Am I being mean?

[OldRover]

Just set your boundaries and stick to them. Even more so since she is in the midst of her affair and has no intention of ending it, she doesn't need help, she just wants to gab about it. You have every right to not want to hear about it.

 

Absolutely.... just set the boundaries.... if she mentions it, just say time out... this is not up for discussion.

 

I do this with a few friends when they bring up an unwanted subject..... One friend I can't talk politics with, so if mentioned, I cut it off right away.

[Noideanow]

Absolutely.... just set the boundaries.... if she mentions it, just say time out... this is not up for discussion.

 

I do this with a few friends when they bring up an unwanted subject..... One friend I can't talk politics with, so if mentioned, I cut it off right away.

 

What a friend you are, all about your needs? I wouldnt want friends like this type since i cant speak my mind with you, some things Seem wrong some things Right and one has to obey your thoughts?, i like people where you Can say and talk about everything, no matter how sensitive a subject i guess thats what friends are for?:confused: but i guess some people fit and some dont:confused:?

[candie13]

I think it's still raw for you, given that you've been in her shoes at some moment, in your near past. I wouldn't say "unfriend her forever" but stay away. People like that are a lot of trouble - to themselves and to those around them.

[Noideanow]

Popsicle, to me it seems a bit ironic that what you do in here (with strangers) you wont allow your friend? Why? You talk/read about affairs i observe yet you wont let her confide in you:confused:

[Popsicle]

She texted me that she broke up with him (she says because he acts too much like her ex).

[candie13]

Pops... listen, i don't mean to be rude or sound judgmental or anything... but what on earth do you mean "she broke up with him because he acted too much like her ex"? He is a married man. Taken. Unavailable. That's all there is to it. If her ex was equally unavailable - physically, legally or emotionally... well she has a much bigger problem and staying with her MM or leaving him won't fix it.

 

People who broke up need to talk. Vent. Get stuff out of their system. I think it's great that she broke it off, but personally, I don't believe her - affairs sound like "on again and off again" to me. She is in that emotional rollercoaster ride and will tag along with her anyone willing to listen. Now, if you have firm opinions about this, if you don't give a sh*t, if to you RS with MM are a big no-no and no way in hell will you ever go near one, then yeah, you can be her shoulder to cry on and shake her up a little bit, for her to come to her senses.

 

To me, this - MM, affairs, etc - seem to still get to you. You seem vulnerable. If I were you, I'd write her a lovely text of encouragement but re-state the fact that even though it's over, you still don't want to talk about it. It'll drag you down.

[Popsicle]

Pops... listen, i don't mean to be rude or sound judgmental or anything... but what on earth do you mean "she broke up with him because he acted too much like her ex"? He is a married man. Taken. Unavailable. That's all there is to it. If her ex was equally unavailable - physically, legally or emotionally... well she has a much bigger problem and staying with her MM or leaving him won't fix it.

 

People who broke up need to talk. Vent. Get stuff out of their system. I think it's great that she broke it off, but personally, I don't believe her - affairs sound like "on again and off again" to me. She is in that emotional rollercoaster ride and will tag along with her anyone willing to listen. Now, if you have firm opinions about this, if you don't give a sh*t, if to you RS with MM are a big no-no and no way in hell will you ever go near one, then yeah, you can be her shoulder to cry on and shake her up a little bit, for her to come to her senses.

 

To me, this - MM, affairs, etc - seem to still get to you. You seem vulnerable. If I were you, I'd write her a lovely text of encouragement but re-state the fact that even though it's over, you still don't want to talk about it. It'll drag you down.

 

Lol. I agree and thought all the same things but I will give her the benefit of the doubt and believe her that it's over and done with and that she won't go on and on about it.

[carhill]

Having been the 'friend' many times, my perspective is that boundaries can remain intact even while interacting regarding behaviors I might not personally agree with at the time. Generally, friends are friends because of many areas of synergy. Friends will also diverge, as humans are all different.

 

What I've done, post D anyway, when a friend broaches subjects like affairs or infidelity, is listen and share some of the lessons I've learned from personal experience and professional counseling.

 

OP, does your friend feel you're being mean? Have they expressed that?

 

Given the friend is 'new' and you don't have substantive history and the emotional bonds which go along with that, IMO your boundary is completely valid and healthy. There are a lot of other conversations to have and activities to share.

[Popsicle]

Having been the 'friend' many times, my perspective is that boundaries can remain intact even while interacting regarding behaviors I might not personally agree with at the time. Generally, friends are friends because of many areas of synergy. Friends will also diverge, as humans are all different.

 

What I've done, post D anyway, when a friend broaches subjects like affairs or infidelity, is listen and share some of the lessons I've learned from personal experience and professional counseling.

 

OP, does your friend feel you're being mean? Have they expressed that?

 

Given the friend is 'new' and you don't have substantive history and the emotional bonds which go along with that, IMO your boundary is completely valid and healthy. There are a lot of other conversations to have and activities to share.

 

 

Thanks. No, she hasn't expressed that she felt I was mean and we talk about other things so I think we'll be fine.

[lemondrop21]

If you're like me and have now amassed a solid collection of articles about affairs and how detrimental they are, how to get out of them, etc. you could send the links her way in an email. Reading articles about how sadly typical my situation was, was very jarring for me, and I didn't have to burden any friends with my whining in the process.

[Popsicle]

Okay, Candie13, you were right. She did get back together with him.

 

I suspected and asked her and she said yes but that she didn't tell me because she knew I didn't want to hear it.

[Dela]

Okay, Candie13, you were right. She did get back together with him.

 

I suspected and asked her and she said yes but that she didn't tell me because she knew I didn't want to hear it.

 

 

This reminds me of my cousin. she has (still has) a realy awful bf. everytime she would come to me for advice, complaining, crying etc. i was there for her until she broke up with him for a few months, but when she got back together with him she didn t tell me at first because "i know what u think, but this time it s different bla bla"

well, it s not different. i still listen to her when she needs me, but no more advice from me. sometimes i feel bad because she s my cousin, but i don t think i m being mean. she knows how things are.

the point is, never get involved in someone else s $h!t. they don t listen anyway, plus sometimes they might get mad at u for giving them some advice to end the relationship because it s not good for them.

[kilgore]

I have a friend (single) who really want to talk about her A with me but I don't want to talk about it. Am I being mean?

 

hah. i didn't know what "A" was at first. i thought you meant "ass" and thought that she was being a little self involved and that you should have indulged her.

 

now that i know, hard to say. better that she talks than that she is isolated. maybe guide her to a better decisions

[seren]

One of my very good friends committed suicide when the MM stayed with his wife, she was a wonderful, lovely person who loved and believed and waited and then was left after 15 years of doing so. When my H had an a she was there for me, the only one I truly confided in and she was there through it all.

 

While her A was ongoing we both talked about how I hated the A, I hate all A's because I hate deceit, and we sort of silently agreed boundaries. We never shared the 'gushing' conversations, but we shared when she was hurt, let down and needed to talk to someone who wouldn't judge the action but help and support the teller. I supported the friend and not the OW, if that makes any sense.

 

Before she died she stayed with me and seemed to be coming out the other side, but she didn't and I miss her each and every day. I would do the same again if a friend needed to talk about how she was feeling and set the same boundaries. If she expected me to be an alibi for them meeting, then no, that would not happen, if her H was my friend, then no I wouldn't want any part of any of it. But if she was in need or pain then yes, I would drop everything and be there in a heartbeat.

 

We are all different and we all have our own lines in the sand and you have to do what sits right with you. Maybe directing her to LS is the right way to go and anonymous ear is better than no ear at all.