velvette Posted July 12, 2015 Share Posted July 12, 2015 BadKarma may a lengthy post regarding revenge against his wayward spouse. I believe that makes him a BH who had exacted revenge on a WW. I did not view it as off topic because it focuses on revenge. There was no mention that the revenge had to be a specific type of revenge. As with BadKarma, there are betrayed spouses who feel it is a necessity to get revenge on the wayward. The opening post of the person who started the thread is very clear. It addresses revenge against BS or OW/OM. Revenge against your own wandering spouse is not included in the topic. Link to post Share on other sites
velvette Posted July 12, 2015 Share Posted July 12, 2015 Actually I know of no people who have said this. And certainly not on this forum. I suspect it's rubbish or the person had other serious issues, unrelated to infidelity. Why the "chew on that" comment, as if it's a "so there, take that". I've never heard that here or any other forum either. I have heard someone say the pain they felt from their spouse cheating was worse than the pain they felt when they lost their child. Hard to grasp except that they are two different kinds of pain. Still and all I don't think anyone could fairly challenge that unless they had also experienced both things. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Noirek Posted July 12, 2015 Share Posted July 12, 2015 The opening post of the person who started the thread is very clear. It addresses revenge against BS or OW/OM. Revenge against your own wandering spouse is not included in the topic. THe OP accidentally used BS instead of WS. a common mistake. Most people knew that. IT was I believe later clarified. There is no revenge against BS. HE is the BS and is curious because he wants revenge. it wouldn't make sense for him to mention BS. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Susmay Posted July 12, 2015 Share Posted July 12, 2015 THe OP accidentally used BS instead of WS. a common mistake. Most people knew that. IT was I believe later clarified. There is no revenge against BS. HE is the BS and is curious because he wants revenge. it wouldn't make sense for him to mention BS. The original poster was Regret143 and his most recent post was the first post in this thread. In other words he hasn't come back to clarify that he meant the WS at all. Whatever makes people say that Regret143 posted later to clarify he meant the WS not the BS? It's rubbish, because he didn't! Maybe he did mean something different but it wasn't obvious at all. Some people must have just assumed... Link to post Share on other sites
velvette Posted July 12, 2015 Share Posted July 12, 2015 THe OP accidentally used BS instead of WS. a common mistake. Most people knew that. IT was I believe later clarified. There is no revenge against BS. HE is the BS and is curious because he wants revenge. it wouldn't make sense for him to mention BS. Autumn said there was a clarifying post, but there was not. The OP made one post. Don't know how you can assume he intended to say WS. Maybe he is just looking for revenge ideas in general. Unless the OP comes back and changes his post that's the topic. Link to post Share on other sites
Susmay Posted July 12, 2015 Share Posted July 12, 2015 The original poster was Regret143 and his most recent post was the first post in this thread. In other words he hasn't come back to clarify that he meant the WS at all. Whatever makes people say that Regret143 posted later to clarify he meant the WS not the BS? It's rubbish, because he didn't! Maybe he did mean something different but it wasn't obvious at all. Some people must have just assumed... I tried to edit to add: Most people have focussed on the second part of his question anyway which was about revenge on the OW/OM Link to post Share on other sites
AnotherSadSong Posted July 12, 2015 Share Posted July 12, 2015 THe OP accidentally used BS instead of WS. a common mistake. Most people knew that. IT was I believe later clarified. There is no revenge against BS. HE is the BS and is curious because he wants revenge. it wouldn't make sense for him to mention BS. Hillary Clinton: What difference does it make? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
velvette Posted July 12, 2015 Share Posted July 12, 2015 Well, back to the topic as posted. I think its rather amazing that so many OW are surprised or indignant that consequences or revenge may come their way from the BS when they sleep with someone else's husband. Reminds me of my H OW. When she kept trying to contact my H, I called her H to let him know she was still calling. She went ballistic. The first thing she said to me before she started threatening me with all kinds of ridiculous stuff was "How dare you talk to my husband?" Really? You can sleep with mine, but I cant talk to yours. Too funny. I laughed about that for days. She had far more rage at me over me calling her H than I ever had at her about her sleeping with mine. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted July 12, 2015 Share Posted July 12, 2015 THe OP accidentally used BS instead of WS. a common mistake. Most people knew that. IT was I believe later clarified. There is no revenge against BS. HE is the BS and is curious because he wants revenge. it wouldn't make sense for him to mention BS. [quote=velvette;6428583 If they happen, the other spouse has no choice but to accept it and either forgive or move on same as any other affair. The other spouse DOES have a choice and can/have decided to end the marriage following a RA. I feel it really is the height of hypocrisy though. Conducting an affair, but finding that same behaviour unacceptable. There have been some WSs that actually admitted to their BS, if they were cheated on they wouldn't reconcile. If I personally heard that as a BS , I'd file for D immediately. Some BSs have openly told their WS that they are going to have sex with someone else after the affair, not so much a revenge affair but a ONS. They've said it would make them feel better. If I was a WS I'd give them a free pass for that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted July 12, 2015 Share Posted July 12, 2015 I've never heard that here or any other forum either. I have heard someone say the pain they felt from their spouse cheating was worse than the pain they felt when they lost their child. Hard to grasp except that they are two different kinds of pain. Still and all I don't think anyone could fairly challenge that unless they had also experienced both things. This makes sense. That and the fact that pain is personal. I think it is when someone says that the pain of infidelity should be worse than the death of a child to EVERYONE ELSE that is becomes a bit ridiculous. You can't quantify pain. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
World's.Edge Posted July 12, 2015 Share Posted July 12, 2015 It is late and thought I was done with this thread, but have been dying to ask this. Many of you believe in revenge in any format unless it is murder. I think we have all gotten along for a minute about that. So you must have an understanding if a BS turns around and exacts revenge on her spouse and has a multitude of revenge affairs to watch him suffer. Would I be correct in thinking this? I am not normaly supportive of revenge affairs, like any affair I feel that it is wrong and harmful. I would much rather end the relationship and move on with my life. That being said, there are situations in which a revenge affair is understandable, where the wayward spouse is a serial adulterer, unremorseful, unrepentant, doesn't care or just doesn't get it. The following thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/339602-revenge-affair-what-did-me .. illustrates such a situation. My friend was with someone until a few years ago. About a year into the relationship, she cheated on him while on holiday on a tropical island with her family. I think a year or two after that he began to cheat on her, like a lot. And it's like every girl he cheated with was one of the most beautiful people you've ever met. It put a strain on our friendship because I had huge issues with it, there were even periods where we didn't talk to each other. It turned their relationship from one of the most inspiring relationships I'd known to something ugly. They remained together for about eight years, think I smiled when he told me it was over. I know in his mind her cheating on him "started it", it festered within him and eventually he used and twisted that to justify and rationalize his behaviour. It's understandable because that's the kind of s*** the betrayed goes through. I know many wayard spouses and other men and women don't get this but infidelity can be traumatic, and like any trauma it takes years to work. Also, this other girl I was kind of familiar with had an affair for a few months with someone who was also married. Her relationship at the time of the affair was good, according to her. She had the affair because it was exciting. Her husband found out through texts on her cell. She limited or cut off all contact with her friends so that her husband wouldn't have to worry and he had access to her passwords and accounts. A few years later she finds out that he started an affair with her sister that had been going on for about three months. I understand why someone would come to do such an action but wouldn't support or condone it. If someone is to engage in a revenge affair then at least also be honest about it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Noirek Posted July 12, 2015 Share Posted July 12, 2015 Autumn said there was a clarifying post, but there was not. The OP made one post. Don't know how you can assume he intended to say WS. Maybe he is just looking for revenge ideas in general. Unless the OP comes back and changes his post that's the topic. Why would a BS ask about exacting revenge against himself? It is pretty obvious he meant WS. So it is not off topic for people to mention it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted July 12, 2015 Share Posted July 12, 2015 Why would a BS ask about exacting revenge against himself? It is pretty obvious he meant WS. So it is not off topic for people to mention it. No, I think Noirek is right. I did the exact same thing a month ago. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/530837-bs-shame-revelation-terror-6.html#post6351258 From Post #1 to #83, I was referring to WH as BH and may still be doing it. Everybody was very nice about it when I realized it and just said "they knew." Of course, I didn't disappear after the first post either. Link to post Share on other sites
katielee Posted July 12, 2015 Share Posted July 12, 2015 I'll never understand how betraying your own values simply to priove a point to your WS makes sense. Is it really healthy that another person has that much power over your own action and values? I can understand my husbands RA, but don't condone it. He hurt himself most of all by doing that. Why introduce MORE pain to heal from ? Link to post Share on other sites
badkarma2013 Posted July 12, 2015 Share Posted July 12, 2015 So if someone has cheated then they have no value to you. Negative....If you are trying to tell me how to raise child for example...and you are NOT a parent...you are not qualified to give me advice... If you have never been betrayed by a Spouse...DO NOT TELL ME SH%T about about what you think or how you think anyone Betrayed should handle the event....Badkarma2013 Link to post Share on other sites
AnotherSadSong Posted July 12, 2015 Share Posted July 12, 2015 Negative....If you are trying to tell me how to raise child for example...and you are NOT a parent...you are not qualified to give me advice... If you have never been betrayed by a Spouse...DO NOT TELL ME SH%T about about what you think or how you think anyone Betrayed should handle the event....Badkarma2013 Fair enough BadKarma, but there are many BS telling APs how they should feel, what they should have done or not done and they were never an AP. I think the same advice should be forwarded and positioned. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
badkarma2013 Posted July 12, 2015 Share Posted July 12, 2015 Fair enough BadKarma, but there are many BS telling APs how they should feel, what they should have done or not done and they were never an AP. I think the same advice should be forwarded and positioned. I agree ......no question.... I again will use this analogy ..."If you have never been to Beirut in a time of war...do not ever give me an opinion on what you thought it was like..."...Badkarma32013 Link to post Share on other sites
Noirek Posted July 12, 2015 Share Posted July 12, 2015 (edited) Negative....If you are trying to tell me how to raise child for example...and you are NOT a parent...you are not qualified to give me advice... If you have never been betrayed by a Spouse...DO NOT TELL ME SH%T about about what you think or how you think anyone Betrayed should handle the event....Badkarma2013 Except, what if said parenting method is to yell and scream at your kids. Or lock them in a room when they are bad. Or ignore them. Do people who have no parenting experience have nothing of value to say then? Edited July 12, 2015 by Noirek 2 Link to post Share on other sites
badkarma2013 Posted July 12, 2015 Share Posted July 12, 2015 Except, what if said parenting method is to yell and scream at your kids. Or lock them in a room when they are bad. Or ignore them. Do people who have no parenting experience have nothing of value to say then? With the exception of case of stark abuse or blatant neglect...(which imo is saving an innocent human being..)...No not much... Link to post Share on other sites
AnotherSadSong Posted July 12, 2015 Share Posted July 12, 2015 With the exception of case of stark abuse or blatant neglect...(which imo is saving an innocent human being..)...No not much... You handle yourself well with the hard time given to you here, Badkarma. Anyways, I do highly respect you for leaving the marriage. I couldn't stay. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Noirek Posted July 12, 2015 Share Posted July 12, 2015 With the exception of case of stark abuse or blatant neglect...(which imo is saving an innocent human being..)...No not much... Fair enough. I know for myself I see what is said, not who said it. A person I don't like can make a profound statement. I'm not going to disagree with them on it merely because of my prejudice. And while I don't think anyone can tell someone what to feel. It isn't much of a stretch for people to share what they think of certain behaviour. You won't care, because you think of me as having no value (and opinion I have of myself and I am trying to change) but besides the suing which I rarely agree with, I can't see anything you did as really out there. And suing is really a cultural thing. I find it crazy you won but people win frivolous lawsuits all the time. Other revenge apologetics have given situations that show actions to make the person go away not really revenge being the motive (more just a side perk) When seeking revenge, my advice (worth nothing to most) is to stop and think about everyone this will hurt. And don't justify and negate responsibility for hurting others. and of course avoid anything illegal. No AP or WS is worth going to jail for. Link to post Share on other sites
Horton Posted July 12, 2015 Share Posted July 12, 2015 I never realized so many OW believe it's the BW's job to keep her dirty laundry from being aired. I mean it's one thing to oppose violence against the OW or vandalism of the OW's property which are criminal acts, but the level of entitlement one would have to possess to think the woman whose husband you cheated with is honor bound to keep your affair under wraps for your benefit is really on another level. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Noirek Posted July 12, 2015 Share Posted July 12, 2015 I never realized so many OW believe it's the BW's job to keep her dirty laundry from being aired. I mean it's one thing to oppose violence against the OW or vandalism of the OW's property which are criminal acts, but the level of entitlement one would have to possess to think the woman whose husband you cheated with is honor bound to keep your affair under wraps for your benefit is really on another level. There is a balance for many people between keeping an affair under wraps and blasting it to the world. Posting the dirty laundry on facebook. Barging into the place of work (entirely different when it is a co worker affair). There is a difference between informing the OBS and allowing them to handle their spouse and informing parents or children. There is a difference between sharing it with friend if it is a friend circle or family if it is family and going out of your way when you don't know the person and telling her friends. And there is a difference between selective exposure and taking out an ad in the paper. There is a difference between actions to make the AP go away and going out of your way to research them and destroy them. Maybe not to some, but most people can see the difference between extremes. Link to post Share on other sites
badkarma2013 Posted July 12, 2015 Share Posted July 12, 2015 "When seeking revenge, my advice (worth nothing to most) is to stop and think about everyone this will hurt. And don't justify and negate responsibility for hurting others. and of course avoid anything illegal. No AP or WS is worth going to jail for'. You are correct...I thought about anyone and anything associated with her Affair...including the OM...his family..her coworkers who lied to me for her..and our friends ..some who knew about her A....ETC... I then took great pains and expense and did my damnedest to Rain napalm into their lives...and i did... With re: to the comment my EXWW made at the final hearing..." You have left nothing but ashes.." I agreed with her...as that was my sole intent....Badkarma2013 Link to post Share on other sites
Noirek Posted July 12, 2015 Share Posted July 12, 2015 You are correct...I thought about anyone and anything associated with her Affair...including the OM...his family..her coworkers who lied to me for her..and our friends ..some who knew about her A....ETC... I then took great pains and expense and did my damnedest to Rain napalm into their lives...and i did... With re: to the comment my EXWW made at the final hearing..." You have left nothing but ashes.." I agreed with her...as that was my sole intent....Badkarma2013 And are you happy now? Did it erase the pain? Did anyone innocent get hurt in your crossfire? Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts