We were supposed to talk and then...

[Deadmeat]

Hi gang,

 

Need your advice and I'll try to keep it short and simple.

 

I met this girl roughly 2 months ago and we hit it off really well. We went on a few dates which were great. Last date we kissed but then we decided to take things slower as she was planning to move away in 2 months.

 

We stayed real great friends and the kissing stopped however we flirted a lot. The day before she left I let her know I was crazy about her and that I wanted for us to try dating (she was moving 3 hours away). She decided we could talk about it first and that would be a first step to that.

 

I was not able to talk about it with her for a few days due to our schedule. On the 4th day her father gets in an accident and dies.

 

I decide to stay off pushing "the talk" as I did not want to have her make a decision under the circumstances. Also, I wanted to support her through her time of loss.

 

Initially I let her know how sorry I was and that she could call me anytime for support. She was thankful but since then things have changed. I noticed that she would hardly text me first and that some times she won't even reply at all. I'll still text her sweet nothings to let her know Im still thinking about her. She would reply and say "aww" or "thanks" but nothing like it used to be before.

 

Now I understand that her fathers death is still fresh and I want to be with her so that she remembers who was there for her when she's finally back emotionally. I also simply just care for her and I want her to be okay. At the same time given the change in attitude (she doesn't call me dear or love anymore) as well as she has almost completely stopped texting me first makes me feel like Im acting a fool.

 

What do you guys think I should do?

[yxalitis]

I am sure the best move is to give her space and just to keep being there for her.

FTFY

/Thread

[Jacob_Duluoz]

That's rough. How long has it been since she stopped responding? All this in two months?

 

I think between the move and her Father's death it's probably time to strongly consider moving on with your life. If she wanted to respond she would, her phone isn't broken. You don't have to break off all contact, but it's probably just not the time to make a go of it. She wants space. If she wants to continue, she'll send a signal.

[lolablue17]

The death of someone so close, makes a real mess in someone's life. It only happened a week ago.

 

It's a black hole, you can never know the influence of he father's death and she also doesn't know because she is going through some stages now and it can take quite a while.

 

I advice you, expect nothing right now, be there if she needs you, and that's it. Don't try anything, it's not up to you, let her come to you when (and if) she's ready.

[acrosstheuniverse]

It's only been a two month dating relationship, and her parent has died. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news but I'd be amazed if you salvage a relationship outta this. Especially as her father wasn't sick, he died suddenly. The girl won't know which way is up for a long time, and I mean long. Everyone's different but when I was going through the loss of my Mom it was a good two years before I felt remotely like myself again.

 

She's probably seeking comfort in people she already knows well and who love her, sorry but a new date is pretty much bottom of the pile, she'll have no time or space in her mind or heart for fun, getting to know one another, intimacy... even if she did, it would probably be a bad sign she's using your (not selfishly, just without realising) to fill the void.

[preraph]

This event of her dad dying has had a profound impact on her entire family and extended family and on their finances and on their future. You cannot intrude into that and demand any concentration on you right now. Her very foundation is shaken. You haven't known her long enough like a husband to be the one to lend her real support and be included in her life during this.

 

You should not contact her very often (unless she starts contacting you more often) and you should just offer condolences and ask how she is maybe once a week. Less if she stops communicating. Your relationship pales in comparison to this huge tragedy in her life and it may take her a year or two to get back on her feet.

[coryreply]

This is definitely a tough situation. Sorry you're going through it.

 

I've had some experience in this area. Everyone responds differently to grief and emotional pain. You can easily mess things up in the relationship if you don't follow the grieving person's lead.

 

It's not easy, but you have to interpret what she's saying (and not saying) through the lens of the current situation. She is grieving, emotionally wounded. That hurt is driving her responses to you right now. The last thing you want to do is forcibly insert yourself into her world.

 

You've let her know that you're there and that you care. When she's ready, she'll invite you back in but it might be a while, a long while.

[Deadmeat]

Hi guys,

 

I really appreciate the feedback. It appears there is a consensus of giving her time and space which I will start to do.

 

It's a little tough as we went from texting almost everyday to almost none at all. Even when we do now I would have to initiate 90 percent of the time.

 

My next question I guess is how often do you guys think I should contact her just to check in to let her know that I'm still there for her and at the same time allow her space for her to grieve.

 

Thanks again for all the help!

[acrosstheuniverse]

Hi guys,

 

I really appreciate the feedback. It appears there is a consensus of giving her time and space which I will start to do.

 

It's a little tough as we went from texting almost everyday to almost none at all. Even when we do now I would have to initiate 90 percent of the time.

 

My next question I guess is how often do you guys think I should contact her just to check in to let her know that I'm still there for her and at the same time allow her space for her to grieve.

 

Thanks again for all the help!

 

I would say, infrequently. Like maybe, once per week or two, unless she also initiates or is particularly enthusiastic about replying. Nothing wrong with checking in to say 'hey, how are you doing?' but be warned that due to your short dating relationship she will probably interpret that as you trying to keep your hand in there for when she's over her grief. Honestly, as someone who isn't actually a true long term friend or a partner, I would just let her know you're there for her if she needs you and back off.

 

This is a long term thing, she will not be okay in a few months, maybe not a year, maybe not longer. Her whole world has changed and it can take months for the shock alone to wear off. Even if you did stick it out somehow and start dating, it would not be easy on you or her, you could regret it. I started dating my ex a month prior to my Mom passing unexpectedly and her death was a death knell for our relationship in many ways. We stuck it out two years until he left me, I actually think he wanted to dump me a lot sooner but couldn't be the ass who dumped a girl whose Mom just died, ya know? I know I'm projecting and every situation is entirely different but that's just my experience. It's extremely difficult to have a 'normal' relationship where you have fun and get to know one another. My ex tried his best but he had to see me sobbing and ruminating and grieving and in bits every day for weeks on end, and then when it looked like I was doing okay it'd come back again. He used to feel totally useless, he couldn't make it better, I would snap at him to get away from me sometimes, we fought like hell. Once he told me I wasn't the same girl he had dated and fallen for and that hurt like you wouldn't believe. Of course I wasn't the same, I'd never be the same again. I'm myself and 'fine' again now four years later, but I'm not ever gonna be the same as the person I was before going through that.

 

So I honestly would advise you let this one go. Chalk it up to 'wrong place wrong time', mourn a little that it never got off the ground and move on and date other people. You may be thinking right now you wish you could be with her and support her through it but she probably won't let you, and even if she did, don't be so sure it's something you want. Grieving is hard, being a witness to someone's grief and being useless is agonising.

 

PS the only reason I stuck with my ex was because we'd been friends for a couple of years beforehand and I really knew him and trusted him, so I was happy to be with him throughout all of the pain and hassle. If he'd been just some new guy I'd known a couple months there's no way in hell I'd have carried anything on.