vanilla27 Posted July 11, 2015 Share Posted July 11, 2015 We were together for a year. We ended very badly as he was quite manipulative and cheated during the relationship, I became depressed and he dumped me and later told me I'm paranoid, manic, crazy etc because I asked if he had cheated a third time (which wasn't actually true, but he reacted extremely badly to the suggestion). When we were together he was insensitive, selfish, arrogant and immature, all of which always left me feeling taken for granted and unhappy. I worked for his approval and it was draining. This was 9 months ago that we broke up, during which time I have worked on myself and become a much stronger, happier and independent person. A month ago he contacted me asking to meet, which I did, and he ended up grovelling and crying and wanted to be friends, so I agreed we'd talk occasionally but keep each other at arms length for the sake of my own mental health, given how tough the depression was and overcoming the break up. He has been texting me a lot, trying to get my attention, and I have replied, but then allowed the conversation to end (whereas before I'd try hard to keep it going). The texts he sends to me are usually absolute nonsense, as opposed to real conversation, and he is sometimes drunk and texting late at night. Often it turns sexual and I feel like it's all he wants me for, just for attention, an ego boost and sexual gratification without caring about me as a friend. I have been lonely and reciprocating the sexting, I am ashamed to admit. He sometimes refers to girls he has slept with since me (there's been 4 others, all on drunken nights out during roughly 7 months) and he said 2 of them he "had a few times" and talked about how he's had some "rave reviews" about his sexual abilities after asking me if he was good in bed and I said he was. It makes me feel crap that he would say things like that and plant those images in my head. It makes me wonder things like "why did those girls want to sleep with him again?", "what texts did they send to each other on those nights out?" "do they still speak now?". He told me he was just "milking the organ" and that it was casual, but it still made me feel gross. I told him I slept with one other person (a close friend of mine, who I have slept with quite a lot since the break up) and my ex told me yesterday that he feels jealous and would really like for me to not allow that guy or any other guys to touch me again and to only sleep with him, though he says I may touch other girls. He seemed slightly reluctant when I asked if he would do the same, but then agreed. What should I do? Ideally I want to forget all of this and be happy on my own or with someone new but he is in my head again, and I am so disappointed in myself for allowing it. Recently I check my phone to see if he has text me, or if he hasn't responded to a message I will send another. It's as though my mind always used to seek his approval and it's slipping into that same old pattern. I really don't like the unhealthiness of thinking about those other girls he has slept with, or wondering what his opinion of me is. I want to be happy, healthy and independent as I have been trying to be during our time apart, my friends and my hobbies make me feel great about myself. Sometimes he does too with compliments and affection when we were together, but more often than not he (unintentionally I believe) makes me feel inadequate and rubbish by, for example, sexting me and then as soon as he is finished he will say things like "tired now, sleep time! Bye bro" or neglecting my efforts to speak to him to browse his iPhone facebook feed. I don't believe he is evil, I think he is very immature and selfish, and I'm unsure whether to not be friends with him based on something he possibly can't help. He says that when we meet again he wants to sleep together (we always had a very active sex life) but I'm not sure that would be in my best interests, despite my urges. Part of me feels like I need validation from him; he was my first boyfriend and I suppose I'm naive and believe that I need his approval. He can be pleasant and he makes me laugh, which is why I wanted to be friends, but I didn't want an emotional attachment and I'm really stuck on where to go from here. I'm uncertain I will meet someone else that I like as much. What should I do? Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted July 11, 2015 Share Posted July 11, 2015 This: *No direct contact in either direction. No sending or receiving of messages. No replies. Block any means he might use to contact you. *No indirect contact through third parties. *De-friend or delete from all social media. *No monitoring of him on social media. *No 'little birds' feeding you news. *Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what he is doing or saying. You need a deep detox. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
casey.lives Posted July 11, 2015 Share Posted July 11, 2015 he cheated on you. he didn't care about you then, why now?? did you get a car and a job?????????????? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
zyphfly Posted July 11, 2015 Share Posted July 11, 2015 By far the longest, happiest, most meaningful relationship I was in lasted for two years. Until I found out she'd been cheating on me… I was absolutely devastated, I could write a whole book about how badly the effects of this messed up my life at the time, but I'll spare you. Anyway, I think with the clarity of hindsight its now safe to say that a lot of that emotional craziness I felt at the time was likely wrapped up in the frequent (and good) sex we were having, and its abrupt departure from my life. Because I had made myself so physically and emotionally available, the betrayal was that much more painful. So, why am I telling you all this? Because my life was an absolute disaster for about 6 months following the break-up, but finally I got myself back on track. Keeping no contact felt impossible at the time, but when I came out the other side of this I felt stronger than ever, until she contacted me. Much to absolutely no one's surprise, the guy she cheated on me with ended up cheating on her, and all of a sudden she wanted to reconcile, but I didn't do it. I struggled with writing her back for weeks, but held out. Now, I get an email from her it seems about once a year telling me she wants to apologize, and wants to meet up, I was so good to her, etc. etc. After feeling like the most worthless person on the planet (especially if you saw who she left me for) I no longer feel anything for her at all. I hope you can do the same. I have imparted this advice on several of my friends, but I pretty much have a one strike rule when it comes to cheating. Don't allow yourself to be disrespected like that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author vanilla27 Posted July 11, 2015 Author Share Posted July 11, 2015 Thank you for this message and your advice. I am really glad that you no longer feel anything at all - I have felt doubtful that I will reach that point in all honesty as the feelings are still very much present. Mostly I am worried about appearing weak and psychotic (he always made me feel like I was) by telling him I no longer want to speak with him and blocking him out. The thought of him feeling confused as to why makes me sad and I'm not sure how to go about it if I stop communicating with him. I feel as though it was unfair of me to agree to be friends only to go back on it now. I like that he gives me attention, it makes me feel like I am missed and as though those girls he slept with weren't as caring as I am, but this whole thing is wearing me down. Link to post Share on other sites
Fleur de cactus Posted July 11, 2015 Share Posted July 11, 2015 Don't take him back, don't get back together please. He knows his game and will take advantage on you naivety. I don't see any positive thing you said about him besides making you laugh. Please block any contact with him. All what he does is to manipulate you. He is probably jealous that you are now feeling better, back on you feet, and ready to move on. He wants to come back to trouble you happiness. He is selfish, cheater who does not care about you, or other women. Believe me if you are back together, he will leave you again in a couple months and you will be hurt more. Link to post Share on other sites
Jemay Posted July 11, 2015 Share Posted July 11, 2015 I know this is gonna be so tough but you've got to move on and leave him behind, he sounds horrible. Go full NC. Change your number so he can't get in touch with you. Google narcissist and co-dependent couple. I think you'll find yourself relating to a lot in the information you find. Here's just one link of many. The Dance Between Codependents & Narcissists | World of Psychology He will hurt you again. And you'll play this dance again and again, and each time it will get harder to leave this all behind. Emotionally you will become more and more drained. He will drain you. Please, move on. He really sounds awful and you don't deserve that. You deserve a man you will treat you well, who will love you, support you, who will be faithful and loving. You deserve that!! Link to post Share on other sites
Learningtowalkagain Posted July 11, 2015 Share Posted July 11, 2015 Incredible article, I've read it a million times. It's helped a ton. I hope it does the same for you: Why We Stay In Unhealthy Relationships Longer Than We Should Link to post Share on other sites
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