qubist Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 (edited) I met my ex wife in TN when I was in the air force, she was a young cashier at a Walmart Store and still in high school , I fell in love with her dated for couple of years then got married we were both young I was 26 she was almost 22, we moved to the DC area where I found a good government job I was providing for her while she was going to school, I actually insisted she goes back to school. everything till now sounds like a "disney type of stories" My ex used to go back to Tennessee a lot to visit her family, I never minded that as she didn't know anybody in DC and all her relatives and friends lived there. she would go for couple weeks sometimes. she was also chatting online with them very often, one day while I was with her talking to her dad via Skype, an instant message from this guy popped up.I wouldn't have noticed if she didn't panic trying to shut it down . I, first played it cool and pretended didn't see anything. I asked to call her dad on skype to finish conversation but she refused and suggested we call him from her cell instead. I knew there was something she was hiding. I played it dump but I went and investigated till I found her Facebook messages with this guy whom I knew. apparently she is been in contact with him she sees him every time she goes back to TN but she insisted she never slept with him. she told me this after I confronted her and forced her to admit. I was upset and hurt called her father and kicked her out of my apartment. she told me then that she didn't love me and she wanted to go back home and live with Mat (the other guy) long story short, we ended up divorcing, it was heartbreaking for everybody even her family because we liked each other. It took me a while to cope with this I went through a lot of counseling, I realized later That i could've handled the situation better. but I felt better I was clear with myself I didn't hate her or her lover any more. I met a lady who works in the same building where I work, and started to get close to each other, just friendship, but in less that 2 months we knew everything about each other she was also a victim of infidelity as her ex fiancee/BF of 6 years decided to dump her for another woman, we both like each other's company but I didn't want to rush in any romance I did show interest and she noticed but we never talked about it. as of right now we still friends. never kissed or even held hand we go to lunch together every day and went shopping with her a couple of times. Here is when it started to be confusing. My ex is back in the picture, first she requested a Facebook friendship then chatted with me in the private messenger. she was checking on all my posts and "like" them. she wanted to talk to me and sent me her number, I hesitated then I convinced myself that i don't have anything against her now after more than 2 years. I finally called her first conversation was just checking on each other and our families. she called me the next day apologizing for what happened and she was sorry that she hurt me. i accepted her apology. a month later she called me to let me know that she would be visiting DC for sightseeing with her 2 girlfriends whom I know and was wondering if we can meet. I agreed and met a this bar, I won't lie that it felt good to see her again, I don't know how it happened we ended up leaving the bar just the 2 of us we went to my car and just drove. we started talking about what had happened she admitted she was wrong she was feeling lonely and didn't handled the situation right she regretted everything and wanted us to be friends. she told that she never loved Mat it just a foolish reaction to loneliness and they broke up immediately. I told her I was cool and not holding anything back. I took her back to her hotel and left. next day I called her to invite her and her friends for dinner everything went normal but again somehow her friends left us alone we went to my apartment where we used to live together she started crying the minute she walked in she was shocked by the memories I guess. I started to comfort her then in a blank of a second we kissed then we had sex. she told me that she loves me and she wants us back I told her that I can't make that decision right now she asked if I was seeing anybody else I lied and said yes . This was last weekend, I'm confused and I don't know what to do. I have mixed feelings. I forgave what she did but still can't forget it. and my feeling toward the other lady is strange I'm not sure if I love her but we comfort each other Edited July 14, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs Link to post Share on other sites
pondhawk Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 There is a reason why your ex is an ex. She's a cheater. She's fishing around for some kibbles. Where's Mat? Do you really see a future with her?? You will always be wondering....you'll always fall into that detective mode once in a while. That's no way to live! You deserve much better! You deserve a partner who would never betray and stab you in the back. I know it was a slip to sleep with her again but that made things much more complicated. After hearing that you're in a "relationship" it probably got her rocks off to sleep with you thinking you were "cheating" on someone else for her! IMO she's a dead end. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Keenly Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 She went running into matts arms and he rejected her. Now she wants to come crawling back like there are no consequences for her actions. Fool me Once... 8 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 If you can't forgive AND forget you can't reconcile with her. Sex with the EX is a common thing. Just because you are a better guy & she misses you doesn't mean that she is able to live in DC again. She was very young when you married, which I'm sure contributed to her infidelity but is not an excuse. Do you really want to put yourself in a position where you are trying to have an LDR with a woman who couldn't remain faithful to you while living with you? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author qubist Posted July 10, 2015 Author Share Posted July 10, 2015 I appreciate the input,I'm not falling back in love with her or rushing back to her, I'm just confused. as for Mat I didn't wanna ask her about him but she mentioned that her dad was so upset with him he blamed him for ruining her life and just stopped talking to each other. she went through therapy and was advised to get in touch with me to clear things out. I know that I'm acting soft but for some reason I still miss our days together before her infidelity. by the way she still insist she never slept with him. Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 Don't go back there. You sound like a good guy and she didn't appreciate you or respect you enough not to cheat. Her cheating will always be an issue and you don't need to be thinking she's seeing another Matt if you get back with her. Leave her in the past . 3 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 I think you handled the discovery of her infidelity spot on and think you did the right thing by letting her go and divorcing her cleanly when she wanted to move back home and pursue a R with this other dude. And since you weren't exclusively seeing anyone, I don't fault you for meeting with her and accepting her apology. I don't even fault you for having sex with her provided you don't lose your head and don't invest more of your heart than you are willing to lose. However........ 1 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 However..... I have concerns that you are not quite in a position to deal with this from a position of strength. I'm not sue out have the upper hand and this is such a high risk situation, you really need to be in the position of strength and to have the upper hand. I think she still has your heart strings in her grasp enough that she may have the upper hand here. My overall opinion of this is if you are dating other women (yes plural) and you are able to see her Occasionally and are able to be emotionally rational enough that you can hit the reset button enough that she is just another woman you are going out with, then I see no real alarm here. Basically if you can start from scratch and just date her like you would any other woman you met and would be able to just walk away at any moment if she tries to pull a fast one without leaving you heartbroken and setting you back emotionally again, then so be it. But if you aren't to that point yet (which I do not believe you are) then I would warn you to let this one go. I have several concerns but one of my main ones is the conditions that supposedly drove her away have not changed. You are still in DC and she still has no other family etc there. I do not, repeat do NOT, think that you should even consider moving to be with her, but if she is willing to move to DC, get a job and a place of her own and develop a life of her own there and start dating you from square one with the full knowledge that it may not work out, then that is her prerogative. If she wants to date you and see if you can reconcile, then she needs to come to you and hit the reset button and start from scratch. My admonishment is not to roll out the red carpet for her and do not offer up your home or guarantee her a reconciliation. At this point she is going to have to take her chances and work for it like any other woman in a dating situation. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 .....My other concern is you are a young, employed man in your upper 20s now and this hurt you so bad you are just now starting to get out there again. You can't afford to have her pull the football out from under you like Lucy yanking the ball away from Charlie Brown again. If you had dated and had relations with a dozen other women since she left and you were confident you'd be able to start from scratch and not get over invested or allow her to hurt you or set you back again, I'd say you are all older and wiser adults and can do as you wish. But since it's been two years and you are just now starting to spend some time with someone as "friends", I don't think you are in a position to defend yourself or maintain hour own best interests. Date her and bang her when she comes to town if you want. Just be dating and having relations with multiple other women while you're doing that. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author qubist Posted July 11, 2015 Author Share Posted July 11, 2015 Oldshirt: thank you very much for your input. Everything you said made complete sense. The only thing I would add is that I didnt handle the break up right. I didn't go trough the details when I confronted her and force her to admit I went too crazy I slapped her and called her all kind of names I even called her parents and told them she is a w***re I was mad and didn't control myself. Any ways I do agree that I still have a soft spot for her that was triggered again last weekend. We didn't talk at all this week but did comment on one of my FB post. Link to post Share on other sites
OldRover Posted July 11, 2015 Share Posted July 11, 2015 Oldshirt: thank you very much for your input. Everything you said made complete sense. The only thing I would add is that I didnt handle the break up right. I didn't go trough the details when I confronted her and force her to admit I went too crazy I slapped her and called her all kind of names I even called her parents and told them she is a w***re I was mad and didn't control myself. Any ways I do agree that I still have a soft spot for her that was triggered again last weekend. We didn't talk at all this week but did comment on one of my FB post. OldShirt has some good comments. I'd argue not to jump back in without some time to figure out if it will work and you can live with it. Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted July 11, 2015 Share Posted July 11, 2015 Dump your ex, stick to new girl. Your ex is just sad her affair love didn't turn out like she imagined and now she doesn't want you to move on from her, she wants you to be miserable and missing her - break off all contact to her and show her that you never were that foolish wimp she believes you to be. And quit falling for her manipulation with sex. If she decides to "forget the pill" she will attempt to drag you back into a relationship via oops-baby. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 11, 2015 Share Posted July 11, 2015 And quit falling for her manipulation with sex. If she decides to "forget the pill" she will attempt to drag you back into a relationship via oops-baby. Had the same thought, hopefully not already too late. Doubt that it was an accident her two friends "disappeared". Qubist, don't you question her motives a little bit? If she was so miserable away from TN, what's changed? I'd be very wary, not being able to make it on her own is different than being in love with you... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted July 11, 2015 Share Posted July 11, 2015 Qubist, don't you question her motives a little bit? If she was so miserable away from TN, what's changed? I'd be very wary, not being able to make it on her own is different than being in love with you... Considering that she's making a career as cashier at a young age financial security should be her top priority. However, she should get there herself, not by her partner's wallet. Link to post Share on other sites
Author qubist Posted July 14, 2015 Author Share Posted July 14, 2015 I want to thank all of you for your honest opinions it is good to see other perspectives. it's bee a crazy 10 days. you all agreed that I should just move on and some suggest I should ask Jessica ( the other girl) for a date, which is what my 2 close friends here told me the first day. but I ended up making up with my EX. you might be surprised but let me explain. when she got back in touch with me my closest friend thought I was crazy to even talk to her, my family still don't know that I saw her i don't even know what my mom's reaction will be if she finds out that I had sex with my EX. I started looking online for stories of reconciliations, the reasons the conditions... I went from one site to another till I got here and decided to share my story with you. I admit that I was hoping to find any encouragement to consider going for a second chance with her. nobody provided that here nor did my friends. one of them even went deeper into analyzing my personalty saying that my lack of self-esteem is driving me back to her. I see what he meant as I'm the first to admit that I have some personalty flaws That I've been working on. I was always a shy boy growing up, never was a "Ladies man" few dates, in fact the only sexual relationship I had before marriage were with older women. I met My wife and immediately fell in love. I wanted her to be the best woman, but didn't realize that i was projecting my view of perfect woman on her. I pushed her to go to college I even helped her do the homework many times. everything looked perfect for me but neglected the fact that she wasn't happy. she was a soldier and I'm her commander she just had to listen to what I said. I had the same problem at work and didn't realize that people hated working for me till recently while I was thinking I was doing the best for everybody. to me everything with her was perfect till that October 6th 2012 ( the worst day of my life). and that's why I overreacted that day because I was pulled from heaven and dragged down to hell. after I red all you comments and listened to my friend advices I said to myself all of these guys can't be wrong, in addition to the fact that she didn't call me back at all all week since she left last Saturday, it pushed to make a plan. my initial plan up till Last weekend was to see if Jessica wants me, I wanted to tell her about my ex and be clear with her, I also planned to keep in touch with my EX as a friend. I didn't know how to approach Jessica, like I said I was never a "ladies man". Jessica is not as pretty as my ex but she is an established woman with lots of qualities, I don't know what she exactly does at work but she is very respected and work hard, she owns a nice house on the Chesapeake bay in Annapolis MD about 35 miles from DC ( for those not familiar with the area this is a nice place to live) she was in relationship with some dude who used her for 7 years he lived with her for free and she even supported him financially when his construction business hit a dump few years ago, he left her heartbroken. So i called Jessica Sunday mid-morning to see if she had any plans, but she was uncharacteristically rude and weird asking me why I'm calling she is normally friendly and sweet, I asked her if she wanted to go for lunch she she said she was busy and hanged up. I was like wooow I texted her apologizing for bothering her but she never replayed which surprised me a lot. I didn't know what to make of this i was confused by her reaction. Yesterday, i was back at work and normally Jessica and I go to lunch at the same time around 12:30, I texted her an hour before to let her know That I will be waiting for her at the lobby at 12:30 it took her 30 minutes to relay and said they had meeting and will have lunch at the office. I understood she was avoiding me but I could never understand why. I felt bad but realized that she doesn't owe me anything. I was feeling down all day went home wanted to talk to someone. I even started typing in this Forum but never posted what I wrote. around 6:00 pm I called my EX I just felt I needed to talk to her. she didn't answer me either which made feel worse. I called my friend to see if we can go to a hookah bar he wasn't available either. then suddenly at 7:06 pm exactly my EX called back and we talked for 2 hours and a half. talked about everything. first thing she said when i picked up was " Man it took 11 days to call me" and I said I thought you were going to call. her take was that I'm seeing another woman it would be better for her stay aside I told her everything about Jessica and she insisted on telling everything about her "affair" I didn't want to hear it first but she kept begging me . to summarize it. Matt was a close friend to whole family, he was her dad's helper at a plumbing and H VAC company but her dad considered him like a family member, he was friendly and helpful. lot of time when she used to go to TN he would volunteer to pick her up and drop her off at the airport about 40 miles away. it all started when one day My EX and her mom wanted to go to Nashville to visit her sick aunt, the friendly Matt drove them there. that evening he asked her if he could take her to downtown Nashville. he took her to dinner and had fun. after that he got closer to her as a friend and started chatting online and every time she goes back to TN he would take her places like ice rink skating . she started to get more comfortable with him telling him everything about our life. he would listen to her and offer advices. one time they went to a country music concert with him, one of her sisters , 2 of her friends and one of her friend's boyfriend. I remember she did asked for my permission to go. in that day Matt took a step too far while dancing with my EX he started getting to close to her then told her that he loved her and tried to kiss her. she stopped him there. even her sister and friends noticed that but they blamed it on Alcohol. after that day he continued going after her, she admitted she should've told me but feared my reaction. she admitted that she didn't want to stop their friendship but he wanted more than that. he was texting her all day on her Facebook and cell until I found out. October 6 2012 was a very bad day for me but it was even worst for her. it was a day she felt like she lost everything she couldn't defend her self didn't know what to tell her conservative family. she dad almost had a hearth attack, he went and confronted Matt in his house and wanted to hit him then collapsed and was taken to a hospital, she thought she would have to kill her self if her dad died because of her. she hated me because she was thinking she saw me part responsible for this. she was depressed and had to be treated medically for that. the experience made her a better person after a lots of pain she felt better about her self she got a job with her dad as dispatcher/scheduler. how did she get in touch with me. she did feel like she she needed to make peace with me and apologize but did feel comfortable doing it, her 2 friends helped her, they arranged for that 4th of July weekend trip to DC and the rest you know it. I felt better after I talked to her and promised each other to work on reconciliation. I still don't know how we are going to do it because it will have to be a long distance one. she is not ready to leave home and come back to me and honestly I'm not ready for her back with me yet. thanks for all your advices and input 1 Link to post Share on other sites
understand50 Posted July 14, 2015 Share Posted July 14, 2015 Good Luck. Hope it works out for you. Just keep your eyes open, and your mind clear. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Shinebrightforever Posted August 9, 2015 Share Posted August 9, 2015 Qubist...you have an amazing story. One that you shouldn't feel you need to justify. Relationships are tough, and although your EX hurt you deeply, only your heart knows the journey it wishes to take...and with whom. . I wish you both a great second start together at this thing called life. Hugs. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MrBojangles Posted September 12, 2015 Share Posted September 12, 2015 Qubist, Just wanted to see how your R is going? Hope that you are still on the path of rebuilding. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author qubist Posted September 12, 2015 Author Share Posted September 12, 2015 Qubist, Just wanted to see how your R is going? Hope that you are still on the path of rebuilding. yes and no we are still talking maybe taking it too slow. but we both understand each other position. there are a few points that I'm still debating with myself. the most important one is faith. she has become a devoted Christan all of the sudden and I'm an atheist. :o do not want to rush. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MrBojangles Posted September 12, 2015 Share Posted September 12, 2015 yes and no we are still talking maybe taking it too slow. but we both understand each other position. there are a few points that I'm still debating with myself. the most important one is faith. she has become a devoted Christan all of the sudden and I'm an atheist. :o do not want to rush. Well this is a wise way to approach R in most cases. The Faith issue could become a big deal down the road for the both of you, if you're not on the same page. I know this from personal experience. But as the old saying goes, "love conquers all". However this turns out for you, I think that you are very fortunate that you were given a gift that many of us rarely ever get, and that is a chance to make peace with the person that betrayed us. It also gave you a chance to come to terms with the understandable, but unfortunate way things ended when you confronted her. I wish you two great success in your attempt to reconcile! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author qubist Posted September 12, 2015 Author Share Posted September 12, 2015 Well this is a wise way to approach R in most cases. The Faith issue could become a big deal down the road for the both of you, if you're not on the same page. I know this from personal experience. But as the old saying goes, "love conquers all". However this turns out for you, I think that you are very fortunate that you were given a gift that many of us rarely ever get, and that is a chance to make peace with the person that betrayed us. It also gave you a chance to come to terms with the understandable, but unfortunate way things ended when you confronted her. I wish you two great success in your attempt to reconcile! faith is not an issue for me at all I don't care what she believes, but I'm not sure if she is OK with it she said she is as long as I allow her to raise any future kids as Christians apparently this is very important to her. we talk a lot and leave everything open, I just loose all my logic when I'm with her can't explain why. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jbrent890 Posted September 12, 2015 Share Posted September 12, 2015 yes and no we are still talking maybe taking it too slow. but we both understand each other position. there are a few points that I'm still debating with myself. the most important one is faith. she has become a devoted Christan all of the sudden and I'm an atheist. :o do not want to rush. I'm glad you are taking things slow, but I'm not going to lie, I do wish you would take Oldshirt's advice and go date other people before you really do commit to reconciling with your ex. You are a divorced single man in your late 20s. I think you owe it to yourself to see what else is out there brotha. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author qubist Posted September 12, 2015 Author Share Posted September 12, 2015 I'm glad you are taking things slow, but I'm not going to lie, I do wish you would take Oldshirt's advice and go date other people before you really do commit to reconciling with your ex. You are a divorced single man in your late 20s. I think you owe it to yourself to see what else is out there brotha. well, to be honest. I'm still a work on progress as far as self confident, I did have some ONS but they were for straight mutual benefit, BTW I told her that and she is surprisingly OK with it. my problem is I have developed a fear to committed relationship. the sad thing that I'm aware of it and can't help myself out of it. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted September 12, 2015 Share Posted September 12, 2015 Leave that/her in the past and start anew with someone else. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author qubist Posted September 12, 2015 Author Share Posted September 12, 2015 Leave that/her in the past and start anew with someone else. It's funny that this what every one here tells me and from her side all her friends and family are telling her to leave me alone. I wish it was easy, I wish she never came back to my life. our agreement is that we are both singles now, we are just testing each other waters, we promised we will stay friends no matter what. but she still demands that I stop all sexual relationship with other women :sick:. it is weird but I'm still riding this till further notice 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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