Disndat Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 Is there one? I've been in an affair since last fall that I have finally realized is not good for us. MM swings back and forth about leaving, and I can't take the pendulum swing anymore. We are both miserable. Our intimacy is on life support because he feels guilty (kids) and I'm upset he wants me in limbo. I know its cliche but i truly thought things could work out. I feel like the BS has a right to know that he is a serial cheater. The lies just keep mounting and I can't ignore it anymore. I know I'd like to be told and I am planning on disclosing the affair to the BS. She seems like the type to want to know and that is how I'll move forward. What is the best way to do this? Phone, email, in-person? I know he has had an affair before this that, and the BS stayed on the condition of no more cheating, and she asks him all the time about if he is having an a affair and tells her no. I also feel like I need to tell her so that I can feel free of these secrets and apologize for my role. Phone seems like a bad idea. I have thought of emailing her and attaching evidence but part of me wonders if this is best done on the phone or in person. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 Are you really 'done' with him once and for all? Or are you hoping by telling her their marriage will end and he'll come to you? If you tell her, be kind about it, own your part in the affair, don't put all the blame on him. You were a willing participate, knew he married from day and knew he had a previous affair too. Apologize to her, answer any questions she may ask. Do you know her personally? Just wondering how you know her email address and phone number. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
nikki76 Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 I don't think it's your place to tell. Let him make that decision. It's his marriage, not yours. You say you can't ignore it anymore. Yes you can. Kick him out of your life, forever. I wonder the same thing as whichwayisup, are you just hoping this will end the marriage. Because I doubt it will. She stayed before, she'll stay again. They are experts at playing the woe is me line to their BS. I would think long and hard about this. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Disndat Posted July 10, 2015 Author Share Posted July 10, 2015 Yes, I suppose a small part of me hopes she leaves him. Very small. Mostly though, I want to clear my own conscience and know that I would hope someone told me. Especially since she is a local public figure (albeit small scale) and I believe it could get back to her anyways. Link to post Share on other sites
lovinDKT3 Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 Yes, I suppose a small part of me hopes she leaves him. Very small. Mostly though, I want to clear my own conscience and know that I would hope someone told me. Especially since she is a local public figure (albeit small scale) and I believe it could get back to her anyways. Being that part of your motivation is getting him thrown out you have to leave this alone. You have no idea what that relationship is. You know he is not being honest with you, so why would you believe he isn't where he wants to be? There is also a really good chance that this will backfire and he will turn on you. Just leave it alone and focus on moving on with your healing. Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 Yes, I suppose a small part of me hopes she leaves him. Very small. so why do you think this man isn't good enough for her but is good enough for you? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Disndat Posted July 10, 2015 Author Share Posted July 10, 2015 I guess I should clarify that a small part of me hopes she kicks him out, because that is what I think he deserves, not because I want him for myself. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
jwi71 Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 I can speak to this from ACTUAL experience! I was the BH when my now xWW was seeing her boss. Long story short, after d-day and whilst in MC, she re-ignited her A. And managed to hide it from me. However someone who DID know reached out to me - and this person I had little interaction with and met maybe twice. It was well received by me. I was grateful for that knowledge. And it was, for me, the best thing EVER. And my kids are doing fine too. I cannot thank that person enough. And no, I never hated the messenger. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 I strongly recommend having proof of the affair and leading into it gently. Don't get defensiveabout your role in it. She will probably be very upset and vent at you. That eoulf be pretty normal. I am glad that there are OW like you that just don't help burn down a house and pretend nothing happened. Good for you that you realize you would like to be told and they keeping someone in the dark is a cold, cruel thing to do. especially someone that you KNOW doesn't want yo be cheated on and is being gaslighted. being gaslighted is agonizing. I sincerely praise you for putting an end to this ruse. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 Independently verifiable evidence. Deliver it. Move on. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
RoseVille Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 If you thought she deserved to know, you NEVER would have engaged in the A In the first place. Your motivation for telling him in the hopes that he gets kicked out is NOT "very small." Don't lie to us, don't lie to yourself. You're tired of living in limbo, and want to force his hand. He won't choose you if you do this. But here's the thing: You need to live with YOUR decisions, not his. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
RoseVille Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 I can speak to this from ACTUAL experience! I was the BH when my now xWW was seeing her boss. Long story short, after d-day and whilst in MC, she re-ignited her A. And managed to hide it from me. However someone who DID know reached out to me - and this person I had little interaction with and met maybe twice. It was well received by me. I was grateful for that knowledge. And it was, for me, the best thing EVER. And my kids are doing fine too. I cannot thank that person enough. And no, I never hated the messenger. Apples and oranges. If her OM was the one who told you, she wouldn't be looking to kindly on him. Neither would you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 I wish someone had confirmed my suspicions and told me my WS was cheating. I suffered months of 'gaslighting' and thought I was losing my mind. DD was a relief more than anything, as I then knew that I wasn't going barmy Please tell her ASAP. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereHorses Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 The proper way to tell his wife would have been to phone her last fall before the affair took place! To contact her now (though she deserves to know)makes you look a little unstable! I was all for this til it didn't turn out like I hoped! How credible is that???? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
nikki76 Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 I strongly recommend having proof of the affair and leading into it gently. Don't get defensiveabout your role in it. She will probably be very upset and vent at you. That eoulf be pretty normal. I am glad that there are OW like you that just don't help burn down a house and pretend nothing happened. Good for you that you realize you would like to be told and they keeping someone in the dark is a cold, cruel thing to do. especially someone that you KNOW doesn't want yo be cheated on and is being gaslighted. being gaslighted is agonizing. I sincerely praise you for putting an end to this ruse. Hell yeah she helped burn down the house. She's the one that poured the gasoline and he's the one that lit the match. Just because she wants to come clean, doesn't make her any better then those of us OW that didn't think twice about the BS. She wants HIM to suffer. So she's willing to hurt the BS by telling her. This doesn't make sense. If she was so concerned about BS "feelings" why would she have had sex with her husband? Trust me, I'd love to see my xmm completely miserable. I truly would. But by going this route is not the way to do it. Maybe his wife doesn't want to know. Maybe she does know, and chooses to look the other way. Put your foot down, be a women and walk away with your dignity. Instead of looking weak and childish. Don't risk destroying this family anymore then you already have. This is not your decision to be made. Link to post Share on other sites
still_an_Angel Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 I think you've already made up your mind about telling the BS, you just want some input on how to do it. I am on the "do not tell" camp myself but if you really want to tell her, I think doing it personally will be better than an email or a text. That could be taken as a ploy to destroy her relationship with her H or ignored. A neutral location, a wide space to be able to avert possible physical harm (in case she gets so angry and lashes out), a clear escape route, and physical evidence if you wish. You are not a bearer of good news so be careful. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 (edited) I can speak to this from ACTUAL experience! I was the BH when my now xWW was seeing her boss. Long story short, after d-day and whilst in MC, she re-ignited her A. And managed to hide it from me. However someone who DID know reached out to me - and this person I had little interaction with and met maybe twice. It was well received by me. I was grateful for that knowledge. And it was, for me, the best thing EVER. And my kids are doing fine too. I cannot thank that person enough. And no, I never hated the messenger. Did you leave right away? Most BS's don't leave. Wife would have left him the first time. Edited July 10, 2015 by Popsicle 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LovelyBrown Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 I'm going to be completely honest with this. I have never understood why people feel the need to tell the spouse, it seems very self serving. First, it isn't your marriage, he needs to be the one to wake up and tell the truth on his own, and second what is your true purpose? so YOU can feel better about yourself? I was approached by MM's BS and I could have said much more than nothing, but I didn't, this is my cross to bear and his problem to deal with. Find healing on your own for your own sake and let sleeping dogs lie. That's just my $0.02 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 There are kids lives involved here and for that reason I feel you should walk away and leave him and her to it. It is their marriage, do not get involved, any more than you have already. Do not stir up trouble that may mean the kids are upset and forced to live far from their father with a bitter and upset mother. IF she finds out and contacts you then my all means tell her the truth, but sometimes ignorance is bliss, especially when you are a child. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 (edited) Phone seems like a bad idea. i was told by a good friend over the phone but the circumstances were like that... that there was no time to tell me face - to - face. my xH knew i'll be told so he hurried home to tell me himself... he wasn't fast enough. was i glad that i was told? of course. but i'm also glad that the information DID NOT come from his AP but from someone i consider my friend... i do not want my AP contacing me to tell me about the A... EVER. if that was to happen... i would've probably done something really petty. i would also be relieved... because when an AP calls the spouse, you know your spouse won't leave you for him or her. the "spouse caling" act is the last desperate act of an AP to inflict grand pain to the cheater in hopes they will end up being single. so i guess there is a little comfort in having your spouse's AP call you - almost always, undeniable proof that the A isn't a "marriage ending" threat. Edited July 10, 2015 by minimariah 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 I guess I should clarify that a small part of me hopes she kicks him out, because that is what I think he deserves, not because I want him for myself. So after you tell her and she (maybe) kicks him out, would you go back with him if he asked you? Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 i was told by a good friend over the phone but the circumstances were like that... that there was no time to tell me face - to - face. my xH knew i'll be told so he hurried home to tell me himself... he wasn't fast enough. was i glad that i was told? of course. but i'm also glad that the information DID NOT come from his AP but from someone i consider my friend... i do not want my AP contacing me to tell me about the A... EVER. if that was to happen... i would've probably done something really petty. i would also be relieved... because when an AP calls the spouse, you know your spouse won't leave you for him or her. the "spouse caling" act is the last desperate act of an AP to inflict grand pain to the cheater in hopes they will end up being single. so i guess there is a little comfort in having your spouse's AP call you - almost always, undeniable proof that the A isn't a "marriage ending" threat. So it only seems palatable when it comes from a friend of the BS? What about from a third uninvolved party that the BS doesn't know (accompanied with proof)? Link to post Share on other sites
HappyAgain2014 Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 (edited) Despite all the "don't tell" posts, I have another perspective. I believe most OWs don't disclose for two primary reasons, fear for themselves and to protect the MM. The fear can be based in knowing they might be retaliated against, outed in some way as an OW, or even physically harmed. The protection of the MM is a sick game that he's counting on. He may have told the OW how devastating it would be to his children, that his wife is unstable, or that it would ruin his life. Disclosing should mean a few harsh truths: 1. The OW realizes she doesn't owe the MM anything. He isn't a pillar of honesty so why he'd expect the OW to keep her word to take it to the grave is yet another example of his manipulation. 2. If the OW is motivated by wanting to force his hand, she will lose. Most MM throw the OW under the bus. Disclosing virtually makes this certain. For the rare OW who gets the MM, they have to know they got him because his wife booted him out. The OW will be vilified by virtually everyone has a home wrecker. If it wasn't already over, disclosing typically closes that door for good. 3. The OW will have to face the music. While she isn't the one married to the wife, it takes a rare breed of person to have to face the reality of playing a part in hurting and deceiving someone and not be affected. I'll ever forget that guilt and shame. Most BS want to know. So many OWs post on this forum wanting the truth from their MM so why wouldn't you think the third person in the equation wants it, too? The truth the OW seeks is that the MM wants them, will leave their marriage, blah blah. That's not the whole truth. It's self-serving for the OW. When they don't get the truth they want and it's over, the victimization begins. Still selfishness and proves the MM still has all the power over her despite the affair being over. Owning your part and telling the truth frees an OW from the MM. Most OW don't seem to want that. Edited July 10, 2015 by HappyAgain2014 4 Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 So it only seems palatable when it comes from a friend of the BS? What about from a third uninvolved party that the BS doesn't know (accompanied with proof)? NO. A third uninvolved party the BS doesn't know has no business doing this. No normal person would do this. Link to post Share on other sites
Rockdad Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 so why do you think this man isn't good enough for her but is good enough for you? Ouch! That was good! Something Dr Phil would say Link to post Share on other sites
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