Final Thoughts

[Lurch]

This is meant to be a letter to my ex. I have a feeling it'll be quite long and I didn't want to clog up the "Post here instead of contacting your ex" thread. Read it or don't; ignore or reply-it's up to you. Any feedback is welcome but I'm writing this because I want to let everything out so I can move on. The reason I'm posting this publicly rather than in a private journal is because I want to feel heard, as I lost my voice early on in the relationship. If you do read it, thanks for your time.

 

Dear ?,

 

I'm using a question mark because I don't know who you are; maybe I didn't know who you were, either. I don't want to find out. I'm not ready to let go but I'm ready to try to, and this is how I can begin. Because you never heard me, I stopped talking. I saw no point in saying anything if you weren't going to listen, so I've had 2 years of bs accumulating inside me that needs to spew out.

 

When I said "I love you," it meant I accepted you for your faults and attributes. Talk is cheap, so I backed my words up with actions. First and foremost, I stayed with you and gave you chance after chance because I thought you were a decent person with some problems. Although my friends supported me while we were together, not a single one of them said I should stay with you. In fact your best friend even told me to leave you because of how you treated me. But I stayed. Yes, even after you lied to me multiple times, stole from me on several occasions, deleted some friends from my phone, and tried to make me choose between you and old friends I'd known years before you invaded my life. I stayed because I loved you and I thought we could get through all this.

 

While 8 years physically separate us, the emotional age gap is much wider. Truly I have never met anyone your age who is as immature as you. I knew you were immature and I tried to be understanding because I know when I was in my early 20's, I was extremely juvenile as well. You've taught me that I'm much more patient that I ever imagined, because I rode your roller coaster for 2 years and just now I'm ready to get off.

 

So let's talk about this break up for a minute. You broke up with me because I didn't want us to move in together. Then you came back and asked to try again, and broke up (was it a break up? The last thing you said was "you are my priority. Now bye.") after I tried to talk to you about how your cold and distant behavior was making me feel. More on that in a second. Do you know why I didn't want us to move in together? Because I can't live with someone who will steal from me, go through my things, and laugh it off when I confront her about her thieving ways. You have an insatiable appetite for spending money, to the point that you will pester a person TO DEATH to get them to buy you retarded trinkets like $30 teddy bears that you DON'T NEED and can't afford on your own. If they don't cave in to just shut you up, you turn to stealing from them. Pardon me if I don't want to be homeless and starve because you stole our rent money. And also I don't want you going through my phone and contacting my female coworkers and pulling your jealous nonsense. You would know this if you actually bothered to sit down and have a conversation about things when they're going wrong. Do you know, all I ever wanted was to be able to come to you openly and honestly and talk through our problems so we could fix them instead of letting them fester? But no, if I don't say something you want to hear, you become deaf and start listing all my deficiencies. And, of course, everything is my fault because you are a special princess who can do whatever she wants while the rest of us plebs have to follow a strict set of rules that you lay down.

 

You broke up with me because I didn't say or do what you wanted, and it's all or nothing with you. Then you come back to me but you act cold and distant. You know my mom is sick but not ONCE did you ask me about her. But yeah you made sure to update me about your grandma in the hospital and I asked about her everyday. And you forgot my birthday. I wasn't expecting anything, but a "happy birthday" would have been nice. You barely had any time for me but you sure spent a lot of time online in chat rooms. When I tried to talk to you about this and how it was making me feel, you exploded and broke up with me. You would rather break up with me than talk about things. This kills me. What is wrong with you?!

 

You said you loved me. You said you wanted to get married and have kids with me. You said I was your soulmate. A week and a half after we break up, you have a new boyfriend. We were together for 2 years and you can't even wait 2 f***ing weeks before you find someone else! You are absolutely disgusting.

 

Now let's talk about your little stunt that you pulled after we broke up. You hacked my account and stole money from me, then you got into my Facebook and deleted my female friends and then changed my password. Surprisingly that didn't bother me. It really was quite desperate and pathetic. I know you did it to either make me angry or sad, or to contact you. Or maybe you did it so I'd check your Facebook, which I did, and see the pictures of you making out with 4 different guys AND the fact that you have a new boyfriend? Maybe this is all an act to make me jealous. In the end it doesn't matter. Your behavior is strange because you never were the sleazy type, so I don't understand where all this is coming from but it's not my business. Yes it hurts like hell. I think it's hurting my ego and I can deal with that. Congratulations on making it 100x easier to move on, because you are disgusting to me. I still have feelings for you but I think I'm mourning the loss of our relationship more than I'm sad about losing you. Regardless of how I'm feeling, hell will freeze over before I ever speak to you again.

 

Yes it kills me to see you being the town's bicycle because the girl I fell in love with was very much against that sort of thing. I remember how you used to comment on other girls who, as you put it, dressed like sluts. And now look at you with your booty shorts kissing a new dude every day of the week. When I knew you as a friend and when you were my girlfriend you didn't do these things, so why are you doing them now? Oh wait, I remember how you used to complain when your sister would steal your clothes without telling you, yet you stole from me and laughed when I confronted you about it. I sincerely hope your new boyfriend has infinite patience and an enormous disposable income because otherwise, he's going to be very unhappy. What you do now is your business and I'm not going to look at your Facebook anymore.

 

I'm not blameless but I know I tried my best. I know I stayed much longer than most people would, and part of that is because I loved you and part of that is because I didn't respect myself enough to put my foot down when you crossed the line. I don't want you to hurt or to degrade yourself with this bizarre behavior. Yes, what you're doing hurts me to the core, but I know I'll be ok. You're making some very bad decisions and I worry about you but it's not my business anymore. It stings me to see you with someone else when I gave you my all and I really thought you loved me. But that's on you now. The burden is no longer mine.

 

My life has vastly improved since your exit. My little business has blossomed and become supremely successful; I have more clients than I've ever had before in my life. I now have a waiting list because so many people are hiring me. And since you're no longer in my life, I have more money than I've had in a long time. I'm exhausted from all the work but I've never been happier. I'm working out again and I'm also working on changing the things I don't like about myself. I hate to say this but with you I hit my rock bottom and now I have nowhere to go but up. And you know what? I'm soaring in the skies! The only thing that weighs me down is the thought of you, but I'm working on it.

 

So this is it; this is goodbye for me. I know I'll have my bad days but that's normal. You taught me so much and I thank you for that. You showed me how strong I am, even though I thought I was weak. Thank you. I truly wish you the best in life. I know you'll get what you deserve in life and that's payback enough for me. You hold a special place in my heart and I may not love you forever, but I will remember you forever. Thank you for everything. Now I'm letting you go so be free.

[Ronni_W]

Dear Lurch.

You have been heard! You do have your voice back, and you did do that - for yourself and on your own - by your personal, free-will decision. You do have your power back...because you chose to take it back. Good for you! That is exactly how to regain one's strength and power and authority over oneself.

 

Hugs, and best.

 

 

PS: You did not say if or not you actually intend to send this or a similar letter, and you did not ask for opinions about that. But. Don't do it. Because you can get brave and strong and healed entirely without your ex. Keep your heart and your soul protected...do not expose it to people who don't have the first idea what to do with it.

[Lurch]

Hey Ronni, thanks for your response! It feels awesome to be heard and I thank you for that. As for your eloquent and profound thoughts, no, I won't send any letters or initiate any type of contact with her. I know it's pointless, so I just posted here instead. Thanks again and much love to you!

[Ronni_W]

Hey Ronni ... Thanks again and much love to you!

Lurch, thank YOU! Your love is so much appreciated...because it is entirely unconditional.

 

(We could get all philosophical and wonder how the heck that can happen between strangers...yet it seldom happens between those closest to us -- but let's not do that, agreed?)

 

Still, it is that you did reclaim your own power and voice -- First Ray stuff. I think I've been dealing with those tests, too, but you seem to be passing them with greater insight than I have. (Not that I'm not doing okay on one or more of the other Rays, but still...First Ray is a bit of a challenge for me.)

 

Take care.