information is presented with the intent of making victims doubt their own memory, perception, and sanity."

 

 

I have been going through this many times with him. Often, he pretended not to remember something and told me some story in a way that is not acceptable to any thinking human being. Like, he forgot what happened 4 hours ago and if he invited a woman to lunch or she invited him, where he spent his new years eve and with whom, and so on. So the fact that he forgot that he was pursuing that woman for 7 month, instead of the reported "I met her and invited her out, she blew me off and that is it. I saw her only once in my life"...

 

 

When someone lies even a little, like in which shop he bought groceries, which happened in my former relationship, I wonder why was there a need to lie and what is the reason for it. If there are plenty of little lies, misrepresentations of the truth and manipulations, you start suspecting everything that comes out of his mouth. You start thinking they are covering up something bigger. At least I am like this. I might be a freak of nature but at least I stand up for the right things. Always.

 

 

Now I am hurt to the bone that the guy would watch me suffer and still go around and around and avoid answering questions directly... I explained to him many times what it does to us and to me and still it happens.

 

That is not a conversation. That is a torture in which he does not act like a man but a scared little boy who hides behind lies.

 

 

So no mountains here made out of mole hills, but only a woman who wants to have a normal life with someone.

 

 

Winterina,

I have just a few comments about your post.

 

if you don't know anything about him and he does not know anything about you that is FOR ME not normal.

I never said we didn't know anything about each other. I said that we did not speak of previous relationships (Bf or Gf stuff). How do you think we got married if I didn't know anything about him? I knew all kinds of things about him by the time we moved in together and by the time we got married. His previous dating record had no relevance to our relationship.

 

Nobody here knows the background and lies I was told in the past, about things that pertained to our relationship.

Nope I don't know much about you except what you wrote in this post. Based on the information you provided in this post, it seemed that you were getting upset over something that A) Happened in the past and B) Didn't seem very important. I have no idea if you were lied to all your life by your mom and dad or lied to every day by every relationship you had prior to this one. If you feel like he is gaslighting you, and that he has lied over and over about things which pertain to your relationship, why do you stay with him? It doesn't seem like you have been dating that long if you two weren't dating in 2012. Sounds like you know enough about him now to know he is not the guy for you.

 

If someone was always broken up with because of abuse that is important info. If someone left a wife and a kid when she was pregnant with another one....etc.

I am pretty sure that if a guy kept getting dumped because he was abusive, he would not share that with someone he wants to date. He might not even recognize that he was abusive as many abusive people blame their victims. I would hope that you would know by now if your BF was abusive. Also, If my H had been married prior to me dating him, I am pretty sure that information would be disclosed. I might not know the circumstances of their divorce, even if he told me, it would be his version of the story. I assume that when you meet your BFs family they might disclose some of the facts as well. I don't know that I would want or need a play by play of their marriage.

 

Now I am hurt to the bone that the guy would watch me suffer and still go around and around and avoid answering questions directly... I explained to him many times what it does to us and to me and still it happens.

Again if this is what you feel he is doing, gaslighting, lying, avoiding the truth, why do you stay with him? This type of behavior is not going to change. You are lucky that you are not married. You can just walk away.

[Winterina]

When you never lived with a liar you will never understand why a partner can ask such questions. I think you have reasons to ask him some questions. You probably know how he lied to you before and continues to do so. Through your conversation, he was trying to avoid everything for some reason. He was trying to confuse you hoping by chance that you will drop it.

 

Sorry you are frustrated. If you feel that he is a liar, he is a liar. But you have a choice. You do not have to stay with him. It will drive you mad living with someone, who tell you something today, and the very next day, he forgets what told you and comes up with a different version, and when you confront him/her, you are the bad person, s/he would say " what are you talking about?!

 

My only questions is : how did you know about the messages and contacts made 2 years ago? Good luck.

 

How I found out... We just came back from the great vacation and the phone just appeared from his suitcase. Its been in there for a couple of years. Because he lied to me about someone else at the start of the relationship two years ago when we weren't committed, and told me different versions as to why he referred to someone as his date, I asked if I can take a look at the phone...

 

 

He is the kind of a guy who will tell you he took a pic of under his neighbour chick's skirt sitting across the street because he was testing a zoom on a camera... As the pic was taken before me met, I did not give a damn about it. I started giving a damn the moment he said he wanted to test a zoom and she was there sitting.... I swallowed that story even though it sounded odd. Months later he told me that that camera was given to him by his sister. He was born in winter. Pic was taken in summer a year and a half after that. It was the small ordinary pocket camera. Nothing to test after a year and a half. After we had a big deal with him making a fool out of me, he admitted that he took a pic of her.

If he only told me that at the start, I would maybe even manage to laugh about it, the grown man in his late thirties taking a pic like that, and there would be no problems and no long term damage to trust, or even a short term problem.

Today all I remember (feel about that story) is being driven around like idiot by a guy who was afraid what I would think and lied to protect the image of himself he wants me to see. That broke us up, not because of meaningless photo, but because of the character he showed

[Arieswoman]

Winterina,

I sympathise with your situation.

 

My first husband lied about all sorts of things, even before his affair.

 

He lied about where he'd been, about paying bills ( he said he forgot) about there not being any x in the supermarket. There were many lies that came out after I threw him out.

 

You asked;-

 

How should I talk to someone like this? I am losing my sanity and mental health.

 

You can't have a rational conversation with them because they turn things around and obfuscate until you're mentally dizzy.

 

It's a form of mental cruelty/abuse that keeps you off-balance to give them the upper hand.

 

Only you can decide if you want to stay in this relationship or not .......

[kendahke]

Winterina...

 

What advise are you looking for, exactly? Keep in mind, we can't give you any magic pill recipe to cook up and give him that will make him flip into being the kind of man you want him to be, so with that in mind, what do you want from us here? What do you want us to tell you?

[Winterina]

Winterina...

 

What advise are you looking for, exactly? Keep in mind, we can't give you any magic pill recipe to cook up and give him that will make him flip into being the kind of man you want him to be, so with that in mind, what do you want from us here? What do you want us to tell you?

 

A magic pill would be nice.

Guess I wanted a sanity check

[beatcuff]

Guess I wanted a sanity check

 

continually bringing up a situation that occurred before you met?

 

why are you creating drama?

 

why are you threaten by a now non-existent person?

 

why are you creating drama?

 

re-read you OP, what did he say that was so incriminating: his responses were: what. maybe. it was years ago.

 

why are you creating drama?

 

oh and why are you creating drama?

[Winterina]

continually bringing up a situation that occurred before you met?

 

why are you creating drama?

 

why are you threaten by a now non-existent person?

 

why are you creating drama?

 

re-read you OP, what did he say that was so incriminating: his responses were: what. maybe. it was years ago.

 

why are you creating drama?

 

oh and why are you creating drama?

 

 

Asking the same question four times to create some effect because once would be kind of meh and boring and not insightful at all?

 

Reading books improves the ability to express yourself.

 

Why don't you read the thread before commenting on the original post.

 

 

In the meanwhile read effects on lies on a relationship, or gaslighting on google... anything at all.

 

 

If it did not happen to YOU to know what it feels like, then you are one of those people that does these same things to others.

Edited July 10, 2015 by Winterina

[Mr. Lucky]

He is the kind of a guy who will tell you he took a pic of under his neighbour chick's skirt sitting across the street because he was testing a zoom on a camera... As the pic was taken before me met, I did not give a damn about it. I started giving a damn the moment he said he wanted to test a zoom and she was there sitting.... I swallowed that story even though it sounded odd. Months later he told me that that camera was given to him by his sister. He was born in winter. Pic was taken in summer a year and a half after that. It was the small ordinary pocket camera. Nothing to test after a year and a half. After we had a big deal with him making a fool out of me, he admitted that he took a pic of her.

 

If you have to resort to this level of deductive reasoning and detective work in a relationship, it's time to pull the plug. Life shouldn't be this difficult and you shouldn't have to play Sherlock Holmes to comfortably be with someone...

 

Mr. Lucky

[understand50]

A magic pill would be nice.

Guess I wanted a sanity check

 

Winterina,

 

I get it, you just do not, can not, abide lies. Whether about his past or something he did today. No you are right. I think everyone is getting stuck on is "it is his past, no business of yours" or " it happen before you knew him - Get over it"

 

3 things:

 

I am all for knowing about a spouses past, or at least a good broad idea of what their past was. I am for knowing specifics, to include sexual, if they impact the present relationship or marriage.

 

I expect a honest telling. We all use white lies, but when asked, you and your spouse need to be truthful. No making things up, no shading, to trickle truth. If it is painful, the more truth is needed, as this could be a thing that is holding them or your relationship back. I do not want to be "protected"

 

When I find that the story I was told is wrong, made up, or was a lie, I will question everything, as how am I to know what you were truthful on?

 

Here is what I wrote on a past post about knowing someones past.

 

"My wife was secretive about her sexual past. She has a habit of letting me know that she was more worldly then me. This would happen when she met up with old friends, and such. Due to other issues, one of the things I insisted on was, honesty, and I asked her who she had slept with in HS. (we had know each other in HS, but were not a item) I was more curious then anything and it seemed everyone else was in on it. After much talking, she told me that she had one BF, and 2 ONS. The way she talked, I had always thought there was more. She asked me if I was Mad, I said no, this was before we were BF/GF, but I was not happy. My issue was honesty, every 2 or 3 years, she would talk about and hint about her wild times in HS, but she did not want to let me know what had really gone on"

 

In my case everyone else seemed to know what her past was but me, and she tended to bring it up from time to time. (years most times), but it became a point of contention, and was impacting our marriage, as I was questioning if she could be straight with me on anything. I think the same is happening here, and a discussion with your husband about why this makes you upset, and why he needs to be honest when he talks about his past, or actions is necessary.

 

I wish you luck.