Sorta Sexless. Weird Situation

[NovaBullet]

I've searched for other people with my issue, but its never exactly the same, so I figured I'd post for myself. This might be long, but I have to explain everything.

 

Once upon a time I got very, very angry at my long term boyfriend and married a stranger. I know that's insane, but we've been married for 8 years now so clearly it wasn't that insane. I got pregnant immediately and we have a 7 year old son.

 

From the very beginning the sex wasn't as satisfying as what I had been accustomed to. I told myself that everyone is different and that I would get used to it. It was the man I married, not his parts.

 

About six months into the marriage my husband would occasionally lose his erection during sex. It didn't happen often and I chalked it up to stress at work. The problem gradually worsened and soon my husband was partially losing his erection after a minute or so. I didn't say anything, but I thought that surely he must notice what's happening. Soon this happened with every sexual encounter.

 

I was still able to get some fulfillment sometimes, but not much. After a year I gently broached the subject and suggested he see a doctor. He did and got a prescription for Viagra. The Viagra worked two or three times and I was delighted. Soon, however, the same old erection issues cropped back up.

 

After another couple of years I brought it up again. He saw a doctor again. He got a massive bevy of tests--everything from his testosterone levels to STDs. Nothing wrong. I expected him to continue to pursue the problem, but he didn't. He just went right back to our sex life which was perfectly fine for him, tortuous for me.

 

Another year or so went by and I addressed the issue a third time. Again he went to the doctor, again he had more medical tests that found nothing wrong. Again he got a prescription that worked at first but soon failed. Again he fell into silence and the awful sex continued.

 

I should point out that during all this, my husband was the most loving and attentive partner you can imagine. We did other things than just intercourse, but none of them got me to the point I needed to be at. Still, sex was frequent and our relationship outside of sex was kind and loving.

 

Another year went by and my husband started to exhibit a brand new problem: premature ejaculation. I was stunned since I wasn't aware that this could pop up out of nowhere. Now all of the lovely foreplay that I needed to get anything out of sex wasn't an option anymore. If he was even the slightest bit worked up, sex would last less than 30 seconds.

 

He could drag it out somewhat if he did the stop/start method, but that ruined things for me. There was no possible way to get any satisfaction if he stops for 10 seconds every 2 or 3 seconds. It was extremely frustrating. I didn't want to make him feel bad, so on the nights I couldn't hold back the tears I would cry privately in the shower. I didn't understand why he didn't do something. He was an excellent husband. He clearly loved me very much and he wasn't avoiding sex out of shame like so many ED sufferers do. Our life outside the bedroom didn't suffer.

 

One night he told me that he knew I cried after sex and tried to hide it. He told me that it was okay to cry, he understood. That's when the bottom fell out for me. I couldn't believe that he knew what he was doing to me and yet kept doing it. He said he felt like it would get better because he was trying very hard. He bought toys and made an effort, but what I wanted wasn't toys. What I wanted was my husband.

 

I told him that what he needed to do was make an effort with the toys immediately after the sexual experience while I was still riled up--before the letdown brought the tears. He nodded yet tried only once. I grew depressed. You'd think that would cause me to pull away but no, I kept letting him have at it. By this point there was really no erection at all and it was over in seconds. I cried often afterward--right next to him in the bed. He would stare up at the ceiling or hold me and apologize, but the nightmare continued.

 

After six years I exploded. I spent an entire day in tears with him following me around in a panic wanting to know what was wrong. I finally told him. We talked for 10 hours. No, that's not right. It was more like me talking and him staring off into space and giving me one-word responses. What hurt me so much wasn't the lack of physical sex, but the fact that it didn't seem to matter to him that I was not satisfied and hadn't been for a long time. I know that some women are frustrated when their husbands with ED pull away sexually, but believe me, its a lot more insulting when they don't. It makes you feel as if your needs matter so little that your husband is willing to hurt you and make you cry just so he gets a little satisfaction. It's terrible.

 

I asked him for a separation. I didn't want to leave him, I just wanted to sleep with someone else. I felt like I would fall apart if I didn't. My whole world was going gray.

 

He agreed to the separation but moved back home after two days and behaved as if everything was fine. I was flabbergasted but said nothing. He promised me things would be different. He went to the doctor for more tests and more medication. It didn't work. Finally he suggested that we just not have sex. Like, ever.

 

I know that he is frustrated. I also know that he loves me. And if my husband had any sort of support system whatsoever, I would have left him a long time ago. He has a very intense attachment to me. He has no friends, no real relationships with his family, nothing. All he has is me, and that's the way he wants it. I am his entire world. He doesn't even really have a relationship with our son. I firmly believe that the little bit of time he spends with him he only does because he knows how much it bothers me that he could really care less about his kid.

 

But he dotes on me. He buys me things and brings me flowers and always wants to snuggle me on the couch and hold my hand. He'll talk to me nonstop for hours when even his mother told me he barely speaks. He's a different person with me. I believe with all my heart that if I leave him he will commit suicide. There is no doubt in my mind, and he has said as much.

 

So that's where I'm at. I have accepted the fact that this situation is never going to change. At first, I felt like it was very selfish of me to even consider leaving my marriage over sex, but I don't see other options. I have built up so much resentment for this man that I'm no longer interested in fixing things. I still behave lovingly on the surface so he has no idea.

 

I am very confused as to how he can clearly love me so much yet neglect me so bitterly for so long. It doesn't make sense. I know that I cannot leave because he has no one. I have been a housewife for 8 years and I'm petrified.

 

I guess I just wondered if anyone else out here has been through this or can make sense of what might be going on in my husband's head?

[Ronni_W]

NovaBullet,

I'm sorry...I may not be getting it. In fact, I'm pretty sure that I cannot be getting it. But, just for my own clarification: Are you saying that you are so inflexible and closed off to all the other ways to get off, sexually, that you absolutely must have your orgasms only through vaginal-penile penetration? And that there is just nothing else at all, that does anything enough for you, to bring you to where you want go and need to be, sexually?

[NovaBullet]

I'm not opposed to those things at all. I assumed that his natural inclination would be toward doing something else, but it isn't. I've talked to him about that and still...nothing. I'd like to think it was just me failing on the communication end, but I don't see how much more clear I could have been. There is definitely resentment there over communicating my needs plainly and having them ignored.

 

Although that's still a temporary fix to a permanent problem. Its very scary to imagine living the rest of my life having to resort to only alternate forms of sexual activity. I can't beat myself up for wanting actual sex every now and then.