Anyone else in my shoes? Fiance loves me and another person....

[LovedNC]

Hey there. I have been with my fiance for almost two years now, and after we got engaged, I found out that he cheated on me with his best friend. He lived with this person before I moved in (the room mate moved out, because I did not want to live with my boyfriend and a third person), and claims nothing has happened since I've moved in.

 

They text EVERY day, and he admits that he is in love with them, but that he loves me too, and that I'm the one he wants to marry and be with. He doesn't see this person, they just text.

 

Can you really be in love with two people? I love him so much, but some days I just don't know if this is something I want to deal with the rest of my life....

[casey.lives]

he loves only YOU. he does everything with you and for you argo he loves you. that other "thing" is a fantasy escape random b.s.... let him keep being delusional .. b.s is b.s... you're his fiance and his wifey.. he chose YOU!!!

....that.. is whateve... not love

[Satu]

Eject, eject, eject.

 

He does not love you, no matter how many times he says he does.

 

He doesn't even know what love is.

[No Limit]

No, he just loves to cake-eat. Break off the engagement and get away from this guy ASAP!

[Spectre]

he loves only YOU. he does everything with you and for you argo he loves you. that other "thing" is a fantasy escape random b.s.... let him keep being delusional .. b.s is b.s... you're his fiance and his wifey.. he chose YOU!!!

....that.. is whateve... not love

 

Uh, how is it just a fantasy when he cheated on her with her friend?

 

Also, fantasy or not: if this guy is claiming he is in love with her..but also some other chicks at the same time..that is baloney. You can't be in love with two people at once. The very nature of being "in love" would prevent it. When you are in love with someone they are your world, you only want them. Another person could never take a similar place in your heart if the love was true. There is a difference between loving someone and being in love with them, and some don't get that.

 

Even without the cheating..the constant texting another woman is enough to warrant a break up, his having the audacity to claim he is in love with them both is cause for a break up too. Anyways, he did cheat though so she should of dumped him for cheating, she is dating a straight up man-whore. Now people, please don't get upset at me for labeling the guy a man-whore. The guy is a cheater, it fits, we don't need a several pages long debate on the merits of using it.

Edited July 12, 2015 by Spectre

[Space Ritual]

Can you really be in love with two people? I love him so much, but some days I just don't know if this is something I want to deal with the rest of my life....

 

You are answering your own question. Being in love with 2 people is the stuff of Easy Listening songs and Lifetime Movies of the Week. Walk away. This douchenozzle is not worth your time or affection.

[Radu]

OP, do you want to settle for half of him ?

 

Are you worth that little that you only deserve a fraction of his time, soul and resources ?

[Omei]

If he cheated on you and is telling you he loves his friend hes not willing to make amends obviously you're still around so he doesn't need too. If you marry this guy you know what you're singing up for I hope, half of him.

[I4givehim]

Run as fast as you can. Don't look back. RUNNNN!!!

[h0000]

Did he cheat with a guy or a girl?

[TaraMaiden2]

....

Can you really be in love with two people? I love him so much, but some days I just don't know if this is something I want to deal with the rest of my life....

 

Yes, of course you can be in love with two people.

Whether you should be in touch with them, and crow-bar them together and share yourself out to them (thereby committing to neither, and giving less of yourself than you should), is an entirely different matter.

 

He keeps in touch with her and demonstrates his love, because you allow it.

He will keep treading on your heart until you read him the riot act.

 

Talk is cheap.

He may say he loves you, but as ever, "Actions speak louder than Words".

 

I'm sorry, you need to stop accepting any of this, right now.

 

if he STATES that -

 

he loves me too, and that I'm the one he wants to marry and be with.

Tell him that in that case, it's just two people, not three, and he has to ditch her, and ditch her now.

There are no ifs buts or maybes.

This is NOT up for discussion.

 

It's either the other girl, or you.

There is no half-measure, and you are not prepared to accept this for an instant longer.

 

he HAS to make a choice.

And whatever choice he makes, then that's it and all of it.

[h0000]

I mean he could be gay..just need to marry a woman so family won't be suspicious...

 

Or he really loves two people but it doesn;t matter, what matters here is can you live with it

[TaraMaiden2]

Did he cheat with a guy or a girl?

 

Good point.

No gender was mentioned.

In fact, i would suggest the wording of the first post actually avoided the mention of gender....

Well spotted....

 

However: My advice still stands and is as relevant, regardless of the gender of the third wheel....

[d0nnivain]

Have you ever heard of Prince Charles, the late Princess Diana & the now Dutchess of Cornwall, Camila Parker Bowels? That is what happens when somebody claims to be in love with 2 people. Maybe not the horrible death in a tunnel being chased by paparazzi but all the rest of it.

 

 

End your engagement & move out. Sorry.

[Try]

after we got engaged, I found out that he cheated on me with his best friend. He lived with this person before I moved in (the room mate moved out, because I did not want to live with my boyfriend and a third person), and claims nothing has happened since I've moved in.

OK so after you were engaged to be married, but before you moved in, he was living with and having sex with his affair partner. That means that they were more than just friends as they were lovers, so stop calling her "his best friend". Cheaters often lie to their significant other in claiming that their affair partner is just a friend. This is the lie that they use in order to have an excuse to see their affair partner. Now that you know otherwise, you look foolish still calling her his friend.

 

They text EVERY day, and he admits that he is in love with them, but that he loves me too, and that I'm the one he wants to marry and be with. He doesn't see this person, they just text.

He is in love with his affair partner, more proof that they are not just friends. Thus she is an affair partner that he cheated with and should not be in contact with at all. For you to even think about staying with him (which you should not), at a minimum you should demand full no contact for life and full transparency which includes all passwords.

 

BTW if I had a dollar for every betrayed person that stated that "he doesn't see this person" anymore, only to learn later that they are still seeing each other, I would be a rich man. He is a proven liar and a cheat, you have know way of knowing if he is still seeing her or not, so stop pretending that you know.

Edited July 12, 2015 by Try

[Friskyone4u]

You may be the one he wants to marry, but if you go through with it you better make sure you are OK with him cheating on you or demanding an open marriage. Why would you want to marry him with this arrangement???????

 

I'd be willing to bet if you went out and slept with another man and decided to keep in contact with him your fiance would not be too thrilled with that scenerio.

 

Like someone else said, this is continuing because you are putting up with it. Not sure if you should "just run", but you sure should slow up to a "jog" and get this sorted out.

[LovedNC]

I guess I should clarify, he lived with the best friend/ lover, kicked them out before I moved in, then we got engaged four months after I moved in.

 

I can safely say they don't see each other because my fiancee and I work together, shop together, we don't really do something without the other. Sounds sad, but we don't really know too many people where were at because we haven't lived here long.

 

My biggest topic I wanted to talk about was loving two people and if that's really something others have felt? Or if someone else has been in my shoes where there f

significant other has admitted to loving more than just you :-/

[d0nnivain]

IOr if someone else has been in my shoes where there significant other has admitted to loving more than just you :-/

 

 

No I haven't been in your shoes because I wouldn't put them on.

 

 

What were you thinking getting engaged a mere 4 months after he got rid of her? That's no track record to fidelity & really makes you look more like a rebound then a fiancé.

 

 

If any man I was dating so much as hinted at conflicted feelings for another woman, I would have walked away. If my FI was anything other than sure, cold feet based on the enormity of the vows, notwithstanding, we would not have walked down the aisle.

 

 

Stop all wedding planning. Get as much of every deposit back as possible now. The longer you wait the less money you will recoup. Think long and hard about whether you can move forward together & get some meaningful pre-marital counseling. Until he is sure he loves you and only you, do not get married.

[LovedNC]

He tries to tell me it's the same thing when he says he still loves his ex wife, but I said no, it's not. They no longer talk and the ex wife isn't an everyday presence in our lives or relationship.

[CarrieT]

I moved in, then we got engaged four months after I moved in.

Too fast. You should know someone at least 12 months - through all four seasons - before getting engaged.

 

My biggest topic I wanted to talk about was loving two people and if that's really something others have felt? Or if someone else has been in my shoes where there f

significant other has admitted to loving more than just you :-/

Yes. And it backfired on me in a huge giant way. Your guy wants to be in a Poly relationship and unless you know, love, and can accept the third person in the relationship, it is doomed to fail.

[LovedNC]

I didn't know they were anything more than friends the first year and a half of our relationship. I didn't find out until after we were engaged he cheated.

 

We dated ten months, I moved in, lived together six months, got engaged, have been engaged for six months now

[d0nnivain]

I guess I should clarify, he lived with the best friend/ lover, kicked them out before I moved in, then we got engaged four months after I moved in.

 

I didn't know they were anything more than friends the first year and a half of our relationship. I didn't find out until after we were engaged he cheated.

 

We dated ten months, I moved in, lived together six months, got engaged, have been engaged for six months now

 

 

 

Which is it? 4 months after you moved in or 6 months.

 

 

So after learning he cheated you still want to go ahead with the marriage? Why? Until you know the answer to that, you can't marry.

 

 

The fact that he still has any feelings for her, calls her his BFF and talks to her all the time is a problem. Do you not see that?

 

 

As for the EX wife, if they have kids together that is one thing. If they don't he shouldn't be talking to her either.

[preraph]

You certainly can be in love with more than one person, but if you really love either one of them, the last thing you'd want to do is hurt either of them, so you wouldn't be making promises you can't keep and you'd pull back and sort yourself out. No one who loves more than one person needs to be talking about making a marriage commitment to either one of them. He's in no way ready to get married. He's still collecting women and trying to find ways to keep more than one at his disposal. You need to break off the engagement and move out. Because as long as he can have you anytime he wants and still have the other woman in his life, he has absolutely no incentive to change. If you don't make this move and clear out now and you do go forward and get married, from that moment on, he will know he can cheat with whoever and get away with it. You need to make a firm stand now that this is not okay. Move out, leave him the ring.

[LovedNC]

It was six months after we moved in, I misspoke in my original post.

 

He has no kids with the ex wife. Short of leaving, I don't know how else to tell him it's not ok. I've told him, on more than one occasion a physical relationship with this person is not ok. I've told him that I don't understand why they need to talk everyday. It's like they can't make a decision without my fiancees input.

 

Everything you guys have been saying is exactly what I've been telling myself.....I just can't let go....yet.....

[CarrieT]

I just can't let go....yet.....

Just don't be the person in the hospital, giving birth to your "love child" and having this guy not there because he is with his BFF.

 

Happened to my best friend who is now raising her daughter alone because her guy "loved both of them" and my friend "couldn't let go...."