Best way to tell BS about affair?

[jwi71]

Apples and oranges.

 

If her OM was the one who told you, she wouldn't be looking to kindly on him. Neither would you.

 

Uhm, it is highly unlikely the AP is well received by the BS in any circumstance.

AP telling or not has as much impact as a gnat's fart in a hurricane to that!

 

In fact, I would argue the opposite. For the AP to tell allows the BS to recover, heal, forgive and move on much more quickly. The BS, to me, would then have a little sliver of something good about the AP upon which to build that forgiveness. Without it - its harder and takes longer. It also allows the BS to make fully informed decisions about his/her life.

 

It only brings about resolution QUICKER, healing to begin SOONER and life to begin anew. I'm all for it.

 

Oddly enough, the AP's tend to me MOST afraid of telling. The WS seem to NEVER want to tell. I wonder why?

[the_artist_1970]

Is there one?

 

I've been in an affair since last fall that I have finally realized is not good for us. MM swings back and forth about leaving, and I can't take the pendulum swing anymore. We are both miserable. Our intimacy is on life support because he feels guilty (kids) and I'm upset he wants me in limbo.

 

I know its cliche but i truly thought things could work out. I feel like the BS has a right to know that he is a serial cheater. The lies just keep mounting and I can't ignore it anymore. I know I'd like to be told and I am planning on disclosing the affair to the BS. She seems like the type to want to know and that is how I'll move forward.

 

What is the best way to do this? Phone, email, in-person? I know he has had an affair before this that, and the BS stayed on the condition of no more cheating, and she asks him all the time about if he is having an a affair and tells her no.

 

I also feel like I need to tell her so that I can feel free of these secrets and apologize for my role.

 

Phone seems like a bad idea. I have thought of emailing her and attaching evidence but part of me wonders if this is best done on the phone or in person.

 

Most of the time, it is the OW saying don't tell, but as a former BS you telling her would be the most decent thing to do. I was told by the AP and it allowed me to have a little respect for her for telling me the truth. It was an honorable thing to do IMHO and I am so glad she told me the truth.

[ladydesigner]

I am so thankful to the MOW for telling me their A went underground. While some of it may have come as a dig towards me I am still thankful for it, pain and all. I KNOW who my WH is and what he is capable of and now I can make a clear decision.

 

There are some days I honestly wished my WH left to be with MOW then I would at least be forced to move on and become healthier.

[jwi71]

Did you leave right away?

 

No. I think I asked her to move out about 5 months later. I tried the whole "lets stay M for the kids thing". It wasnt for me. THAT was hell. I knew almost immediately after she moved out it was the right thing to do. I filed for D within days of her leaving. Best thing I ever did. It prompted SO much change in me. Almost exclusively for the better.

 

Most BS's don't leave. Wife would have left him the first time.

 

No. I think what happens is the BS, myself included, try and fight and fix "it". Its hard having to lose something you don't want to lose - remember, the BS almost always has no clue. I thought all was ok, stressed, but ok. A down patch. Certainly never imagined an A. So to be suddenly faced with that I, and I think most BS, circle the wagons including bring the WS "inside" to save them, protect them. And then to fix her, me, us, whatever. Save what is suddenly, shockingly, in peril. So not leaving after dday makes perfect sense when you look at it through the BS' eyes.

 

I was done after dday#2. Its the BS who stay after that, and sometimes ddays 3+, that I find most curious. Ditto for the other two players WS and AP. But that's another topic.

[elaine567]

There are some days I honestly wished my WH left to be with MOW then I would at least be forced to move on and become healthier.

 

YOU do not need to be forced to move on, that decision could be taken by YOU in an instant.

If you feel you would be happier and healthier moving on, then just do it, MOW or not.

[Raena]

I'm torn on this one. I believe the BS needs to know, but I don't think it should come from the OW. But who else is going to tell her? Her husband obviously isn't going to get honest with her, he knows that if he tells her that will be the end of them and it will hurt their children. He isn't going to tell unless he is forced to but he should be the one to own up to it and be honest with her.

 

I guess it all depends on HOW you tell her (your tone of voice and whether or not you behave as if you are ashamed of what happened) and what your ultimate goal is. It seems like your goal is to get her to kick him out and send him to you. Why? If he's a serial cheater why would you even want him?

 

Your best bet at this point is to cut all ties with him and leave it be. If he's cheated before, she knows the signs and she'll figure it out one way or another. If you insist on making sure she knows the whole dirty truth then be very careful what you say and be prepared for an onslaught of anger from her and/or him.

[Lovemesomehim]

I once was against telling the BS about the affair. I thought what she/he didn't know wouldn't hurt them. After educating myself on why affairs happen my mindset changed.

If you plan on revealing the affair, I suggest you do it with the right motives and not for your selfish gain. His wife should know that she's living a lie with a cheater. She probably suspects something is wrong but without proof she's left in the dark.

If I was the BS, I would want to know.

Do not send an email to her work nor should you call her place of work. This is a personal matter and should be addressed as such.

[dreamingoftigers]

Hell yeah she helped burn down the house. She's the one that poured the gasoline and he's the one that lit the match.

 

Just because she wants to come clean, doesn't make her any better then those of us OW that didn't think twice about the BS.

 

She wants HIM to suffer. So she's willing to hurt the BS by telling her. This doesn't make sense. If she was so concerned about BS "feelings" why would she have had sex with her husband?

 

Trust me, I'd love to see my xmm completely miserable. I truly would. But by going this route is not the way to do it. Maybe his wife doesn't want to know. Maybe she does know, and chooses to look the other way.

 

Put your foot down, be a women and walk away with your dignity. Instead of looking weak and childish.

 

Don't risk destroying this family anymore then you already have. This is not your decision to be made.

 

Oh FFS.

 

Seriously?

 

YES it does make her "better" than the other OW.

In the sense that it is better for the BS to know instead of suspecting and getting gaslight while her husband plays Russian Roulette with her sexual health.

 

HE already destroyed HIS family.

The BS should be told that she is being cheated out of living the life that she truly wants. The life she has ALREADY stated that she doesn't want to be with cheater-pants!

 

WTF is wrong with some OW sticking themselves into a marriage and then wailing about how telling the truth is "none of their business."

 

NO. OPENING YOUR LEGS TO SOMEONE ELSE'S HUSBAND WAS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.

 

Like a shoplifter claiming "I can't return this stolen item to the store, that's none of my business."

 

Like a murderer claiming "I would come forward and do the time, but really, I am choosing to walk away with dignity. The truth won't help anyone anyway. I won't look "weak and childish" in front of the victim's family. I don't want them to think I am "unstable or weak.""

 

Pffttt. WTF?

[Raena]

Oh FFS.

 

Seriously?

 

YES it does make her "better" than the other OW.

In the sense that it is better for the BS to know instead of suspecting and getting gaslight while her husband plays Russian Roulette with her sexual health.

 

HE already destroyed HIS family.

The BS should be told that she is being cheated out of living the life that she truly wants. The life she has ALREADY stated that she doesn't want to be with cheater-pants!

 

WTF is wrong with some OW sticking themselves into a marriage and then wailing about how telling the truth is "none of their business."

 

NO. OPENING YOUR LEGS TO SOMEONE ELSE'S HUSBAND WAS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.

 

Like a shoplifter claiming "I can't return this stolen item to the store, that's none of my business."

 

Like a murderer claiming "I would come forward and do the time, but really, I am choosing to walk away with dignity. The truth won't help anyone anyway. I won't look "weak and childish" in front of the victim's family. I don't want them to think I am "unstable or weak.""

 

Pffttt. WTF?

 

 

Yeah see this is why I'm torn. The BS really does need to know one way or another I'm just not sure it should come from the OW. Is it worse to find out from the OW or from your wayward spouse or from some other person or just happen upon it or have to dig for the truth. I'm not sure. But one thing I do agree with you on is that if ALL women (and men) put their foot down and said NO, I WON'T sleep with you while you are married then this kind of stuff wouldn't be an issue. Seems like very few people respect the sanctimony of marriage let alone long term or committed relationships. Something is wrong with society that people feel the need to sneak, lie, cheat and hurt others. What happened to being honorable and honest? Maybe that's all just a myth, doesn't happen in the real world and I'm just being a fool for being the "faithful type" as my ex put it.

[minimariah]

So it only seems palatable when it comes from a friend of the BS?

What about from a third uninvolved party that the BS doesn't know (accompanied with proof)?

 

noap, i wouldn't be okay with it.

 

i mean... i want to know. i really want to know, no matter who or when or how tells me. but if i have a choice...? i would rather hear from a trusted friend and i was "lucky" enough that it had happened like that for me.

 

anyone else... the AP, a total stranger informing me about the A? nope. when it comes from a friend, i know this friend means well. but when it comes from an AP or a third party...? these people don't know me, they don't know if i want to know or not... so there can't be any true "meaning well" behind their actions.

 

it hurts a tiny bit less when it comes from someone you know has your back, i think.

[Popsicle]

noap, i wouldn't be okay with it.

 

i mean... i want to know. i really want to know, no matter who or when or how tells me. but if i have a choice...? i would rather hear from a trusted friend and i was "lucky" enough that it had happened like that for me.

 

anyone else... the AP, a total stranger informing me about the A? nope. when it comes from a friend, i know this friend means well. but when it comes from an AP or a third party...? these people don't know me, they don't know if i want to know or not... so there can't be any true "meaning well" behind their actions.

 

it hurts a tiny bit less when it comes from someone you know has your back, i think.

 

Yeah I totally get that.

[autumnnight]

If an AP is going to be the one to tell, they better keep one word in mind:

 

HUMILITY

[Noirek]

noap, i wouldn't be okay with it.

 

i mean... i want to know. i really want to know, no matter who or when or how tells me. but if i have a choice...? i would rather hear from a trusted friend and i was "lucky" enough that it had happened like that for me.

 

anyone else... the AP, a total stranger informing me about the A? nope. when it comes from a friend, i know this friend means well. but when it comes from an AP or a third party...? these people don't know me, they don't know if i want to know or not... so there can't be any true "meaning well" behind their actions.

 

it hurts a tiny bit less when it comes from someone you know has your back, i think.

But that is the thing. If no friend knows about it. If the BS is not going to come clean... Then that leaves the AP. and if the AP has decided they would want to know and therefore do as they would want it is still for many better than not knowing or finding out after many wasted years (in their mind). Very few good friends ever know...

 

OP, make it as little about you as possible. Have evidence or at least let her know you have evidence. And basically donas you would want done to you. And let go off the hope she will kick him out (justice) if you can. Many people see and believe what they want. There is a good chance she will make her mind up about you and your motives, wrong or right. Don't worry about that. Her opinion of you will be low and that really does not matter.

[HappyAgain2014]

Yeah see this is why I'm torn. The BS really does need to know one way or another I'm just not sure it should come from the OW. Is it worse to find out from the OW or from your wayward spouse or from some other person or just happen upon it or have to dig for the truth. I'm not sure

 

In my case, it had to be me. Only one other person knew and I certainly wouldn't ask someone else to face the music for me. That would have made me a coward. It was enough that this person carried my secret through the affair.

 

I understand the BS not caring what the motivations are for the OW but this is where the decision point is for the OW. If the motivation is genuine and not self-serving, the OW will share the truth without trying to hurt the BS any further. In my situation, the MM was it relevant at that point. It was all about me trying to share information in a dignified way while reassuring her that I would step out of the picture after this. I didn't want to scare her or give her any reason to think that I didn't understand her concerns as a mother.

 

This didn't relieve me of any guilt. In fact, it made me face it. Accountability is rare in affairs but it does exist.

[ladydesigner]

If an AP is going to be the one to tell, they better keep one word in mind:

 

HUMILITY

 

Yep absolutely agree.

[William]

Folks, I saw a bunch of rape, steal and murder stuff and, yet again, more of the usual and customary flaming regarding infidelity being 'wrong'. That's wonderful stuff but not for this thread. Take it somewhere else. Thanks!