Revenge [pertaining to infidelity]

[xxoo]

Exactly, my point is you have A MOW and A MOM as affair partners, BOTH of their betrayed spouses (going by the argument not my personal beliefs on revenge), should understandably accept the same fate, meaning the MM cannot be all safe tucked away reconciling. He should accept he too may get a revenge lashing from the betrayed husband of his OW. His BS should (I would think) accept her husband's punishment as well.

 

The BS is an innocent victim of the spouse's consequences, as are the children. They have a right to be outraged.

 

Doesn't mean the WS doesn't have it coming. Affairs suck.

[velvette]

I did not mean it literally, but in the sense Daddy is no different then OW in moral and stature.

 

I wouldn't see the need to compare my H and the OW to children in order to tell them his behavior was wrong.

 

 

But, I don't agree with you that the cheater and the other are always the same in moral stature. They share the same flaws with regard to being in an A, but there are lots of other things that make up moral stature.

 

 

My H definitely affaired down when it came to even his on deficient moral stature.

[sandylee1]

Mature and stable parents would do anything to protect their image and children and be respectful toward others children.

 

 

.

 

Sorry - I just had to say that mature and stable parents would not have affairs if they were so concerned about protecting their image.

They would be sensible enough to think about the consequences and how it could affect their children.

[goodyblue]

Whatever the scenario, I would take whatever action I felt was appropriate to protect my children and deal with any issues they had from the fallout of an A.

 

 

If I felt it were appropriate based on their ages, then yes I would be having a discussion with them about why A are wrong, the mistakes their father made, etc. I wouldn't be using language like whore to talk to children. Nor would I be talking about legal revenge because there is no such thing.

 

 

My H would be on his own to deal with whatever "insulting stuff" he was facing. I might suggest he consider apologizing to the other BS as a start to putting an end to it.

 

It is pathetic to be so weak that you must involve children in adult situations, especially those under legal age. But even those who are adults are still THAT PERSON'S child and that is cruel. You can blame WS AP all youlike but if you could have prevented a child's pain and didn't, you are mean spirited. If you can protect a child then do it and stop being one yourself.

 

Of course all references to'you' are general and not you specifically Velvette.

[AnotherSadSong]

Sorry - I just had to say that mature and stable parents would not have affairs if they were so concerned about protecting their image.

They would be sensible enough to think about the consequences and how it could affect their children.

 

 

Everyone has a right to opinion. You may be correct in assumption. It happens a lot.

[xxoo]

I don't understand how people can feel justified, and mature, in engaging in an affair, but then get judgmental about the people who talk about the affair.

[AnotherSadSong]

I learned a lot from this thread. Of course I will be jaded on certain viewpoints, we all are. I would never enter affair territory again. If a MM dropped on the floor begging, the marriage is dead and over, he is separated, all the other BS, I would tell him to show me lawyers, paper work filed, and a signed agreement by him to me, that he will no longer speak to the woman he is divorcing and separated from, unless it is in front of me, and is extremely factual regarding financial, children, and settlement.

 

 

If he cannot do this, not even a coffee date.

 

 

I will not lower myself again to any affair BS.

Edited July 13, 2015 by AnotherSadSong

[goodyblue]

Sorry - I just had to say that mature and stable parents would not have affairs if they were so concerned about protecting their image.

They would be sensible enough to think about the consequences and how it could affect their children.

 

Agreed. And the b.s. should be mature enough to realize that if you don't have an intimate relationship with your husband he will find a mistress to fulfill his needs. And she may become his girlfriend. Or as is my case, his new wife, who actually likes who he is and wants intimacy, closeness, sex with him.

 

So when the bs informs the children about ws indiscretion, WS may turn around and explain why he stepped out. The affair was the choice of the WS and is on him, but in his eyes, there was a big lead up to it and he may choose to divulge that to explain his actions. Not excuse them, but explain.

[velvette]

It is pathetic to be so weak that you must involve children in adult situations, especially those under legal age. But even those who are adults are still THAT PERSON'S child and that is cruel. You can blame WS AP all youlike but if you could have prevented a child's pain and didn't, you are mean spirited. If you can protect a child then do it and stop being one yourself.

 

Of course all references to'you' are general and not you specifically Velvette.

 

I'm curious why you didn't apply that advice to yourself when you got into an A that was discovered and ended up causing your MM adult child pain?

 

 

Did you not understand at the time that's what you were risking or did you just not care. No one has suggested directly targeting a child for revenge. One person has presented a third hand account where none of the rest of us can be privy to the accuracy of the story of a child who was inadvertently affected. Unfortunate story if true.

 

 

Entering an A where children exist is far more likely to result in pain to children than revenge or drama between adults.

[xxoo]

Agreed. And the b.s. should be mature enough to realize that if you don't have an intimate relationship with your husband he will find a mistress to fulfill his needs.

 

Maybe I've been in a healthy marriage too long, but I wouldn't ever in a million years assume he'd get a mistress. Kids are watching. What are they learning?

 

Communicate. Confront. Divorce with a plan that puts the kids' well being first. THis is maturity.

[goodyblue]

Maybe I've been in a healthy marriage too long, but I wouldn't ever in a million years assume he'd get a mistress. Kids are watching. What are they learning?

 

Communicate. Confront. Divorce with a plan that puts the kids' well being first. THis is maturity.

 

Completely agree.

[goodyblue]

I'm curious why you didn't apply that advice to yourself when you got into an A that was discovered and ended up causing your MM adult child pain?

 

 

Did you not understand at the time that's what you were risking or did you just not care. No one has suggested directly targeting a child for revenge. One person has presented a third hand account where none of the rest of us can be privy to the accuracy of the story of a child who was inadvertently affected. Unfortunate story if true.

 

 

Entering an A where children exist is far more likely to result in pain to children than revenge or drama between adults.

 

We didn't involve her, that would be her mother's role.

[AnotherSadSong]

I'm curious why you didn't apply that advice to yourself when you got into an A that was discovered and ended up causing your MM adult child pain?

 

 

Did you not understand at the time that's what you were risking or did you just not care. No one has suggested directly targeting a child for revenge. One person has presented a third hand account where none of the rest of us can be privy to the accuracy of the story of a child who was inadvertently affected. Unfortunate story if true.

 

 

Entering an A where children exist is far more likely to result in pain to children than revenge or drama between adults.

 

 

Marriage alone does not determine a great life for children. There are terrible marriages out there where spouses fight constantly in front of the children unrelated to affairs. Actually what is best for a child in terrible marriages is for the parents to separate and care and love that child independently.

 

 

Goody had the rare affair that was genuine on the MM's part and he was actually not deeply lying and deceiving everyone in his path. He had a point to it, marry or date the right way, his love, Goody.

[autumnnight]

It is actually simple.

 

If someone doesn't want to be thought of as a cheater, then not cheating will probably take care of that.

 

If someone cheats and their spouse finds out, then chances are people will know. That is life.

 

So if you don't want your spouse (or someone else's) getting even with you for cheating, then don't cheat.

 

And if you don't want to go to jail or be dragged into an annoying and costly civil suit, etc. then be careful about the revenge you seek.

 

That would pretty much sum it up I think.

[velvette]

They think it is a one way street. Most BS's are totally happy to get OW fired, but don't get their own spouse fired. I am telling you if someone messed with my livelihood and ability to feed and clothe my children I would probably retaliate. But really, not against her but the MM. I would make sure he suffered all the revenge I was being made to suffer at the hands of his wife and if it affected his wife,l, so be it. Bs's sometimes think the MM should be handled differently from OW because they can't stand the thought of her husband actively seeking out someone else to sleep with. They convince themselves that OW chased and was conniving, and is batsh*t. Not usually the case.

 

WS deserves everything AP gets. The end.

 

 

So you would engage in the same behavior you are deploring if the BS engages in. Thinking that's not going to be contributing to a new job search very well.

 

 

As to the bolded, I don't think most BS think that way.

 

 

First, most people are not going to cut of their nose to spite themselves. So, getting your H fired if even possible, is going to hurt you or your children if any of you are depending on that income.

 

 

Second, the world doesn't work the way you think. You may not even be aware or be able to prove that BS is affecting your livelihood.

 

 

I and my friends blocked promotions of one of my H OW for 15 years. I wasn't really looking for revenge, although I never would have hired or promoted her myself. My friends came to me to discuss whether or not she should be promoted. I said no I wouldn't promote/hire her into our division because there was always drama around her. Simple as that she was stuck in the same dead end job.

[AnotherSadSong]

It is actually simple.

 

If someone doesn't want to be thought of as a cheater, then not cheating will probably take care of that.

 

If someone cheats and their spouse finds out, then chances are people will know. That is life.

 

So if you don't want your spouse (or someone else's) getting even with you for cheating, then don't cheat.

 

And if you don't want to go to jail or be dragged into an annoying and costly civil suit, etc. then be careful about the revenge you seek.

 

That would pretty much sum it up I think.

 

 

Exactly. If a married person never sets foot outside their marriage than revenge will never become topic.

[autumnnight]

Exactly. If a married person never sets foot outside their marriage than revenge will never become topic.

 

Ummm...no that wasn't exactly what I meant.

 

If YOU don't want to be part of affair fallout, then don't get involved in an affair, as the WS OR the AP.

 

Do you feel responsible at ALL for your actions? Besides telling BS here how mean they are, what kind of work are you doing on yourself?

[AnotherSadSong]

The only solution to prevent cheating would be to make it illegal and punishable because the majority of MM cheaters are cake eaters.

 

 

But they will never do this because if it was enacted then divorce rates would skyrocket beyond belief. This would stop affairs from being marriage savers. The men would actually have to make big boy decisions if they want cake.

[velvette]

We didn't involve her, that would be her mother's role.

 

Ah so you have no responsibility for the pain she felt when her mother informed her about the affair that YOU and your H had.

[xxoo]

Exactly. If a married person never sets foot outside their marriage than revenge will never become topic.

 

Or setting foot into a marriage.

[AnotherSadSong]

Ummm...no that wasn't exactly what I meant.

 

If YOU don't want to be part of affair fallout, then don't get involved in an affair, as the WS OR the AP.

 

Do you feel responsible at ALL for your actions? Besides telling BS here how mean they are, what kind of work are you doing on yourself?

 

I have never mentioned mean in any of my posts. I have posts on the work I am doing on myself. If you are that interested you can read them. I am against revenge practices in all situations except legal, which is why we have prisons. Revenge is an interest of topic of mine.

[World's.Edge]

Exactly, my point is you have A MOW and A MOM as affair partners, BOTH of their betrayed spouses (going by the argument not my personal beliefs on revenge), should understandably accept the same fate, meaning the MM cannot be all safe tucked away reconciling. He should accept he too may get a revenge lashing from the betrayed husband of his OW. His BS should (I would think) accept her husband's punishment as well.

 

Well, yeah. I mean, I don't think anyone is arguing against that here (are they?).

 

If someone's husband or wife has an affair with someone else's spouse then basically whatever happens due to their choices happens.

 

I do disagree on that both betrayed spouses should understandably accept the same fate because, well, no one really has to accept anything. The scenario you postulated is very general, situations and the people in those situations differ. There is no one answer or set way to which it should play out.

 

You may have a situation where the affair results in divorce or reconciliation for both marriages or in only one.

 

No one has to have an affair, no one has to seek revenge, reconcile, divorce or accept anything. These are all just choices people make, choices which others may understand, accept or disagree with.

 

Affairs have consequences, and those consequences depend on the decisions and choices of those involved.

 

Some betrayed spouse(s) may pursue revenge while others may not, some might take revenge on their own adulterous spouse, or both, or neither.

 

I read a story where the teenage son of the adulterous wife went after the married other man.

[velvette]

Marriage alone does not determine a great life for children. There are terrible marriages out there where spouses fight constantly in front of the children unrelated to affairs. Actually what is best for a child in terrible marriages is for the parents to separate and care and love that child independently.

 

 

Goody had the rare affair that was genuine on the MM's part and he was actually not deeply lying and deceiving everyone in his path. He had a point to it, marry or date the right way, his love, Goody.

 

 

I never said all marriages determine a great life for a child. The point is that it is far healthier if the marriage ends for a child to navigate only the fallout from a divorce.......not the fallout from divorce with the discovery of an A by one or both parents heaped on top.

 

 

As for Goody, I think even she says she wished her M hadn't started as an A. I think you will be hard pressed to find people who agree with you that an A is an appropriate way to end a marriage unless its people who are involved in A.

[xxoo]

The only solution to prevent cheating would be to make it illegal and punishable because the majority of MM cheaters are cake eaters.

 

 

But they will never do this because if it was enacted then divorce rates would skyrocket beyond belief. This would stop affairs from being marriage savers. The men would actually have to make big boy decisions if they want cake.

 

Why is there a constant source of single women willing to sign up for the role of OW? Married men can't have affairs with themselves. (although I'd love for them to be reduced to affairs with each other )

[autumnnight]

The only solution to prevent cheating would be to make it illegal and punishable because the majority of MM cheaters are cake eaters.

 

 

But they will never do this because if it was enacted then divorce rates would skyrocket beyond belief. This would stop affairs from being marriage savers. The men would actually have to make big boy decisions if they want cake.

 

Of course, if women would stop getting with married men, that would put a damper on cheating.