Revenge [pertaining to infidelity]

[AnotherSadSong]

I'm not attacking this post in anyway but it is wholly understated.

 

Unless you've experienced infidelity, you just can't know what it's like and what the betrayed goes through.

 

One can imagine what it's like the same way I can imagine what childbirth, being set on fire or fighting in a war is like but my imagining is nowhere near the experience.

 

There are no three big emotions that come to the forefront, I can't even list all the stuff one goes through: the pain, the torment, anxiety, depression, blind rage, emotional pain, hyper vigilance, mental anguish, sadness, physical pain, loss of appetite, desperation, and being overwhelmed by a flood of emotions, just to name a few.

 

Someone I know whose occupation sometimes involves addressing large crowds suffered a panic attack on stage shortly after discovering her husband's affair. She triggered on stage and was inconsolable.

 

Not everyone's experience is the same but infidelity is a monster unto itself.

 

 

I liked reading this because the MM I was involved with did this to his wife a multitude of times. I do not understand staying with someone who causes this kind of pain once, (isn't that enough for someone they claim to love) but then afflicting it over and over again. Thank you it helped me to see further how disgusting he was.

[Noirek]

Why was it none of their business? I wouldn't want my child hanging out with a child or in the home of someone engaged in an affair. Same as I wouldn't want them hanging out anywhere else where questionable behavior was going on like drug use, excessive drinking etc. Maybe the parents who were informed appreciated knowing what kind of person the OW was. The BS is not responsible for other parents who allowed their children to be bullies.

 

It was none of the people's business she told. It was the equivalent of soccar moms. And those soccar moms felt sorry for the BS but were WTF. But kids are cruel and her intent to hurt the OW resulted in the child being the one hurt. Not because some parent decided their child could no longer be friends with the tainted child. But because bullies descended down upon her.

[velvette]

I think taking revenge against young school children to get back at an AP would enter into the sphere of major mental illness and massive problems with impulse control. It then becomes less of an expected affair liability and becomes a personal act of child abuse and I would not take that lightly. You mess with young kids with premeditation, as I read on another thread about revenge, different ball park.

 

No one here is advocating premeditated revenge taken against young children. If your child suffers negative consequences because of your A, that's on you(general you).

 

 

I think most AP children would be better served if they were more concerned about how THEY are harming their children.

 

 

In the case of my H OW, nothing I did could have harmed her child like she did. While she was busy having an affair her son was getting involved with the wrong people, developing a drug habit and getting his 16 year old girl friend pregnant.

[velvette]

It was none of the people's business she told. It was the equivalent of soccar moms. And those soccar moms felt sorry for the BS but were WTF. But kids are cruel and her intent to hurt the OW resulted in the child being the one hurt. Not because some parent decided their child could no longer be friends with the tainted child. But because bullies descended down upon her.

 

And again, the BS has no control over other parents who allow their children to be bullies.

[AnotherSadSong]

Really, read my second post where I gave the story. She was no longer involved in an affair. People really do care so little about others. It isn't just the AP and WS with that ability.

 

Now APs are being compared to IV drug users lying about a house and excessive partiers with alcohol around children. Unbelievable!

[AnotherSadSong]

Velvetta you mentioned you were an OW and that makes both you and your husband the same bad characters you project onto others. Do you make this announcement to your own neighborhood so that husbands, their wives, and their children can decide for themselves if they want to stay a great distance for not one but two cheaters with bad character?

 

 

Maybe those parents would rather their children hang with the pot smokers two houses down instead of yours.

[velvette]

Now APs are being compared to IV drug users lying about a house and excessive partiers with alcohol around children. Unbelievable!

 

 

You can twist it all you like, but most parents do not want their kids in the homes of people where fallout/drama etc from behavior they don't want their kids exposed to is going on.

[Noirek]

And again, the BS has no control over other parents who allow their children to be bullies.

 

So you think there was nothing off about this woman telling a group of women in another town after the affair was over and NC in place that the OW had slept with her husband. And then posted a detailed bash fest on a fb group for that same town that directly led to schoolkids reading details and in turn making the 14 year old girl's life miserAble? That the BW bares no responsibility because well, that single mom started it?

[Horton]

Where is the reading comprehension? Good god. If i was assualted I would go to the police. I would not go to the adult children of my assualted and tell them about it. And I am not against exposure. But Within reason. Not this shotgun approach or outside of relative realms.

 

Where's yours? My point was if you were assaulted it would be nobody's business (especially the assailant) who you tell about it. What don't you understand about that? The truth is people who engage in adulterous relationships just don't want anybody finding out about it. All of this noble talk about not wanting the relatives and parents feelings to be hurt due to exposure is just a charade. Where was all of this "Won't somebody think of the children." hysteria when they we're endangering the welfare of two families?

 

Now that they've had their fun and they're so over all of this, suddenly the families best interests is of upmost importance to them? And of course it just happens to be in the families best interests that the affair is only known by a chosen few all of whom know to keep their big mouths shut? What a massive coincidence that is for the adulterers. That their best interest aligns so perfectly with their new found concern for the parents and children's best interests. Like having their cake and eating it too.

[AnotherSadSong]

You can twist it all you like, but most parents do not want their kids in the homes of people where fallout/drama etc from behavior they don't want their kids exposed to is going on.

 

No twisting on what you posted. You said drug addicts and excessive drinkers. I believe most people are able to handle their emotions without involving their children or their children's friends. It is not even known.

 

 

There are many exceptional parents who have adult situations of many kinds that do not cross into their parenting. Some of this stuff I read borderlines on hypocrisy.

[Noirek]

You can twist it all you like, but most parents do not want their kids in the homes of people where fallout/drama etc from behavior they don't want their kids exposed to is going on.

 

It was past behaviour and your point didn't even have anything to do with what happened. Some people really could care less about the feelings of children of "tainted" parents. No, I wouldn't let my kids go to a home where there is binge drinking and drugs. Or sexual behaviour done in front of children. But I would stop my children from being friends with an OWs child. Nor would I be okay with them bullying that child or in any way justify it.

[AnotherSadSong]

No one here is advocating premeditated revenge taken against young children. If your child suffers negative consequences because of your A, that's on you(general you).

 

 

I think most AP children would be better served if they were more concerned about how THEY are harming their children.

 

 

In the case of my H OW, nothing I did could have harmed her child like she did. While she was busy having an affair her son was getting involved with the wrong people, developing a drug habit and getting his 16 year old girl friend pregnant.

 

 

The problem your stating the affair was a direct cause of teen rebellion is that it occurs in the same if not more households of two loving, caring, and faithful spouses.

[Noirek]

Where's yours? My point was if you were assaulted it would be nobody's business (especially the assailant) who you tell about it. What don't you understand about that? The truth is people who engage in adulterous relationships just don't want anybody finding out about it. All of this noble talk about not wanting the relatives and parents feelings to be hurt due to exposure is just a charade. Where was all of this "Won't somebody think of the children." hysteria when they we're endangering the welfare of two families?

 

Now that they've had their fun and they're so over all of this, suddenly the families best interests is of upmost importance to them? And of course it just happens to be in the families best interests that the affair is only known by a chosen few all of whom know to keep their big mouths shut? What a massive coincidence that is for the adulterers. That their best interest aligns so perfectly with their new found concern for the parents and children's best interests. Like having their cake and eating it too.

 

Their is no reasoning with you. I even said to tell the OBS. But there are lines. And people can cross them. And there is being the person responsible.

 

Adult Children finding out from both parents or even just one or friends is light years different than finding out from the OBS. And a BS telling the WS parents of the affair isn't close to the same as the non related BS waltzing in an informing them.

[velvette]

Velvetta you mentioned you were an OW and that makes both you and your husband the same bad characters you project onto others. Do you make this announcement to your own neighborhood so that husbands, their wives, and their children can decide for themselves if they want to stay a great distance for not one but two cheaters with bad character?

 

 

Maybe those parents would rather their children hang with the pot smokers two houses down instead of yours.

 

My A was over 30 years ago. Your question presumes that people cant change. I don't believe that. No ones children are at risk from me being an affair cheerleader, no ones spouses are at risk for me being an OW to them, etc. Same for my H. Theres also no A related or other drama going on at my house that would negatively influence or harm children.

 

 

The situation being discussed was an A where A related drama was still going on.

 

 

All that being said, if someone asked me if I had ever had an A, I would tell them the truth. If they chose not to have their children or spouse or themselves around me it would not shock me. But, then again I have always known that the majority of people are not going to look favorably on someone engaged in an A either as the other or the married person.

 

 

What shocks me is that so many OW are apparently ignorant of this fact.

[AnotherSadSong]

My A was over 30 years ago. Your question presumes that people cant change. I don't believe that. No ones children are at risk from me being an affair cheerleader, no ones spouses are at risk for me being an OW to them, etc. Same for my H. Theres also no A related or other drama going on at my house that would negatively influence or harm children.

 

 

The situation being discussed was an A where A related drama was still going on.

 

 

All that being said, if someone asked me if I had ever had an A, I would tell them the truth. If they chose not to have their children or spouse or themselves around me it would not shock me. But, then again I have always known that the majority of people are not going to look favorably on someone engaged in an A either as the other or the married person.

 

 

What shocks me is that so many OW are apparently ignorant of this fact.

 

I beg to differ by your own posts and judgment. You both have the capability to fall off the wagon, same as the alcoholics and druggies you used as comparison.

[Noirek]

I should add that people encourage those who are going to tell a BS off an affair to do so gently. When people are using exposure as revenge and not to end the affair it is pretty guaranteed they are not thinking of the person they are tellings feelings. And they are not doing so gently. A detailed fb post on a public group? Not a kind way to those exposing to.

 

I would say if you feel you must expose. Even if the affair is over and the AP gone do so with the feelings of the person you are talking to in mind. And do it as gently and kindly as you can. Just like you would want to be told.

[velvette]

The problem your stating the affair was a direct cause of teen rebellion is that it occurs in the same if not more households of two loving, caring, and faithful spouses.

 

I didn't say the affair caused it. All I know is if it were my son, my time would have been devoted to getting help for my son rather than having an A.

[AnotherSadSong]

I didn't say the affair caused it. All I know is if it were my son, my time would have been devoted to getting help for my son rather than having an A.

 

It could also be her son could not be helped and her overwhelming emotions led her to do something she would not normally do.

[sweet_pea]

I beg to differ by your own posts and judgment. You both have the capability to fall off the wagon, same as the alcoholics and druggies you used as comparison.

 

I don't recall reading her say that APs are like Drug Addicts/Alcoholics. All she said (paraphrased) is that just like she wouldn't like her kids to be around drug addicts, she wouldn't like them around APs either. Not that they are like each other. I could be wrong, but I didn't read it as her saying that drug addicts are just like APs.

[velvette]

I beg to differ by your own posts and judgment. You both have the capability to fall off the wagon, same as the alcoholics and druggies you used as comparison.

 

Something we agree on. Everyone has the potential to be in an A whether or not they have been in one before.

 

 

We all have the ability to engage in bad behavior.

 

 

That's irrelevant to the point I made though. Most people do not want their kids hanging out where there is active "bad behavior" or fallout/drama from same going on. Everyone defines for themselves/their kids what that behavior is.

[Noirek]

Something we agree on. Everyone has the potential to be in an A whether or not they have been in one before.

 

 

We all have the ability to engage in bad behavior.

 

 

That's irrelevant to the point I made though. Most people do not want their kids hanging out where there is active "bad behavior" or fallout/drama from same going on. Everyone defines for themselves/their kids what that behavior is.

 

Which was your defense of what that BS did in my example and wasn't even relative to the situation because

A. The daughter had never met the MM

B. The affair was over

[AnotherSadSong]

I don't recall reading her say that APs are like Drug Addicts/Alcoholics. All she said (paraphrased) is that just like she wouldn't like her kids to be around drug addicts, she wouldn't like them around APs either. Not that they are like each other. I could be wrong, but I didn't read it as her saying that drug addicts are just like APs.

 

I think the whole point is ridiculous. A good example would be Donald Trump who had a string of affairs and has some of the most bright, polite, and well adjusted kids in Hollywood.

 

 

Good parenting and good parenting styles has little to do with adult affairs.

[velvette]

It could also be her son could not be helped and her overwhelming emotions led her to do something she would not normally do.

 

Well that's not what happened so I don't know what else to tell you. And she didn't behave the way she did due to overwhelming emotions.

 

 

I've known her for a long time. She handled it the same poor way she has always handled lots of thing. If I had to guess, its that behavior passed on to the son that caused his problems.

[velvette]

I think the whole point is ridiculous. A good example would be Donald Trump who had a string of affairs and has some of the most bright, polite, and well adjusted kids in Hollywood.

 

 

Good parenting and good parenting styles has little to do with adult affairs.

 

I don't agree. A lot of people who engage in affairs do so because of their own personal issues.

 

 

To think those behaviors don't cross over into every aspect of their lives including their parenting is nuts.

[World's.Edge]

I liked reading this because the MM I was involved with did this to his wife a multitude of times. I do not understand staying with someone who causes this kind of pain once, (isn't that enough for someone they claim to love) but then afflicting it over and over again. Thank you it helped me to see further how disgusting he was.

Well there are several reasons betrayed spouses chose to remain: self-esteem issues, religion, family, denial, lifestyle and financial constraints, age, hope, love, pride, forgiveness, etc.

 

Also adulterers lie, gas-light and minimize their cheating. Without actual physical evidence some will deny any wrong-doing and dismiss, call their spouse crazy, paranoid, pathetic, etc, and many betrayed spouses won't end their marriage on suspicions alone.

 

I have an older cousin who's either in his late thirties or early forties whose wife is divorcing him because he now has a child with his affair partner. There were rumours over the years of him being unfaithful but never any actual proof until the pregnancy. He and his STBXW have three young children together and she didn't want to risk breaking up their marriage without actual evidence.