Letting go of something that never really was?

[zyphfly]

I feel pathetic even writing this, like I have the same emotional maturity I did when I was 15, except I'm twice that age now…

 

I met a girl a few years younger than me several months ago, due to a variety of circumstances I was very slow to pursue this, because if it didn't go well it likely would've created some problems with work for both of us. Anyway, over these last few months I've gotten to know her quite well (or at least thought I was getting to know her), and was becoming more and more interested, but still the vibe always felt a little "off".

 

Twice I've asked her to go with me to a casual lunch away from work, just to feel out the situation more and see if maybe I could get a better read on where she stands if we were outside of work, plus I'd just like to spend time with her, but both times that offer was politely declined.

 

I don't know if she views me as a friend or not, we've had some great conversations, share lots of mutual interests, have had really fun moments together with uncontrollable laughter, we tease each other, etc. but no signs of interest whatsoever.

 

Here's the kicker though: she has at least 3 other guy friends that I'm aware of, that she either: texts, hangs out with, or holds in high regard. Yet, I don't seem to be included on that list. It's also recently come to my attention that a mutual friend told her that I liked her, and her response was that she kind of picked up on that, but basically didn't want them to tell me that she was available.

 

Long story short: I'm absolutely agonizing over this. Like waaaayyyyy more than I should be. I think about it all day, I wake up and my stomach is in knots, and it seems the only time it goes away is when I'm with her, because then it feels like there's a hope, so I'm always looking forward to the next time I'll see her, because I'll get a temporary relief from these feelings, almost the opposite of how usually the nerves are higher when you're with the other person, she almost has a calming effect on me.

 

I really need to get over this though, it is causing me more stress and anxiety than some actual breakups I've had. Anyone been in a similar situation where unrequited love is weighing heavily?

Edited July 10, 2015 by zyphfly

[coryreply]

I have been in a similar situation. I was hanging out with this girl and loving every minute of it. We laughed together all the time. We had so much in common. She was a blast to be around.

 

I fell in love with her and when she would decline my advances, I honestly thought she was just playing hard to get. The truth was, she was just never in to me like that. It was hard, but I eventually got over it and saw her as a friend and nothing more.

 

For me, the hardest part was accepting reality. The reality was, she was a beautiful young girl, who felt very comfortable in the presence of the opposite sex. Her comfort level around me was not an indicator of her affections for me. (Turns out what I felt for her was the same as what many guys felt for her. She had that way about her. She knew this and enjoyed the attention of it all).

 

Once I accepted the reality of our relationship, I was able to move on from the "emotional connection" I felt with her. This is where your personality plays a huge part into how you think and act. If you're an X's and O's type of personality, you make decisions based on the facts in front of you. The facts in front of you are screaming, "Dude, she is not into you!" You accept that as fact and move on.

 

If you're an emotional type of personality, you make decisions based on your gut instincts and feelings. It sounds like this is more than likely how you're wired. This is why you only feel better when you're near her. It's also what's keeping you from accepting the facts of this situation, that she doesn't feel this way about you.

 

It was hard for me. I would do alright for a few weeks and then we would spend some time together and then I would fall desperately in love again.

 

It's not easy, but you'll get there. Embrace what you have, a friendship with an awesome girl. And force yourself to move on emotionally. Good luck!

[jen1447]

You're probably literally getting a dopamine fix from being around her, and 'jonesing' for your fix when you're not around her. Human brain chemistry can be a really crazy thing, on par with any pusher in terms of rewards and punishment for 'good' behavior.

 

It may sound goofy but if you just want that to stop, you'd probably be best off not seeing her anymore, at all. You'd have to go thru 'withdrawal,' which would be extremely painful, but just like a drug addict, once you got thru it you'd be much better off. Your brain would no longer give you the fix for being around her, but you'd be off the drugs so you wouldn't feel the effects of not having them.

 

Ppl do that all the time in other social dynamics, like if you're 'addicted' to a partner and the relationship is dying, you can still be made to feel ok by talking to or seeing the withdrawing partner, even if you know it's over. Neuro-chemical addiction ....yikes.

[15Love]

Just what I was thinking!^^^

 

For some reason certain people bring out those neuro chemicals unlike anyone else.

 

If mine can serve as a cautionary tale...don't let it go on. Nip it in th bud now. Or you might end up 16 years later saying the exact same thing. Trying to "quit the habit."

 

Take it seriously...steer clear of people that bring this out in you. It's not worth it.

[zyphfly]

I appreciate all of this advice, more than any of you could know.

 

In my friend/family circle I feel so incredibly alone in this situation, I've tried to share some of this with them, but they just don't seem to understand what a serious effect it is having on me. I feel mentally and physically awful about it, I'm having trouble sleeping, I'm losing a ton of weight, I feel very powerless over the thoughts, it's becoming all consuming. For the last three days I feel like I'm living on the verge of tears that won't come out, like I'm just stuck at the worst most wound-up feeling of emotional distress without the release.

 

The worst part is that I know it wouldn't work in the long run anyway, the logical part of my brain knows that under the best of circumstances I would never be okay with dating someone who had multiple guy friends, and she displays some qualities that I could easily see past in a friend, but not in a relationship.

 

It really does feel like she has a neuro-chemical effect on me. I would say that she isn't even what most people would consider conventionally attractive, though she has good style. But I honestly haven't felt such a magnetism to someone in years. I really wish that I could just completely avoid her, but that isn't entirely possible given our working arrangements.

 

These are the times in life where I wish it was possible to just be 100% honest with someone to clear the air, but I know doing that would only make things even worse.

 

Ugh.

[Friggia]

You're not alone, feel like my life's in a similar situation and I'm just crumbling every day. Fact! - There are people who care about strangers in this world, couldn't keep the tears back on the subway and someone actually chased after me when I left and told me they hoped I was going to be okay. I just told them I was sleep-deprived (lie).

 

I think this is just one of those things that you have to ride out, until it eventually loses it's intensity and/or some better situation for you comes along. It does suck a lot but at least it, like all states in life, is temporary.

[BriNyc82]

You're definitely not alone! Please know that. my withdrawal from my ex was excruciating. Physically. Mentally. Emotionally. But we are only human. I think it can be seen as a sign of strength because it means you are a person who is capable of feeling. And as tough as it is now you will only be a stronger person in the end.

 

15love- agreed. Steer clear of the people who give you that "high". It can only last so long. At the end of the day we are responsible for giving into that high. I blame myself for taking part in that high. I thought it felt right. I thought this is easy! This is how it's supposed to be. Butterflies! Nope. Should have seen it as a red flag. As someone who is very in tune with her feelings I need to train myself to think more with my head vs heart.

[15Love]

As someone who is very in tune with her feelings I need to train myself to think more with my head vs heart.

 

 

Right! Isn't it ironic that this seems to happen to the most self-aware people??

 

Now to figure out what the training consists of besides sheer willpower.

 

Clearly I'm struggling with some serious self respect issues...ah! where to begin!

[BriNyc82]

If you figure it out let me know lol I thought I would have learned my lesson with the last jerk but nope. Made the same mistake again. Maybe I am a love addict.

[15Love]

Love addict...yes, that's a possibility. But we need solutions! Not just labels. I'll slap em all over me! Done! Now! what shall I do to get rid of them!