Revenge [pertaining to infidelity]

[sweet_pea]

I think the whole point is ridiculous. A good example would be Donald Trump who had a string of affairs and has some of the most bright, polite, and well adjusted kids in Hollywood.

 

 

Good parenting and good parenting styles has little to do with adult affairs.

 

Eh, there have been examples where a parent has neglected their relationship with their child in exchange for being with the AP. I've witnessed it firsthand with one of my very best friends. I'm not saying all, but unfortunately, there are parents who disregard their kids for the AP and that's sad.

 

Not to mention, just because one parent is having an affair, doesn't mean the other parent isn't trying to make up for it & do a good job. Maybe Donald Trump's wives were the ones raising his children to be bright, polite and well-adjusted while he was out philandering. Once again, not saying he (or any WS/AP) was an awful parent, just that sometimes the affair does get in the way and affect parenting.

[AnotherSadSong]

Well there are several reasons betrayed spouses chose to remain: self-esteem issues, religion, family, denial, lifestyle and financial constraints, age, hope, love, pride, forgiveness, etc.

 

Also adulterers lie, gas-light and minimize their cheating. Without actual physical evidence some will deny any wrong-doing and dismiss, call their spouse crazy, paranoid, pathetic, etc, and many betrayed spouses won't end their marriage on suspicions alone.

 

I have an older cousin who's either in his late thirties or early forties whose wife is divorcing him because he now has a child with his affair partner. There were rumours over the years of him being unfaithful but never any actual proof until the pregnancy. He and his STBXW have three young children together and she didn't want to risk breaking up their marriage without actual evidence.

 

 

Oh, there was proof and fall outs in the situation.

[AnotherSadSong]

Eh, there have been examples where a parent has neglected their relationship with their child in exchange for being with the AP. I've witnessed it firsthand with one of my very best friends. I'm not saying all, but unfortunately, there are parents who disregard their kids for the AP and that's sad.

 

Not to mention, just because one parent is having an affair, doesn't mean the other parent isn't trying to make up for it & do a good job. Maybe Donald Trump's wives were the ones raising his children to be bright, polite and well-adjusted while he was out philandering. Once again, not saying he (or any WS/AP) was an awful parent, just that sometimes the affair does get in the way and affect parenting.

 

Could be. But you could say the same for a single mother dating and taking some time out to enjoy the company of men. Is she perceived as pushing her children aside? Are they disregarding their children for their date? I do agree if a wayward is abandoning his/her children than I would have to agree there is a problem with that.

[Noirek]

Eh, there have been examples where a parent has neglected their relationship with their child in exchange for being with the AP. I've witnessed it firsthand with one of my very best friends. I'm not saying all, but unfortunately, there are parents who disregard their kids for the AP and that's sad.

 

Not to mention, just because one parent is having an affair, doesn't mean the other parent isn't trying to make up for it & do a good job. Maybe Donald Trump's wives were the ones raising his children to be bright, polite and well-adjusted while he was out philandering. Once again, not saying he (or any WS/AP) was an awful parent, just that sometimes the affair does get in the way and affect parenting.

 

OT The bad parent part of me is risking my children's family unit. If to some people that means I am on the same level as an abusive or neglectful parent so be it. Parenting is one of the mos judged and has the harshest opinions of anything there is. I am judged for my working, disciplining, birh methods and so on. I know there are people who would call me a bad parent because of any one single thing.

 

But my husband doesn't think so. And my children are for the most part very happy and whole. So judgements on parenting I work on not bothering me.

[Horton]

All that being said, if someone asked me if I had ever had an A, I would tell them the truth. If they chose not to have their children or spouse or themselves around me it would not shock me. But, then again I have always known that the majority of people are not going to look favorably on someone engaged in an A either as the other or the married person.

 

 

What shocks me is that so many OW are apparently ignorant of this fact.

 

This is the crux of the matter. Some, not all, but some OW simply cannot fathom that other people might (gasp) disapprove of their behavior. It's like they're living in another world where the normal rules don't apply to them. They'll go into another woman's home, into her bed and sleep with her husband and then act like she's a dirty snitch for telling on them.

[AnotherSadSong]

I don't agree. A lot of people who engage in affairs do so because of their own personal issues.

 

 

To think those behaviors don't cross over into every aspect of their lives including their parenting is nuts.

 

It has not mine, but maybe I am an exception to the rule. All first honor roll, well adjusted, and popular and importantly happy. It is difficult but that is one thing I have no problem patting myself on the back for and if anyone wants to argue I am a terrible parent, so be it.

[velvette]

So you think there was nothing off about this woman telling a group of women in another town after the affair was over and NC in place that the OW had slept with her husband. And then posted a detailed bash fest on a fb group for that same town that directly led to schoolkids reading details and in turn making the 14 year old girl's life miserAble? That the BW bares no responsibility because well, that single mom started it?

 

Your telling of this story has been very disjointed and adding new details with every post.

 

 

Its not something I would probably do, but in order to decide if I thought there was something "off" about the BS, I would have to hear the story from her.

 

 

Bottom line for me, the BS can tell her truth to whomever she wants. She is not responsible for what other people do with that truth.

 

 

Everyone here has said its ok for the BS to inform the other BS of the truth. If that BS then kills his/her cheating spouse is the BS who revealed the affair responsible. No. Same difference in your example.

 

 

I have to go for now so I wont be responding after this.

[sweet_pea]

Could be. But you could say the same for a single mother dating and taking some time out to enjoy the company of men. Is she perceived as pushing her children aside? Are they disregarding their children for their date? I do agree if a wayward is abandoning his/her children than I would have to agree there is a problem with that.

 

I mean, some single mothers do put their children after the men that they date. Just like some WS/APs do too.

[Noirek]

Your telling of this story has been very disjointed and adding new details with every post.

 

 

Its not something I would probably do, but in order to decide if I thought there was something "off" about the BS, I would have to hear the story from her.

 

 

Bottom line for me, the BS can tell her truth to whomever she wants. She is not responsible for what other people do with that truth.

 

 

Everyone here has said its ok for the BS to inform the other BS of the truth. If that BS then kills his/her cheating spouse is the BS who revealed the affair responsible. No. Same difference in your example.

 

 

I have to go for now so I wont be responding after this.

 

BS. I mentioned it in passing without details and then one post later gave the details of what actually happened. But thats okay, put BS on the level of being saints capable of no ethical or moral wrong (just don't do murder).

 

And telling the OBS and them murdering is not even close to the same as posting a public degrading or telling uninvolved people and you know it. No one is that ignorant. And as far as the last part goes, if the BS who informed knew the OBS was mentally unstable or abusive... Then yes, they would probably have feelings of guilt.

[Noirek]

I mean, some single mothers do put their children after the men that they date. Just like some WS/APs do too.

 

And some BS do after their need for self vindication and inflicting pain.

[Noirek]

I think I get it. For some as long as it is legal there is no such thing as too far for a BS to take exposure or revenge. They are not accountable for any pain caused by their actions. They can do no wrong as long as they stay within the bounds of the law. For others, there are such thing as extremes. And going too far.

[sweet_pea]

And some BS do after their need for self vindication and inflicting pain.

 

Sure, never said otherwise.

[Noirek]

Sure, never said otherwise.

 

No but in fairness it needs to be said.

[xxoo]

I think I get it. For some as long as it is legal there is no such thing as too far for a BS to take exposure or revenge. They are not accountable for any pain caused by their actions. They can do no wrong as long as they stay within the bounds of the law. For others, there are such thing as extremes. And going too far.

 

I don't think that people think it's ok. The while situation is f'ed up. None of it is ok.

 

I think people think it's understandable, and unsurprising. The reaction is more like: were you expecting otherwise? Expecting the BS to have more compassion and self control than the affair partners? And if so, why?

[autumnnight]

I'm not attacking this post in anyway but it is wholly understated.

 

Unless you've experienced infidelity, you just can't know what it's like and what the betrayed goes through.

 

One can imagine what it's like the same way I can imagine what childbirth, being set on fire or fighting in a war is like but my imagining is nowhere near the experience.

 

There are no three big emotions that come to the forefront, I can't even list all the stuff one goes through: the pain, the torment, anxiety, depression, blind rage, emotional pain, hyper vigilance, mental anguish, sadness, physical pain, loss of appetite, desperation, and being overwhelmed by a flood of emotions, just to name a few.

 

Someone I know whose occupation sometimes involves addressing large crowds suffered a panic attack on stage shortly after discovering her husband's affair. She triggered on stage and was inconsolable.

 

Not everyone's experience is the same but infidelity is a monster unto itself.

 

1. I have been cheated on

 

2. So much for my attempt to be empathetic and compassionate. I give up

[sweet_pea]

This is me just being curious but there's a lot of talk about what's fair and what isn't. Why is fairness important NOW, after the affair, when no one was thinking about what was fair to the BS during the affair?

[autumnnight]

the BS can tell her truth to whomever she wants

 

This is true, and the thing that makes it true are the parts in bold and underline. If I am the one betrayed, then I have the right to tell MY truth about MY life.

[Gloria25]

Ok, I'm too late in this thread and have not read all the posts, but if people wanna put all their energy in "revenge" to the BS and/or OW/OM, then they haven't learned a thing.

 

At the end of the day, WE are responsible for our part in what happens to us. Either your married a dog (a serial cheater with no/low character) or you weren't taking care of his/her needs in the marriage (you starved him/her by not caring for him sexually, emotionally, etc...you didn't take care of your appearance, etc).

 

I watch "Who the Bleep" on ID and last week I noticed that the wronged spouses said the same thing - 'I ignored red flags'....So, you marry someone and ignore the red flags - your fault...not the BS and/or the OW/OM.

 

My fav podcaster makes it VERY simple. She says "Choose wisely, treat kindly". You gotta watch who you choose as a spouse and if you chose right, then you better treat them right. PLAIN AND SIMPLE....Don't blame other people for your role in your marriage/RL.

 

So at the end of they day, it boils down to US and the decision(s) WE made. So, to be mad at other people when we had a part in what happened to us instead of learning a lesson and moving on is a waste of time to me.

[Trishern]

As a result of that the child of the OW became a victim of bullying at school. Yeah, the parents shouldn't have been involved. But you know what. That doesn't make what the BW did okay. She had a lot of power and she used that power wrongly and it resulted in a 14 year old girl being hurt. Personal responsibility be hanged.

 

And this is what you call consequences. if anyone in an affair thinks they are the only two being affected, they should think again. The actions and behaviour of the parent, can affect their children. That 14 year old should place her mother 100% responsible. Hopefully Mummy won't have any more affairs after seeing the damage this one has caused.

 

 

 

 

Mrs. Trishern

[World's.Edge]

1. I have been cheated on

 

2. So much for my attempt to be empathetic and compassionate. I give up

 

OMG Autumn, I wrote specifically that I wasn't attacking your post but that it was understated i.e. didn't provide a comprehensive view of what the betrayed went through. It wasn't an attack, I was adding to what you wrote and provided an example.

 

I know who've been cheated on, you mentioned that in one of your posts. I referred to infidelity i.e. cheating in a marriage. Yes, being cheated on sucks, but cheating within a marriage tends to have more dimensions to it and the fallout is usually greater.

 

So much for my attempt to be.. whatever I was being. I give up!!

[minimariah]

Actually, I know people who have said they would rather their CHILD died than be cheated on. Chew on that. In light of that nugget, revenge doesn't seem so bad.

 

just the other day, in my country -- a woman killed herself and her child when she discovered her H's infidelity, while leaving a huge post (letter) on Facebook... accusing him of everything.

 

we don't have Broderick type of cases in our countries at all, so this "revenge" by this woman shocked the entire country for this past week.

 

to some... being cheated on really is the absolute worst thing that can happen.

[AnotherSadSong]

I don't think that people think it's ok. The while situation is f'ed up. None of it is ok.

 

I think people think it's understandable, and unsurprising. The reaction is more like: were you expecting otherwise? Expecting the BS to have more compassion and self control than the affair partners? And if so, why?

 

Because in real life not Hollywood, most APs unless they are a seductress, temptress, or lurking on Craiglist and AM do enter an affair to purposely hurt the BS. There are many other angles and it all starts with the dear husband who is one step out the marriage. He is unhappy and he is miserable. This from him, "I wish I had not gotten married." Save me.

 

 

An AP who never would have thought they would enter an affair, is in a different state of mind and as much as BS like to belittle them for it, yes, after seeing 60% of marriages fail regardless is there is cheating (and the OW has not studied up on affairs and affair boards) they do see it as an exit affair, this is the one for her. His life is so miserable he is leaving regardless if I am there or not.

 

 

In the aftermath, the AP is still in a fog of mess, and sees it not as defeat and the wife winning, but defeat in herself, she knew this affair was different than all others, the meaning and the outcome would different.

 

 

So while it can destroy a marriage, it was never the actual intention, the marriage was already destroyed. Was it right? No. Will most enter another affair? No.

 

 

For this is my story so I cannot relate to the scheming, manipulative, and laughing evil OW who is on a rampage to destroy your life and family.

[AnotherSadSong]

just the other day, in my country -- a woman killed herself and her child when she discovered her H's infidelity, while leaving a huge post (letter) on Facebook... accusing him of everything.

 

we don't have Broderick type of cases in our countries at all, so this "revenge" by this woman shocked the entire country for this past week.

 

to some... being cheated on really is the absolute worst thing that can happen.

 

 

Murdering your child because your husband cheated is inexcusable. It is sad but no man would ever be above my child period. That is a terribly sad and a tragic story. I hope the child felt little pain and it was fast. You did not mention the age.

[xxoo]

Because in real life not Hollywood, most APs unless they are a seductress, temptress, or lurking on Craiglist and AM do enter an affair to purposely hurt the BS. There are many other angles and it all starts with the dear husband who is one step out the marriage. He is unhappy and he is miserable. This from him, "I wish I had not gotten married." Save me.

 

 

An AP who never would have thought they would enter an affair, is in a different state of mind and as much as BS like to belittle them for it, yes, after seeing 60% of marriages fail regardless is there is cheating (and the OW has not studied up on affairs and affair boards) they do see it as an exit affair, this is the one for her. His life is so miserable he is leaving regardless if I am there or not.

 

 

In the aftermath, the AP is still in a fog of mess, and sees it not as defeat and the wife winning, but defeat in herself, she knew this affair was different than all others, the meaning and the outcome would different.

 

 

So while it can destroy a marriage, it was never the actual intention, the marriage was already destroyed. Was it right? No. Will most enter another affair? No.

 

 

For this is my story so I cannot relate to the scheming, manipulative, and laughing evil OW who is on a rampage to destroy your life and family.

 

I don't buy into the seductress story or the innocent love story, unless the OW was truly deceived and never knew the man was married.

 

The story I believe is: I know this is wrong, and probably stupid, but it feels really good right now and I need this.

 

And that's the same story for both the OW indulging in the temptation of affair, and the BS indulging in the temptation of revenge.

[sandylee1]

In cases where a BS exposes as a means of revenge to the OWs/OMs family and the OW/OM feels their family are being involved to cause drama or are innocent people getting hurt , have they thought about the upset that the parents /siblings / children of the BS feel? Or is this hurt only limited to the OW or OMs family.

 

If my hypothetical son in law, cheated on my daughter, her hurt would in turn cause me hurt. It would hurt me to see my grandchildren suffer as a result of the affair.

 

Nobody wants to see their child crying so much, become depressed, have palpitations and panic attacks, have triggers and become a shadow of their former selves because of a betrayal. The OW contributed to the devastation and expecting to slip off into the night totally unscathed is really naive.

 

Isn't it hurtful for the child of a BS to see them crying, traumatised and unable to get out of bed because of the affair?

 

The only difference here would be that their mother didn't do anything wrong , unlike the OW. Their father did wrong and he's getting his own consequences, but that doesn't mean nothing happens to the OW.