Revenge [pertaining to infidelity]

[autumnnight]

Personal responsibility would be not putting your employment or your child's well being at risk by having an affair that risks those consequence's in the first place.

 

I agree that Affairs have consequences. But how far does the "if you don't want b don't do a" go?

 

How far back do we take it? If you don't want your spouse to find someone else, don't treat your marriage like a non-entity? If you don't want to have a crappy spouse, don;t marry the wrong person? If you don't want to marry the wrong person don't date? How far back do we go?

 

All actions have ramifications and consequences. The consequences of ignoring red flags during dating might be marrying someone who doesn't actually love you, doesn't want to actually be.have a spouse, etc. The consequences of ignoring, mistreating, refusing to touch, refusing to care for your spouse might be that said spouse becomes vulnerable. Having an A is ALWAYS the wrong decision. ALWAYS.

 

But if extreme revenge-seeking can be "mitigated" because the spouse was hurt by an A,. can an A be mitigated because a spouse was hurt by years of neglect/abuse? Can years or neglect/abuse be mitigated because the spouse should not have ignored the red flags?

 

I believe in exposure by the BS. I believe in demands for transparency and amends by the BS. I believe in humility and repentance from the WS. I believe in demanding the AP back the heck off...permanently. I believe in garnering support of friends/family for healing, help, and yes, accountability. I believe an affairing couple who used work resources and whose jobs were affected by the A should lose their jobs. I believe 2 affairing teachers should be exposed to administration. I believe a pastor who cheats with a church member should be exposed and let go from his church. I believe if a WS has tangibly and legally neglected/abused their children in the commission of an A (for example, they left their 5 year old home along to go boink the OM), that should be reported. Honestly, I don't think an affairing spouse should get a dime of alimony in a dovirce.

 

Beyond that, I think it gets very grey, and whether people want to admit it or not, the law will not look as kindly at the guy on the next floor who heard about an A between 2 people he doesn't taking action as they will the betrayed spouse taking action.

 

If there is anyone who has an actual right to take vengeance, it is the one who is actually cheated on.

[Noirek]

Personal responsibility would be not putting your employment or your child's well being at risk by having an affair that risks those consequence's in the first place.

 

And nobody has denied that. But one person's actions don't cancel out anothers. And yes, we all have our own defintions of what is wrong. Like only if it is illegal it wrong. Personally, i think cheating or being involved with a married person is wrong, but not everyone agrees with thAt and where I live it isn't illegal.

[autumnnight]

And nobody has denied that. But one person's actions don't cancel out anothers. And yes, we all have our own defintions of what is wrong. Like only if it is illegal it wrong. Personally, i think cheating or being involved with a married person is wrong, but not everyone agrees with thAt and where I live it isn't illegal.

 

And the law can be tricky. For example, badkarma could have shouted to the rooftops with a megaphone the details of his WW's affair, and though the police might have told him to stop distrubing the peace, he had pretty solid legal ground.

 

If Bob Jones from San Jose had decided to share with the world badkarma's WW's A....depending on the means, the mode, and any prior threats....Bob Jones might have a problem.

 

I could have really REALLY messed up the life of the person who cheated on me in a big way. I decided not to because we were not married and honestly, I just didn't want to bother because it would have just kept me in angst with a person I had not built a life with. But I don't regret the really bad names I called him

[Lois_Griffin]

Personal responsibility would be not putting your employment or your child's well being at risk by having an affair that risks those consequence's in the first place.

There's A LOT to be said for this statement.

 

Anyone entering into an affair KNOWS that they're putting their children's familial security at risk. Discovery of the affair could lead t a divorce which means the breakup of the family unit as the child knows it.

 

And yet, all these married people are STILL putting their kid's security right on the line for that one or two hours of escape they get from their affair partners.

 

Every single day they lie to their spouse's face. They lie to their children's faces. They lie to their coworkers and friends and relatives on a regular basis, all to hide their secret lives. They take time away from the family while the non-cheating spouse is left home to raise the kids and keep the home fires burning, and they put their spouse at risk for STDs. They risk the very fabric of their betrayed spouse's emotional and mental well-being. They risk the emotional and financial futures of their spouses, and they risk losing the respect of every single person they know and love.

 

Yet they do it anyway. They throw EVERYTHING on the craps table and throw the dice, gambling it all for their own selfish gain.

 

If these people can play so fast and loose with the literal lives and well-being of those they've promised to love and cherish, is it really THAT big of a surprise when the ones who were devastated lash out in hurt and frustration at those who have literally turned their lives upside down?

 

I mean, really?

[autumnnight]

If these people can play so fast and loose with the literal lives and well-being of those they've promised to love and cherish, is it really THAT big of a surprise or when the ones who were devastated lash out in hurt and frustration at those who have literally turned their lives upside down?

 

No it really isn't.

[Noirek]

Shouting it from the rooftops....

 

The first rule to ending an Affair is to expose it to all....

 

Example...The Affair.is no fun when the OMs Wife is now suing him for Divorce...

 

Affairs cannot live in the light....

 

noceret mihi i vobis nocebit....Badkarma2013

 

But who cares about ending the affair if you don't want to reconcile? And in the case of the little 14 year old being picked on how did shouting it from the rooftops help her? Or is she unimportant because she was the daughter of an OW who should have known better? Yeah, she was wrong to sleep with a married person. But the BW was wrong in what she did. The OW and the little girl lived in another town. The OW went away as asked. But that wasn't good enough for that BW. The irony of the situation was the WH stopped R when she did what she did. And ended up with the OW. And now the OW is stepmom to the kids and they have them for holidays!

 

(She went to a sporting event and made sure people knew the OW had been involved with her husband. She posted on one of those gossip fb sites for the town the OW lived in. Some teenagers saw it either there or heard through their parents but whatever the case they called this girl names and razzed her about her mother. But in many people's minds it was all the mom's fault and that BW did what was right)

[AnotherSadSong]

There's A LOT to be said for this statement.

 

Anyone entering into an affair KNOWS that they're putting their children's familial security at risk. Discovery of the affair could lead t a divorce which means the breakup of the family unit as the child knows it.

 

And yet, all these married people are STILL putting their kid's security right on the line for that one or two hours of escape they get from their affair partners.

 

Every single day they lie to their spouse's face. They lie to their children's faces. They lie to their coworkers and friends and relatives on a regular basis, all to hide their secret lives. They take time away from the family while the non-cheating spouse is left home to raise the kids and keep the home fires burning, and they put their spouse at risk for STDs. They risk the very fabric of their betrayed spouse's emotional and mental well-being. They risk the emotional and financial futures of their spouses, and they risk losing the respect of every single person they know and love.

 

Yet they do it anyway. They throw EVERYTHING on the craps table and throw the dice, gambling it all for their own selfish gain.

 

If these people can play so fast and loose with the literal lives and well-being of those they've promised to love and cherish, is it really THAT big of a surprise when the ones who were devastated lash out in hurt and frustration at those who have literally turned their lives upside down?

 

I mean, really?

 

 

 

No, it is not surprising. The general audience loves the capturing and filming of the bad guy wayward spouse having a large building collapse on him. The audience cheers. It is rarely anything happening to the OW that causes such an uproar of delight and claps, but for the wayward, yes, for making the decision to do all which you explained above.

[xxoo]

You know, I was thinking about this...

 

When someone is betrayed, there are 3 big emotiions that can come to the forefront:

 

Hurt - I mean the person they love has betrayed them with someone else. Vows and promises broken. Mind movies....the hurt is excruciating

 

Anger - again, the ultimate betrayal. How dare he/she? And the person who helped them do it...don't they have any respect for marriage??? The anger is almost blindingly white hot

 

Fear - their life as they know it is threatened. Even if they are angry angry at the WS and want to smack them six ways from Sunday - the WS is still part of the life they have known, their FAMILY, the parent of their children. And this A (along with the AP) is a threat to that well-being, that life, that security, you name it.

 

When a person A puts person B in a place where the trifecta of hurt, anger, and fear meet....person had better batton down the hatches. I'm not saying illegal or violent or irrational behavior is always justified....but if you don't want to see what a hurt/anger/terrified person will do when the fight instinct kicks in...don't set that instinct in motion.

 

If I were in a position where I had been terribly hurt/broken down, I was angry and desperate, and I was afraid my life was about to crumble...I can;t really say what I would do either.

 

Exactly.

 

Revenge is bad behavior brought on by emotion (although I don't know if mere exposure of behavior qualifies as revenge).

 

Sleeping with a married person is unprovoked bad behavior, brought on by temptation. OW/OM, of all people, should understand how overwhelming feelings can be, and how much they drive behavior. If you cannot control your own behavior and do the right thing despite temptation, how do you expect another to control their own behavior in the face of overpowering fear and hurt?

[Horton]

The affair person isn't being wronged. The adult children, parents, coworkers and people forced to witness a drama they had no part of are being wronged. How hard is it to see that? The children whose parent is now unemployed. Or maybe their friends have found out at school and are being picked on. I actually witness that first hand because the BS went out of her way to inform people that it was really none of their business. As a result of that the child of the OW became a victim of bullying at school. Yeah, the parents shouldn't have been involved. But you know what. That doesn't make what the BW did okay. She had a lot of power and she used that power wrongly and it resulted in a 14 year old girl being hurt. Personal responsibility be hanged.

 

So for the sake of argument if some stranger assaults you you're gonna keep it to yourself right? I mean you wouldn't wanna cause his parents any embarrassment. What if your attacker has a kid and they get mocked in school after his classmates find out his dad's a woman beater. What if he loses his job when his sins have been revealed and his family goes hungry because of it. Isn't the welfare of his innocent children more important than you're wounded pride over a couple of broken ribs. (end of sarcasm)

 

Do you really not see the absurdity of expecting the victim of an offense to bear the burden of keeping it all to themself solely for the prevention of any collateral damage that could potentially take place. What you refuse to acknowledge is that the responsibility for any collateral damage due to exposure rests solely on the shoulders of the ones who committed the transgression not on the person who has exposed their illicit behavior to the light of day. It is not my responsibility to conceal your sins for you.

[autumnnight]

Exactly.

 

Revenge is bad behavior brought on by emotion (although I don't know if mere exposure of behavior qualifies as revenge).

 

Sleeping with a married person is unprovoked bad behavior, brought on by temptation. OW/OM, of all people, should understand how overwhelming feelings can be, and how much they drive behavior. If you cannot control your own behavior and do the right thing despite temptation, how do you expect another to control their own behavior in the face of overpowering fear and hurt?

 

There are many things that can drive a person to the brink of hurt, anger, despair, and fear. And when your actions have helped to drive that person to that brink, you can't be surprised if it backfires. When the cease and desist letter or the restraining order or the civil suit or criminal suit is dropped at your door...you can;t whine. You knew it was possible. Just like when your boss calls you into his office and says, "Joe's wife sent me a letter saying you and Joe have been having an affair on company time. Care to explain?" Or your sister calls you and says, "Joe called me crying last night, telling me you were cheating??? What are you thinking?!?" Or "Daddy told me I can't be friends with Steve anymore because you and Steve's daddy are acting like boyfriend and girlfriends and that's wrong."

 

When we choose to do something we KNOW will negatively affect another person....

[Tayla]

vengeance- an eye for an eye. Thought civilized persons had transcended that archaic method. an eye for an eye makes both blind. So it goes.

 

The truth though of the affair does deserve being revealed. Lets not shoot the messenger .

[Noirek]

So for the sake of argument if some stranger assaults you you're gonna keep it to yourself right? I mean you wouldn't wanna cause his parents any embarrassment. What if your attacker has a kid and they get mocked in school after his classmates find out his dad's a woman beater. What if he loses his job when his sins have been revealed and his family goes hungry because of it. Isn't the welfare of his innocent children more important than you're wounded pride over a couple of broken ribs. (end of sarcasm)

 

Do you really not see the absurdity of expecting the victim of an offense to bear the burden of keeping it all to themself solely for the prevention of any collateral damage that could potentially take place. What you refuse to acknowledge is that the responsibility for any collateral damage due to exposure rests solely on the shoulders of the ones who committed the transgression not on the person who has exposed their illicit behavior to the light of day. It is not my responsibility to conceal your sins for you.

 

Where is the reading comprehension? Good god. If i was assualted I would go to the police. I would not go to the adult children of my assualted and tell them about it. And I am not against exposure. But Within reason. Not this shotgun approach or outside of relative realms.

[autumnnight]

It is not my responsibility to conceal your sins for you.

 

This is absolutely true of the betrayed spouse. The betrayed spouse has every right to expose the behavior of the people that betrayed them.

[AnotherSadSong]

Exactly.

 

Revenge is bad behavior brought on by emotion (although I don't know if mere exposure of behavior qualifies as revenge).

 

Sleeping with a married person is unprovoked bad behavior, brought on by temptation. OW/OM, of all people, should understand how overwhelming feelings can be, and how much they drive behavior. If you cannot control your own behavior and do the right thing despite temptation, how do you expect another to control their own behavior in the face of overpowering fear and hurt?

 

This is true. Emotion does cause people to do things they normally would not do. In the news, it has become quite apparent severe bullying has consequences and the revenge may be the bullied coming to the school for the revenge of a his lifetime and they do often take full responsibility by taking their own life as well. You are right it is understandable why they do it, even though it may be wrong to others. If they were brought up better maybe they would never have become a bully.

[Noirek]

vengeance- an eye for an eye. Thought civilized persons had transcended that archaic method. an eye for an eye makes both blind. So it goes.

 

The truth though of the affair does deserve being revealed. Lets not shoot the messenger .

 

For sure. And I have encouraged people not to keep such a secret as it is unhealthy. But people seem to be fine with extremes. Like if you say annoucing it at the OW's place of employement (when it was not a work based affair) is going too far you must mean telling anyone is wrong. When you say keeping it off facebook is tactful you must mean you can tell no one. There is a middle ground for many people.

[Noirek]

This is true. Emotion does cause people to do things they normally would not do. In the news, it has become quite apparent severe bullying has consequences and the revenge may be the bullied coming to the school for the revenge of a his lifetime and they do often take full responsibility by taking their own life as well. You are right it is understandable why they do it, even though it may be wrong to others. If they were brought up better maybe they would never have become a bully.

 

Yes, and understanding something is completely different from supporting or encouraging something.

[Poutrew]

vengeance- an eye for an eye. Thought civilized persons had transcended that archaic method. an eye for an eye makes both blind. So it goes.

 

The truth though of the affair does deserve being revealed. Lets not shoot the messenger .

 

 

Actually, you'd still have one good eye, so technically all you'd be is 3D challenged

 

Now, if it was 'A pancreas for a pancreas', then you'd be in real trouble...

[autumnnight]

Actually, you'd still have one good eye, so technically all you'd be is 3D challenged

 

Now, if it was 'A pancreas for a pancreas', then you'd be in real trouble...

 

And you could always wear a cool pirate eye patch.

 

I have to wonder, if more people sat with and supported a BS is his/her pain instead of scolding him/her for the natural desire to get even, might the BS be less inclined to lash out? If an AP would respond by going away when asked instead of harrassing the BS or continuing to try to woo the WS, might that alleviate the risk? If the WS would humbly own their crappy choice and either work to change or bow out of the marriage, might that be better than continuing to hurt the BS?

 

I think of some of the stories on this thread. If those who participated in the cheating had showed some compassion, restraint, and change after D-Day, they might not have had revenge exacted at all.

[AnotherSadSong]

Actually, you'd still have one good eye, so technically all you'd be is 3D challenged

 

Now, if it was 'A pancreas for a pancreas', then you'd be in real trouble...

 

Of course, but on this thread it is 2 eyes, a pancreas, and then the little piggy went for all four fingers, for an eye.

[xxoo]

There are many things that can drive a person to the brink of hurt, anger, despair, and fear. And when your actions have helped to drive that person to that brink, you can't be surprised if it backfires. When the cease and desist letter or the restraining order or the civil suit or criminal suit is dropped at your door...you can;t whine. You knew it was possible. Just like when your boss calls you into his office and says, "Joe's wife sent me a letter saying you and Joe have been having an affair on company time. Care to explain?" Or your sister calls you and says, "Joe called me crying last night, telling me you were cheating??? What are you thinking?!?" Or "Daddy told me I can't be friends with Steve anymore because you and Steve's daddy are acting like boyfriend and girlfriends and that's wrong."

 

When we choose to do something we KNOW will negatively affect another person....

 

Right. Being an adult means facing the consequences of your actions.

 

participation in an affair is often wrong, and has consequences.

 

Similarly, revenge is often wrong, and has consequences.

 

What I don't understand is participating in and justifying the former, and then being shocked about and condemning the latter.

 

It would make more sense to be shocked and outraged at the suggestion of paticipating in an affair, but we know how strong temptation can be.

[autumnnight]

Of course, but on this thread it is 2 eyes, a pancreas, and then the little piggy went for all four fingers, for an eye.

 

I'm not sure. I would bet being betrayed in your most intimate relationship is just a tad more painful than someone being embarrassed at work.

[World's.Edge]

You know, I was thinking about this...

 

When someone is betrayed, there are 3 big emotiions that can come to the forefront..

 

 

I'm not attacking this post in anyway but it is wholly understated.

 

Unless you've experienced infidelity, you just can't know what it's like and what the betrayed goes through.

 

One can imagine what it's like the same way I can imagine what childbirth, being set on fire or fighting in a war is like but my imagining is nowhere near the experience.

 

There are no three big emotions that come to the forefront, I can't even list all the stuff one goes through: the pain, the torment, anxiety, depression, blind rage, emotional pain, hyper vigilance, mental anguish, sadness, physical pain, loss of appetite, desperation, and being overwhelmed by a flood of emotions, just to name a few.

 

Someone I know whose occupation sometimes involves addressing large crowds suffered a panic attack on stage shortly after discovering her husband's affair. She triggered on stage and was inconsolable.

 

Not everyone's experience is the same but infidelity is a monster unto itself.

[AnotherSadSong]

I'm not sure. I would bet being betrayed in your most intimate relationship is just a tad more painful than someone being embarrassed at work.

 

 

 

It is understandable but when it gets to be entering unrelated spheres than the tables often are turned and the revenge reverses...a never ending cycle until all worlds blow up.

[velvette]

The affair person isn't being wronged. The adult children, parents, coworkers and people forced to witness a drama they had no part of are being wronged. How hard is it to see that? The children whose parent is now unemployed. Or maybe their friends have found out at school and are being picked on. I actually witness that first hand because the BS went out of her way to inform people that it was really none of their business. As a result of that the child of the OW became a victim of bullying at school. Yeah, the parents shouldn't have been involved. But you know what. That doesn't make what the BW did okay. She had a lot of power and she used that power wrongly and it resulted in a 14 year old girl being hurt. Personal responsibility be hanged.

 

 

Why was it none of their business? I wouldn't want my child hanging out with a child or in the home of someone engaged in an affair. Same as I wouldn't want them hanging out anywhere else where questionable behavior was going on like drug use, excessive drinking etc. Maybe the parents who were informed appreciated knowing what kind of person the OW was. The BS is not responsible for other parents who allowed their children to be bullies.

[Noirek]

Why was it none of their business? I wouldn't want my child hanging out with a child or in the home of someone engaged in an affair. Same as I wouldn't want them hanging out anywhere else where questionable behavior was going on like drug use, excessive drinking etc. Maybe the parents who were informed appreciated knowing what kind of person the OW was. The BS is not responsible for other parents who allowed their children to be bullies.

 

Really, read my second post where I gave the story. She was no longer involved in an affair. People really do care so little about others. It isn't just the AP and WS with that ability.