Our conversation today

[OMC]

Been away for a couple weeks. Pop in and read the highlights of this thread. Seems like Autumn summarized what I was thinking. Granted, I have not read every single post, however it seems TO ME that you are looking for something to be pissed off about, looking for some reason not to trust him. You said what happened doesn't matter to you, then let it not matter. Or, pack your stuff and go.

[kendahke]

Is it really so that him not remembering something was going on for 7 month and telling me it was only about 7 days not a lie, rather than just "he forgot"... Forgot 7 month of his life that happened just before he met me two years ago? I don't know...

 

reminds me of something I heard on Law and Order that Det. Lenny Briscoe said: I spent a week in (can't remember the place) one day..."

 

Well, either it was a really, really unforgettable experience that he didn't dwell on or he's a bald faced liar. If it's the latter, and you say below:

 

It is about lying or not lying. These things have no place in my relationship.

 

Then why are you with a liar? Seems to me the easiest route to take is to leave liars alone, not try to make them tell you what you want to hear. You're wasting your time and youth trying to renovate him into what you deem to be acceptable. Either he's acceptable or he's rejectable. He can't be both. If he's a liar, then you're right and you can not have a liar in your life. You're choosing to have one in your life--do you like who you've had to turn into in order to keep him?

[georgia girl]

Here's my advice, for what it's worth. While things are good again, take a little time both individually and together to explore how to be a better partner to each other. Being a good partner isn't something that comes naturally to most people. It is work. It is work you enjoy doing, work that has a tremendous payoff, but work all the same.

 

Things to do:

1) ask couples whose relationship you admire how they do it. Older and you get couples are good here because they have great experiences.

2) explore the things your partner has expressed dissatisfaction with. Do these same characteristics cause any issues with others in your life? If so, how have you learned to curb your responses in those situations?

3) accept what your partner is saying about you and how it makes him/her feel. Recognize that each time your partner feels negative about you, it puts a brick in the wall. It takes a long time for bricks to wear down. If you are putting bricks in the wall faster than you (as a couple) are taking them down, it runs the risk of killing your feelings for each other. That's how relationships with great love can fail.

4) be humble. This was my greatest stumbling block. I was smart and successful and used to having my own way. I have learned that sharing feels better than saying - repeatedly - how right I was. Consider the value proposition. Is this a deal breaker for me? If so, am I willing to walk away? If not, it's not really a deal breaker and it's emotionally unfair to threaten my partner with it.

6) how should we as a couple move forward to handle disagreements better? How should we approach other to express displeasure or disappointment? What can we say to stop things escalating so we both maintain perspective?

 

Winterina, this is the stuff that makes relationships last. Falling in love - that thing so many people desperately chase - is actually the easy part. Learning to build a strong, healthy relationship that respects each other, that leaves room for each partner to be a little imperfect and that still maintains integrity, humility and fidelity... that's the hard work. No one is good at it to start, but keep working. It is so worth it.

[georgia girl]

Older and younger couples... Sorry for the typo!

[beatcuff]

I don't have intention to engage individually with everyone who came to argue with me instead of saying something constructive, even criticism which I heard and read, but I would like to thank those several people who got the issue of lying and told me their stories....<<removed for brevity>>

 

OP, it appears you want 'yes men', you want to be 'right', those that do not agree 'are critical'. but those that disagree will either sway you OR strengthen your position --- in other words, they should be encouraged.

 

you are not wrong. its just FOR THIS CONVERSATION we/I are wondering why his timeline confusion is so important. and if it, once again, is yet another example of his habit of lying (and then when called on it sticking to his story) then why stay with him?

 

you are wasting far to much time and energy on this conversation. these moments will NEVER be recaptured: accept it or move on.

[understand50]

I have a question that is more for me than anyone here... how do you know when someone is "too much of a liar"? A few small lies here and there are ok? I kind of lose trust even after small comments and this might be the effect of it. Hope I get over it.

 

Winterina,

 

In answer to your question above: When you decide what is too much lieing. You seem like a strong person, set your own limits and then act, but when you set these limits, make sure you B/f knows what they are.

 

Myself, I would have a long talk and then forgive everything in the past and then move on.

 

Wish you luck.

[sandylee1]

Forgive me if I've missed something, but this is not a guy who has cheated? Is that correct?

 

I don't understand why you're grilling him about a past relationship..

 

It's in the past , or is there an issue with the Ex?

[introverted1]

First time it was about him going to see the show with some female co-worker. Going to her house to watch scary movies for Halloween.

 

This is what would concern me.