Is this considered cheating?

[ExpatInItaly]

She's full of crap, and you'd be a darn fool to believe her.

[autumnnight]

UPDATE:

 

Confronted her.

 

She admitted the kiss was cheating. Explained the two boyfriends' message away as if it was some sort of joke aimed to make her friend jealous but admitted that if she saw me write that she'd never believe it wasn't.

 

SCREAMED at the top of her lungs she didn't sleep with anyone else and would do anything to prove it to me.

 

Then she said she can't talk about it anymore because she has worse things to worry about, her mother was apparently diagnosed with cancer today. Hung up right after she said that.

 

Thoughts?

 

Her world of deceit is falling apart, and she freaked out.

[jen1447]

OK, is it possible someone got to her phone and sent this just to mess you up. Do you trust this "friend"?

 

It sounds like she acknowledged it was hers.

 

Plausible deniability - she's hanging by a thread on the hopeful notion that you'll believe that sth so blatantly deceitful was really just a misinterpretation bc she has nothing else to hang on. It's actually a smart tactic given her situation, bc ppl with a vested interest often interpret any explanation as a sufficient explanation. (If it exists, it's possible and thus good enough - bc they want it to be.)

 

The thing is, those 'plausible' explanations are never actually legit. A legit explanation would be that the text never existed and she has no idea who this guy even is, forex.

[829178]

To answer many of your questions and to ask for more thoughts, here's the SCOOP on the txts she sent me and how she explained them away to me. Am I going mad here? Is there any possible truth to how she explains them away? Any thoughts about this in general?

 

On 6/29, her friend from high-school, "John", comes to town. She hadn't seen him in years. She tells me about him, I have no problem with them hanging out alone since I was busy with my plans and trust her 100%. I'm not the jealous type. She was supposed to meet him on 6/29 but apparently didn't because she got stuck really late at work.

 

Also, she and John go away for a 3 day camping trip together this past 4th of July weekend. I didn't suspect anything then and wanted them to have fun. After she came back from the trip, she told me she hadn't had that much fun in years, she dumped me the next day, and I began to suspect things.

 

I find out:

 

On 6/30, she texts her friend "John": "I'm sorry for putting you into a confusing situation last night. I just, ahh, want all of you". A week after this message: after she dumps me, she says she misses him and loves him. He texts back he loves her too. But he left the state on his cross-country bike trip right before they text those things, no idea if he's ever going to come back or not.

 

I confront her, telling her I know she cheated, but not saying how I know.

 

She confesses she kissed her friend "John" last Thu (7/2). That was all she did, she promised me. First she says she kissed him accidentally, "a small, so small kiss", and that it was just an "I care about you as a person kiss".

 

Then she called back and said he actually kissed her, that it took her by surprise, and that she couldn't do much about it. She was going to tell me but couldn't bring herself to do it.

 

She said she cheated when doing this, admitted her fault, and apologized for it. Claims the I love yous were nothing more than friendly words (which to her credit she says to all her friends, but in this context, not so much).

 

She claims the "I want all of you comment" to John was made in reference as a joke to when she and her sister saved him from drowning when she did CPR on him in high school. She claims when he came to, those are the words that he first said to her and so she uses them now to remind him of that moment.

 

The confusing situation may be that she had to work late and had to cancel dinner plans on 6/29 due to her being stuck at work real late (she didn't move in with me until 7/1, so I can't be sure if she's lying or not).

 

To her credit she did mention she saved him from CPR to me a long time ago. But not those words, though.

 

On 7/1, the day after the 6/30 text to John above, when driving to my place in my car, she texts her friend "Brian":

 

"I ****ed up. I accidental have 2 bfs. And I'm living with one but sleeping with the other. Do I tell them or not tell them. It's getting real hard. Am I a bad person"

 

The friend replies, in short: you're mean, what you did is wrong, you betrayed him. Let him go because you betrayed him. But you're not a bad person. I won't judge you for it.

 

I am the one she was living with at this point and because we hadn't slept together in a couple weeks at that point due to constant bickering I'm not the one she is sleeping with. She'd yell at me for the most innocent thing one moment and come back two minutes later all apologizing, hugging, etc...this went on for two weeks.

 

I tell her I know about the text to Brian. She claims it was a text sent before John came to town. I reminded her of the time stamp. She backtracks and says she forgot.

 

She claims the text was a lie and all a joke. It was designed to make Brian's brother, whom she dated a while back (true), jealous. She says she knew Brian would tell her brother and that would make him jealous that she has such a great life and that all these guys want her and that he missed out.

 

I asked her to reconcile that great-life comment with the comment she made to Brian right after the above text, saying she was not happy being with me. She said she was just confused when writing that and didn't know why she said it. She said she was just looking for love from all directions. She admits if anyone saw these texts they wouldn't believe the excuses she's giving me and then proceeds to scream she didn't sleep with anyone and would prove it if she could.

 

She then claimed her mother got diagnosed with cancer today, and had bigger things to worry about and hung up.

 

She comes over last night. Tells me she just wants to be friends. 30 minutes later she is kissing my neck and my lips telling me she wants to be with me.

 

WTF does she want? Did she sleep with another person? Was it Ryan or someone else?

 

What do you think?

[Keenly]

Have some self respect dude. Stop trying to create a fantasy where this isn't cheating.

[jen1447]

829178, are you reading any of your replies?

[DrReplyInRhymes]

She cheated on you, her story changes to fit any question you had,

Sorry to say, but it's pretty obvious to me that you've been had.

I'd suggest just walking away from this TV-esque drama like a man,

Personally, I'd tell her I've heard enough and to go pound sand.

[Chi townD]

Dude, you have enough "friends". I seriously doubt you got into a loving and committed relationship with her for the ultimate goal sis that you are nothing more than a really good friend to her.

 

 

I don't believe a word of what she told you. She wasn't consistent with her lies. First, It was a friendly kiss between two friends. Then, it turned into he kissed her and there was nothing she could do about it. Thus, forcing himself on her. Therefore, trying to make the kiss not her fault.

 

 

Then, the text you read about living with one and sleeping with another turned out to be a "joke" meant to get someone jealous. If she was in a loving and caring relationship, there would be no need to make anyone jealous!

 

Dude, please tell me she's out of your place. If she doesn't want to be in a relationship with you, then that's her choice. She either gets 100% of you or nothing at all. Time to go NC. Time to heal and start making positive changes in your life.

[Try]

On 6/29, her friend from high-school, "John", comes to town. She hadn't seen him in years. She tells me about him, I have no problem with them hanging out alone since I was busy with my plans and trust her 100%. I'm not the jealous type. She was supposed to meet him on 6/29 but apparently didn't because she got stuck really late at work.

 

Also, she and John go away for a 3 day camping trip together this past 4th of July weekend. I didn't suspect anything then and wanted them to have fun. After she came back from the trip, she told me she hadn't had that much fun in years, she dumped me the next day, and I began to suspect things.

 

I find out:

 

On 6/30, she texts her friend "John": "I'm sorry for putting you into a confusing situation last night. I just, ahh, want all of you". A week after this message: after she dumps me, she says she misses him and loves him. He texts back he loves her too.

You let another man have a free hand in pursing her as he dates her and spends 3 days camping alone with her, and you allow this to prove that you are not "the jealous type"? Based on her constant lying to you and lack of setting any boundaries with other men, why do you "trust her 100%"?

[Space Ritual]

To answer many of your questions and to ask for more thoughts, here's the SCOOP on the txts she sent me and how she explained them away to me. Am I going mad here? Is there any possible truth to how she explains them away? Any thoughts about this in general?

 

On 6/29, her friend from high-school, "John", comes to town. She hadn't seen him in years. She tells me about him, I have no problem with them hanging out alone since I was busy with my plans and trust her 100%. I'm not the jealous type. She was supposed to meet him on 6/29 but apparently didn't because she got stuck really late at work.

 

Also, she and John go away for a 3 day camping trip together this past 4th of July weekend. I didn't suspect anything then and wanted them to have fun. After she came back from the trip, she told me she hadn't had that much fun in years, she dumped me the next day, and I began to suspect things.

 

I find out:

 

On 6/30, she texts her friend "John": "I'm sorry for putting you into a confusing situation last night. I just, ahh, want all of you". A week after this message: after she dumps me, she says she misses him and loves him. He texts back he loves her too. But he left the state on his cross-country bike trip right before they text those things, no idea if he's ever going to come back or not.

 

I confront her, telling her I know she cheated, but not saying how I know.

 

She confesses she kissed her friend "John" last Thu (7/2). That was all she did, she promised me. First she says she kissed him accidentally, "a small, so small kiss", and that it was just an "I care about you as a person kiss".

 

Then she called back and said he actually kissed her, that it took her by surprise, and that she couldn't do much about it. She was going to tell me but couldn't bring herself to do it.

 

She said she cheated when doing this, admitted her fault, and apologized for it. Claims the I love yous were nothing more than friendly words (which to her credit she says to all her friends, but in this context, not so much).

 

She claims the "I want all of you comment" to John was made in reference as a joke to when she and her sister saved him from drowning when she did CPR on him in high school. She claims when he came to, those are the words that he first said to her and so she uses them now to remind him of that moment.

 

The confusing situation may be that she had to work late and had to cancel dinner plans on 6/29 due to her being stuck at work real late (she didn't move in with me until 7/1, so I can't be sure if she's lying or not).

 

To her credit she did mention she saved him from CPR to me a long time ago. But not those words, though.

 

On 7/1, the day after the 6/30 text to John above, when driving to my place in my car, she texts her friend "Brian":

 

"I ****ed up. I accidental have 2 bfs. And I'm living with one but sleeping with the other. Do I tell them or not tell them. It's getting real hard. Am I a bad person"

 

The friend replies, in short: you're mean, what you did is wrong, you betrayed him. Let him go because you betrayed him. But you're not a bad person. I won't judge you for it.

 

I am the one she was living with at this point and because we hadn't slept together in a couple weeks at that point due to constant bickering I'm not the one she is sleeping with. She'd yell at me for the most innocent thing one moment and come back two minutes later all apologizing, hugging, etc...this went on for two weeks.

 

I tell her I know about the text to Brian. She claims it was a text sent before John came to town. I reminded her of the time stamp. She backtracks and says she forgot.

 

She claims the text was a lie and all a joke. It was designed to make Brian's brother, whom she dated a while back (true), jealous. She says she knew Brian would tell her brother and that would make him jealous that she has such a great life and that all these guys want her and that he missed out.

 

I asked her to reconcile that great-life comment with the comment she made to Brian right after the above text, saying she was not happy being with me. She said she was just confused when writing that and didn't know why she said it. She said she was just looking for love from all directions. She admits if anyone saw these texts they wouldn't believe the excuses she's giving me and then proceeds to scream she didn't sleep with anyone and would prove it if she could.

 

She then claimed her mother got diagnosed with cancer today, and had bigger things to worry about and hung up.

 

She comes over last night. Tells me she just wants to be friends. 30 minutes later she is kissing my neck and my lips telling me she wants to be with me.

 

WTF does she want? Did she sleep with another person? Was it Ryan or someone else?

 

What do you think?

 

 

Oh come on dude!!

 

Why are you even still talking to her?

 

No one respects a Sackless Wonder. And you young man, are about to become just that if you don't lose her number and her name! Who cares what her motivations are. She is not worth the time. Yes that was a bit Harsh but I want you to WAKE UP!!

[Space Ritual]

If you are so sure she is for real, I urge you to call her mom up with your sympathy for her diagnosis. I would be willing to bet Her mom knows nothing about being ill.

 

That excuse has been tried on many a person when someone wished to exit the conversation ASAP.

[829178]

I see where you're all coming from and appreciate your advice.

 

I guess I have one last question:

 

Is there any way in Hades she isn't lying and that this is a gigantic misunderstanding?

[casey.lives]

it depends on what lead up to it too.. but yeah

[Try]

Is there any way in Hades she isn't lying and that this is a gigantic misunderstanding?

There is no way that she is not lying. In answer to your clear proof that she is cheating, she says stuff that does not make any sense. Her answers are consistently changing since they are not true. Cheaters live by a code that as long as they give you an answer, no matter how absurd the answer, you must accept it as true. Logic and common sense must be ignored or they will yell at you. You do not need her to admit to the truth that you know, for you to take action.

[Spectre]

Can someone try to play Devil's Advocate for her though?

 

Just indulge me...or is this something even a lawyer wouldn't be able to muscle out of?

 

D ask things like this on this board, because people *will* come out of the woodwork to defend even these shady ass actions. I have seen the shadiest of actions rationalized by people time and time again. Be careful what you wish for.

 

I mean even if God himself popped down and said she for sure did not have sex, just kissed another man..well, that is still grounds for a boot to the curb. I also think it was so very naive of you to let her go hang out ALONE with some dude. You literally might as well of just told her "go bang some other dudes tonight". Men and women in relationships do not belong hanging out alone together unless that man and that woman are friggin siblings. Or if one of the people is 100% gay. I do like the line of a "I just care about you kiss". Which probably turned into a "I just care about you" blowjob and then some "I just care about you" doggystyle. You know, typical things totally platonic friends do. Like go camping alone with each other whilst one has a boyfriend, this is normal(if we were on Bizarro World).

 

Also dude, seriously, you let her go camping with the guy? Something tells me this wasn't your idea, which means this girl had the audacity to ask if she could go camping alone with this man. Silly me, that assume she even asked at all. Just be glad you found out before she gave you any STD's from her nasty self. Don't worry, these other guys she is seeing will just pump and dump her, that is what men do to women like this. Leave her and walk away knowing you are the better person in every way that matters. You saw her as something more, but these guys just saw her as a piece of meat to screw and she chose them. Do not let her around you anymore. Don't take her calls or texts. Just move on. Don't give her the chance to lie to you some more, because I can give you a 100000000% assurance she cheated on you in some capacity, and really isn't that all there needs to be said? Cheating is cheating.

 

It is literally mentally and physically IMPOSSIBLE for you to stay with this person and retain even a shred of dignity or self respect. So basically long story short: do you hate yourself? If the answer is "no" then what you need to do is obvious.

 

But man seriously I truly believe this girl is a danger to you. Not a physical danger, but mentally she is. After all she did you were still asking people to try to play devil's advocate for her. That right there just shows the power she has over you and how much she will ruin your life if you stay. You need to be the one to walk away because I suspect she knows the other guys only want her for one thing only so she wants to keep you as a potential back up. That is why she tells you she just wants to be friends and is kissing you 30 minutes later. She was giving you just enough of a taste to keep you from fully writing her off and it worked. Hell, even such an extreme change like that is grounds for dumping, who the hell plays games like that besides people who are crazy? If a girl was telling me she just wants to be friends one minute and then a little while later is kissing me I'd be walking out the door while recommending a good bi polar medication.

Edited July 11, 2015 by Spectre

[Space Ritual]

I see where you're all coming from and appreciate your advice.

 

I guess I have one last question:

 

Is there any way in Hades she isn't lying and that this is a gigantic misunderstanding?

 

No.

 

she is so full of crap her teeth are floating.

[GobbleStomper]

got to be more to the story mate. i had a similar situation and the story always finished but was never closed. it wasn't until a couple years later when no one cared that the truth came out and it was quite a bit bigger than i had been told..

[sandylee1]

OP

 

Our time on earth is limited. It doesn't make any sense to waste time with or on those who are undeserving. This GF or Ex of yours is full of crap. Let her go to John or Brian's brother or whoever else she so wishes and be rid of her.

 

She absolutely slept with John and you have the evidence . Cheaters lie to cover their behinds, it's just what they have to do, as cheating and lying go hand in hand. Why give someone who has no respect for you the time of day?

[Clarence_Boddicker]

Put her crap on the sidewalk & change the locks, while she's at work. Spend a few days at a friends house or a motel.

[Spectre]

So did you boot her to the curb? Garbage pick up for me is on Wednesdays, what about you?