stan1961 Posted July 11, 2015 Share Posted July 11, 2015 my story is ugly but i will make it quick..been unhappily married for 26 years...looking back the only reason we married was because of a pregnancy though my wife says she loved me i had my doubts but i thought it could work. neither of us have the guts to make a move our kids are older though 2 still live at home but probably only for a few more years at the most ..myself i am just afraid to divorce . my wife i guess is afraid to but friend say why should she she has it made. what i mean is i talk care of the house the bills the cars anything that goes wrong.we have separate rooms we dont have sex and she really doesnt care...we are realistically just roommates at this time.we should have been divorced years ago but i could never pull the trigger..why me u ask. well i am the one that has had the affairs . 2 to be exact with the same woman..but the time has come for me to finally make a decision and i am sooo afraid to. this is more than an affair it has been going on for 5 years...everyone knows about it even my wife but she could care less .my girlfriend has had enough.she needs more..her daughter has left the house she is very lonely and needs more i cant blame her...i have been given a date to file for divorce or its over with my girlfriend..she loves me dearly and we get a long great and she has put up with alot...she has given many options ..she said just file let your family stay at the house heck she said i could even stay there if i want she just doesnt want to be with a married man anymore.....i mean i know after all this my marriage is totally shot,, we r 2 separate people now..we hardy even talk to eachother only when we have to....i just dont know why i am soo afraid to finally sit down with my wife tell her everything and tell her i want a divorce i know its the right thing to do now but i just cant seem to do it..if i dont i know i will regret it and i will be lonely the rest of my life...any advice would be appreciated thanks for listening..i may seem like a jerk but i am not Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted July 11, 2015 Share Posted July 11, 2015 You sound like the kind of guy thats gonna do what you're just gonna do. Sorta like your wife. Sometimes, that attitude get you pretty far for awhile. On the other hand, one of these days, your winning streak in gonna run dry. I promise you that. aAnd that is what you got - a winning streak. Home, wife, family life. And private mistress on the side - don't really even have to hide it. Here is the possible reason you may not be happy, and are reluctant to "pull the trigger." Mistress is suddenly putting the screws to you with ultimatum. That happens. I would ask yourself, if Mistress calmed down, and things went back to normal, would you be happy again? One thing to bear in mind, with divorce, and the extended affair in the pix, you are going to pay through the nose to support your original family for the rest of your days. Grown kids always seem to need financial assistance from parents - I certainly did. Look at this fact from the perspective of the Mistress that might become your wife. She will want money also. Unless, hopefully, you selected a self-sustaining Mistress with a great education a sucessful career, and retirement plan (cause you can kiss yours good-by in the divorce). See. Howz things look'in now? Maybe a move to Syberia? Do you have any frequent flier miles? Toss some of these ideas around in your head. There is more to marriage than sex (either with a wife or a Mistress). Yas Link to post Share on other sites
Majormisstep Posted July 11, 2015 Share Posted July 11, 2015 Because you are choosing the path of least resistance. Can't make your mind up one way or the other. Not intending to bash you stan but that is a common theme amongst MM. Have the comforts of a long term M, financial stability, community respect and added bonus of getting the "good stuff" on the side from a mistress. If your W is aware of the A, it's unlikely she will walk away from the M..so the decision will be yours to make. Which you won't, even with the possibility of losing your OW. My take on it is you only live once. If you are TRULY unhappy (look hard and deep at this), pull up your big boy pants and take the first step out. Yep, it's going to suck for a while. But you will live your truth. Much more authentic than indulging in your current situation. OR, end it with your OW, wish her well and work on your M to the best of your abilities. Your choice. Link to post Share on other sites
Author stan1961 Posted July 11, 2015 Author Share Posted July 11, 2015 You sound like the kind of guy thats gonna do what you're just gonna do. Sorta like your wife. Sometimes, that attitude get you pretty far for awhile. On the other hand, one of these days, your winning streak in gonna run dry. I promise you that. aAnd that is what you got - a winning streak. Home, wife, family life. And private mistress on the side - don't really even have to hide it. Here is the possible reason you may not be happy, and are reluctant to "pull the trigger." Mistress is suddenly putting the screws to you with ultimatum. That happens. I would ask yourself, if Mistress calmed down, and things went back to normal, would you be happy again? One thing to bear in mind, with divorce, and the extended affair in the pix, you are going to pay through the nose to support your original family for the rest of your days. Grown kids always seem to need financial assistance from parents - I certainly did. Look at this fact from the perspective of the Mistress that might become your wife. She will want money also. Unless, hopefully, you selected a self-sustaining Mistress with a great education a sucessful career, and retirement plan (cause you can kiss yours good-by in the divorce). See. Howz things look'in now? Maybe a move to Syberia? Do you have any frequent flier miles? Toss some of these ideas around in your head. There is more to marriage than sex (either with a wife or a Mistress). Yas. Well actuall yes to your later statement ...I don't consider her a mistress..I mistress is someone's dirt little secret that u probably don't really have feelings for. I have known my girlfriend for over 20 years. I know her friends and family and have had more times and vacations with her than my wife....and yes she is very financially secure and so is her daughter and as for my kids the r all going fine financially they actually pay me room and board.this is why I have this dilemma ...my wife other than us having nothing left makes it tough to leave I wish she would give me a reason like if she was a drunk or abusesed me,or didn't work or cheated or nagged me but she actually turned holy roller on me about 15 years ago and that started all this ..she is a quiet woman who works with handicapped mentally challenged people and volunteers at the church way to much ..she literally Comes home and goes in her home and stays there coming out ever now and them.....sure am in a tough spot maybe I need to just sit her down and calmly has this out cause it's not good for any of us any more thanks for your input...my situation isn't typical I know Link to post Share on other sites
Author stan1961 Posted July 11, 2015 Author Share Posted July 11, 2015 Because you are choosing the path of least resistance. Can't make your mind up one way or the other. Not intending to bash you stan but that is a common theme amongst MM. Have the comforts of a long term M, financial stability, community respect and added bonus of getting the "good stuff" on the side from a mistress. If your W is aware of the A, it's unlikely she will walk away from the M..so the decision will be yours to make. Which you won't, even with the possibility of losing your OW. My take on it is you only live once. If you are TRULY unhappy (look hard and deep at this), pull up your big boy pants and take the first step out. Yep, it's going to suck for a while. But you will live your truth. Much more authentic than indulging in your current situation. OR, end it with your OW, wish her well and work on your M to the best of your abilities. Your choice.i like that pull up your big boy pants u must know my girlfriend .well I have tried to work on my marriage in counsling twice at this point there has been way to much damage down. We went our spate ways years ago.i need to move on I hope I have the guts to do it cause if I dint I will regret it and probably never really be happy.thank for the input Link to post Share on other sites
Author stan1961 Posted July 11, 2015 Author Share Posted July 11, 2015 . Well actuall yes to your later statement ...I don't consider her a mistress..I mistress is someone's dirt little secret that u probably don't really have feelings for. I have known my girlfriend for over 20 years. I know her friends and family and have had more times and vacations with her than my wife....and yes she is very financially secure and so is her daughter and as for my kids the r all going fine financially they actually pay me room and board.this is why I have this dilemma ...my wife other than us having nothing left makes it tough to leave I wish she would give me a reason like if she was a drunk or abusesed me,or didn't work or cheated or nagged me but she actually turned holy roller on me about 15 years ago and that started all this ..she is a quiet woman who works with handicapped mentally challenged people and volunteers at the church way to much ..she literally Comes home and goes in her home and stays there coming out ever now and them.....sure am in a tough spot maybe I need to just sit her down and calmly has this out cause it's not good for any of us any more thanks for your input...my situation isn't typical I know Oh and as far as splitting everything ..no alimony wife also works and as far as pension she also has one just not as much as mine so it wouldn't be much...and the house is almost paid ..I mean I would just go and let her stay here. I mean it wouldn't b your typical ugly divorce I still don't why I am soo scared to pull the trigger She probably would just say bye and let me have some peace I mean wouldn't u if u were her and I was willing to let her and the kids stay and still pay for things I know it won't be that easy though Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 11, 2015 Share Posted July 11, 2015 Ok you are sitting there with two choices, your wife or your mistress/OW. YOU are in the happy position that if you decide to divorce you have a ready made "wife" all ready to take over where your present wife left off. BUT you are not rushing into her arms, are you?. You have to be really honest with yourself here and ask yourself why? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 11, 2015 Share Posted July 11, 2015 . ...my wife other than us having nothing left makes it tough to leave I wish she would give me a reason like if she was a drunk or abusesed me,or didn't work or cheated or nagged me but she actually turned holy roller on me about 15 years ago and that started all this .. Your reason for leaving is you aren't getting sex and you are no longer in love with her. You don't want a roommate you want a wife. I think it's lazy not to go through with the divorce. You will be happier with your gf and maybe your wife will find love with someone at her church, who knows. There is no reason for both of you to be unhappy forever. Tell her you want a divorce to be with your mistress, you may be surprised at her response. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 11, 2015 Share Posted July 11, 2015 Oh and as far as splitting everything ..no alimony wife also works and as far as pension she also has one just not as much as mine so it wouldn't be much...and the house is almost paid ..I mean I would just go and let her stay here. I mean it wouldn't b your typical ugly divorce I still don't why I am soo scared to pull the trigger She probably would just say bye and let me have some peace I mean wouldn't u if u were her and I was willing to let her and the kids stay and still pay for things I know it won't be that easy though Yes I would let you go in a heartbeat. I think she'll be getting a pretty good deal. Since you know she doesn't care, do it and be happy. What is wrong with you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author stan1961 Posted July 11, 2015 Author Share Posted July 11, 2015 Yes I would let you go in a heartbeat. I think she'll be getting a pretty good deal. Since you know she doesn't care, do it and be happy. What is wrong with you? wellll fear is whats wrong hopefully i will get over it soon..also the loser feeling of having a failed marriage sometimes i think that i think wayy tooo much,funny but what u think is going to happen never seems to thansk for your opinion Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 11, 2015 Share Posted July 11, 2015 wellll fear is whats wrong hopefully i will get over it soon..also the loser feeling of having a failed marriage sometimes i think that i think wayy tooo much,funny but what u think is going to happen never seems to thansk for your opinion What's that? People make a new start all the time and are happy. People don't look at divorced people as Losers anymore. People who care about you want you to be happy. Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted July 11, 2015 Share Posted July 11, 2015 wellll fear is whats wrong hopefully i will get over it soon..also the loser feeling of having a failed marriage sometimes i think that i think wayy tooo much,funny but what u think is going to happen never seems to thansk for your opinion What's worse - a failed marriage that you stay in out of fear? Or a marriage that ended and allows you to live again? When a marriage doesn't look happy anymore - it looks more like a failure when I see people staying out of fear. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author stan1961 Posted July 11, 2015 Author Share Posted July 11, 2015 What's worse - a failed marriage that you stay in out of fear? Or a marriage that ended and allows you to live again? When a marriage doesn't look happy anymore - it looks more like a failure when I see people staying out of fear. Thanks for,the shot in the arm ..just what I need Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 11, 2015 Share Posted July 11, 2015 i just dont know why i am soo afraid to finally sit down with my wife tell her everything and tell her i want a divorce i know its the right thing to do now but i just cant seem to do it..if i dont i know i will regret it and i will be lonely the rest of my life...any advice would be appreciated thanks for listening..i may seem like a jerk but i am not After 26 years of separate bedrooms and unhappiness, what is there to tell ??? Seems it would be a short conversation limited to custody and asset division. I doubt your wife cares why you're leaving... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted July 12, 2015 Share Posted July 12, 2015 Thanks for,the shot in the arm ..just what I need I was in a 20 year M too. It was an adjustment at first - being on my own - but it quickly turned to a freedom that allows me to be truly happy now. Link to post Share on other sites
casey.lives Posted July 12, 2015 Share Posted July 12, 2015 sounds like you might thrive in chaos.. maybe all of you do. is it really that bad. most people in these types of situations are getting exactly what the expected. believe it or not 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts