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Anyone else in my shoes? Fiance loves me and another person....

LovedNC

By LovedNC
in Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy

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TaraMaiden2 Established Member

TaraMaiden2

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....Everything you guys have been saying is exactly what I've been telling myself.....I just can't let go....yet.....

 

Why?

WHat are you scared of?

 

What do you think will happen if you do?

 

You're afraid of being alone, but to be honest, I think you know, deep down (in fact, maybe not so far down) that being alone is a much better option to continuing with this menage a trois, because this is just too much drama to have to cope with.

You shouldn't even BE asked to put up with it.

 

Like I said in my previous post - it's high time you absolutely slammed the "Either/Or" cards down, and told him to take his pick.

 

You have to be ready to do one of the following:

 

He picks you = he cuts off all and every contact, from this instant on, and is completely, 100% transparent in all his dealings.

No hiding his phone, no secret liaisons.

 

He prevaricates and tells you he can't choose, you're making it difficult, he loves you both = you kick him to the kerb.

 

He picks her = you kick him to the kerb.

 

In other words, either he 100% commits - or he's out the door.

 

Don't be a doormat.

Don't be a martyr.

Don't be the archetypal self-sacrificing meek lamb that puts up with this crap 'because you love him'.

 

Let go, if needs be.

 

And to be honest with you, I really think you know in your heart, it's 'needs be' time.

Edited by TaraMaiden2
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Tayla Established Member

Tayla

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yes its possible.

Openly discuss though how this information may or maynot impact the marital vows.

 

How are you processing this ? Trust your instincts.

Try Established Member

Try

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I can safely say they don't see each other because my fiancee and I work together, shop together, we don't really do something without the other. Sounds sad, but we don't really know too many people where were at because we haven't lived here long.
@OP: You are fooling yourself if you think that you "can safely say they don't see each other". As others on this site can attest, time and again we read posters claim that it would not be possible for their significant other ("SO") to be seeing their affair partner because the poster does everything together with their SO, and they know were they are at all times, only for the poster to later learn that they were wrong. With cheaters, when there is a will there is a way.

 

Your wording in all of your posts have not reveled the gender of the affair partner. With each new post by you, I am increasingly wondering if this is deliberate. To be clear, is your SO's affair partner male or female?

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LovedNC Member

LovedNC

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I have good days and bad days. We discuss it often, and I understand when he says this person came into his life when he was at his lowest (right after his divorce), but sometimes I wonder if that's the only reason he's holding on to this person....he knows my fears if this continues, or if we have a family.....

d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

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Everything you guys have been saying is exactly what I've been telling myself.....I just can't let go....yet.....

 

So don't let go. Stay & fix it. Do not move forward with the engagement but work on the relationship. Then make decisions.

 

 

If you do the work you will either end up with a great relationship or it will be easier to leave because you will be ready & won't have regrets because you tried.

TaraMaiden2 Established Member

TaraMaiden2

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I have good days and bad days. We discuss it often, and I understand when he says this person came into his life when he was at his lowest (right after his divorce), but sometimes I wonder if that's the only reason he's holding on to this person....he knows my fears if this continues, or if we have a family.....

 

I'm sorry.

I just can't believe you are continuing to make apparent excuses for his prevarication and emotional infidelity.

 

I'm wondering what logical and justifiable reason YOU have to keep holding on, to be honest....

 

He has left his 'lowest ebb'. He is no longer beholden to this woman, and frankly, that's just finding reason, excuse, justification to carry on emotionally cheating on you and depriving you of what you really deserve: Someone whose sole attention is focused on you, and you alone, in a loving, monogamous undistracted relationship.

 

Your fears are nothing in comparison to how you will feel at your wedding and when you are pregnant, if you don't give him an ultimatum now.

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Try Established Member

Try

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We discuss it often, and I understand when he says this person came into his life when he was at his lowest (right after his divorce), but sometimes I wonder if that's the only reason he's holding on to this person....he knows my fears if this continues, or if we have a family.....
You continue to exclusively use gender neutral words (“best friend”, “this person”, “room mate’, “third person”, “them”, “two people”, “lover”, and “they”) in describing your husband's lover, while ignoring questions by multiple people asking that you state the gender of your husband's lover. Why is that? In discussing your situation, it really does matter; for instance if the lover is male than your husband could just be using you as his beard. Again, is your husband's lover male or female? Edited by Try
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LovedNC Member

LovedNC

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I am female, my fiance in male, and the lover is male.

 

 

My fiance considers himself bisexual, having been attracted to males, but never seeing himself settle down with one. He desires female companionship and marriage, marriage between a male and female.

h0000 Established Member

h0000

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My fiance considers himself bisexual, having been attracted to males, but never seeing himself settle down with one. He desires female companionship and marriage, marriage between a male and female.

 

That's why he chooses to marry you. I am afraid,,not because he loves you, but because he only marries females and he enjoys your company. That's it, he merely enjoys your company.

I am afraid who he really loves, is a male.

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LovedNC Member

LovedNC

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I believe him when he says he loves me. We have a very active sex life, are in the same career field, enjoy the same stuff, this relationship is no different than any other one I've been in.

 

My last boyfriend left me after only six months, believing he was gay. Looking back, I can't believe I didn't see it. I don't see that in my current relationship. He knows my fear is that I will be left for a man again. He knew that before he told me he was bisexual, which is why I think he didn't tell me at first.

 

Part of me just can't believe this is happening to me again, the other part is so in love with this man, I see our future, our kids, a life.....and now I feel like it's all falling apart. Even though in reality, what's happening now had been happening our whole relationship...the only difference is I now know it's going on

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LovedNC Member

LovedNC

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He's attracted to females as well, not just desires them.

Spectre Established Member

Spectre

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What is there to fix? She was cheated on. He thinks he loves two people at once? Tell him to grow the hell up.

 

Oh, and tell him to get out of your life because he cheated and can't possibly have an ounce of love for you. This isn't a trashy romance novel, but real life. Love two people at once? Sure? Be "in" love? Not unless you don't grasp the meaning, because of the entire point of being "in" love is "nobody else could ever make me feel the way you do". If someone else can? Then you aren't truly "in love". This person, quite frankly, doesn't even know what love is. Not even because of the "in love with two people at once" idiocy, but for the cheating.

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Try Established Member

Try

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My last boyfriend left me after only six months, believing he was gay. Looking back, I can't believe I didn't see it. I don't see that in my current relationship. He knows my fear is that I will be left for a man again. He knew that before he told me he was bisexual, which is why I think he didn't tell me at first.
OK so I was right in suspecting that your fiance's lover might be male. Him not telling you "at first" about him being bisexual is an indication that he is keeping his bisexuality in the closet, which may mean that he wants to you as a beard for public consumption. Since major studies consistently show that only 2.4% of the US populations is either homosexual or bisexual, the fact that this is the second time in a row for you, statistically is unlikely to be due to chance (less than 6 in 10,000). Thus you need to ask yourself if there is something about you that puts you in these situations with the men you choose.

 

There is a big difference between being bisexual, and being a cheating bisexual. Being a cheating bisexual means that you want to have it both ways, thinking that it is OK to have one each a male and a female lover. Since he already has shown that he thinks this way, you would have a difficult road ahead if you want monogamy in your marriage. Making things even more difficult for you, is that with heterosexual cheaters many spouses insist on having strong opposite sex friends boundaries to help protect their marriage, whereas with a cheating bisexual that would be pointless. With your eyes wide open, you should only marry this man if you are OK with sharing.

Edited by Try
h0000 Established Member

h0000

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OK so I was right in suspecting that your fiance's lover might be male. Him not telling you "at first" about him being bisexual is an indication that he is keeping his bisexuality in the closet, which may mean that he wants to you as a beard for public consumption. Since major studies consistently show that only 2.4% of the US populations is either homosexual or bisexual, the fact that this is the second time in a row for you, statistically is unlikely to be due to chance (less than 6 in 10,000). Thus you need to ask yourself if there is something about you that puts you in these situations with the men you choose.

 

There is a big difference between being bisexual, and being a cheating bisexual. Being a cheating bisexual means that you want to have it both ways, thinking that it is OK to have one each a male and a female lover. Since he already has shown that he thinks this way, you would have a difficult road ahead if you want monogamy in your marriage. Making things even more difficult for you, is that with heterosexual cheaters many spouses insist on having strong opposite sex friends boundaries to help protect their marriage, whereas with a cheating bisexual that would be pointless. With your eyes wide open, you should only marry this man if you are OK with sharing.

 

Sounds like she is ready to share, as long as he genuinely loves two people

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LovedNC Member

LovedNC

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i most definitely do not want to share. But it's like he is compartmentalizing his relationships. When he told me he was physical with this man while we were together, and I was like so you cheated on me? He started to cry...because he didn't think of it like that.

h0000 Established Member

h0000

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i most definitely do not want to share. But it's like he is compartmentalizing his relationships. When he told me he was physical with this man while we were together, and I was like so you cheated on me? He started to cry...because he didn't think of it like that.

 

So because he didn't think of it like that and he is compartmentalizing his love, you are ok to share?

Because if you will not share no matter what, I really don't know what you are asking.

But if you are willing to share, and you just want to know if he is truly in love with two people, then we cannot tell you as we don't read minds.

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d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

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This isn't going to work. Even with the Gay Marriage being legal, parts of your FI are still in the closet. He's marrying you to be more socially acceptable. You can't marry somebody who is lying to himself.

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Try Established Member

Try

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i most definitely do not want to share.
If you marry him knowing what you know, what you want and what you got are two different things.

 

But it's like he is compartmentalizing his relationships. When he told me he was physical with this man while we were together, and I was like so you cheated on me? He started to cry...because he didn't think of it like that.
You stating that "he is compartmentalizing his relationships" is cheater talk, and is consistent with him being a cheating bisexual. I stated in my last post that "Being a cheating bisexual means that you want to have it both ways, thinking that it is OK to have one each a male and a female lover", thus compartmentalizing each relationship. Edited by Try
h0000 Established Member

h0000

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If you marry him knowing what you know, what you want and what you got are two different things.

 

You stating that "he is compartmentalizing his relationships" is cheater talk, and is consistent with him being a cheating bisexual. I stated in my last post that "Being a cheating bisexual means that you want to have it both ways, thinking that it is OK to have one each a male and a female lover", thus compartmentalizing each relationships; if you listen carefully that is what he just said.

 

what he wants is polyamory isnt it.

OP is either getting no marriage or a group marriage.

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TaraMaiden2 Established Member

TaraMaiden2

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i most definitely do not want to share. But it's like he is compartmentalizing his relationships. When he told me he was physical with this man while we were together, and I was like so you cheated on me? He started to cry...because he didn't think of it like that.

 

Of course he didn't think of it like that!

 

Because it's hugely uncomfortable being confronted by the fact that you are cheating and lying - to yourself and to your partner!

 

The fact that your BF is bisexual does NOT absolve him form the fact that he - is - CHEATING.

 

You are caught up in a situation where you are being used as a decent public face.

 

And I now understand your reluctance to leave.

Because this is a 'lather, rinse, repeat' situation.

You've been here before and the hell you want to go through it again.

 

But guess what?

That's exactly what is happening.

And your refusal to let go, to release yourself from this awful state, is not going to improve matters or make him magically drop his male lover, and stay only with you.

 

He has made his choice.

 

He wants to swing both ways AND wants your approval.

Gradually, over time, as he sees you accepting the situation, being compliant and agreeing to this triangle - he WILL doubtless up the ante and re-increase his involvement with this man.

 

And you will be more and more helpless, and compliant, and you will be forced - much against your will - to see what a facade this is, how you will be merely the socially acceptable and standard partner, while really, his heart will lie elsewhere.

And you, and your children, should there be any, will suffer the consequences of having a bisexual husband and father, who is anything but the happy conventional family guy.

 

Please, please listen to reason:

 

Your BF is bisexual, and always will be.

Your BF is cheating, and it won't stop unless you really, really put your foot down and insist it all stops, altogether, period, end of story.

 

However, having been through this mess before? In your shoes?

I'd run.

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Arieswoman Established Member

Arieswoman

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OP,

I have been with my fiance for almost two years now, and after we got engaged, I found out that he cheated on me with his best friend.

 

I didn't read any further than this in your first post ^^^^

 

Why are you still engaged to a man who is so far in the closet that he's about to reach Narnia ?

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LivingDeadGrl Established Member

LivingDeadGrl

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I was with a guy who "loved" two people at once. I put up with it for far too long. It hurts so much...

You will feel so much better being out of that situation. You deserve someone who will love you and only you. Not a guy who wants to marry you to save face.

If you marry him you will end up in a loveless and bitter marriage. He will cheat on you again with this guy, guaranteed. Don't waste your life.

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LovedNC Member

LovedNC

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Thanks everybody... was nice to talk about it for awhile...

TaraMaiden2 Established Member

TaraMaiden2

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So what do you intend to do, LovedNC...?

 

Ignore all sound advice here and make it work at your end, but let him continue to emotionally torture you from his end?

 

Or actually pull your 'Big Girl' panties on, kick him to the kerb abd make a decent, proper honest life for yourself, without him?

 

Shed the drama, or carry the baggage?

 

I think it would be only fair, having laid this dilemma before us, to at least give us an inkling of what you intend to do.

Although personally, I fear the worst...

Space Ritual Established Member

Space Ritual

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4 pages of reinforcement...turn that into action!

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