what would you do?

[MrBojangles]

It's funny that this what every one here tells me and from her side all her friends and family are telling her to leave me alone. I wish it was easy, I wish she never came back to my life.

our agreement is that we are both singles now, we are just testing each other waters, we promised we will stay friends no matter what. but she still demands that I stop all sexual relationship with other women :sick:. it is weird but I'm still riding this till further notice

 

 

Well each of you have matured a bit since your marriage ended. You've eloquently pointed how you've come to realize mistakes you made in the marriage, and she has admitted where she went wrong also. As long as your continued interaction with each other is not preventing either of you from moving on, then I do not see a problem with exploring if there may still be "something" there.

 

IMO, I think the approach you both are taking by moving very slowly, is very wise. Just in case you haven't noticed, I'm a proponent for second chances, where deserved.

[qubist]

Well each of you have matured a bit since your marriage ended. You've eloquently pointed how you've come to realize mistakes you made in the marriage, and she has admitted where she went wrong also. As long as your continued interaction with each other is not preventing either of you from moving on, then I do not see a problem with exploring if there may still be "something" there.

 

IMO, I think the approach you both are taking by moving very slowly, is very wise. Just in case you haven't noticed, I'm a proponent for second chances, where deserved.

Thanks MrBojangles: I'm a proponent for second chances too. except my case it's just bit complicated. we love each other no doubt. her ideal situation if she had a magic wand it would be me moving to TN joining her church and have lot of kids If I do that she would give me her life. of course this can't happen I can't quit my job I"m an atheist . I don't want her to come back here and dive into her own life again away from mine, that was the source of all the problems we had. I last saw her in person when she was with a bunch of kids from her church in an a trip to a water fall park. I drove all the way to TN about 7 hours just to see her. she was very happy she loves what she is doing I'm afraid I can't match that. I'm willing to give her my life( and if i believed in life after death I would offer that too ) I just need to make sure that I can keep her

[underpants]

Welcome to the mistake of your life.

[OldRover]

qubist,

 

You've gone thru a lot and sounds like you both have strong feelings for each other, and I'm betting that you can make it work.

 

People DO change, and ofter the second time around is better.

 

However, you'll have some issues, and one of you will have to move to be with the other. Something you'll have to work out. You'll also have to deal with the religious differences, but don't see that a major problem.

 

And, if you're serious about her, as you date her, you will want to be totally monogamous with each other... that's part of regaining the trust, that you'll need. And you can take your time.

 

Good luck.

[oldshirt]

At this point you are two single, consenting adults. You can do whatever you want to do.

 

 

You just need to realize and accept the risks if you decide to go down this path.

 

 

What is going to be key for you here is how strong are you and how strong are your boundaries. If you have grown some brass balls over the last couple years and are able to implement and enforce strong, definitive boundaries and are able to defend yourself, then this relationship is probably no better and no worse than any other option.

 

 

Afterall, there are no guarentees in the world regardless of what woman you date.

 

 

As long as you are smart, strong and able to take of yourself no matter how bad things go to pot, you'll survive.

 

 

I'll just refer back to my original posts back in July - don't invest what you aren't willing to lose.

[OldRover]

At this point you are two single, consenting adults. You can do whatever you want to do.

 

 

You just need to realize and accept the risks if you decide to go down this path.

 

 

What is going to be key for you here is how strong are you and how strong are your boundaries. If you have grown some brass balls over the last couple years and are able to implement and enforce strong, definitive boundaries and are able to defend yourself, then this relationship is probably no better and no worse than any other option.

 

 

Afterall, there are no guarentees in the world regardless of what woman you date.

 

 

As long as you are smart, strong and able to take of yourself no matter how bad things go to pot, you'll survive.

 

 

I'll just refer back to my original posts back in July - don't invest what you aren't willing to lose.

 

Old Shirt,

 

Good post overall, but I'd take exception to the first statement that they are connecting adults and can do whatever they want. True, but if there's ANY chance of reconciling, there's a strong argument to have some boundaries, on their current relationship, including monogamy, and rebuilding trust.

[qubist]

Welcome to the mistake of your life.

 

Which is...?

[qubist]

qubist,

 

You've gone thru a lot and sounds like you both have strong feelings for each other, and I'm betting that you can make it work.

 

People DO change, and ofter the second time around is better.

 

However, you'll have some issues, and one of you will have to move to be with the other. Something you'll have to work out. You'll also have to deal with the religious differences, but don't see that a major problem.

 

And, if you're serious about her, as you date her, you will want to be totally monogamous with each other... that's part of regaining the trust, that you'll need. And you can take your time.

 

Good luck.

Thanks oldrover, religious differences is a main concern maybe the biggest obstacle in my eyes, I'm a very open minded guy I really don't care what she believes in and although she is saying that she is Ok with me being an atheist but she thinks that she has a plan to convert me back to Jesus she pray for me every night that I would " repent". My problem with this is her plan will not work and I don't know how she would react to that. She also spends a lot of time in the church lately 3 to 4 days a week I will not tolerate this. She wants to raise our kids as Christians while for me I would prefer to raise them religionless but I may let that go.

I also agree that monagomy is important for us to build the trust. She committed to that and I promised her to stay away from other women. She actually made this a must to R

She knows that she would have to move back to where I live, she even went ahead and contacted church members and they can't wait for her to move

Edited September 13, 2015 by qubist

[OldRover]

Thanks oldrover, religious differences is a main concern maybe the biggest obstacle in my eyes, I'm a very open minded guy I really don't care what she believes in and although she is saying that she is Ok with me being an atheist but she thinks that she has a plan to convert me back to Jesus she pray for me every night that I would " repent". My problem with this is her plan will not work and I don't know how she would react to that. She also spends a lot of time in the church lately 3 to 4 days a week I will not tolerate this. She wants to raise our kids as Christians while for me I would prefer to raise them religionless but I may let that go.

I also agree that monagomy is important for us to build the trust. She committed to that and I promised her to stay away from other women. She actually made this a must to R

She knows that she would have to move back to where I live, she even went ahead and contacted church members and they can't wait for her to move

 

Qubist,

 

Looks like you have your act together.

 

Yea, the religious thing could be an issue. 3 to 4 days a week is a LOT, especially if it takes quality time from you. Perhaps you could live with a compromise. I have a similar issue with my SO, but she only goes Sun mornings, and if not convenient (like on a trip), she can skip. Also, no kids involved, so it's a bit different with you. However, raising the kids with religion often doesn't hurt, but the need to understand that they should develop their own beliefs, even if different from moms. And we all know that religion varies a LOT among different denominations and groups, so they all can't be right, and you SO should understand this.

 

Also, converting someone can be very difficult and unsuccessful, and she should understand that too. People DO change, but has to come from within, although, they can be influenced. However, we all know it's harder to change as one gets older.

 

Good luck.

[TrustedthenBusted]

There are like 7 billion people in the world. Why do so many of us seem to get so hung up on just one?

[qubist]

There are like 7 billion people in the world. Why do so many of us seem to get so hung up on just one?

:lmao::lmao:

Trustedthenbusted, I have no answer to that. if hypothetically all the women in the world were in front of me and I could choose any of them to spend the rest of my life with I would choose her.. :o not because she is the sexiest or the wisest I don't even know why, i just loose all my logic when it comes to her.

[underpants]

Which is...?

 

Dude. Let the ex down easy, over the phone.

 

You are in your 20s. Believe it or not you are young and cute and have the world by the tail.

 

Funny how when you are just out of the funk she comes along (watch the movie 'Swingers'). Ex's have radar and can tell when you are moving on, and it is just that.

 

Do you really, REALLY, want to see your future children being indoctrinated to a belief system to which you disagree? Do you want to be the hypocrite next to them? Do you Really want a community in Tennessee to judge how you take care of people in the "fold".

 

Get away, get away, get away!!!

 

Wish Miss Wal Mart well and let it go.

 

For gosh sakes, do not have sex one more time with her. Lest you have a baby mart, born into the fold and prays baby jesbus, another sucker is born.

 

This is your crossroads.

[TX-SC]

My wife is an atheist and I am Christian, though not a "traditional" Christian. She and I have been married for 20 great years. Neither of us tries to convert the other. I personally do not believe in proselytizing children, so my children are raised to respect all beliefs but are not immersed in any belief. When they are older, they can choose any belief, including atheism, as long as it is not radical, and I will support them. If you can work out such a thing with your ex, then you should be okay.

 

My wife and I married when I was 26 and she was 21. Certainly neither of us was too immature. You have to take that on a case by case basis.

 

In my estimation, you and your ex are simply too far apart in life now for this to work. Physical distance and various other factors are working against you. You would be well suited to put this one behind you.

[Mr. Lucky]

:lmao::lmao:

Trustedthenbusted, I have no answer to that. if hypothetically all the women in the world were in front of me and I could choose any of them to spend the rest of my life with I would choose her.. :o not because she is the sexiest or the wisest I don't even know why, i just loose all my logic when it comes to her.

 

It's easy and flip to say love conquers all.

 

I married once for love/attraction and once for affection/compatibility. Guess which one endured ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[OldRover]

There are like 7 billion people in the world. Why do so many of us seem to get so hung up on just one?

 

For MANY reasons... first, you don't have that much time to visit a ton of women, and it really takes a few years to really get to know one, and if you love that person and you click, you'll work hard to make it work.... and most do. And you can find it really takes time to meet than one person.

[qubist]

For MANY reasons... first, you don't have that much time to visit a ton of women, and it really takes a few years to really get to know one, and if you love that person and you click, you'll work hard to make it work.... and most do. And you can find it really takes time to meet than one person.

That was my thought too, but I realized after multiple therapy session and educating myself about human behavior. that lack of self esteem could have a weigh in this to. In my case i want to make sure that I'm not seeing her as the only possible source of love. I don't want this to have any affect on my decision. same thing for her she had 3 failed dates, 2 of which were very short were over within 2 weeks the 3rd lasted about 6 months and ended an a devastating manner that made her loose confidence( you wouldn't believe the reason this racist SOB were dating her for make me want to die I don't want to share it to not offend anybody here) I don't want her to chose me just because I'm the only one she can afford to be with

[TrustedthenBusted]

For MANY reasons... first, you don't have that much time to visit a ton of women, and it really takes a few years to really get to know one, and if you love that person and you click, you'll work hard to make it work.... and most do. And you can find it really takes time to meet than one person.

 

Yeah. I get that. But I think we often have these self-limiting habits that keep our focus in the rear-view rather than the road ahead and all its possibilities.

[OldRover]

That was my thought too, but I realized after multiple therapy session and educating myself about human behavior. that lack of self esteem could have a weigh in this to. In my case i want to make sure that I'm not seeing her as the only possible source of love. I don't want this to have any affect on my decision. same thing for her she had 3 failed dates, 2 of which were very short were over within 2 weeks the 3rd lasted about 6 months and ended an a devastating manner that made her loose confidence( you wouldn't believe the reason this racist SOB were dating her for make me want to die I don't want to share it to not offend anybody here) I don't want her to chose me just because I'm the only one she can afford to be with

 

Qubist,

 

You make some good point, and there should not be an "only" choice, as there are options.

 

However, it still takes a LOT of time to get to know someone enough to be marriage or LTR material, and that's not gonna happen in a year or so.

 

Look at all your options, and weight them for the best result. You just can't go out and find a mate for live in a short time without significant risk.

[OldRover]

Yeah. I get that. But I think we often have these self-limiting habits that keep our focus in the rear-view rather than the road ahead and all its possibilities.

 

Trusted,

 

Yes, and we LEARN from the rear view mirror... as to what will really work. Not the perfect answer, but often a predictable answer.

 

So one needs to decide what's best for them.... and how "valuable" someone is that's great, otherwise a few faults. It the faults can be fixed, with a very promising future, that could be far better than starting over.

[qubist]

Qubist,

 

You make some good point, and there should not be an "only" choice, as there are options.

 

However, it still takes a LOT of time to get to know someone enough to be marriage or LTR material, and that's not gonna happen in a year or so.

 

Look at all your options, and weight them for the best result. You just can't go out and find a mate for live in a short time without significant risk.

Thanks again oldRover, I find myself hypocrite when I always advise people to consider all options while I'm limiting my choices to her. I've thinking about it last 2 days and found out that deep inside me I have already made the decision and just fighting all the obvious obstacles

[qubist]

My wife is an atheist and I am Christian, though not a "traditional" Christian. She and I have been married for 20 great years. Neither of us tries to convert the other. I personally do not believe in proselytizing children, so my children are raised to respect all beliefs but are not immersed in any belief. When they are older, they can choose any belief, including atheism, as long as it is not radical, and I will support them. If you can work out such a thing with your ex, then you should be okay.

 

My wife and I married when I was 26 and she was 21. Certainly neither of us was too immature. You have to take that on a case by case basis.

 

In my estimation, you and your ex are simply too far apart in life now for this to work. Physical distance and various other factors are working against you. You would be well suited to put this one behind you.

Wow we were also 26 and 21 years old when we married،!! What a coincidence!

I agree we are far apart from each other, but I have too much in my heart for her that I will feel bad if I just let her go now. I wish I had done that the day she contact me. Now she built new hope she loves be an her own cloud she already had 2 heart breaking experiences I'm afraid she would never recover

[qubist]

 

Funny how when you are just out of the funk she comes along (watch the movie 'Swingers'). Ex's have radar and can tell when you are moving on, and it is just that.

It is funny. I thought about it too. Was it just a coincidence that she would reappear in my life when I had just moved on?